Week 36, Day 250 - "Detained"

“Detained”

Written by Joe Janes

9/25/09

250 of 365

CAST

John

Monty

Caroline

Principal Haversham

(Lights up on Caroline sitting alone in a classroom. There are other chairs around her, positioned uniformly. She looks agitated. John walks in. They exchange looks.)

CAROLINE

You, too?

JOHN

Yep. Good seeing you in the hallway this morning.

CAROLINE

You made me late.

JOHN

You were already late.

CAROLINE

You made me later.

(He sits. Monty enters and sits directly without looking at them.)

CAROLINE

You’re never in here.

MONTY

First time.

JOHN

My how the mighty has fallen.

MONTY

My mother’s going to kill me. It’s Taco Night.

CAROLINE

That’s sweet. Your mother makes you tacos.

MONTY

No. I take her out and I buy her tacos. She loves tacos. Taco Bell tacos. Won’t even think of trying any other kind. I hate her so.

JOHN

What are you in for, Caroline?

CAROLINE

What do you think? Tardy.

JOHN

Weren’t you in here last week for that?

CAROLINE

Yes.

JOHN

So, then you’re re-tardy. (He laughs and tries to get a high five from Monty who just stares at him.) I’m sorry, I meant re-mentally challenged. What horrible thing did you do, Monty? Color-coordinate the sugar packets in the cafeteria?

MONTY

That wasn’t a crime.

JOHN

Then what?

MONTY

Gum. Under my desk.

JOHN

Oh, big whoop.

MONTY

What did you do, John? Kill someone?

JOHN

Smoking in the little boys room. Haversham had a fit. Threatened to call the police.

CAROLINE

No way.

JOHN

Way. Way way. I had to beg to get detention. I’m not proud.

(Mr. Haverhsam, an imposing humorless figure stands in the doorway and clears his throat. Everyone stops talking and looks down. Haversham moves to a desk in front of them and sits down. He stares at them all quietly for as long as painfully possible. They steal looks at him and look back down at the floor.)

HAVERHSAM

I am disgusted. We spend the better part of the day trying to improve the minds and therefore the futures of the students here. This is a private school. Parents pay good money to send their children to us. And here we have three teachers unable to behave themselves. Miss Cass, you are so frequently late that your students run a pool to see how many minutes past the hour you will walk in the door. Mr. Winston won this morning.

CAROLINE (glaring at John)

That’s why you stopped me in the hall.

(John shrugs)

HAVERSHAM

Mr. Winston seems to think our institution is a pool hall and that laws about smoking don’t apply to him. And as filthy a habit as smoking is, there’s one I find even more disturbing. Gum chewing, Mr. Dufhoppel. Particularly when said gum is dispensed of under the edges of furniture. When I sat down at your desk to borrow a ruler, a Bubble Yum stalactite nearly punctured my thigh. I’m lucky I don’t need stitches. (He stares at them some more, this time more intently.) This isn’t public school so no more acting like it is. No more detentions for the three of you. One more infraction from any of you and you all three are fired.

MONTY

All three?

CAROLINE

That’s not fair. He made me late.

JOHN

Later.

HAVERSHAM

You need to stop your own selfish behavior and make sure the other two don’t mess up. No more gum, no more cigarettes, no more lateness. (He walks to the door.) Figure out whatever you need to figure out to make this work, or, if you’re a fool, take a chance that the others just won’t screw things up for you.

(He laughs and exits. The three all look at each other worried.)

CAROLINE

What are we going to do?

(John takes out a cigarette and lights up.)

JOHN

Fuck it. I hate my job.

(Monty takes out gum and pops it in his mouth.)

MONTY

My mother takes my paycheck anyway. She drove me to this.

(Caroline picks up her bag and heads to the door.)

JOHN

Too late, Caroline, you’re already on time, for once.

