Week 48, Day 336 - "Jock Itch"

“Jock Itch”

Written by Joe Janes

12/20/09

336 of 365

Cast:

Pharmacist Phil, 50s

Curt, 17

(Lights up on Pharmacist Phil in a lab coat behind a counter filling a prescription. Curt, in a varsity jacket, hesitantly approaches.)

CURT

Excuse me?

PHIL

Yes?

(Curt beckons him to come closer so he doesn’t have to speak so loud.)

CURT

Do you have anything for jock itch?

PHIL

Jock scratch?

(Curt looks at him puzzled, but then starts to scratch himself.)

CURT

Thank you.

PHIL

You’re welcome.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 327 - "Bunny"

“Bunny”

Written by Joe Janes

12/11/09

327 of 365

CAST:

Nic, teens (Nic)

Samantha, teens (Corey)

Cameron, teens (Michael)

(Lights up on Nic running through a forest at night. He is visibly upset and crying. He finds the stump of a fallen tree on which to collapse into his sobbing self. He hears a wolf baying in the distance; he stops and listens to the night. Nothing. He begins to sob, again. Samantha emerges from the shadows.)

SAMANTHA

Nic.

(Nic is startled and stands back.)

NIC

Samantha. You found me.

SAMANTHA

I smelled you.

(Nic smells his pits.)

SAMANTHA (continuing)

I smelled your blood.

NIC

But – I’m not bleeding.

SAMANTHA (inhaling deeply)

It’s yours. I’d know it anywhere. (Samantha touches his cheek and he turns away from her.) Your date must not be going well for you to run off like that.

NIC

I saw you stalking me. You can’t come between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You say that with your lips, but your eyes tell me something else.

NIC

My eyes lie through their sockets.

(Cameron enters.)

CAMERON

Nic. There you are.

NIC

Cameron.

CAMERON

Hello, Samantha.

NIC

She was just saying good-bye.

SAMANTHA

No, Nic. I won’t say good-bye. If you never want to see me, again, then you must be the one to walk away.

(Nic looks at her and turns away in anguish.)

NIC

It can’t work between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You can’t deny our love.

CAMERON

Hello, you’re a vampire.

SAMANTHA

I know what I am.

CAMERON

You drink blood to survive. You’ll eat him.

SAMANTHA

I can control myself, Nic.

CAMERON

You say that now, but what if you get married some day. You’d come home some night after a long day, “Hey, nothing in the fridge, what the hell am I going to gnosh on? Oh, yeah. My husband, the walking juice box.” Chomp and sip!

SAMANTHA (to Nic)

I would never drain the sweet blood from your rich, throbbing veins. …I could just take enough to make you just like me. If you wanted…

NIC

I don’t want to be like you, Samantha. I want to be a normal high school student and do normal high school student things like build a float, eat too much pizza, get caught masturbating by my mother while watching her Jane Fonda aerobics videos – wait, that one I did. I want to be a normal, sexually confused, high school student. And I want to date normal high school students. Like Cameron.

(Samantha laughs.)

CAMERON

What’s so funny, Samantha?

SAMANTHA

He thinks you’re normal.

CAMERON

I am normal.

SAMANTHA

Really, Cameron? Maybe you didn’t notice what’s up there creeping out from behind the clouds.

NIC

A full moon?

CAMERON

No! No! I was so excited about our date I forgot to check the calendar.

NIC

Cameron! Cameron! What’s happening? Let me hold you.

CAMERON

Stay away!

(Cameron pushes Nic away and he falls into Samantha’s arms. Cameron rips open his shirt and turns into a werewolf.)

NIC

Oh, no! Oh, no!

(Cameron starts growling at Samantha. His growls get bigger and he looks like he’s about to spring on her when Nic comes over and smacks him on the snout. He yelps.)

CAMERON

What’d you do that for?

NIC

Do you know what it’s like? Do you have any idea what it’s like to fall in love with someone and find out that they’re a vampire? And now I find out the new guy I’m dating is a werewolf!

