Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)

Week 30, Day 205 - "Free Soda"

“Free Soda”
Written by Joe Janes
8/11/09
205 of 365

CAST
Sylvia, 40s
Jack, 50s
Phillip, 40s
Dirk, 30s
Nancy, 20s
Hillary, 50s

(Lights up on a conference room. A group of executives are sitting around a table finishing up a meeting.)

SYLVIA

…And that should help us save a few pennies in shipping costs. (They all laugh at this in a polite executive way.) Oh, and one last item. Starting next Monday, the company will be providing free soda.

JACK

You mean, just for us, right?

SYLVIA

No. For everybody. You can tell all the employees in your department that starting Monday, and every Monday after; the company will stock a case of 12-ounce cans of cola in every break room in the building. Our Canadian branch does this. They’ve been doing it for years. The CEO there tells me its one of those little perks that brightens up an employee’s day. A little thing that lets them know they’re appreciated. Makes them more productive, too. Any questions?

PHILLIP

Just one. Are you trying to kill me?

SYLVIA

Not through this method, Phillip. What’s your issue?

PHILLIP

Adult onset diabetes, type 2. Not supposed to have sugar.

DIRK

You could just not have any.

PHILLIP

That’s not fair. Why should everyone else get a freebie?

NANCY

I, for one, wouldn’t mind having a diet cola option. That seems fair.

SYLVIA

I suppose you’re right, on that. We’ll split the case. Half cola, half diet.

HILLARY

And those are the only options? We’ll, now you’re trying to kill me.

SYLVIA

How so, Hillary?

HILLARY

The ol’ ticker. Every since my quadruple by-pass surgery last year, the doctor says no caffeine.

NANCY

Maybe we could add a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola.

HILLARY

It’s healthier.

JACK

No. It’s not. It’s carbonated brown chemicals with sugar and salt. I just want you to keep your hands off my coffee and tea.

SYLVIA

No one’s going to take away the coffee and tea, Jack, and we’ll look into doing that, Hillary.

JACK

That’s what you say, now. I’ve worked here twenty years. I’ve always used the coffee maker in the morning and a nice little cup of tea in the afternoon. You take that away, and you may as well tell me you don’t care about me.

SYLVIA

Different subject, but let me assure you, Jack, we’re not touching the coffee and tea. Have all you like.

JACK

I will if I want. You can’t make me.

DIRK (looking at a calculator)

You know, I was just doing the math on this. There may not be enough soda for everyone. You figure one a day, minimum, five days a week; you could be out by Wednesday afternoon.

SYLVIA

Not everyone drinks soda, right, Jack? It probably won’t be a problem.

NANCY

You’re assuming no one’s going to take more than one or, for that matter, outright steal it. Take cans home with them.

DIRK

In that case, it could all be gone on Tuesday. What’s the point of having free soda if you don’t have any? Hell, I can give away something I don’t have. Anybody want a million dollars?

PHILLIP

I do.

DIRK

Help yourself. It’s in the fridge. What? It’s gone. It was there yesterday. Sorry ol’ man. You lose out.

NANCY

We could ration it. Everyone is guaranteed one soda for the week.

HILLARY

For the week? I can’t just sip one soda for a whole goddamn week.

NANCY

Didn’t your doctor tell you anything about pacing yourself?

JACK

I don’t know if rationing is the answer. I think that’s just going to create long lines in the break room. Besides, I don’t drink the swill.

NANCY

For this to work, Jack, you’re going to have start drinking soda.

JACK

No way. I’ll just pour the crap down the drain.

PHILLIP

I’ll take yours. Just give it to me.

JACK

I’ll sell it to you.

PHILLIP

Come on, I’m already out a million dollars.

JACK

Which reminds me. How are we paying for this? Am I going to have to take a pay cut to cover the costs of soda guzzling freeloaders?

SYLVIA

The company pays for it all. We got a deal from the soda industry.

JACK

I don’t see why people can’t just take care of their own soda needs.

(This causes an emotional stir among the group, pro and con.)

SYLVIA

Stop. Just stop. Everyone just stop.

(She takes a breath. Everyone is quit and motionless for a moment. Hillary leans forward.)

HILLARY

I bring a liter of Mountain Dew every day. Are you going to make me switch to a different cola?

NANCY

We added caffeine free diet cola for you.

HILLARY

I should have the option. Doesn’t mean I have to take it.

SYLVIA

No, Hillary, you can still bring your Mountain Dew.

NANCY

I thought you couldn’t have caffeine?

HILLARY

Mountain Dew doesn’t have caffeine. It’s green. (looks around table) It’s green. Do your research.

SYLVIA

I said, “Stop.” Starting Monday, every refrigerator in every break room will be stocked with half a case of cola, half a case of diet cola, and a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola. We will do this for a month. After a month, we’ll re-evaluate it and see if we need to change anything about it. Is that clear? (Everyone sits quiet and nods.) Does anyone have any questions?

JACK

Why do you hate America?

(Sylvia puts her head in her hands. Blackout)