(John and Monty laugh. Caroline flips them off as she exits. John and Monty high five. John coughs on his smoke, Monty chokes on his gum. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 185 - "Turkey Fingers"

“Turkey Fingers”
Written by Joe Janes
7/22/09
185 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Nate, 8
Principal Mylie, 40s
Cop, 30s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber, an old-fashioned elementary school teacher in her 60s. Nicely dressed. Very lady like and friendly. She addresses the audience.)

MRS. GRUBER

Children, children, guess what? Nappy time’s over, children. Guess what time it is? Time for arts and crafts. Come on over here and get some paper and crayons. You only need one sheet of paper. Go ahead and sit on the floor. There you go. Everybody share, when you share, you care.

(People from the audience are encouraged to get up and help themselves to paper and crayons and sit on the floor. Of course, there’s lots of room for ad-libbing and calling students by name. One student among the audience is Nate, who joins them.)

NATE

I’m still sleepy Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Now, now, Nathaniel. That’s just the kool-aid talking. Be a good helper and pass out crayons and paper.

NATE

Okay.

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Don’t start drawing, yet. Wait until I give you directions, okay? Now, does anyone know what holiday is coming up? Anybody? It’s a holiday where you get to eat lots of really good yummy food that your mother makes for your family. Sometimes your grandmother helps out, usually by making a pumpkin pie. The men folk watch football on television. That’s right, Thanksgiving…. Now, then, everyone take your hand and place it on the paper with your fingers spread out real wide. Just like this… (She demonstrates) and trace your hand with one of your crayons… Very good. Try to stay close to your fingers…That’s good. Very good. Look at all the little artists…. Hold up your paper and take a look. What does it look like? You know what it looks like to me? A turkey! A naked turkey. Now, we don’t want the turkey to catch a cold, so we better put feathers on him. Use your crayons to make feathers for your turkey. Do a good job. If you do a good job, I’ll put your turkey on the “Good Job” wall…(As the children draw, Mrs. Gruber walks among them making comments and sharing fun facts about Thanksgiving)…

- Turkeys are a very important part of our national heritage. Does anyone know why? Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey our national bird instead of the eagle. Ben Franklin was stupid.
- Turkeys have feathers and wings but can’t fly. Do you k now why they can’t fly? Because they’re too fat. There’s a lesson there for some of you, isn’t there?
- Does anyone know what a turkey sounds like? Can you make the sound? Tom turkeys make that sound as a mating call. Does anyone know what that means, because you shouldn’t?
- At the first Thanksgiving, they didn’t have a lot of the things that we have at Thanksgiving. They didn’t have any bread, butter, milk, cheese or pumpkin pie. This is why the pilgrims grew to hate the Indians.
- Has anyone ever got the wishbone of the turkey on Thanksgiving? You did? What did you wish for? It’s actually a bone at the top of the turkey’s chest, so when you’re making a wish, it’s like you’re snapping its neck from the inside. Neat-o, hunh?
-
(Mrs. Gruber also picks up different drawings, criticizing them for being good or bad or wall worthy. Principal Mylie enters and stands in the back of the room.)

PRINCIPAL (calmly)

Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Principal Mylie. How nice of you to come visit us. Children, say hello to Principal Mylie.

PRINCIPAL

Hello, children. Mrs. Gruber, the police are outside.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, did they wish to speak to the children about safety? Could they come back tomorrow? Right now, we’re making turkeys. Would you like to make a turkey, Principal Mylie?

PRINICPAL

No. Thank you. Mrs. Gruber, if I don’t come out in a few minutes. They’re going to come in and I can’t be responsible for what they might do to you.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, my, that sounds serious.

PRINICPAL

You can’t just show up at the school and take children away in your station wagon.

MRS. GRUBER

You mean The Learning Mobile. Wasn’t riding in The Learning Mobile fun kids.

NATE

The fumes made me sleepy.

MRS. GRUBER

No, dear. That was the kool-aid.

PRINCIPAL

Mrs. Gruber. Phyllis. The children need to get out of your basement and come back to school. Their parents are worried.

MRS. GRUBER

The kids are safe here. They just woke up from their sleepy time nap and now we’re learning about Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL

Phyllis. You’re not a teacher anymore. You retired last year.

