Week 52, Day 359 - "Pigeon"

“Pigeon”

Written by Joe Janes

1/12/10

359 of 365

CAST:

Frank, 30s

Tom, 70s

Cop, 40s

Four homeless people, various ages

Four elderly people, 70s

(Lights up on a park bench. We hear the sound of pigeons cooing. Frank, a homeless man, is sifting through a garbage can. Tom, an elderly man, enters with a paper bag and sits down. Frank sees him and holds out his hand. Tom shrugs as if to say he has nothing. Tom sits on the bench and starts feeding the pigeons bread crumbs from the bag. Frank notices this. A cop enters.)

COP

Sir, please don’t feed the pigeons.

TOM

But-

COP

Pigeons are known to carry disease and their droppings are both noxious and unsightly. If you feed them, more of them will show up and we will have more pigeons than this park can handle.

(Tom nods and folds the paper bag closed. The pigeon sounds fade. The cop exits.)

FRANK

Hey, Mister. Can you help a guy out?

(Tom thinks for a moment and starts throwing breadcrumbs at Frank, who catches them in his mouth. Four other homeless people appear from various directions and starts begging for crumbs. Tom obliges them. The cop re-enters.)

COP

Sir!

(Tom folds the bag closed. The homeless people all sulk away. The cop is satisfied and exits. Tom sits looking lonely. He opens the bag and nibbles on a crouton. Suddenly, four other elderly people appear out of nowhere, all dressed similarly to Tom.)

COP (offstage)

Sir!

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 356 - "Rate of Decay"

“Rate of Decay”

Written by Joe Janes

1/9/10

356 of 365

Cast:

Man, 30s

Woman, 30s

(Lights up on a man and woman standing downstage, seeming to be looking if full length mirrors. They are checking out how they look. It starts with adjusting bits of their clothing and moves to inspecting things like love handles, eye bags, jowls, etc.)

MAN

I think I’m getting older.

WOMAN

You look great. I’m the one getting older.

MAN

You look great. What’s age anyway?

WOMAN

Just a number. You’re only as old as you feel,

MAN

Shouldn’t worry about getting older. Life begins at forty.

WOMAN

That’s what all the old people tell me.

MAN

We really shouldn’t worry about it.

WOMAN

Worrying about it will only make us older.

MAN

Hey, looks go out to dinner.

WOMAN

It’s only four o’clock.

MAN

I know, but I’m hungry.

WOMAN

Me, too. Oh, and they have a two-for-one early bird special at Vinnie’s Italiano.

(They look at each other with great concern, they turn to the mirrors and look at them once more, they look back at each other.)

MAN

I can’t pass up a deal like that.

WOMAN

I’ll go put on my fat pants.

(Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 349 - "Much To Do"

“Much To Do”

Written by Joe Janes

1/2/10

349 of 365

CAST:
Carl, 30s

Donna, 30s

(Lights up on Carl sitting at a table sipping coffee and writing the final item of a list. He looks satisfied. Donna enters in her bathrobe and pours herself a cup of coffee.)

DONNA

You’re up early.

CARL

Yep. I’m tired of pissing my days away. I have a lot of stuff I need to do at work and around the house, so I got up early and made a list. Here’s all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

DONNA

You made a “to do” list?

CARL

That’s a good name for it. I like it. I’m going to steal that.

(He writes “to do” at the top of his list.)

DONNA

That’s what they’re called.

CARL

Then I have made a “to do” list.

(Pause.)

DONNA

Why aren’t you “to do”-ing things?

CARL

My “to do” list officially starts tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to fuck off.

DONNA

Make sure you right that down.

(He does. Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 342 - "God Hates Fags"

“God Hates Fags”

Written by Joe Janes

12/26/09

342 of 365

Cast:

Oral, 50s

Richard, 30s

God, ???

(Lights up on Oral, a conservative religious right activist holding a picket sign that says “God Hates Fags.” Richard, a liberal Christian activist enters stage right carrying a sign. He stands next to Oral and holds it up. It says “God Loves Everyone.” He flips the sign and it says “Even Oral” with an arrow pointing toward Oral. Oral holds up his sign higher and flips it revealing “Especially Richard” with an arrow pointing toward Richard. Lights flash and we hear a loud crack of thunder as God appears between them carrying a sign. He is a short man with long white hair and beard and wearing a robe. He raises his sign we see that it says “I DO Hate Fags,” Richard is shocked and Oral is deliriously happy. God flips the sign and it says “But I Love Gay People.” God laughs. Richard and Oral look at him confused. God notices them not laughing. He shows them the “fag” side of the sign and then the “gay” side. Still no response from them.)

