I Believe...

...that, for a news junkie, I'm exhausted! Most draining is seeing how much pain and suffering is caused for the sake of increasing a profit margin - shoddy nuclear reactors, oil spills, etc. I may have to take a news break and just watch Comedy Central Celebrity Roasts all day.

...that, the Bible is an interesting work of literature wide open to interpretation possibly as an exercise in exploring faith. I'm cool with Jesus, but, dude, can you pull some of your peeps aside and tell them not to use the Bible to bolster their arguments against the things they are prejudiced against? Or, you know, just send a bolt of lightning Victoria Jackson's direction? We'll look the other way.

...that governments need to learn and grow as much as people need to learn and grow and cutting funds to education, arts and information is a great way to keep the light off.

...that your comedy sketch does not have to end on a laugh. I'd rather it ended in a way that makes sense than a joke that thwarts or has nothing to do with everything else leading up to it.

...that if you're going to do a podcast, do it the way Wood Sugars does. They care about quality and put a lot of time and energy into making sure their product is listenable, watchable and entertaining. Check out the interview/variety show they did with Ted Tremper and check out their first guest on the all-video Dates with Ever. He showed up thinking it was going to be all audio, thus the ball cap, 10 o'clock shadow, and funky body odor smell coming from your computer monitor.

I Believe...

...that if you "save" your spot on the street after shoveling out your car, you are a douchebag. Parking on the street is free for everyone. You have no legal right to block a parking space with your crappy folding chair. Digging out your car is just part of the deal. You don't get special entitlement because you did some work.

...that if you have 10-15 million dollars to spend on Super Bowl advertising, you might want to make sure the message in your thirty-second spot isn't "Hey, we're assholes."

...that a key component to collaboration is COMMUNICATION.

...that, apparently, "liberal media" means journalists who use facts to back up their opinions.

...that I will miss Joyce Sloan and her cranberry-orange relish in a mason jar.

I Believe...

... that's there's nothing more disconcerting than waking up to helicopters flying over your neighborhood.

...that when JFK said we would put a man on the moon, he only gave us a ten-year deadline and we did it ahead of time. When presidents make huge goals, today, they tend to put it way out in the future and make it business-friendly. As Obama said...

"I challenge you to join me in setting a new goal: By 2035, 80 percent of America's electricity will come from clean energy sources. Some folks want wind and solar. Others want nuclear, clean coal and natural gas (my note: I guess that's the 20% dirty energy). To meet this goal, we will need them all."

80% clean energy in 24 years? That's really setting the bar high, Barack. The future is LATER! In 24 years, who's going to be tending to that goal and keeping it alive? In 24 years, I'll be in a nursing home tooling around in my coal-powered wheel chair. 100% clean energy in ten years or less would put a fire under people's asses. A clean-burning wind-powered fire.

...that you are never too old to learn and grow. I love taking classes and teaching new classes. Beats the alternative - sticking to only what I know. That's a weak arsenal.

...that we spend too much on defense and we should be looking at cutting all the ways we kill other people versus outright killing our own people with cuts in social security and medicare/aid. And more money needs to be spent on education. Our kids are getting the shaft which means we are, too.

...that Michele Bachman is so clearly a nutbag it is astounding that people actually listen to what she says and continue to elect her to office. I am flabbergasted and have no real insightful or witty thing to say about it. It makes me angry and sad that people like this get elevated to positions of power in this country.

(The image above is a painting of Michele Bachman with a pancake on her head by the brilliant artist Dan Lacy, painter of pancakes.)

I Believe...

...that if you're going to die, having friends from Second City conduct your memorial service is really the best way to go. I've known Mary Scruggs for over a dozen years. She has always been, for me and students, nothing short of encouraging and supportive. If you had the pleasure of knowing Mary, she had your back.

...that a standing ovation for a Sketchfest show is quite possibly better than the stated agenda in the title of the show. Plus, I got two really fantastic kisses.

...that I love teaching, but having two part-time teaching gigs with no guarantee of classes makes me feel like the administrators want me to consider it more of a hobby that brings in extra income than a way to make a living. Too bad.

...that the GOP has no street cred with their bid to end "government-run" healthcare until they give up their own "government-run" healthcare.

...that whenever I think I'm done with relationships or writing or acting, something comes along like doing a few shows at Sketchfest that make me realize there might still be some magic left in these old bones. And that I definitely have some great funny, creative friends that I am lucky to collaborate with.

...that if you missed any of the shows I worked with at Sketchfest, you missed a massive amount of fun. You missed...