CAMERON

I was going to tell you.

NIC

When, Cameron? When?

CAMERON

I usually tell on the third date.

NIC

Which is tonight.

CAMERON

Ta-dah! Nic – I – I –

NIC

Don’t say it.

CAMERON

I love you.

NIC

No!

SAMANTHA

Stand back, Nic. I’ll take care of this mutt.

CAMERON

Think a bat can win a fight with a wolf?

SAMANTHA

I think we’re going to find out.

(Samantha and Cameron begin to tangle. They fight much like you would expect wolf-like and bat-like creatures to fight. It crescendos with Cameron humping Samantha’s leg.)

SAMANTHA

Get off me, creep!

CAMERON

I-I-I can’t stop. Once I start, I can’t stop. (He begins to howl. She kicks him off. He yelps. They stand off from one another for a beat then tackle one another. They end up biting one another’s leg.)

CAMERON AND SAMANTHA

Ow!!!! You bit me!!!

(They break off from one another. Nic is torn as to which one to tend to.)

CAMERON

Nic, help me.

SAMANTHA

Nic. Help me.

CAMERON

Oh, God.

SAMANTHA

I don’t believe it.

(They both scream and writhe in pain. Samantha rips open her shirt and turns into a werewolf/vampire while Cameron becomes a vampire/werewolf.)

SAMANTHA

You bastard, you turned me into a werewolf.

CAMERON

Now, I have to deal with being a vampire, too. You bitch.

NIC

You two are just really not good candidates for dating.

CAMERON (sniffing the air)

I can smell your blood more than ever.

SAMANTHA

Yes, Nic. Your blood. It’s so intense.

CAMERON

You’re not bleeding.

NIC

Well, no. Not really.

SAMANTHA

You smell like Coach Webber when she’s being crabby.

CAMERON

You mean when she’s-

SAMANTHA

Nic!

NIC

It’s Nicolette. I have a vagina.

CAMERON

But – I don’t like those.

SAMANTHA

Neither do I. When were you going to tell us?

NIC (weakly)

Ta-dah.

(Pause)

CAMERON

I don’t think I can deal with this.

NIC

My family just moved to town a month ago. (To Samantha) When you saved me from being crushed by that golf cart you thought I was a boy because my dad insists on cutting my hair to save money and he is very bad at it. I didn’t want to lose you, so I lived a lie. But I’m still Nic, on the inside.

CAMERON

Not really.

SAMANTHA

A lack of penis just isn’t what I’m looking for in a forbidden love.

(Pause)

CAMERON (To Samantha)

The soccer team is partying at the quarry. Want to come?

SAMANTHA

Those douche bags?

CAMERON

If it’s lame, we can maul them.

SAMANTHA

Anything’s better than here.

(They give Nic a dirty look and exit.)

NIC

You can pretend I tuck.

(Nic starts crying again and collapses on the tree stump. Off in the distance he hears two wolves howling at the moon.)

CAMERON (off)

Aw, look, a bunny!

SAMANTHA (off)

That is so cute.

CAMERON (off)

Let’s drink its blood and then eat it!

SAMANTHA (off)

Get your fangs out of my mind and into that bunny’s jugular.

(We hear them laugh and then attack and devour the bunny. When they finish, Nic goes back to crying. He stops for a moment.)

NIC

Ow. Cramps.

(Lights fade as Nic cries and the wolves howl at a greater distance.)

Week 41, Day 282 - "Christopher"

“Christopher”

Written by Joe Janes

10/27/09

282 of 365

CAST

Christopher, 18

Charlsey, 40s

Danielle, 18

(Lights up on Danielle tied to a chair. She is unconscious. She comes to and realizes she is restrained. She starts to struggle. From the shadows, she hears Christopher’s sinister voice.)

CHRISTOPHER

Struggling is useless.

