Week 52, Day 360 - "One Night"

“One Night”

Written by Joe Janes

1/13/10

360 of 365

Cast:

Jimmy, 30s

Christine, 30s

Anna, 30s

(We hear someone fumbling with keys. A door opens and a couple stumbles in and one of them flips a light switch and the lights come on. We see a Jimmy and Christine enter making out, fumbling with removing jackets.)

JIMMY (while kissing)

You are amazing.

CHRISTINE (while kissing)

Shut…up…

(They continue kissing.)

JIMMY (while kissing)

Two strangers meet in a bar-

CHRISTINE (while kissing)

Seriously, Jimmy.

JIMMY

I’m just so excited.

(Christine is about to say something and we hear a baby cry off stage.)

CHRISTINE

Your turn.

(Jimmy exits. Christine gets her self a beer. Jimmy re-enters carrying a baby.)

JIMMY

Hey, Buddy…It’s good. We’re good. This is fun.

CHRISTINE

Yeah. Fun. Being strangers meeting at a bar was supposed to spice things up.

JIMMY

I thought it did. I had a lot of fun. And now we get to play house.

(The doorbell rings. Christine opens the door and Anna comes in.)

ANNA

Hey, can I have my baby back? We’re ready for bed.

JIMMY

Sure, sure. Here you go.

(He hands the baby to Anna)

ANNA

Hey, there, Hank. How ya’ doing’? Oh, you’re such a good boy. How was role-playing night?

CHRISTINE

I think we tried too many things at once. One night stand with strangers, young couple having post-baby sex-

ANNA

Keith and I just get naked and have sex. It’s fun. Have a good night.

(She exits.)

JIMMY

Want to just get naked?

CHRISTINE

That seems so straightforward. We could play divorced couple.

JIMMY

And have massive angry reconciliation sex? Kinky.

CHRISITNE (taking out phone)

I’ll call the lawyers.

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 335 - "A Signing From God"

“A Signing From God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/19/09

335 of 365

Cast

Rev. Arnold, 50s

Thea, 50s

Wally, 60s

(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)

REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)

-And the Lord loves us all

Regardless of religion

Wants us all to get along

Even just a smidgen

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

REV. ARNOLD (speaking)

Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.

THEA (Stops signing)

What?

REV. ARNOLD

Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.

(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)

WALLY

What is he saying?

THEA (signing)

He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!

REV. ARNOLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-

THEA

Loved? She’s only been missing a month.

REV. ARNOLD

Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.

THEA

How do you know this is God’s plan?

WALLY

Let her speak!

(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)

THEA

I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.

REV. ARNOLD

After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.

WALLY

Were you praying or pulling your pud?

REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)

Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.

WALLY

Doesn’t answer the question!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.

WALLY

The Lord is my Viagra!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.

THEA

Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?

REV. ARNOLD

Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.

(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)

WALLY

Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!

(Blackout)

Week 42, Day 293 - "Lake Rood"

“Lake Rood”

Written by Joe Janes

11/7/09

293 of 365

CAST

Theodore, 50s

Jeff, 30s

Pooper, ??

(Lights up on Theodore, a homeless man, rummaging through alley dumpsters looking for food. He comes across a framed painting.)

THEODORE

Lovely day for shopping at the local market. Hello, Mabel, how are you? How’s Vern? How are the kids? Why, no, I did not hear about Peter? Really? What a rascal! Well, she’s better off, let me tell you…Hello? What’s this? Somebody painted this. Somebody painted this, stuck it in a frame and someone threw it out in the trash. Looks like a train. Or a mill.

(Jeff walks by with his dog.)

THEODORE

Hey, mister. Got any change?

JEFF

No, Theodore. Not tonight. Just out walking my dog.

THEODORE

Yeah, yeah. Jeff, right? And his wonder mutt. Hey, you like art? You look like an art man to me. Or maybe your wife. Or your dog.

JEFF

What did you find there?

