Week 51, Day 354 - "Our Man In Accounting"

“Our Man In Accounting”

Written by Joe Janes

1/7/10

354 of 365

Cast:

Garin, 20s

Becky, 30s

Jeremy, 20s

Chrissy, 20s

J. Ben, 20s

Mr. Day, 40s

(Lights up on four office chairs. Garin sits at one upstage right; Becky sits at another downstage left. She is working at her computer. Garin is not. He is keeping an eye on Becky. J. Ben is in the back, downstage left, sorting envelopes into files and folders.)

GARIN

Psssst.

(Becky hears him, but doesn’t look. This has happened before.)

GARIN (continuing)

Psssst….Becky.

BECKY (without looking)

You don’t have to do that.

GARIN

Do what?

BECKY

Make that “psssst” sound. We’re the only two here.

GARIN

J. Ben is here.

BECKY

So? He’s just a temp.

J. BEN

I’m really a rapper.

BECKY

You could just say, “Hey, Becky.”

GARIN

Hey, Becky.

BECKY

What?

GARIN

Jeremy has been in Mr. Day’s office for over an hour. Did you hear the rumor going around?

BECKY

Everyone’s heard about Jeremy, Garin.

GARIN

Everyone?

BECKY

J. Ben?

J. BEN

I knew. Uh, (sort of rapping) Like a chunk of news falling down from the sky, I knew Jeremy was getting pink slipped in the … (He makes a face, obviously frustrated, he looks like he’s going to try again, but gives up and goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

How long have you known?

BECKY

Weeks.

GARIN

Really?... Me, too. Saw it coming.

(Jeremy enters, despondent, and takes a seat at his desk upstage left. He has a stapler sticking out of his coat or shirt pocket.)

JEREMY

I have an announcement!

BECKY

There’s only the two of us, here.

JEREMY (standing)

Oh. I see. Well, there’s something I need to tell you. I would appreciate it if you would pass it along to everyone else.

GARIN

Sure thing, Buddy.

JEREMY

Today is my last day.

BECKY

That’s so horrible, Jeremy. And so sudden.

GARIN

You said you knew.

(Chrissy enters with a Diet Coke.)

BECKY

I didn’t, I thought maybe, but I didn’t-

JEREMY

I was so careful. I can’t believe you saw through my cover.

CHRISSY

Knew what?

JEREMY

You may as well hear this, too, Chrissy.

GARIN

Jeremy got fired.

CHRISSY

Duh?

JEREMY

Fired? I did not get fired. Is that what you think? (beat) That may be the cover story, so, if anyone outside this room asks, then, yes, I got fired.

CHRISSY (sitting at her desk.)

You mean you didn’t get canned? I heard you got canned. I want your stapler. Mine sucks.

JEREMY

You may not have my stapler. (He takes it out of his pocket.) It’s government spyware. I use it to take photographs of secret documents. (He points it at Chrissy and “clicks” it.)

CHRISSY (covering her face)

No. I’m not ready.

JEREMY

And I record phone conversations with my Post-It Note dispenser.

GARIN

Explains why you’re so protective of your stuff.

CHRISSY

Your stapler doesn’t staple? I don’t want it, then.

BECKY

Jeremy, I think you’re just upset.

JEREMY

Upset. Becky, I am a spy. I don’t have emotions. I’m a cold-hearted killer. A CIA operative under deep, deep cover. I have just been called in from the cold. I was never here. I’m not here right now.

GARIN

But-

JEREMY

I’m not here.

CHRISSY

We can see you.

J. BEN

Jeremy told the world he was a spy, something… something… lie. (J. Ben looks satisfied at his ability to bust a rhyme.) Someday I will buy my moms a mansion. (He goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

You’re a spy?

JEREMY

That’s right.

GARIN

Hey, everybody. I’m Walker, Texas Ranger.

CHRISSY

You’re not Chuck Norris.