MRS. GRUBER

But, I didn’t retire.

PRINICPAL

Not willingly, no. You were retired. By the school board. Look, you really need to let the kids go or the police-

COP (Off, on a bullhorn)

Mrs. Gruber. This is the police. Let the children come out before we come in.

MRS. GRUBER

Children! Back to your seats! Quick! Quick!

(Mrs. Gruber turns out the lights as the kids scramble back to their seats. We hear sounds of a police SWAT team breaking down a door and storming the basement. They have lasers and flashlights on their rifles.)

MRS. GRUBER

My country tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of thee I sing- Sing with me children! –

COP

Taser her! Taser her!

MRS. GRUBER (while being tasered)

Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From every mountainside, let freedom ring!!!

(We hear an electric shock. Blackout.)

Week 25, Day 169 - "Twi-Lite"

“Twi-Lite”
Written by Joe Janes
7/6/09
169 of 365

CAST
Edward, 13
Emily, 13
Bella, 13
Mrs. Cullen, 40s


(Lights up on Edward, a pale, slightly overweight 13-year-old sitting on a swing in the school playground. He looks as though his mother dressed him. His beat-up Spiderman backpack is at his feet. He is squinting at the sun. Off to the side and behind, Bella and Emily appear. They have been watching him. Emily is carrying one of the Twilight vampire books. Emily whispers into Bella’s ear and they giggle.)

BELLA

Are you sure?

EMILY

He has to be, Emily. He’s new, he’s a stranger, and he’s mysterious.

(Edward picks his nose and wipes it on his sweater under his arm.)

BELLA

He’s such a savage.

EMILY

See? Only a bloodthirsty animal would do that. Go talk to him.

(Emily pushes Bella. Bella turns to Emily and shoo’s her away. Emily exits.)

BELLA

Hey, new boy.

EDWARD

Hey.

BELLA

My name’s Bella. It’s not my real name. My real name is Sarah, but I don’t like it. I make people call me Bella. What’s your name?

EDWARD

Edward.

BELLA

Edward,really? I just knew it. You’re all shiny.

EDWARD

It’s hot out here. My mom makes me wear a sweater.

(Bella sits in the swing next to him.)

BELLA

You moved here with your family? Do you do that a lot? Move from town-to-town? So people can’t hunt you down?

EDWARD

I have special needs.

BELLA

Oh, so, do I, Edward.

EDWARD

Really? I didn’t see you in the special needs class.

BELLA

Edward. I know who you are. I know what you are. (She stands.) I want you to turn me.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He stands and faces her. He places his hands on her shoulders; she closes her eyes, and then, turns her so she is facing the other way. He sits back down. She opens her eyes.)

BELLA

Hey! You’re toying with my affections. Aren’t I good enough for you? Don’t you think I’m pretty? Oh, of course. I see. You’re fighting your urges. You don’t want to be a monster. (She kneels down and takes his hands.) It’s okay, Edward. I want this. I want to be one of you.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He opens up his backpack and hands her a safety helmet.)

EDWARD

Put this on. I’m supposed to wear it all the time, but it makes me feel stupid. If you wear one, I won’t feel so bad.

(They both put on the helmets.)

BELLA

I didn’t know about this part, but it makes sense. You run and jump so fast.

EDWARD

That’s what my mom says.

BELLA

Now will you bite me?

EDWARD

Okay.

(Edward bites her arm.)

BELLA

OW! Hey, that hurt!

EDWARD

Because I bit you.

BELLA

You’re supposed to hypnotize me first.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He makes a wavy motion with his hand. Bella responds like she’s a little faint. She closes her eyes.)

BELLA

I can feel it. Now, bite me.

(Edward looks at her and isn’t sure where to bite her. He gets down on all fours and bites her leg.)

BELLA (jumping away)

Ow! That freakin’ hurts! What’s wrong with you?

(Mrs. Cullen, Edward’s mom enters.)