THEODORE

A painting. Look. I think it’s a train. Or a mill.

JEFF

Or a serene lake in autumn as if you were looking from the front porch of your father’s cabin where he died.

THEODORE

I suppose we all see what we want to see. That’s the point of art, right? Give it to you for ten bucks. You want to buy it?

JEFF

No. I want to strangle my wife.

THEODORE

That’s twenty. Cash only.

JEFF

I painted this. This is where I used to go as a kid with my dad. Lake Rood. R-o-o-d.

THEODORE

I know how to spell. Well, Jeff, I can see it has sentimental value. You can talk me down on the price.

JEFF

I don’t understand why Lacey threw it out. She knew it meant something to me. She never said anything bad about it, ever. It’s been on the wall above our sofa for years. Years. Longer than we’ve owned…him. (indicates the dog)

THEODORE

Guess that’s why I never got married. That and I’ve been told I have an aroma women find unattractive. Not a good one. Sort of like baby powder and vomit.

JEFF

I’ve never done anything bad to anything she owns.

THEODORE

Want me to see what I can get for it and give you a cut?

JEFF

This is her dog, too. I walk him every night. I do. Rain or no rain. She named him Pooper. Such a horrible name. I’m embarrassed to call him.

THEODORE

Pooper. That’s bad. It’s one thing if you gain a name like that as a nickname, but to intentionally be named that. Hey, Fuck Box! (Jeff looks at him.) That’s the last name someone called me. I deserved it for reasons I wish not to go into. I’m glad it didn’t stick.

JEFF

Oh, and look. It has a scratch in it. And some grape jelly.

(Theodore looks at the painting and licks off the jelly.)

THEODORE

You should get back at her.

JEFF

You’re right. I should. Here.

(He hands Theodore Pooper’s leash.)

THEODORE

Whoa, man. A dog? What am I going to do with a dog? I can’t even feed myself.

JEFF

Eat it. I don’t care. It’s not my dog. But I want my painting. My house, my painting. It goes where I say it goes. I’ll tell Lacey I traded the dog to get my painting back. That will serve her right.

(Theodore hands him the painting.)

THEODORE

Okay. I can probably get more money for, uh, man, I have to give him another name.

JEFF

Do that. He’ll be thankful.

(Jeff exits with the painting. Theodore sits Pooper down.)

THEODORE

Sit…Petey…Butch…Yeller…Fuck Box… (This last name excites Pooper.) Oh, you like that name. Okay, then, from this day forward you shall be known as Fuck Box. Let’s see if we can find us both some food, because if we don’t, that hind leg of yours is looking delish. That’s right, delish. I’m fancy.

(They walk off together as lights fade.)

Week 40, Day 276 - "Room in New York"

“Room in New York”

Written by Joe Janes

10/21/09

276 of 365

CAST

William, 20s

Shelly, 20s

(Lights up on a very small New York apartment. William sits in an upholstered chair leaning forward while reading a newspaper. He wears dark slacks, matching vest and tie and a white shirt. Shelly sits at an upright piano facing him. Between them is a small round table that also doubles as their dining table. Shelly wears a nice red dress. Her black hair pulled back. She is watching William read. He is oblivious to this. Clear she is not going to get his attention, she looks around the room, out the window and to the piano. Her lower body still faces William; she turns her upper body to softly strike a note or two on the piano.)

SHELLY

I’m going to make dinner.

WILLIAM (still reading)

Okay.

(She makes no move to get up and still plays the piano softly plunking a key or two without any intention to play a tune.)

SHELLY

That new chop suey place opened up down the street.

WILLIAM

I saw.

SHELLY

We could try it out. (William looks up from his paper.) Or not. (William goes back to his paper. More silence as he reads and as she occasionally breaks the silence with a poke at the piano keys.) Oh, I talked to Thelma today. She called next door and Mrs. Murphy was nice enough to let me take it, even though it wasn’t an emergency. She and Ernst are driving into the city to have dinner and go see a play called “The Gay Scoundrel.” Doesn’t that sound like fun?