- Babe the Blue Ox doing a solo on the harmonica
- a Scientologist getting punched in the face
- a man in a tutu singing to children about how all their dreams could possibly come true, but it's not probable
- Nazis overtaking the Robot vs. Dinosaur show. Their leader being Skyped in from his lair in Miami. RvD doing hand-to-hand combat with 24 minions, escaping in a hot air balloon and then being shot down by a zeppelin. Heil, Greg!
- Don Hall and I stripping down to our boxer briefs
- Us also doing a dance choreographed by Erica Reid to The Detroit Cobra's "Cha Cha Twist" dressed as Kirk and Spock
- Me singing a solo and destroying a keytar
- Me living my dreams as a "Sketch" Man and having beautiful women like Erin Orr and Dana Black throwing themselves at me
- Vinnie Lacey, Don Hall and me being ridden like horses
- Me having a romantic date with an audience member

I Believe...

...that we live in an amazing age where information is available to us, as well as constantly thrown at us. But if we just take it at face value and don't apply our brain folds to it and question it, then we're effing up the opportunity.

...that people who call for others to take up arms and exercise the second amendment lose the right to be appalled when someone does it.

...that there is no one person to blame. It's our world. We live in it. We're responsible. Effective change begins with the person who is sitting in your underwear. Assuming it is you. And you didn't go commando today.



...that birds falling from the sky and fish washing up on shore en masse are canaries in a coal mine.

...that Chicago has a staggering amount of creative talent. We live in a performing arts paradise. If you're not getting out and seeing theater, sketch comedy, improv, stand-up or music at least once a week, you're missing the party. And your brain is probably shrinking.

I Believe...

...that if you aren't doing what you love, then what are you doing? I sometimes have a bone to pick with Sir Paul McCartney. He's done enough, already. Really, he has. Yet he keeps on going and keeps on producing work not even close to being on a par with his less-than-stellar work. But I can't fault him for doing what he loves until he absolutely cannot do it any more. If you don't think I'll be putting on sketch revues at the senior center, you would be mistaken. The name of my comedy group will be "It's In The Bag." We will perform on Wednesday afternoons after Arts and Crafts hour (we have to make our props). Complimentary Jell-O shots will be served (lime Jell-O with Metamucil). And all our object work will be vague and shaky.

...that managing to avoid the mainstream movie releases and seeking out really good movies is a great way to spend Christmas. The Fockers can Fock off.

...that friends are family. And if you have a few family members that are friends, bonus points.

...that I don't believe in any religious dogma. The only thing I believe in is karma, what-goes-around-comes-around and practicing the Golden Rule. Justice gets served somehow. Even if we think someone has gotten away with something (see previous administration), karma will kick in somewhere somehow, even if it's in their sleep. I believe people fundamentally do know the difference between right and wrong and when they willfully wrong others for the sake of greed or any other self-service, it will eat away at them. Not as gratifying, but I believe it to be true.

...that there's something to be said for sticking close to home for the holidays. I saved a lot of money, been able to work out more, have been rewatching Firefly and have been majorly chilling out. I miss Ohio and seeing family and old friends, but this is the first time I can recall my holiday break feeling like a break!

I Believe...

...that John McCain has reached full-fledged cranky old man status. I envision him between sessions sitting in a lawn chair on the capital steps shouting at hippies to go get haircuts.

...that creative collaboration is fun because it leads everyone to ideas we would never reach on our own. It also means leaving your ego at the door or you're in for a bumpy ride.

...that, no matter how much we try to stress it's not about money, the holidays are about money. It's money that determines what presents you buy, if any and where you go, if anywhere. But, of course, Christ was born in poverty, so maybe more of us are truly celebrating in the right spirit, whether we like it or not.

...that the best way to become more creative is to keep painting oneself into creative corners.

I Believe...

...that sometimes it takes someone from another country to remind you how cool America is and how great it is to live in Chicago, even this time of year. It's sort of like family. When you're too familiar, you tend to focus too much on what you don't like versus the good stuff.

...that if you're going to lie about missing class, make sure your Facebook updates don't say you were at a bar in Wrigleyville cheering on the Bears when your e-mail says you were downstate at your grandfather's funeral.

...that the only people benefiting from Trickle Down Economics are heirs.

...that laughing with a group of friends is probably the best kind of laughing.

...that it's okay to get angry, even at the little things, but it's not worth the wear and tear on the soul to hang on to that anger.

I Believe...

...that we tend to hope for the best, assume the worst and watch a lot of movies and television to avoid thinking of either.

...that holidays seem to be more about getting time off and partying than actually meditating on the meaning of the holidays. When scheduling around your impending hangover becomes an issue...