MRS. CULLEN

Edward! What were you doing?

EDWARD (runs to his mom)

Mom!

MRS. CULLEN

What were you doing to this poor girl?

EDWARD

She wanted me to bite her.

MRS. CULLEN

Not again.

BELLA

So he is a vampire.

MRS. CULLEN

No, he’s not. But every teenage girl who’s read Twilight thinks he is.

BELLA

But he’s pale, and he’s shiny in the daylight, and he’s broody. Speaks very few words. And he bit me, twice.

MRS. CULLEN

He’s not a vampire. He’s mentally challenged.

BELLA

He’s a retard?

MRS. CULLEN

If that’s what you want to call it. Looks like he’s turned you into one, too.

(Bella takes off the helmet and throws it on the ground.)

BELLA

He can’t do that, can he?

MRS. CULLEN

Oh, sure. It’s like getting rabies. Better stay away from him, but, judging from your shiny forehead, it might be too late.

(Bella wipes seat off her brow.)

BELLA

Oh, no. Oh, no! Emily! Emily! He’s turned me into a retard!

(She runs off.)

EMILY (off)

Ew, stay away from me!

EDWARD

Are we going to have to move, again?

MRS. CULLEN

I don’t think so, Eddie. Just don’t bite people because they ask you to.

EDWARD

Okay. I love you, Mom.

MRS. CULLEN

I love you, too. Let’s go find some rats to feed on.

EDWARD (clapping hands)

Yay! Rats!

(Blackout)

Week 20, Day 135 - “Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”

“Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”
Written by Joe Janes
6/2/09
135 of 365

CAST
Kent, 30s
Roger, 20s
Margaret, 30s

(Lights up on Kent looking out towards the audience. He looks tired. He squats down and opens up a small canvas sack. Roger, younger, but also exhausted, approaches.)

ROGER

It’s quiet out there.

KENT

Yeah. Too quiet.

(Kent pulls out a pouch of chewing tobacco and puts a wad in his mouth. Roger takes out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth and strikes a match. Kent hears the match and quickly grabs Roger, dragging him down to the floor.)

ROGER

Hey! Are you crazy?

KENT

No, are you stupid? They might see the flame or the smoke. Or smell it.

ROGER

Yeah. Okay. I wasn’t thinking.

KENT

No. You weren’t. Here. Have some chew.

ROGER

Thanks.

(Roger takes some, but clearly doesn’t enjoy it.)

ROGER

See anything out there?

KENT

No. Not for half an hour or so.

ROGER

Maybe it’s safe.

KENT

It’s never safe. Bobby Litchfield thought it was safe. Bobby Litchfield is just meat in a can, now. Like Spam. Spam with a bullet hole. Buried in the dirt. It’s never safe. This your first teaching job?

ROGER

Yeah. They should give us guns.

KENT

Good idea, until a student knocks you flat on your ass, takes it from you and blows a third nostril into your skull.

ROGER

Jesus, they’re just junior high school kids.

KENT

The worst. Blood thirsty little bastards. You ever look in their eyes?

ROGER

Yeah. Soulless.

KENT

That’s right.

(Margaret bursts in and joins them on the floor.)

KENT

Where have you been?

MARGARET

Broke into the nurse’s office to check the back of the building. Here. I brought lollipops.

(She hands them each one. Kent stashes his in his bag. Roger unwraps his and tries to have it and his tobacco together.)

KENT

Pick up any intel?

MARGARET

Detention hall emptied ten minutes ago. Parking lot’s clear. I think we’ve passed the threshold.

ROGER

The threshold?

KENT

The time of day where they are more likely to shoot one another than a teacher.

MARGARET

We can probably make it to our cars. How’s that taste?

ROGER

Like cherry-flavored beef jerky. Aw, man, I rode my bike!

MARGARET

Are you crazy?

ROGER

No. Just stupid.

MARGARET

A bike. You may as well charge them fifty cents to take shots at you. You’re a shooting gallery on wheels.