GOD

See, I hate fags. It’s an ugly word. And in my eyes, you’re all gay and I love all of you. (They are still not getting it. God gets pissed and breaks his sign.) I hate it when I have to explain my jokes! (He storms off.) You’re both going to hell!

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 341 - "The Thoughts That Count"

“The Thoughts That Count”

Written by Joe Janes

12/25/09

341 of 365

CAST

Momma Judy, 50s

Grandpa Leo, 70s

Sister Sue, 30s

Baby Neil, teens

(Lights up on Momma Judy, Grandpa Leo, Sister Sue and Baby Neil sitting in a semi-circle. Momma Judy hands Grandpa Leo a plastic gift card.)

MOMMA JUDY

Here you go, Grandpa Leo. I got you a gift card.

GRANDPA LEO (squinting)

Ten dollars for iTunes (pronounced “it-oo-nez”). Sounds like they might have good burritos.

MOMMA JUDY

Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

(Grandpa Leo takes out his wallet, puts in the gift card and takes out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to Sister Sue.)

GRANDPA LEO

Sister Sue, here’s a twenty dollar bill.

SISTER SUE

Twenty dollars!

GRANDPA LEO

Give me ten back and you can keep the rest.

MOMMA JUDY

You’re giving her money?

GRANDPA LEO

It’s nature’s gift card. She can use it anywhere.

MOMMA JUDY

Except on iTunes (pronounced correctly.).

SISTER SUE

It’s the thought that counts, Momma Judy. (She hands Grandpa Leo eight dollars.) I only have eight dollars, Grandpa Leo.

GRANDPA LEO

You can owe me.

BABY NEIL

Where’s my gift, Sister Sue?

SISTER SUE

Baby Neil, I texted you a Merry Christmas.

BABY NEIL

That was you? There was no caller id; just a phone number and it said M-R-Y-X-M-A-S.

SISTER SUE

I’m glad you got it.

BABY NEIL

And it cost me twenty cents a text.

MOMMA JUDY

Don’t you have a gift for me, Baby Neil? It’s a tradition. Every year we do a gift exchange.

BABY NEIL

Every year we give each other worthless crap.

GRANDPA LEO

Hey-

SISTER SUE

It’s how we show we care.

BABY NEIL

Oh, then I guess I did get you something, Momma Judy. (Baby Neil reaches into his pocket and pulls out his hand flipping everyone the bird. Pause.)

MOMMA JUDY

That’s better.

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 331 - "Free Hugs"

“Free Hugs”

Written by Joe Janes

12/16/09

331 of 365

Cast

Harry, 30s

Smudge, 30s

Baby Candy, 20s

(Lights up on a street corner. Harry, a cute, nebbish man is holding a handmade sign that says “Free Hugs.” He stands there until someone in the audience is brave enough to come up and get a hug from him. After one, likely another person will join in. When a third person comes, Smudge, a pimp and Baby Candy, his ho, enter. Smudge taps Harry on the shoulder with his walking stick. He indicates he wants some money. Smudge and Baby Candy chase off anyone waiting for a hug. Smudge bitch slaps the Harry to the ground and takes his wallet. He takes the money and throws the wallet away. He sends Baby Candy offstage. Smudge takes the man’s sign and tears it up. Baby Candy returns with a new sign and gives it to the hug guy. The pimp and ho exit, but not without a severe look of warning. Harry gets up and holds up the new sign. It says “Nasty Hugs - $20.” An overweight, sloppy pervy guy enters, sees the man and licks his lips as he seductively pulls out a twenty. Lights fade.)

Week 48, Day 330 - "So Help Me God"

“So Help Me God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/14/09

330 of 365

Cast

Judge, 50s

Mr. Webb, 30s

Bailiff, 30s

(Lights up on Judge, Mr. Webb and Bailiff in a court of law. The bailiff is swearing in Mr. Webb.)

BALIFF

Raise your right hand. (He does.) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

WEBB

No.

BALIFF

Uh…judge?

JUDGE

Mr. Webb, you really need to in order for us to proceed.

WEBB

I’m not trying to hold things up, your honor. I just don’t believe in God.

(There is an uproar, real or imagined, in the court. The judge flips out with his gavel.)

