Written by Joe Janes
5/29/09
131 of 365
CAST:
Albert, 20s
eShave, 60s
Chick Girl, 20s
Dan, 30s
Meegan, 30s
Otto, 30s
Chex, 20s
(Lights up on Albert, a young man in a conservative suit sitting alone in the back of a stretch limousine. The car door opens and we hear screaming fans as eShave, in shades, leather jacket and tight pants enters, followed by Chick Girl, Dan, the official photographer, Meegan, the manager and Otto, the bodyguard. Chex, the limo driver, closes the passenger door and takes his place behind the wheel and takes off. eShave makes out with Chick Girl. Dan takes a lot of pictures, but only of eShave.)
MEEGAN
That was a great show eShave.DAN
Yeah, baby, great show. You had the crowd eating out of your pants.CHEX
Damn, The frickin’ paparazzi won’t get out of my way. (Honks horn)OTTO
You need me to break a few heads?MEEGAN
No, Otto. eShave’s already all over TMZ from last week’s Disneyland tussle. Wait till we need the press.DAN
Um. Who’s the stiff?OTTO
I thought you knew him.MEEGAN
I have no idea. Chex, who’s the suit?CHEX
Friend of eShave’s, I guess.OTTO
You guess?CHEX
eShave called me on my cell. Said to let him hang out in the limo right after the show.ALBERT
You guys could just ask me who I am?MEEGAN
Stuff it. I know who you are. You’re some corporate sponsor leech. Tell those assholes at Snapple that just because they front the money, doesn’t mean they get to abuse eShave’s good nature.ALBERT
I’m not from Snapple. I’m from Iowa. ESHAVE
Do you guys mind? I’m trying to get to know one of my fans better.MEEGAN
You know this guy, eShave? He a lawyer or something?ESHAVE
No, Meegan, he’s not a lawyer. Are you a lawyer?ALBERT
No. I’m studying horticulture.ESHAVE
There you go. He’s a horticulturer. And he’s my son.(eShave goes back to making out with Chick Girl.)
MEEGAN
You have a son?OTTO
He probably has lots of sons.ESHAVE
Probably. This is one of them. If you don’t mind, I’d like to work on making a few more. (He goes back to making out.)
ALBERT
I am Mr. eShave’s son. Albert. (Dan takes Albert’s picture.)
MEEGAN
That does not get published, Dan. You hear me?DAN
Yeah. Okay. This is big news, though. Hottest aging rocker in the country not from Britain has a son no one knew about. OTTO
I can get rid of him, if you want.ALBERT
Uh, Dad?ESHAVE
You hear that? He called me Dad. That’s my boy!(eShave puts an arm around Albert.)
ESHAVE
Hey, do you want to make out with…?CHICK GIRL
Chick Girl.ESHAVE
Really? I thought’s just what I was calling you.CHICK GIRL
It is.ESHAVE
You want some?ALBERT
Naw, thanks. You go ahead.ESHAVE
You sure? She’s pretty fine.ALBERT
Can I make out with her?MEEGAN
No.ESHAVE
She’s a lesbian.MEEGAN
I am not.ESHAVE
You were when we met.MEEGAN
You had me make out with your maid as part of my job interview.OTTO
Hot.MEEGAN
Albert. You’re “father” – if he really is your father –ESHAVE
Oh, he is, all right. The paternity test proved it.MEEGAN
Great. DAN
We can get this on Smoking Gun and Maury Pauvich.MEEGAN
Regardless. Albert. You’re old man is busy. Where can we drop you off?ESHAVE
Hey, hey. Can’t a dad bring his son to work? This is my flesh and blood. Fruit of my looms. His mom found out I was playing Des Moines and had her lawyer get in touch with me. I’m glad we got to meet, Albert. We’ll make up for lost time. Do some bonding. Right now, we’re going back to the hotel for an orgy. Have you ever been to an orgy, son?ALBERT
No.ESHAVE
Excellent. Then this will really be great for us. I’ll show you the ins and outs. Three things you’ll need, hand sanitizer, a big towel, and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Sound like fun?ALBERT
No condoms?ESHAVE
If I ever used condoms at an orgy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.ALBERT
Think we can find some time to just talk, tonight, too?ESHAVE
Oh, they’ll be plenty of time to chat. You’ve got to take breaks to recharge the batteries. OTTO
Figuratively and literally. DAN
We use rechargeable batteries on all the toys. Better for the environment.ESHAVE
Chex, stop off at the Super Wal-Mart. We have to make sure Albert has all the accessories he needs. We can also get to know each other now as Meegan and Chick Girl are making out.MEEGAN
What?ESHAVE
Hmm, maybe I need to shop around for a new manager.MEEGAN
Fine. But only because making out with women on demand is in my contract.(Meegan and Chick Girl start making out. Dan takes pictures.)
OTTO
Hot.(Meegan flips them off while continuing to kiss Chick Girl.)
ALBERT
It does seem sexist.ESHAVE
You mean sexiest.ALBERT
It seems a little unfair.ESHAVE
Well, Albert, it is a part of my job. Comes with the territory. But let it be said your dad is a fair man. Otto, Dan, you guys make out, too.DAN
Okay.OTTO
Don’t be thinking about me when you kiss me.DAN
When I feel your big ape arms around me and your beard against my cheek, I’ll be thinking of Meegan.(Meegan flips them off. Otto and Dan start kissing. )
ESHAVE
So, what’s your mom’s name, again?ALBERT
Adelle. Adelle Lerpner.ESHAVE
Waitress, right? She still hot? We could swing by and get her.ALBERT
Take my mom to an orgy?ESHAVE
Hey, think of it as a family reunion. A naked family reunion.(Lights fade as they bond.)