KENT

Listen up, Rookie. You ride your bike home and you may as well have a “Kill Me” sign taped to your back. Should make you stay here the night to learn your lesson.

ROGER

I can’t stay here. I can’t sleep here. I need my earplugs.

MARGARET

I’ll give you a ride. I’m a sucker for pathetic cases.

KENT

Guess it pays to be pathetic.

MARGARET

It’s just a ride, Kent. Let’s go, kid.

ROGER

My name’s Roger.

MARGARET

What do you teach?

ROGER

Geography.

MARGARET

Well, let’s see if your ass can find its way to my car in one piece. You coming?

KENT

You go ahead. I’ll keep on eye on you from here.

ROGER

Thanks, Kent. Thanks for all the advice.

KENT

Don’t worry, Roger. You’ll be all right. The first day’s always the toughest.

(Margaret and Roger exit. Kent takes another wad of chew and looks out. He tries it with a lollipop and decides he likes it. Lights fade.)

Week Eight, Day 55 - “Happy Ending”

“Happy Ending”
Written by Joe Janes
3/14/09
55 of 365

CAST:
Miss Dugan, 30s

(Lights up on Miss Dugan, a young schoolteacher, seated in a small chair for children. She has a storybook in her hands. To her right and back is her desk.)

MISS DUGAN

Does everyone have their juice and cookies? Yes? Yes... Good. Everyone have a seat on your mat and we’ll have story time. Would you like me to tell you a story? Yes? Yes? ... Good. This is the story of “The Fairy Princess”… Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess… She lived in a castle with her mother, but they were all alone. She hoped one day to meet the handsome prince who lived in a bigger castle on the hill… (Her cell phone rings. She looks at the ID.) I am so sorry children, but Miss Dugan has to get this. It’s a very important telephone call… (She answers) Hello?... Yes. This is Marilyn Dugan…You have the results?… You’re sure?...Really? 100%?...I don’t think there’s a reason to go to a thousand percent; I understand that you are certain…Okay, then… Yes, indeedee, congratulations…thank you. (She hangs up and is quiet for a moment)… Oh, my, Miss Dugan forgot her juice…Can’t do story time without my juice…my potato juice…(She goes back to her desk, opens the bottom drawer, and pours vodka into a coffee cup. She takes a replenishing sip. Pours more vodka into the cup and returns to her seat.) Enjoy life while you can, kids, while you’re in those single digits… (She takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up) Now, kids, what I am doing is bad. Smoking is bad, right? Don’t let me catch any of you smoking. It’s especially bad for mommies. Anybody have a little sister or little brother? Did your mommy get a really big fat belly? When mommies are fat is when smoking is really bad for them. Potato juice, too, but you know, everything in moderation. I still have some time before it does any serious damage… Ha, it’s vodka that got me into this mess. You’re not going to find the answer to life’s problem at the bottom of a juice box, Melvin…Miss Dugan met a prince, boys and girls… (sarcastically) a real Prince… Want to know what his name is? Yes? Yes...His name is Rick. What kind of name is Rick for a prince? Prince Rick. Can you think of any words that rhyme with Rick? …Crick... Chick. Like baby chick… Brick…Kick…Trick’s a good one…Prick… all very good boys and girls. All very good. Thick… there’s another one. You remember how Cinderella lost her glass slipper? Well, one time, Prince Rick lost his latex slipper…But he was very “slick” in making me, his gullible wannabe princess, believe that everything would be all right just as long as he pulled his pumpkin carriage out of the enchanted garage in time… And the very next day, Rick stopped calling…”Dick” – that’s another one. Miss Dugan doesn’t see Rick again until a week later when she sees him probing the esophagus of some bar slut’s throat with his tongue in a booth in the back of the Bennigan’s Miss Dugan sometimes goes to after school. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl …Oh, sorry, where’s my mind? (She stomps out the cigarette on the floor). Let’s finish the story…(She starts flipping through the pages) Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit, and they live happily ever after. Bullshit. Now, drink your juice.

(She sips her vodka. Blackout)