DANIELLE

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

CHRISTOPHER (mockingly)

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

DANIELLE

What do you want?

(Christopher emerges from the shadows behind her with a knife. He holds it tightly to her throat and whispers in her ear.)

CHRISTOPHER

I want you to die. But not quickly. Slowly. Painfully. While I watch the life drain from your arteries. Doesn’t it want to make you scream? Go ahead, scream. Scream your head off. There’s no one home and the neighbors live to far away. Scream.

(She screams. He laughs. She screams more. His laugh grows louder. Suddenly, we hear a light switch flick and the room becomes very well lit and Charlsey is poking her head in the door. Christopher puts his hand over Danielle’s mouth.)

CHARLSEY

Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

Mom!

CHARLSEY

I heard rough housing. What the heck are you doing in here?

CHRISTOPHER

What are you doing here? I thought you had PTA.

CHARLSEY

Oh, everyone’s so scared about swine flu, they cancelled it. Fine with me, let me tell you. Who’s your friend?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, this is Danielle. Mom, Danielle. Danielle, this is my mother.

CHARLSEY

Oh, you can call me Charlsey. I think you’ll find I’m a “cool” mom. Right, Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

Very cool?

CHARLSEY

You kids want any alcohol? I’d rather you drink under my roof than out there lords knows where with who knows what.

CHRISTOPHER

We’re a little busy here, Mom.

(Danielle bites Christopher’s hand. He lets go of her.)

DANIELLE

Your son is trying to kill me! Please call the police!

CHARLESY

What the devil? What kind of game are you two playing?

CHRISTOPHER

It’s not a game, Mom.

DANIELLE

He’s trying to kill me. He drugged me at school and I woke up here tied to this chair.

CHARLSEY

Oh, my. This is just like that TV show!

CHRISTOPHER

“Dexter”?

CHARLSEY

No… What’s the name of that show?... It’s on the television… That handsome boy who likes to kill people.

DANIELLE

I think that’s “Dexter.”

CHARLSEY

No, no, no… “Magnum, PI”!

CHRISTOPHER

Magnum didn’t kill people.

CHARLSEY

He didn’t?

DANIELLE

No. He solved crimes while wearing khaki shorts.

CHARLSEY

Oh, those shorts. He sure killed me a thousand times wearing those shorts.

CHRISTOPHER

Mom. We’re really busy…

DANIELLE

Call the police, please…

CHARLSEY

Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that. I’m the “cool” mom. I also have a little (she imitates toking a joint) if you want some. (She winks.) I get it from the mailman. He's so nice. Okay, I’ll leave you two alone. Let me know if you need anything. Nice meeting you, Danielle.

DANIELLE

Thanks… Charlsey.

(She exits. Christopher holds a knife to Danielle, but isn’t feeling it. He shakes out his body and tries to get back in the mood. He tries the knife, again. Nothing. Ah! The lights. He goes over to the door and turns out the lights.)

CHRISTOPHER (sinister voice)

Well, Danielle-

DANIELLE

Is this your first time?

CHRISTOPHER

What? No! Why do you ask that?

DANIELLE

You don’t seem like you know what you’re doing.

CHRISTOPHER

I know what I’m doing. I know what I’m doing. I’ve done this a lot. I’ve run through this a lot.

DANIELLE

You’ve run through this?

CHRISTOPHER

A true artist practices, hello.

DANIELLE

But you’ve never done this with a real live girl before.

CHRISTOPHER

No. But I’ve seen pictures. And movies. “Dexter” and “Magnum.” I know what I’m doing.

DANIELLE

Really? Well, then, come on. Do me. Let’s do it. Get that knife to workin’, big boy.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, I’ll do it when I feel like it.

DANIELLE

Then let’s do it.

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t feel like it. Maybe you’re not my type.

DANIELLE

I was your type when you drugged my Coke Zero.

CHRISTOPHER

Just because you were easy to drug doesn’t make you my type.

DANIELLE

You going to stab me with that thing or what?

