Week Seven, Day Forty-Five - "Puzzle Night, Part 3"

“Puzzle Night, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
3/4/09
45 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s


(Lights up on Marta, Chip and Vernon in bed. Chip in the middle. If possible, the blanket they are under has jigsaw pieces littered all over it. There is a “tent” made from Marta still wearing her strap-on. Chip looks exhausted, but elated.)

CHIP

That was amazing. That was like making love to a Hallmark card. And The Reader’s Digest. And a mound of scalloped potatoes. All rolled in to one.

VERNON

Fun being a grown-up, ay, Champ?

CHIP

It sure is, Vernon.

MARTA

We did stuff they don’t teach you in college.

CHIP

Boy, is that the truth. Still, I’d really like it if my parents didn’t find out about this.

VERNON

I think your pop would be proud, Chip.

MARTA

I know he would be. So would your mother.

CHIP

Nevertheless, I still think I’d rather this be our little secret.

VERNON

Wasn’t nothing little about it (indicating Marta’s tent.)

MARTA

Our secret. Your parents already know.

CHIP

H-how?

VERNON (pointing downstage)

Who do you think’s on the other end of that web camera?

MARTA

Everybody wave.

(They do. Even Chip, hesitantly mouthing “Hi, Mom.” Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Seven -"NPR, Part 3"

“NPR, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
2/14/09
27 of 365

CAST:
Carl Kasell

CARL KASELL

Hello, I’m Carl Kasell. News anchor for NPR’s Morning Edition and co-host of Wait, Wait …Don’t Tell Me with Peter Sagal. I have a very urgent message for you about how important listening to NPR is to your life. This is your brain - (whispers) – I’m holding an egg – And this is your brain when you don’t listen to NPR - (whispers) – I’m holding a skillet. Nothing’s happening because without NPR, you don’t even know how to cook an egg. NPR ignites your thirst for knowledge and nourishes your hunger for information. Without it, your IQ drops like a senator’s pants at intern orientation. Without NPR, your intelligence is on the scale somewhere between a single cell organism and a morning zoo dj sidekick. Without NPR, all there is to listen to on the radio is another dance mix carbon copy of a Britney Spears or the blatherings of a pharmaceutically fueled Rush Limbaughphite. Your intellectual curiosity would be forcibly induced into a coma. Fight to keep your brain sharp. Give to this NPR station. Now, the cast of “Wait, Wait” and I are going to eat this egg, because that’s all craft services will provide without your contribution. (We hear the sound of the egg cracking and sizzling in the pan and then scuffling). Get back! Get back, I say! (We hear the bonking sound of a skillet upon skull and someone falling). Oh, no. Peter! Peter! …. Crap. Someone call Richard Roeper.