WILLIAM

I hate drama.

SHELLY

It’s supposed to be madcap. She said it was about a scoundrel who shows up at the reading of a will and pretends to be a long lost relative. Thelma said it was madcap. (William does not look up from his paper. Shelly continues to ponder the piano.) What is madcap?

WILLIAM

Silly hat.

SHELLY

Right. Mad cap. Of course. They must wear silly hats in the play. Sounds like fun. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

WILLIAM

I hate drama.

SHELLY

I know. Just thought we’d do something different. I haven’t seen Thelma in ages. And you like Ernst-

WILLIAM (matter-of-factly)

I don’t like Ernst.

SHELLY

I told them about the chop suey place. I don’t think they’re going to go there, though. Ernst doesn’t like exotic food.

WILLIAM

Shelly. I’ve been on my feet all day. I like coming home and reading the paper.

SHELLY

We could just go for a walk.

WILLIAM

My feet are killing me.

(Shelly looks at William as he continues reading. She looks quietly exasperated, close to tears. She calms herself and returns to the piano. She hits a few notes quietly and then one note loud and with much discord. William looks at her, she does not turn toward him.)

WILLIAM

You look pretty.

SHELLY

I know.

(He goes back to reading.)

SHELLY

That’s yesterday’s newspaper.

(William checks it out.)

WILLIAM

So, it is.

SHELLY

And you haven’t turned the page in quite some time.

WILLIAM

I’ve been reading the same paragraph over and over. Something about powdered milk.

SHELLY

I’m dying in this place, William.

WILLIAM

We’ve talked about this.

SHELLY

I know.

WILLIAM

I’m not made of money. Times are hard. I’m lucky to have a job. Things will get better.

SHELLY (she looks at him)

When?

WILLIAM (he returns the gaze)

When they do.

(He retreats to the newspaper. She looks at the piano. She turns back towards him suddenly. He looks up. She slowly reaches across the table and takes the newspaper from him. She looks devilish. She takes one of the pages and folds it into a paper hat. William watches helplessly. She sets the hat on William’s head.)

SHELLY

Mad cap.

(William stands.)

WILLIAM

Well, since I have on my best chapeau, would the lady like to accompany me and perhaps share a small plate of finely chopped suey?

SHELLY (standing)

The lady would.

(He takes her arm. They turn toward the door, standing, not moving. Lights fade.)

Week 20, Day 134 - "I Do... Hold On"

“I Do…Hold On”
Written by Joe Janes
6/1/09
134 of 365

CAST
Father Haptenstahl, 60s
Jenny, 20s
Elliot, 20s
Lars, 50s
Moe, 50s

(Lights up on Elliot and Jenny standing at the alter with Father Haptenstahl presiding.)

FATHER

Jenny…Elliot…We gather today to bare witness to your holy matrimony. The union of two souls before our heavenly father is a sacred moment. One we should all cherish. (A cell phone rings) … It is a commitment not to be taken lightly… (Cell phone rings, again)

(Lars gets up from the front row and walks down the aisle a few steps)

LARS

Hello?...

FATHER

… One that requires all of us to bring to bear our full attention…

JENNY

Dad…

LARS (waving them off with his hand)

Aw, Bunny, you’re not that lost. When you see the gas station, make a right. Look for the dinky church on the left. Don’t sweat it, I’ll stay on… (Lars notices the wedding party looking at him.) Hey, chop-chop. I don’t hear any hitching going on, Padre.

FATHER

Very well… Eliot, Jenny, please hold hands. These rings are a symbol of your love and devotion to one another. Your promise to always be there for one another. Your promise-

LARS

What’s that, Bunny? You’re breaking up. (He moves closer to the couple.)... Yeah, yeah. It’s an open bar. No need to pick anything up. Hey, you wearing that hot little black dress? You are going to be the hottest babe at the reception. (He howls, notices his daughter glaring at him.) Next to my daughter, that is. You look hot, too, Jenny. C’mon, Padre. Keep it moving, we’re not catholic.