CHRISTOPHER

What!

(He storms off. Danielle is relieved and she tries to untie herself. Charlsey flicks on the lights as she re-enters with a tray of snacks.)

CHARLSEY

I brought you two snacks. We have some Ritz Crackers with Cheez Whiz, some little sausages with toothpicks and some dry roasted peanuts. Where’d Christopher go?

DANIELLE

He changed his mind about killing me. He went for a walk or something.

CHARLSEY

Oh. I’m sure he’ll be back soon. Would you like a snack?

DANIELLE

Could you untie me?

(Charlsey sets down the tray and quickly unties Danielle. Danielle rubs her wrists as Charlsey sits down near hear and eats a cracker.)

DANIELLE

I think I’ll skip the snacks and just head home, Charlsey-

(Charlsey, without looking, quickly produces a knife and points it at Danielle who sits back down.)

CHARLSEY

Sit down, Danielle.

DANIELLE

But, but, why?

CHARLSEY

My son’s not done with you and I have to live up to my reputation for him. I’m the “cool” mom. Peanut?

(She offers Danielle a peanut. She slowly takes it. Lights fade.)

Week 34, Day 233 - “A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

“A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

Written by Joe Janes

9/08/09

233 of 365

Cast

DJ Bertram, 30s

Alisa, 29

(Lights up on DJ Bertram spinning “La Vida Loca” behind a set of turntables. He finishes up some high-energy track and grabs his mic.)

DJ BERTRAM

Hey, Class of 99! Are you ready to par-tay! (There is little or no response) Okay! Let’s funk it up and see if we can’t fill this dance floor! (Someone runs up and hands him a note) Before we funk it up, I have this announcement. (He reads the note)… A big list… Christopher Othic, whoo!… Nathanial Topping, yay!… Gregory Wendling, ho!… Michael Bauman, rocks…Joseph Janes, can I get a whoop-whoop!...Geoffrey Crump, Crumpy-crump!...Catherine Monahan, yes!...and (reading note closer) they have all passed away since graduation and we’d like to have a moment of silence…(He now has an awkward moment of silence as all the energy in the room is now completely gone.)…So, um, let’s get this party restarted with (hits switch and music starts playing) another hit from 1999, Smash Mouth’s "All Star"...Enough dead talk, because those guys are all all stars in heaven, or wherever, probably, am I right? Yep! Let’s dance!

(Lights fade as DJ Bertram dances it off.)

Week 27, Day 188 - "WTF"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“WTF”

Written by Joe Janes

7/25/09

188 of 365

CAST

Muriel, late 20s

Tabitha, late 20s

(Lights up on Muriel standing near the buffet table of a high school reunion. Tabitha approaches.)

TABITHA

Muriel? Muriel Klotz?

MURIEL

Yes?

TABITHA (hugs Muriel)

Oh, my God! I haven’t since you since we graduated.

MURIEL

That’s right. We haven’t seen each other since then…you.

TABITHA

You…don’t remember me…it’s Tabitha. Tabitha Letterhos.

MURIEL

Oh, sure. Tabitha! We took Chemistry together.

TABITHA

Biology.

MURIEL

Of course. I get all my sciences mixed up.

TABITHA

You still don’t remember me.

MURIEL

No, no. Of course, I do. Tabitha. Just you’re hair-

TABITHA

Is exactly the same way I wore it ten years ago.

MURIEL

Well, you know, we all have put on a few extra pounds.

TABITHA

Except me.

MURIEL

Except you, is what I was going to say. You look great.

TABITHA

Right. You know, I used to think you were somebody real special. Someone I really admired. And I fooled myself into thinking we were friends, maybe not close friends, but friends enough to be glad to see each other, get together for coffee and to laugh about old times. I wasn’t even on your radar in high school, was I? Well, sorry I bothered you, Muriel. Enjoy the ten-year reunion.

(She exits.)

MURIEL

Facebook me!

