Written by Joe Janes
10/5/09
260 of 365
CAST:
Malory, 30s
Mike, 30s
(Lights up on Malory sitting in her living room with her eyes closed.)
MIKE (offstage)
Keep your eyes closed, honey.
MALORIE
They’re closed. Hurry, the suspense is killing me!
(Mike enters carrying an axe that has been wrapped in tin foil and has a bow on it.)
MIKE
Here I come.
(He sneaks up next to her and holds the axe out in front of her, presenting it to her.)
MIKE (continuing)
Happy Anniversary, Malory Finklestein.
(She opens her eyes and squeals and then looks confused.)
MALORIE
Happy Anniversary, Michael Finklestein. It’s an axe.
MIKE
Hey, you’re supposed to open it first.
MALORIE
Pretty sure it’s an axe.
MIKE
Don’t you want to unwrap it?
MALORIE
I’m sure if I needed to, I could use it without unwrapping it. (She looks at it some more.) Are you taking me camping and we have to build our own log cabin?
MIKE
No, silly. To be used around the house. If we ever need it. Hopefully, we’ll never need it.
MALORIE
This is not what I expected at all.
MIKE
It’s kind of a tradition in my family.
MALORIE
To give axes for first anniversary presents? What’s second year, chain saws?
MIKE
It’s for security. (He sets the axe down and kneels down next to Malory, holding her hand.) Malory, I want you to know, that I love you. And I will always do whatever needs to be done out of my love for you. Even if it means burying this axe into your head to destroy your brain should you ever become a zombie.
MALORIE
That’s sweet, Mike. Up until the zombie part. Actually, just before. The destroying my brain part by inserting this axe into my head. Sweet up till then.
MIKE
And I would expect you to do the same for me.
MALORIE
But only if you become a zombie, right?
MIKE
Or a vampire. But you would also need to put a stake in my heart and use the axe to remove my head. There are stakes in a shoebox on the high shelf in the hall closet. I was going to wait until your birthday to give you those.
MALORIE
On Buffy, it’s just a quick jab and the vampires disintegrate.
MIKE
Honey, that’s just a TV show.
MALORIE
You’re serious about all this.
MIKE
As serious as I could ever be. My great great grandmother, Josephina Finklestein, came back from the dead and my great great grandfather, Gilbert Finklestein, didn’t have the heart to take her down with a blow to the head. She ate him. Would have taken over the whole town if my great grandmother, Blanche Finklestein, hadn’t picked up an axe and started chopping off the heads of the living dead.
MALORIE
How do you know your Blanche Finklestein wasn’t just an axe-wielding serial killer?
MIIKE
That’s what the police said when they locked her up in the insane asylum. But he rest of my family knew better. And we’ve always taken this precaution with our loved ones.
MALORIE
Tell you what. Let’s put this away in the closet with the wooden stakes. It’s there if we ever need it. (She takes the axe and walks off stage to put it in the closet. From offstage we hear…) Oh, Mike! This is beautiful. (She walks back in holding silver candlesticks.) These candlesticks are beautiful. You are such a practical joker. You really had me going. These are the best anniversary gift ever. (She hugs him)
MIKE
Um, those are for making silver bullets.
(Blackout)
