Written by Joe Janes
255 of 365
(Lights up on a microphone and stand far stage left with a spotlight on it. We hear the sound of restless arena-sized crowd. Kevin, a man trying very hard not to be pudgy, but failing miserably comes out in a too tight t-shirt for Q-103.75. “Home of the Marmoset.” He carries a small inflated beach ball. He tosses it out to the crowd.)
Are you ready to rock?... I said, are you ready to rock, Des Moines? This is Kevin Budake (boo-dacky) from Q-103.75, Home of the Marmoset. (We hear people “boo”) That’s right, Budake. I came here to Chick-Fil-A Arena to rock! Did you come here to rock? Good. Because there will be rock. And roll. There will also be rolling. We will leave here tonight having resoundingly, without question, rocked and rolled. Thunder Cheek will be out in just a minute. Before they do, the managers at the station and our sponsor, Spaghetti Warehouse and Self-Storage, wanted me to take the time to apologize for something I said on the air this morning. Sheila K., the news chick and I were doing some witty banter about the economy. Uh, let me just say that it was an accident. It wasn’t intentional. When I called Sheila a Jew, I was just joking. I didn’t know that she was really a Jew and would, therefore, find being called a Jew offensive. “K.” apparently stands for Kleinheimerstein. She probably would have found it funny if she weren’t a Jew. I find it quite hilarious when people call me a Jew. Call ne a Jew and I will giggle. Because I am not one. I’m really surprised Sheila’s a Jew. This is Des Moines. She’s probably the only one. Along with her family. And all those people that go to that synagogue building that I thought was for Mormons. So, boy, do I have matzo on my face. (With a Jewish accent) Oy vay, am I sorry or what? So, Sheila, I hope you accept my apology and I see you back at the station tomorrow, unless, it’s of course, some holiday I don’t know about. In which case, I’ll see you the next Jewish workday. (He looks offstage with a questioning look) Now, it’s time for Thunder Cheek…? (He looks offstage and shakes his head questioningly) Okay. One more thing. Now, when I tried to apologize on the air to Sheila by saying I was just monkeying around, I mean, come on. It was really harmless. I didn’t mean anything by that even though I am fully aware of Sheila’s African-American heritage, of which she should really, really be proud. And, hey, we’re Home of the Marmoset – a monkey. No one’s ever complained about that. Well, actually, I have. Who the hell’s ever heard of a marmoset? Particularly, a marmoset that rocks. Besides, I said I was the monkey, not Sheila. Curious George always-getting-into-trouble kind of monkeying around. Not that any of this is about anyone’s skin color, but because of Sheila’s particular pigmentation, I really didn’t expect her to be African American and Jewish American, too. Some people have accused me of being a racist and that hurts. It couldn’t be further from the truth. If you knew me, you would know better. I voted for Obama. A black man and a Muslim, which is like a Jew. So, I’m sorry, really, really sorry, if anyone was offended by my poor choice of words this morning. We cool? We cool? (He looks off stage pleadingly) We cool. Now, here all the way from San Francisco, the world’s first all-Asian heavy metal band, Thunder Chink…. Oh, shit.