...that for someone who is non-salaried, the holidays can mean less work, thus less money at a time when spending more money is expected. Not much of a holiday.

...that for improvisation to be successful, one needs to be emotionally invested in an outcome.

...that President Obama has jumped the shark in trying to appease the GOP by extending the Bush Tax rates, but what he doesn't realize is that republicans still aren't going to be fans of his show. And current fans are going to stop caring.

...that the reason I look a gift horse in the mouth is because I'm not tall enough to look the horse in the eye.

I Believe...

...that creativity is risk.

...that one can be a brilliant improviser and also be a lousy actor, but if one is a brilliant actor, there's hope of becoming a brilliant improviser. And both have the same job - to play make believe.

...that WikiLeaks is doing the job investigative journalist should be doing. Why aren't journalists doing their job? Because the general public is more interested in Lindsay Lohan and TSA gropes.

...that being a teacher and being a performer puts one in a position of responsibility to set examples. Doesn't mean doing everything right, but getting it right when you get do things wrong.

...that a fun part of teaching is turning students on to stuff they haven't had any exposure to. I had a great time this week sharing Old Time Radio, specifically Fibber McGee and Molly, with students from my Comedy Workshop class. And they got to perform an original radio script live for an audience. Very cool.

I Believe...Thanksgiving Edition

...that the act of being thankful - for what you have and for the potential of future good - is essential to weathering the times when you feel the least blessed. (This is from AWG's blog. Not changing it. It's perfect.)

...that Christmas formally starts the day after Thanksgiving, even though Walgreen's started putting stuff out on shelves Halloween weekend. Every year, Christmas seems to push it's way in earlier like some asshole who holds up the door of a crowded elevator or CTA train to smash their way in to share with us their unwelcome fruitcake-scented armpits and holiday music blasting cellphone.

...that holidays are a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong. I love Thanksgiving. Christmas, too. But times to be thankful and giving are every day of the year.

...that Thanksgiving is a time to take full stock in what and who one is grateful for in one's life and then to stab a turkey on a dining room altar in sacrifice to the gods.

...being a vegetarian means I usually have to BYOT(oFurkey) for Thanksgiving. I don't mind. I love to cook. But this year, I'm going to order my food. Check out this menu...

Thanksgiving Meal $20

Pomegranate Glazed Tofu
Mac n Cheese
Smashed Potatoes & Gravy
Stuffing
Greens
Roasted Brussel Sprouts
Dinner rolls w/ rosemary butter
Slice of pie: you’re choice of pecan or chocolate silk
Meal orders must be in by 5pm, Weds, Nov 24th

...that I have never heard a Justin Bieber song, could not name the title to a Justin Bieber song, yet, I know who he is. And the song I woke up to in my head was about Justin Bieber fucking his own face. Thanks, Comedy Workshop. Great show yesterday!

I Believe...

...that, if you're feeling like your life is getting out of control, you should take one hour and go get some coffee and grade some papers and do some reading while someone else cleans your apartment. It's awesome. It's worth the money because they'll do such a better job than I will. Leave it to the professionals.

...that no one's story is completely his or hers to tell. That's why you change the names when you steal.

...that Greg Wendling cracks me up. He co-wrote this piece for a customized show. My favorite is the corporate motto, "The Earth Has A Lot To Give. Let's Take It."



...that I like getting up early, getting some stuff done, and then taking a little nap before I have to be anywhere. That's productivity, baby!

...that when the zombie apocalypse comes, it will be from genetically modified food. Companies like Monsanto are doing so much freaky stuff to our food, unchecked by government regulations, that it is frightening. Splicing animal DNA into tomatoes, copyrighting corn, etc, all to make "natural" food last longer. We eat this stuff? We might die, but our toxin-loaded meat sticks will live on. BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

I Believe...

...that if you have little messes around you at home, you'll have little messes around you in other areas of your life. I have coffee stains and a discarded apple core on my career.

...that the Tea Party is not as popular as we might think. That they're popular at all is frightening enough, but there's a reason we think they're bigger than they are. If you had a news crew, are you going to point them at the rational, level-headed politician or at the candidate proselytizing fear and being followed by angry imbeciles wearing tri-hats with tea bags and holding signs with pictures of Obama with a Hitler mustache and claiming he's a "tyrint"?

...that there's a mystery to the universe and I don't know if it's all a soupy accident, God, Buddha, Yahweh, or some snarky old dude named Burt behind a curtain somewhere. It's not about getting or having the answers. It's about living in the right questions. And if someone claims to be quoting God, they don't know shit.