JUDGE

Order! Order in the court! Another outburst like that and I’ll clear this courtroom so fast you’ll wonder how the hell you got outside without moving your legs! (Back to serene judge) You don’t believe in the lord almighty, Mr. Webb?

WEBB

No, your honor. I do not. No disrespect intended.

JUDGE

None taken. None taken. But you see our dilemma here, right?

WEBB

You need to swear me in.

JUDGE

Exactly.

BALIFF

Otherwise, your whole testimony could be a lie.

(Another outburst. The judge flips out on his gavel, again.)

JUDGE (standing)

Jesus H. Christ on a stick! I’ll call for the county busses and make all of you spend the night in jail to contemplate your unseemly behavior! One cell! One cell for all of you. With only one toilet. The kind without any privacy. (Sits) Don’t push the robe! (Back to serene.) Tell me, Mr. Webb. How can you assure us that your testimony will be the truth?

WEBB

Can’t I just promise?

JUDGE

We need a teensy bit more assurance. The thing about God is that you’re telling the utmost authority over everything that you’re going to tell it like it is.

WEBB

I will tell it like it is.

JUDGE

I believe you. We just need some collateral. Fearing the wrath of (points up) does the trick for most people. You don’t believe there’s a higher power running the big show?

WEBB

No, your honor. I think all there is, is all there is. No heaven, no hell, no afterlife.

JUDGE

Anything you do believe in?

WEBB

I believe a man is his word.

JUDGE

Well, okay then. We can work with that. Bailiff?

BALIFF

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you you?

WEBB

I do.

(Uproar in the court. Judge flips.)

JUDGE

That’s it! That’s it! Out of my courtroom! Everyone out! Out! (The all three look out at the audience.)

BALIFF

No one’s leaving, Judge.

JUDGE

I can see that.

WEBB

I guess they don’t believe you.

BAILIFF

I could swear you in. (Judge holds up his hand) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Mr. Webb?

JUDGE

I do. (uproar – extreme gaveling) Order! Order!

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 329 - "Grosseries"

“Grosseries”

Written by Joe Janes

12/13/09

329 of 365

CAST

Seth, teens

Ben, 20s

Chastity, 20s

(Lights up on Ben and Chastity at a checkout counter. The Seth, the clerk is totally up their groceries as Ben hands what he can for Chastity to hold.)

SETH

And you total is eighty dollars and seventy-five cents.

(Ben pays Seth.)

CHASTITY

That’s a lot.

BEN

Really not bad for a week’s worth of groceries.

SETH

Here’s your change…

CHASTITY

At a grocery store. Except you insist on shopping at movie theater concession stands.

SETH

And a coupon for fifty cents off a jumbo nacho combo on your next visit.

BEN (To Chastity)

Hello, coupons.

CHASTITY

Wait. We need toilet paper.

BEN

Napkins, please. (Seth hands Ben a few napkins.) Keep ‘em coming.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 328 - "Settling Down"

“Settling Down”

Written by Joe Janes

12/12/09

328 of 365

CAST

Noreen, 30s

Wade. 30s

(Lights up on Noreen and Wade sitting on a sofa eating dinner off the coffee table. We hear “Wheel of Fortune” lightly on the television. They stare at the television and eat slowly, methodically, without much thought. They are very deadpan.)

NOREEN

Dinner’s good.

WADE

It’s leftovers.

(They continue eating and watching television.)

WADE (continuing)

I’m probably not going to get anyone better than you.

NOREEN

I was thinking the same thing.

WADE

You’re the best possible woman I am able to attract. And I’m probably as good as it gets for you.

NOREEN

I’ve had better.

WADE

Me, too. (Beat) Those people are gone.

NOREEN

It doesn’t get any better than this.

(They continue eating and watching television. Noreen turns and looks at Wade. He puts his fork down and turns to look at her.)

NOREEN

We should get married.

WADE

Okay.

(They resume eating and watching television.)

WADE

We should probably celebrate.

NOREEN

There are grape popsicles in the freezer.

WADE

Score.

(They continue eating and watching the television as lights fade.)

Week 46, Day 322 - "Who's Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?"

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?”

Written by Joe Janes

12/6/09

322 of 365

Cast:

George, 40s

Martha, 40s

Ted, 20s

Virginia, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on a living room. A middle-aged couple is having drinks with a young couple. The young woman is pregnant.)

GEORGE

Get me another drink, Martha.

