Written by Joe Janes
131 of 365
Chick Girl, 20s
(Lights up on Albert, a young man in a conservative suit sitting alone in the back of a stretch limousine. The car door opens and we hear screaming fans as eShave, in shades, leather jacket and tight pants enters, followed by Chick Girl, Dan, the official photographer, Meegan, the manager and Otto, the bodyguard. Chex, the limo driver, closes the passenger door and takes his place behind the wheel and takes off. eShave makes out with Chick Girl. Dan takes a lot of pictures, but only of eShave.)
MEEGANThat was a great show eShave.
DANYeah, baby, great show. You had the crowd eating out of your pants.
CHEXDamn, The frickin’ paparazzi won’t get out of my way. (Honks horn)
OTTOYou need me to break a few heads?
MEEGANNo, Otto. eShave’s already all over TMZ from last week’s Disneyland tussle. Wait till we need the press.
DANUm. Who’s the stiff?
OTTOI thought you knew him.
MEEGANI have no idea. Chex, who’s the suit?
CHEXFriend of eShave’s, I guess.
CHEXeShave called me on my cell. Said to let him hang out in the limo right after the show.
ALBERTYou guys could just ask me who I am?
MEEGANStuff it. I know who you are. You’re some corporate sponsor leech. Tell those assholes at Snapple that just because they front the money, doesn’t mean they get to abuse eShave’s good nature.
ALBERTI’m not from Snapple. I’m from Iowa.
ESHAVEDo you guys mind? I’m trying to get to know one of my fans better.
MEEGANYou know this guy, eShave? He a lawyer or something?
ESHAVENo, Meegan, he’s not a lawyer. Are you a lawyer?
ALBERTNo. I’m studying horticulture.
ESHAVEThere you go. He’s a horticulturer. And he’s my son.
(eShave goes back to making out with Chick Girl.)
MEEGANYou have a son?
OTTOHe probably has lots of sons.
ESHAVEProbably. This is one of them. If you don’t mind, I’d like to work on making a few more.
(He goes back to making out.)
ALBERTI am Mr. eShave’s son. Albert.
(Dan takes Albert’s picture.)
MEEGANThat does not get published, Dan. You hear me?
DANYeah. Okay. This is big news, though. Hottest aging rocker in the country not from Britain has a son no one knew about.
OTTOI can get rid of him, if you want.
ESHAVEYou hear that? He called me Dad. That’s my boy!
(eShave puts an arm around Albert.)
ESHAVEHey, do you want to make out with…?
CHICK GIRLChick Girl.
ESHAVEReally? I thought’s just what I was calling you.
CHICK GIRLIt is.
ESHAVEYou want some?
ALBERTNaw, thanks. You go ahead.
ESHAVEYou sure? She’s pretty fine.
ALBERTCan I make out with her?
ESHAVEShe’s a lesbian.
MEEGANI am not.
ESHAVEYou were when we met.
MEEGANYou had me make out with your maid as part of my job interview.
MEEGANAlbert. You’re “father” – if he really is your father –
ESHAVEOh, he is, all right. The paternity test proved it.
DANWe can get this on Smoking Gun and Maury Pauvich.
MEEGANRegardless. Albert. You’re old man is busy. Where can we drop you off?
ESHAVEHey, hey. Can’t a dad bring his son to work? This is my flesh and blood. Fruit of my looms. His mom found out I was playing Des Moines and had her lawyer get in touch with me. I’m glad we got to meet, Albert. We’ll make up for lost time. Do some bonding. Right now, we’re going back to the hotel for an orgy. Have you ever been to an orgy, son?
ESHAVEExcellent. Then this will really be great for us. I’ll show you the ins and outs. Three things you’ll need, hand sanitizer, a big towel, and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Sound like fun?
ESHAVEIf I ever used condoms at an orgy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
ALBERTThink we can find some time to just talk, tonight, too?
ESHAVEOh, they’ll be plenty of time to chat. You’ve got to take breaks to recharge the batteries.
OTTOFiguratively and literally.
DANWe use rechargeable batteries on all the toys. Better for the environment.
ESHAVEChex, stop off at the Super Wal-Mart. We have to make sure Albert has all the accessories he needs. We can also get to know each other now as Meegan and Chick Girl are making out.
ESHAVEHmm, maybe I need to shop around for a new manager.
MEEGANFine. But only because making out with women on demand is in my contract.
(Meegan and Chick Girl start making out. Dan takes pictures.)
(Meegan flips them off while continuing to kiss Chick Girl.)
ALBERTIt does seem sexist.
ESHAVEYou mean sexiest.
ALBERTIt seems a little unfair.
ESHAVEWell, Albert, it is a part of my job. Comes with the territory. But let it be said your dad is a fair man. Otto, Dan, you guys make out, too.
OTTODon’t be thinking about me when you kiss me.
DANWhen I feel your big ape arms around me and your beard against my cheek, I’ll be thinking of Meegan.
(Meegan flips them off. Otto and Dan start kissing. )
ESHAVESo, what’s your mom’s name, again?
ALBERTAdelle. Adelle Lerpner.
ESHAVEWaitress, right? She still hot? We could swing by and get her.
ALBERTTake my mom to an orgy?
ESHAVEHey, think of it as a family reunion. A naked family reunion.
(Lights fade as they bond.)