...that when people stop growing and learning and playing, they start growing old. And start making poor fashion choices.

...that Guinness is the cigar of beers. One pint once in awhile is fine. I prefer IPAs. They're tarty.

I Believe...

...that there's a rush to being so into someone that you physically ache when they are not around, that you seem to only think about the next time you'll see them and you're totally willing to spend money better spent elsewhere and forgo the sleep that you need because you just can't shake that person. Is it love? Remember, you said the same things about cigarettes.

...that sleep happens.

...that there's an opportunity this election year to tell the gluttonously rich "less government is better -for us" CEOs that the millions and millions and MILLIONS of dollars they're pouring into campaigns to tell me I was better off under Bush and they can get the country back on track (we're off track?) to fuck off. This country is not for sale...anymore.

Edith Bunker: This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris.
Archie Bunker: Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout?

...that if a character says something inflammatory in a film or play or television show it is not necessarily an endorsement of that sentiment. Referring specifically to the flack Vince Vaughn is getting for his character in the film The Dilemma saying "That's gay." For one thing, the comment is being taken out of context. If you haven't seen the movie, and I haven't, you don't know how that comment reflects on his character or society. I am not defending the derogatory use of the word "gay." I am saying, in context, in comedy, in telling a story, it may be appropriate and actually highlight why not to use it in such a way. For examples, watch the first few seasons of All In The Family. It is brilliant satire that uses a bigot as its main character to highlight the ignorance of bigotry. Archie Bunker would not be allowed to exist on television in today's world.

...that we tell each other stories to help us live a better life and some of our best story tellers aren't doing hit TV shows or blockbuster movies or anything on Broadway or best-selling novels. They're in comic books, cable, Netflix, storefront theaters, independent book stores and bars.

I Believe...

...that to be able to forgive oneself is empowering. To be able to forgive another is freeing. But just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to fuck 'em.

...gays being denied marriage and military service (hopefully over), 50 million people still uninsured post-healthcare reform, stalling benefits for the unemployed, blocking jobs programs, kicking people out of their homes before doing everything possible to keep them in their homes, putting corporations before people... Everybody counts, America. It's the land of opportunity, not the land of "go fuck yourself." Act like it.

...that "fiscal conservative" is an oxymoron.

...that the GOP is trying to buy the election with massive amounts of money being poured into election campaigns from foreign and domestic corporations and billionaires. My vote is not for sale. However, I will entertain offers.

...that you only have two more weekends to see Robot vs. Dinosaur's The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton under the Direction of The Great Sea Serpent. See it before it's gone forever. The show rocks. It's funny. The music is great. And it has a sea serpent!

I Believe...

...that people just want to belong. We want to feel like we belong to our family, our work, our groups or clubs. We all want to be affirmed and validated. If we don't find it one place, we look for it somewhere else. I think that's why improv is so popular. Of course, you belong. Everyone belongs. Except for that one douchebag who tries too hard to be funny and keeps walking through my object work.

...that being pissed off and not saying anything only means you're going to say it later - to that person or to an innocent by-stander - and you will probably sound like a crazy person.

...that things don't always go the way you want them to, but they usually go the way you think they will.

...that all there is, really, is the here and now. The future doesn't exist and the past has expired. It's only in this present moment that you really have any power to affect anything.

...that I'm not really sure why we do anything ever at any time. What difference does it make? We're all going to die. Things are getting worse. People are greedy and stupid and ruin things for everyone else. People are dying every second from starvation, exposure, lack of healthcare, violence... Piranha 3D looks really cool, though!

I Believe...

(By Jimmy Margulies, New Jersey Record, Cagle Cartoons)

... that 1) It's not a mosque. 2) It's not at Ground Zero or can be seen from there. 3) Islam is a religion, not a terrorist organization. Seriously, there's more evidence for Catholics or Scientologists being terrorists than there is Islamics.

... that the issue of building a "mosque" at Ground Zero has nothing to do with principles or even appropriateness. It's a dog and pony show the GOP wants to parade about so people don't focus on the serious issues of jobs and economy and realize that the elephant crowd are the ones who screwed up in the first place. It's this decade's version of flag burning. In the 90s, around the mid-election of Clinton's first term, flag burning was ballooned into a non-issue by the GOP. They let you know they were adamantly opposed to it and even wanted to add a constitutional amendment banning it. They made you think people were out there building Old Glory bonfires when there was no issue at all. No one (in America) was burning the flag. This forced democrats into the position of defending free speech, ergo, defending flag burning. The GOP wants democrats out there defending building mosques in your neighborhood because it really, really scares the white people into voting republican. (Oh, and don't burn the stars and stripes. Unless its made in China. Which is almost all of them.)

