Week 46, Day 317 - "Racist In A Box"

“Racist In A Box”

Written by Joe Janes

12/1/09

317 of 365

CAST:

Elle, 40s

Oliver, 40s

(Lights up on Elle and Oliver going through Oliver’s father’s attic. Oliver is Caucasian and Elle is distinctly of a different race. They are opening up boxes. Checking things out. It’s dusty.)

ELLE

Well…

OLIVER

Well…

(Elle starts coughing. Oliver opens a small window. Elle tries to open a door.)

ELLE

This door is stuck.

(Oliver gives it a try.)

OLIVER

Seems so.

(Oliver goes back to opening suitcases. She watches him.)

ELLE

Look, I –

OLIVER

Yes?

ELLE

I was just wondering…

OLIVER

I know.

ELLE

You know.

OLIVER

I know. You can stop.

(He continues to go through different cases. She stands, not knowing what to do. She tries the door, again.)

ELLE

This door is stuck.

OLIVER

Seems so.

ELLE

I just feel awkward being in his attic. All your dad’s stuff.

OLIVER

Not like he’s going to yell at you.

ELLE

You’re right. Even if he could, he was the nicest person in the world.

OLIVER

And he thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

ELLE

You’re right. I’m being selfish. (She hugs him around the neck) First your mom and a year later your dad. (She kisses the top of his head then spits a little.) Yuck, more dust. Let me help, honey.

OLIVER

I haven’t tried any of those boxes yet. The ones wedged in the corner.

(Elle crouches down and pulls one of the boxes out to where there’s more room. Oliver finds an army hat and tries it on.)

OLIVER

What do you think? Did I miss my calling?

ELLE

Definitely.

OLIVER

Dad wanted me to join the ROTC to pay my way through college.

ELLE

Why didn’t you?

OLIVER

Didn’t seem like a good idea at the time. Theater major and ROTC doesn’t mix well. All it would have taught me was how to better take a beating.

(Elle pulls a KKK hood out of her box.)

ELLE

Oh, shit.

(Oliver turns and looks.)

OLIVER

Sheets? Put them aside. We can always use more sheets.

ELLE

Not like this.

(She holds it up for her to see. Stunned, he walks over and takes it from her.)

OLIVER

What else is in the box? You know what a quirky sense of humor he had. I bet this was a costume or something.

ELLE

He did dress up like a hobo one Halloween when he volunteered at a homeless shelter on the same day. I think you’re right, though. There’s also a swastika in here so there’s probably a Nazi costume.

OLIVER

Not different enough, keep digging. (He bends down and starts going through the box. He pulls out pictures.) Holy crap.

ELLE

That’s him, holding a rifle.

OLIVER

They’re all holding rifles. He’s the only one with his hood pulled up. Just him and that guy next to him who looks like my grandfather! Oh, my God!

ELLE

But look how young he is there. This had to be before you were born.

OLIVER

That doesn’t un-racist him. Or gramps.

ELLE

But, it means he probably stopped doing this. They both probably did. Maybe once he met your mom. She was an angel. He must have given it up. How else could he have kept it from you? He wasn’t a racist. Not the man I met.

OLIVER

This box says otherwise.

ELLE

People can change. I quit smoking.

OLIVER

He kept the stuff. He kept this whole box of hate props.

ELLE

He also kept the saddle from his first horse. That doesn’t make him a pony.

(Oliver collapses onto the floor.)

OLIVER

I’m racist. It’s in my blood. It’s been passed down to me.

ELLE

You are not racist. I did not marry a racist. Nor would you have married me if you were.

OLIVER

I would if I had white guilt. I’m making up for my father’s transgressions. And my grandfather’s. And probably my great grandfather’s.

ELLE

You didn’t even know until now. And really, has he ever said anything to you that would make you think he was? Has he ever said anything bad about me? Ever?

OLIVER

No. He never said anything. Well, except…

ELLE

What?

OLIVER

When I first told him about you and I told him you were (fill-in-the-race-here), he-

ELLE

Tell me. Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ve heard worse.