MARTHA

Get it yourself, George. Wouldn’t hurt you to try to burn some calories.

TED

I’ll get it.

GEORGE

Sit down, you pathetic twerp.

VIRGINIA (meekly)

Please don’t argue.

MARTHA

Dear, we haven’t even begun to argue.

TED

Virginia is a little sensitive.

GEORGE (looking out window)

Look at that moon. It’s big.

MARTHA

Only eclipsed by the size of your ego, George.

VIRGINA (drops her drink)

Oh, dear.

TED

Now, you’ve done it.

GEORGE

Great Jehosephat!

MARTHA

I’ll call a doctor.

TED

Just stay back!

(They all stay back as Virginia quite dramatically and violently turns into a werewolf. Virginia is snarling and looks like she’s about to attack any one of them. We hear classic scary music, possibly a Theremin. Virginia howls.)

ANNOUNCER

Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia the Wolf?. You are cordially invited to George and Martha’s for an evening of fun and games.

(Virginia, as a wolf, sitting and drinking her cocktail like a dog laps up water. Ted tries to take her drink and she growls at him.)

ANNOUNCER (continuing)

Drop in for drinks and brace yourself.

(Blackout)

Week 46, Day 321 - "Christmas Comes Early... Maybe Late"

“Christmas Comes Early… Maybe Late”

Written by Joe Janes

12/5/09

321 of 365

Cast:

Stevie, 40s

Neal, 30s

Nicole, 20s

(Lights up on Stevie, a slight, burned out man with a raspy, barky voice. He wears fingerless gloves, a tight, knit cap and a beat up jacket and jeans. He stands near a Christmas tree.)

STEVIE

Trees…Trees…Christmas Trees…Ho-ho-ho for the holidays. Trees.

(Neal, in khaki shorts and a loud Hawaiian shirt walks up.)

STEVIE (continuing)

Christmas tree, Mister?

NEAL

It’s June.

STEVIE

They’re on sale.

NEAL

It’s June.

STEVIE

Christmas in July. Just around the corner.

NEAL

Christmas in July is just some figment of some marketer’s imagination. No one celebrates it other than people trying to sell you something.

STEVIE

Christmas in July sale. Christmas trees half off.

NEAL

Half off what?

STEVIE

Twenty-five dollars.

NEAL

Twelve-fifty, then.

STEVIE

…Yes.

NEAL

That is a good deal. Oh, what the hell. Maybe I’ll have a Christmas in July party. Here’s fifteen bucks. Keep the change.

(Stevie takes the money and hands Neal a Christmas tree.)

STEVIE

Happy holidays.

NEAL

Thanks.

(Neal walks off. Nicole enters, passing by.)

STEVIE

Christmas tree?

NICOLE

Uh, no.

STEVIE

Jack-o-lanterns.

NICOLE

It’s June.

STEVIE

Halloween in August. Just around the corner.

(She walks off.)

STEVIE

American flags! Independence day in June. (Pause) Buy anything now sale. (Pause) Happy holidays.

(Blackout.)

Week 45, Day 312 - "No Thanks"

“No Thanks”

Written by Joe Janes

11/26/09

312 of 365

CAST:

Miles, 30s

Hester, 30s

Massas, 30s

Shenandoah, 30s

(Lights up on Hester and Miles, pilgrims, standing with Massas and Shenandoah. They are all holding hands in prayer around a table full of food.)

MILES

Our heavenly father, we thank ye for the food of plenty we are about to partake in. We celebrate your many gifts to us. And thank you for our new Wampanoag Indian friends Massas and Shenandoah, who have helped us harvest the land. We hope to live in peace with them for many years to come. Amen.

HESTER

Amen.

MASSAS AND SHENANDOAH

…Amen.

MILES

Please, my friends sit. We appreciate all the meats and vegetables you provided us. Hester and I were more than happy to take them and make them into wonderful dishes to share with you.

HESTER (serving them)

I made this from the sweet potatoes you gave us.

MASSAS

Smells wonderful.

SHENANDOAH

Thank you.

(They both ample the dish and quickly go from delight to horror. They spit the food out.)

MASSAS

I am so sorry.

SHENANDOAH

There was some strong sweet taste beyond the potatoes.

MILES

Those were the marshmallows.

MASSAS

Marshmallows?

HESTER

It’s candy. There’s also maple syrup in there.

SHENANDOAH

You took something sweet and made it sweeter.