(Blackout)

Week 24, Day 168 - "New Blood"

“New Blood”
Written by Joe Janes
7/5/09
168 of 365

CAST
Mr. Brown, 50s
Lillie, 18


(Lights up on a park bench in the downtown square of a small town in Ohio. Seated on the far end of the bench is LILLIE, 18, casually and conservatively dressed. Sitting on the other end is MR. BROWN, late 50’s. He wears a sports coat, khakis, a blue button down shirt and a Looney Tunes necktie. He is holding a manila envelope. She looks pensive.)

MR. BROWN

Did you hear what I said?

LILLIE

Yes. Yes, I heard.

MR. BROWN

I know that’s not what you expected to hear, Lillie.

LILLIE

Mr. Brown, you lied to me.

MR. BROWN

I have it right here. I was hoping you’d come to your own conclusions…think about what’s best for everybody.

LILLIE

I have good grades. A scholarship. I can’t throw that away.

MR. BROWN

You’re smart. Smart as a whip. You think things through. People like you, students and teachers. You’re a good egg. We need you here, Lillie.

LILLIE

But it’s what I want, Mr. Brown.

MR. BROWN

Hoo, boy. I have seen and heard this so many times. Not from you. Over the years as the high school guidance counselor. I was the same way, too, at your age. It was all about me and what I wanted. No thought to the community. It’s like rats jumping off a sinking ship. That’s why I wanted you to meet me here.

LILLIE

In beautiful downtown nowhere, Ohio.

MR. BROWN

It’s a joke to you. It’s a joke to all you young people. I guess I don’t blame you. But you can change it.

LILLIE

This place is dead. It even smells like old people.

MR. BROWN

You see this?

(He points to the armrest in the middle of the park bench.)

LILLIE

It’s an armrest. So?

MR. BROWN

An armrest. On a park bench? Do you really think that’s necessary? Know why it’s really here?

LILLIE

To rest one’s weary arm.

MR. BROWN

So homeless people don’t bunk on it. Wouldn’t want to offend the little old ladies with such an unwholesome sight. Especially right here near the courthouse. It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago, and I know I sound like an old fart saying all this, that plumbing and heating
supply store over there used to be a movie theater. That’s why their sign looks like a marquee. I took my wife there when she was your age. You know that flea market on the weekends out on Route 2. It used to be a drive-in. Took my wife there, too. We didn’t watch too many movies there, though.

LILLIE

Thanks for the walk down memory lane and the horrible image of you and your wife now burned into my brain. I guess I’ll have to send in my own college applications.

MR. BROWN

I’ll send it in Lillie. You can even walk with me over to the post office and watch me do it. But, please, just listen to me for a second. This town used to be alive. Since the gypsum plant closed and the Wal-Mart opened, the downtown barely has a pulse. Look at you, young and alive and full of dreams. We need you here. This town needs you to breathe life into it. This town needs to dream. People didn’t used to leave. They’d marry after high school and settle down and raise a family. I sit in my office every day and I see bright young people leave and never come back. Used to be you’d leave to go join the military, but you came back. You came back and got a job at a factory or at the hardware store or the grocery store. If you went to college, you came back with a degree and you put up a shingle as a lawyer or a doctor. Or whatever. No one comes back anymore. They leave and they never come back. The class sizes get smaller and smaller every year. What religion are you?

LILLIE

Catholic, maybe?

MR. BROWN

Catholic, maybe? I’m Episcopalian. Go every Sunday with my wife to St. Thomas. I help out, too, as an usher. Me and Virgil Turkington are the ushers. And every Sunday, it surprises me that he shows up because he’s just so damn old. When I was a kid, it would be packed. Last Easter, there was barely a dozen people. No one in that church was under thirty. Maybe even forty. They don’t even have a regular reverend anymore. They send in some woman from Cleveland once a week. A woman. Nothing wrong with that, just a little weird is all.