JENNY

Dad. You’re embarrassing me.

LARS

Aw, Jenny. I’m just trying to help Bunny make it to your first wedding. She might be your newest mom, some day. If she plays her cards, right. Right, Elliot? (He nudges, Eliot.)

ELLIOT

Ow.

FATHER

Mr. Peterson. Please turn off your cell phone and please return to your seat. This is a house of God-

LARS

More like the house of God Damn! As in, Goddamn I’m spending a lot of money on my daughter’s nuptials. You’re on your own for the next one, Jenny.

JENNY

This will be my only one, Dad.

LARS

Sure. Sure it will, baby. (He nudges Elliot, again. Elliot rubs his arm.) You hang on to her, Elliot. Hang on tight. Don’t let go until she files for a restraining order. And maybe not even then. What’s that, Bunny?... No, sweet cheeks. I said left at the gas station, now I don’t know where the hell you are. (He starts to walk down the aisle and out the door). Tell you what; just go back to the motel. I’ll swing by the reception, grab us up some booze and wedding cake, and we’ll have our own dance party. You leave that dress on, you hear. That dress don’t come off until I say it comes off. See you back at the Red Roof.

(He has exited. Jenny is tearing up.)

FATHER

Now, Jenny. You are surrounded, now, by very devoted loved ones. Am I right, everyone? We are not here just for a good time. We are here to support you and Elliot. Not only are the two of you making a commitment to one another, but we are making a solemn promise to you. We are here to help the two of you through the tough times. To share your joy as well as your pain. We are you friends and family. Now, look into the eyes of this man here that loves you so deeply.

(Jenny does and she cheers up.)

FATHER

Now, then. Elliot, do you swear to love and cherish this woman with all your heart-

(A cell phone rings. Moe stands in the front row, picking it up.)

MOE

No, Rocko. I said to stay in the Jacuzzi and leave the champagne on ice!... (To Elliot) It’s your new dad.

ELLIOT

Mom!

(Blackout)

Week 19, Day 128 - "Book Club"

TWO PLUGS: This weekend is your last chance to see "Throwing Heat" - info is to your left. Also, check out Mac n Cheese Dinner Parties. I went to a party a few weeks ago and had a great time. It was an awesome opportunity to meet people outside my usual circles.


“Book Club”
Written by Joe Janes
5/26/09
128 of 365

CAST
Dina, 30s
Carly, 30s
Kim, 30s
Dave, 30s
Marty, 30s
Boon, 30s

(Lights up on Dina and Carly seated on a couch. In the background, Dave and Marty are chatting. Carly is noticeably pregnant. Dina is nervous.)

CARLY

Did you read the book?

DINA

I did. I’m not sure what to make of it.

CARLY

Oprah liked it.

DINA

Good enough for me. Nathan took me out to dinner last night to Charlie Trotters.

CARLY

Pretty fancy for a Thursday. What was the occasion?

(Dina holds up her hand and shows Carly her new engagement ring. Carly squeals.)

DINA

Shhh – Shhh – I want to break the news to the whole group when everyone gets here. But I just had to tell you first.

CARLY

I am so happy for you. Nathan is such a great guy. I wish I had been that lucky.

DINA

Wha-?

MARTY

Hey, let’s get this literary shindig rocking, Boon.

(Marty and Dave head over to the sofa and chairs. Boon and Kim enter. Kim carries a bottle of wine.)

KIM (a little tipsy)

Does anybody need more wine?

CARLY

I could use some.

(Kim pours Carly a little as she gets a look from Dina.)

CARLY (continuing)

What? It’s red wine. It’s good for the baby.

(Marty rolls his eyes.)