HESTHER

All the pilgrims are doing it, right Miles?

MILES

I think our taste buds might be a little more sophisticated than our savage friends.

MASSAS (to Shenandoah)

We’ve got to get rid of these assholes.

MILES

If you don’t like the potatoes, you’ll probably like the meat. We took a turkey and stuffed it with deer meat and chicken and deep-fried it in a very salty fat.

HESTER

We call it turdeerken.

SHENANDOAH (to Miles)

We attack at dawn.

(Blackout.)

Week 45, Day 309 - "The First Tea Partiers"

“The First Tea Partiers”

Written by Joe Janes

11/23/09

309 of 365

Cast:

Sam Adams

Colonist One

As many colonists as possible

(Lights up on Sam Adams addressing an angry mob of colonists.)

SAM

This meeting can do nothing further to save the country. Fellow colonists, the British Parliament has imposed upon us a tax on our tea. (Angry mob uproar) A tax imposed upon us without a single American representing us. (Angry mob response)

COLONSIST ONE

But, the Tea Act of 1773 actually reduces the cost of legally imported tea. It will save us money.

(Pause)

SAM

Uh… No taxation without representation! (The mob joins him in chanting) No taxation without representation! No taxation without representation!

(The angry mob starts to storm off.)

COLONIST ONE

Wait! Where’s everyone going?

SAM

We’re going to the ships to dump all the tea in the harbor.

COLONIST ONE

You’re damaging someone else’s property. That’s vandalism. It’s thievery. Not to mention how you’ll also be poisoning the fish in the water. Have you no conscience? You’ll be committing a horrible crime.

(An awkward pause as Sam and the colonists look ashamed.)

SAM

We’ll blame it on Indians!

(The mob cheers as they storm off. Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 296 - "Retard"

“Retard”

Written by Joe Janes

11/10/09

296 of 365

CAST

Bill, 30s

Marcia, 30s

(Lights up on Marcia and Bill working at computers near one another.)

BILL (reading an e-mail)

Oh, man, Marcia, did you see this e-mail from Mr. Kessler?

MARCIA

Yeah. What’s up with that?

BILL

If he thinks I’m going to work on a Saturday for free he’s a fucking retard.

MARCIA

Bill. I really find that kind of language offensive.

BILL

Oh. I’m sorry. I meant freakin’ retard. Kessler’s a freakin’ retard.

MARCIA

Bill. It’s not the “F” word. It’s the “R” word. It’s very offensive.

BILL

It is?

MARCIA

It’s as bad as the “N” word.

BILL

Oh, okay. I’ll be more careful.

MARCIA

Thank you.

BILL (reading new e-mail)

Oh, man. Now, Kessler wants us to work both Saturday and Sunday. What a fuckin’ mentally disabled person.

(He smiles at Marcia, looking for approval. She gives him a faint smile and goes back to work.)

MARCIA (to herself)

Retard.

(Blackout)

Week 42, Day 288 - "911"

“911”

Written by Joe Janes

11/2/09

288 of 365

CAST:

Leona, 40s

Raymond, 40s

(Lights up on Leona at night. She has come out of a bar and looks disheveled. She appears drunk. She fishes her keys out of her purse. She approaches her car and drops the keys. With great effort, she manages to pick them up without toppling over. She sorts through the keys looking for the car key. She finds it. She uses all her power to focus and aim the key to the car door lock. She gets it on the third try. She turns the key and the door swings open. She manages to whip her body into the car seat and closes the door behind her. Success! She goes to put the key in the ignition, but can’t find it. She checks the seat and the floor. Nothing. She rolls down the window and finds the keys still in the lock. She gets them and puts the key in the ignition. She’s about to turn the key and changes her mind. She takes a deep breath. She fishes her cell phone out of her purse and dials 911. Lights come up on the other side of the stage on Raymond at his station in the emergency call center.)

RAYMOND

911, what is your emergency?

LEONA

I’d like to report a drunk driver?

RAYMOND

Okay. Are you currently in your car?

LEONA

Yes.

RAYMOND

Are you driving behind them?

LEONA

No. I am them.

RAYMOND

You’re the drunk driver?

LEONA

Yes. But I’m not driven yet.

RAYMOND

But you have been drinking?

LEONA

My husband is an asshole!

RAYMOND

Leona, don’t call me at work.

LEONA

‘kay, bye.

(Leona passes out on the steering wheel. Blackout.)