LILLIE

Some people stay. Not everyone wants to go to college, like me. Tom Heinemann, Lori Letterhos, Steve Gurtz. They’re all staying.

MR. BROWN

Not exactly the pick of the litter. In fact, any self-respecting hound would have eaten them at birth.

LILLIE

They’re not that bad.

MR. BROWN

We’ll see. But the ones who stay, don’t have a choice. They usually turn out becoming cops or criminals. Mostly the latter.

LILLIE

Mr. Brown. I’m sorry. I know this town is important to you. If I stay here, I’ll die. I’ll be like my mother. The walking dead in homemade Christmas sweaters.

MR. BROWN

How about this? This college is five states away. How about sticking closer to home? Go to State. You could commute.

LILLIE

Have you met my mother? Five states away is still too close.

MR. BROWN (standing up)

I’ll mail your application, Lillie, but will you at least think about what I said. Maybe after you graduate college, maybe even after a few years of being a doctor, you’ll come back here. Share your gifts with us. Bring us some children to play around here, again.

LILLIE

I’ll think about it. I will. But if I stay here, now, it will be like a death sentence.

MR. BROWN

Yeah. I suppose it would.

(He exits. Lights fade.)

Week 21, Day 147 - “Rock and Roll Trouble!”

“Rock and Roll Trouble!”
Written by Joe Janes
6/14/09
147 of 365

CAST:
Johnny, 17
Trouble, 17
Dad, 40s
Mr. Dillman, 50s
Narrator
Various friends and students

NARRATOR (VO)

He came from the right side of the tracks.

(Lights up stage right on Johnny, a clean-cut young boy, walking to school, his books in a book bag.)

NARRATOR (VO-continuing)

He had never seen trouble…until she rolled into town.

(Lights up on stage left on Trouble in the cab of a semi-truck, her dad is driving. She is wearing a typical schoolgirl outfit and holding school books in her lap. He brings the rig to a stop.)

DAD

Now, young lady, you be good at school. Make your momma proud, you hear?

TROUBLE

Sure thing, Daddy.

(She exits and runs into Johnny as we hear the truck pull away.)

JOHNNY

Hi. You must be new. I’m Johnny.

(She throws her books into a trashcan and moves passed him towards the school)

JOHNNY (continuing)

I’m having a party at my house after school. Me and the gang. You can come over if you want. Hey, what’s your name?

TROUBLE

Trouble.

JOHNNY

Trouble?

NARRATOR

See Johnny’s world go topsy-turvy.

(Lights up on a party where Johnny and his friends are listening to Andy Williams. They are having a pleasant time. Trouble enters.)

JOHNNY

Trouble, you made it. Hey, everybody, this is Trouble. We were just listening to a cool new recording from Andy Williams.

(Trouble walks over to the record player and pulls the needle off it followed by a rally of “hey's” from Johnny’s friends.

JOHNNY (continuing)

Hey, Trouble, that was Andy Williams. One of the hippest cats around.

TROUBLE

Maybe you need to hear some of this, Johnny. It’s called rock and roll.

(She puts on a new record. It’s Chuck Berry. She starts to dance.)

JOHNNY (trying to join in)

Hey, where’d you learn to dance like that?

TROUBLE

Magazines.

(The kids all joyfully join in dancing.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Just like Romeo and Juliet… with a Rock and Roll beat!

(Lights up on a classroom. Johnny slouches at his desk and wears sunglasses. Mr. Dillman, the history teacher, is looking at him sternly.)

MR. DILLMAN

Who discovered America, Johnny?

JOHNNY

I don’t care, Mr. DILL-man. Not since I discovered rock and roll!

(Chaos erupts in the classroom. More Chuck Berry is heard. Johnny grabs Trouble and they dance around Mr. Dillman. All the students are up and dancing.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Rock and Roll Trouble! See how absolute rock and roll corrupts absolutely. (Mr. Dillman starts dancing, too.) Coming soon to a drive-in near you.

(Blackout)