GARIN

That’s right, Chrissy. Chuck Norris is an actor. He portrayed me on television.

CHRISSY

That makes more sense.

J. BEN

I have a loaded gun in my underwear.

BECKY

Is that a metaphor?

J. BEN (Obviously confused by the question)

All I know is it’s real. It gives me edge.

CHRISSY

I’m pretty!

(Awkward pause.)

JEREMY

Any way. I have worked here, undercover, for eight years. As a matter of national security. But in that time, you people have become like family to me.

GARIN

We hardly know you.

JEREMY

Just like family. I felt I owed you the truth. Garin, you’ve always been like a son to me.

GARIN

I think I’m older than you.

JEREMY

Chrissy, you’re like the stepdaughter I never had and always lusted after.

CHRISSY

That’s so sweet.

JEREMY

And Becky, I’ve always regarded you like a second wife.

BECKY

Divorced or Mormon?

JEREMY

Both. Either. And J. Ben’s like the son I never wanted or acknowledged.

(Mr. Day enters.)

MR. DAY

And what about me, Jeremy?

JEREMY

Mr. Day. I guess you’re like my, my-

MR. DAY

Employer who told you to leave the premises immediately?

JEREMY

Yes, Sir.

MR. DAY

Before I call security.

JEREMY

I was just going to pack my stuff.

MR. DAY

We’ll have that guy (points to J. Ben) do it and ship it to you.

JEREMY

Okay. Well, then. Everyone. It has been nice working with you.

(Jeremy starts to leave. He tries to hug a sitting Becky.)

BECKY

Get off me.

JEREMY

Just like a second wife. Good-bye.

MR. DAY

Good-bye, Jeremy.

(Jeremy hands the stapler to J. Ben and walks off. J. Ben starts to clear out Jeremy’s desk.)

J. BEN

There goes Jeremy, he just lost his job, he says he’s a spy but he’s just a slob. (Pleased with himself) Hey!...Hey!

(Everyone goes back to work. Mr. Day takes the stapler out of J. Ben’s hand.)

MR. DAY

I’ll take that.

(Mr. Day takes the stapler and quickly sneaks a pic of Becky and Chrissy as he exits. Garin sees this.)

GARIN (to Becky)

Pssst! Psssst! Pssst!

(Blackout)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Eight - "The Spy Who Dated Me"

“THE SPY WHO DATED ME”
Written by Joe Janes
2/15/09
27 of 365

CAST
Michael, mid-40’s
Tracy, mid 40’s
Ludwig, mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)


TRACY
Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like his photograph.

MICHAEL
Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week that said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY
I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL
Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY
Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL
I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY
I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL
What do you do for a living?

TRACY
Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL
I’m a secret agent.

TRACY
You sell real estate?

MICHAEL
No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY
If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL
Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY
I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL
Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY
You get to kill people?

MICHAEL
Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY
What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL
Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY
Oh, my God…

MICHAEL
I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that?

MICHAEL
They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACEY
An eye exam?

MICHAEL
Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.


TRACY
Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL
Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY
Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL
Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evildoers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY
How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL
Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY
Much less than that.

MICHAEL
I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that burro.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy non-descript foreign accent.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL
We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG
Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY
That’s sweet.

MICHAEL
Thank you very much…?

LUDWIG
Steve.

MICHAEL
Steve. Do you have any soymilk, Steve? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG
I’ll be right back.

(He exits.)

TRACY
So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL
I don’t do death. Or dairy, really. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY
I think that’s chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soymilk.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your soymilk, sir.


MICHAEL
We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY
It’s okay, everybody! He has a license for this sort of thing!

MICHAEL
I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY
Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL
Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY
Not when. Where?

MICHAEL
Okay. Where can I see you, again?

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him.)

TRACY (with a heavy non-descript European accent)
In hell, Michael. In hell. Sorry I lied.

(Michael drops dead. Tracy laughs maniacally. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)