Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Week 38, Day 260 - "Just In Case"

“Just In Case”

Written by Joe Janes

10/5/09

260 of 365

CAST:

Malory, 30s

Mike, 30s

(Lights up on Malory sitting in her living room with her eyes closed.)

MIKE (offstage)

Keep your eyes closed, honey.

MALORIE

They’re closed. Hurry, the suspense is killing me!

(Mike enters carrying an axe that has been wrapped in tin foil and has a bow on it.)

MIKE

Here I come.

(He sneaks up next to her and holds the axe out in front of her, presenting it to her.)

MIKE (continuing)

Happy Anniversary, Malory Finklestein.

(She opens her eyes and squeals and then looks confused.)

MALORIE

Happy Anniversary, Michael Finklestein. It’s an axe.

MIKE

Hey, you’re supposed to open it first.

MALORIE

Pretty sure it’s an axe.

MIKE

Don’t you want to unwrap it?

MALORIE

I’m sure if I needed to, I could use it without unwrapping it. (She looks at it some more.) Are you taking me camping and we have to build our own log cabin?

MIKE

No, silly. To be used around the house. If we ever need it. Hopefully, we’ll never need it.

MALORIE

This is not what I expected at all.

MIKE

It’s kind of a tradition in my family.

MALORIE

To give axes for first anniversary presents? What’s second year, chain saws?

MIKE

It’s for security. (He sets the axe down and kneels down next to Malory, holding her hand.) Malory, I want you to know, that I love you. And I will always do whatever needs to be done out of my love for you. Even if it means burying this axe into your head to destroy your brain should you ever become a zombie.

MALORIE

That’s sweet, Mike. Up until the zombie part. Actually, just before. The destroying my brain part by inserting this axe into my head. Sweet up till then.

MIKE

And I would expect you to do the same for me.

MALORIE

But only if you become a zombie, right?

MIKE

Or a vampire. But you would also need to put a stake in my heart and use the axe to remove my head. There are stakes in a shoebox on the high shelf in the hall closet. I was going to wait until your birthday to give you those.

MALORIE

On Buffy, it’s just a quick jab and the vampires disintegrate.

MIKE

Honey, that’s just a TV show.

MALORIE

You’re serious about all this.

MIKE

As serious as I could ever be. My great great grandmother, Josephina Finklestein, came back from the dead and my great great grandfather, Gilbert Finklestein, didn’t have the heart to take her down with a blow to the head. She ate him. Would have taken over the whole town if my great grandmother, Blanche Finklestein, hadn’t picked up an axe and started chopping off the heads of the living dead.

MALORIE

How do you know your Blanche Finklestein wasn’t just an axe-wielding serial killer?

MIIKE

That’s what the police said when they locked her up in the insane asylum. But he rest of my family knew better. And we’ve always taken this precaution with our loved ones.

MALORIE

Tell you what. Let’s put this away in the closet with the wooden stakes. It’s there if we ever need it. (She takes the axe and walks off stage to put it in the closet. From offstage we hear…) Oh, Mike! This is beautiful. (She walks back in holding silver candlesticks.) These candlesticks are beautiful. You are such a practical joker. You really had me going. These are the best anniversary gift ever. (She hugs him)

MIKE

Um, those are for making silver bullets.

(Blackout)