... even though Rod Blagovahoghichch was found guilty on only one count out of 24, it's still a good thing he was knocked out of office. It prevented him from selling the bleepin' golden senate seat, screwing over a children's hospital and, hopefully, making more appearances on The View.

... that summer refuses to go out with a whimper. There's another 365 event this Saturday at 7pm at Quimby's bookstore in Wicker Park. It's free. Join me and some great Chicago comedy actors: Kevin Gladish, Chloé Ditzel, Bernie Balbot and Heath Cordts. They'll be performing monologues from 365 and I'll be reading one or two. Out loud.

... that Chicago theater gives artists the opportunity to try whatever the hell they want. This weekend features probably the most concentrated fringe festival in the world. 72 straight hours of off-the-wall theater at Mary-Arrchie's Abbiefest in Lakeview. And it's cheap. Day passes are $10, full weekend passes are $25. Swing by after Quimby's and stay as long as you can. My new gory comic one-act Creepy That Way will premiere after midnight.

... that I love teaching summer workshops at Second City. People come from all over the world to take these classes. This week, I have three students from Ireland and another student from Norway who I want to marry so I can move to Norway and take advantage of their excellent healthcare.

I Believe...

...that if you don't work out, your body breaks down. If you don't watch what you eat, your body breaks down. If you don't work out your brain and feed it good stuff, it also breaks down and you're more likely to believe anything your TV or computer says.

...that I love working with people who are in their 20s. They are full of enthusiasm, creativity and vision and hungry to work and play. They remind me that that doesn't have to change as you get older.

...that "pride in America is like loving that kid of yours who is morbidly obese, huffs paint fumes out of a paper bag, steals Doritos from the 7-11 and beats up on the black and Mexican kids in the neighborhood for no actual reason. You have to find some sort of love for that kid because he's your kid and you made him." (This is verbatim what Don Hall wrote on his blog and I couldn't have said it better.)

...that dating at my age is sometimes fun and mostly frustrating. Part of it is that I don't look my age and women my age do. (I know, I'm going to hell). I'm also dragging around a few past relationships where I invested a lot of time, energy, emotion and commitment only to get screwed over. Relationships are hard. They have their moments of being a blast and their moments of being rough. If I get into another relationship - and I'm totally cool if I don't - it's going to be with someone who's not going to jump off the roller coaster when they discover it goes down as well as up.

...that we have way too many sources for just about everything, particularly when it comes to news and entertainment. Which is why it's hard to distinguish between the two. They're both screaming for attention. Also why most people know more about Lindsay Lohan than they do Afghanistan or the party of "No!" Clearly, every legitimate news article needs to feature an attractive woman in her underwear.

I Believe...

...that I will never understand how most criminals straight up go to prison when caught, but if you have enough money, you'll just be forced to retire with a million-dollar golden parachute. Today's thugs need to trade in their hand guns for neck ties.

...that granted, Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground" kicks ass, but Klaus Voorman gets my Chase vote for his burning bass in Harry Nilsson's "Jump Into The Fire." Crank it up.



...that the best part of what I do in my life is take what's silly very, very seriously. This is Nat Topping as The Great Sea Serpent in "The Saga of the Viking Women" lamenting about how it's not easy being said serpent. It's a beautiful song composed by Nat and it just may bring a tear to your gill.



...that I'd rather support your theater company by seeing your work and I'd rather see evidence of your support of my work by seeing you in the audience.

I Believe...

...that I tend to avoid major events in the city because I hate dealing with crowds (read: idiots), especially in the heat. However, if you can pocket yourself in with a cool group of friends, fireworks along the lake are worth it and you have someone with whom to mock the boneheads.

...that not returning e-mails and phone calls isn't a gender thing.

...that I can buy hot dog eating as a sport. One must train and prepare. You can't just show up and expect to wolf down 60+ wieners in ten minutes. Hunting, fishing and bull fighting are not sports. When your opponent is an unwilling participant, it's not a sport. It's a gladiator event. Or a date.

...that, I get it, you made fireworks all by yourself or you took a trip to Indiana and bought some from Three-fingered Larry. Leave it to the professionals. They do it better and will save you an annual visit to the emergency room.

...that I love farmer's markets, but I really think the "farmers" should stick with food that was, at least, homemade and somewhat healthy. Candles, jewelry, artwork, take a hike. It's a farmer's market, not a flea market.

(In case you didn't know, my Wednesday "I Believe's" are always in response to my friend, Don Hall's, "I Believe's". Check them out by clicking HERE.)