OLIVER

He said “oh.”

ELLE

What the hell does that mean?

OLIVER

I didn’t think to ask at the time. He asked me more stuff about what you were like and I never thought about it again until now.

ELLE

Well, whatever he was, he’s not anymore. And neither are you.

OLIVER

I voted for Obama. So did my dad.

ELLE

There you go. And we can take everything in that box and burn it in the back yard. Or on the front lawn with a crucifix, whichever you think is more appropriate.

(Oliver throws all the KKK stuff back into the box. He looks at that stuck door.)

OLIVER

If he kept stuff like this out here in a box, what the hell is behind the door?

(He and Ell both grab the door handle and pull. They manage to pull it open. Oliver sticks his head in and looks.)

OLIVER

Mom?

(Blackout.)

Week 37, Day 256 - "Des Moines"

“Des Moines”

Written by Joe Janes

10/01/09

255 of 365

CAST:

Kevin, 40s

(Lights up on a microphone and stand far stage left with a spotlight on it. We hear the sound of restless arena-sized crowd. Kevin, a man trying very hard not to be pudgy, but failing miserably comes out in a too tight t-shirt for Q-103.75. “Home of the Marmoset.” He carries a small inflated beach ball. He tosses it out to the crowd.)

KEVIN

Are you ready to rock?... I said, are you ready to rock, Des Moines? This is Kevin Budake (boo-dacky) from Q-103.75, Home of the Marmoset. (We hear people “boo”) That’s right, Budake. I came here to Chick-Fil-A Arena to rock! Did you come here to rock? Good. Because there will be rock. And roll. There will also be rolling. We will leave here tonight having resoundingly, without question, rocked and rolled. Thunder Cheek will be out in just a minute. Before they do, the managers at the station and our sponsor, Spaghetti Warehouse and Self-Storage, wanted me to take the time to apologize for something I said on the air this morning. Sheila K., the news chick and I were doing some witty banter about the economy. Uh, let me just say that it was an accident. It wasn’t intentional. When I called Sheila a Jew, I was just joking. I didn’t know that she was really a Jew and would, therefore, find being called a Jew offensive. “K.” apparently stands for Kleinheimerstein. She probably would have found it funny if she weren’t a Jew. I find it quite hilarious when people call me a Jew. Call ne a Jew and I will giggle. Because I am not one. I’m really surprised Sheila’s a Jew. This is Des Moines. She’s probably the only one. Along with her family. And all those people that go to that synagogue building that I thought was for Mormons. So, boy, do I have matzo on my face. (With a Jewish accent) Oy vay, am I sorry or what? So, Sheila, I hope you accept my apology and I see you back at the station tomorrow, unless, it’s of course, some holiday I don’t know about. In which case, I’ll see you the next Jewish workday. (He looks offstage with a questioning look) Now, it’s time for Thunder Cheek…? (He looks offstage and shakes his head questioningly) Okay. One more thing. Now, when I tried to apologize on the air to Sheila by saying I was just monkeying around, I mean, come on. It was really harmless. I didn’t mean anything by that even though I am fully aware of Sheila’s African-American heritage, of which she should really, really be proud. And, hey, we’re Home of the Marmoset – a monkey. No one’s ever complained about that. Well, actually, I have. Who the hell’s ever heard of a marmoset? Particularly, a marmoset that rocks. Besides, I said I was the monkey, not Sheila. Curious George always-getting-into-trouble kind of monkeying around. Not that any of this is about anyone’s skin color, but because of Sheila’s particular pigmentation, I really didn’t expect her to be African American and Jewish American, too. Some people have accused me of being a racist and that hurts. It couldn’t be further from the truth. If you knew me, you would know better. I voted for Obama. A black man and a Muslim, which is like a Jew. So, I’m sorry, really, really sorry, if anyone was offended by my poor choice of words this morning. We cool? We cool? (He looks off stage pleadingly) We cool. Now, here all the way from San Francisco, the world’s first all-Asian heavy metal band, Thunder Chink…. Oh, shit.

(Blackout)