BOON

Hey, everybody, before we get started, Kim and I have something we want to say.

KIM

You guys are our best friends in the whole world and we always want it to be that way. We love the Friday book club. We love you guys.

BOON

What Kim is trying to say is that we’re going to get a divorce.

(General reactions of “what!?!”)

KIM

It’s okay. It’s okay. We still like each other.

BOON

We just realized that we were more just friends or roommates instead of what we thought a married couple should be.

DAVE

Will we still do Book Club?

KIM

Oh, hell yes. We don’t want anything to change. It will all still be the same, except that Boon and I won’t be hitched. And we can even still have it here. I’m keeping the house.

BOON

She’s keeping the house.

KIM

But it doesn’t change a goddam thing. Book Club forever! Let’s get started. Who read “Cassandra’s New Lover”?

(Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably.)

MARTY

I like how you guys are handling this. You seem pretty okay with it.

KIM

We are.

BOON

Oh, yes. Definitely. We still want to be close friends. Just not married.

MARTY

Well, as a guy who’s been through two divorces already, let me know if you need any guidance.

CARLY

Yeah. Marty’s got a rewards card from the courthouse. Soon he’ll get discounts on alimony.

MARTY

Dave and Dina, you two are so lucky to be single.

DAVE

I wouldn’t mind being married.

DINA

Actually, I-

CARLY

Honey, we should tell them.

MARTY

Really? Now?

CARLY

Yes. Now.

MARTY

Carly and I are splitting up.

(Slightly more intense reactions of “what!?!”)

CARLY

I thought the baby would change things, but Marty’s still a self-absorbed ass that doesn’t know how to communicate.

MARTY

Guilty as charged. And Carly still has the mood swings of an oscillating lawn sprinkler. And, boy, if the pregnancy doesn’t just point up that fact. It’s really been a pleasure.

DAVE

You’re separating. Not divorcing? So, you might get back together.

DINA

Well, that’s good. You’re giving yourself some distance to work things out.

MARTY

That’s the idea, but you know, whatever (He trails off mumbling.)

CARLY

Marty bought a condo across the street so he can be close by to help raise little Ignatius.

DINA

Ignatius?

MARTY

Yep. That’s another reason.

CARLY

But we’re going to be civil and we don’t want this in anyway to disrupt the Friday night Book Club. So, “Cassandra’s New Lover.” I liked it. I wasn’t crazy about the estranged brother character-

DINA

Oh, me, neither. What was the point?

KIM

Holy fucking shit look at that rock!

BOON

Wow!

DAVE

You’re engaged, Dina?

DINA

Yep, Nathan got down on his knees last night.

CARLY

That ring is humongous.

DINA

It’s from Jared’s.

MARTY

So, Nathan got down on his knees twice.

KIM

Well, this is a celebration!

BOON

You and Nathan are going to be so happy together.

DINA

You think?

(General “Oh, yeas” and “sures” except from Dave. Silence.)

DINA (continuing)

Thanks.

DAVE

What is wrong with you people? Everyone I know is getting a divorce. Here, at work, in my family. They’re either getting a divorce or they’re pregnant, and that’s not going so well, either. I’ve been single my entire adult life and not for lack of trying. I’ve been engaged once, engaged-to-be-engaged twice. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t even get in to this marriage club that you guys are
shitting all over. I like the idea of being committed to one person my whole life and sticking with them when things get rough, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

DINA

I want that, Dave. I want that for Nathan and me.

DAVE

Then I highly recommend you stop hanging out with these pillars of wedded bliss.

BOON

Dave. You’re a single guy. Why do you even hang out with married people at a book club on a Friday night?

MARTY

Moot point. If he stands there long enough, we’ll all be single, again.

DAVE

I had a crush on Dina. Sorry, I should have told you, but you were always seeing someone or I was. We never seemed to both be available at the same time.

DINA

I love Nathan.

MARTY (to Dave)

Give it a year.

(Blackout.)