Written by Joe Janes
9/3/09
228 of 365
Cast
Jimmy, 30s
Howard, 30s
Peter, 30s
(Lights up on Jimmy, a strong, beefy guy, sitting on a bar stool. The door next to him opens and Howard comes through, wearing a jacket and carrying a backpack.)
JIMMY
Twenty dollars.
HOWARD
Who are you?
JIMMY
I’m Jimmy. Twenty dollars.
HOWARD
My apartment building doesn’t have a doorman.
JIMMY
New service. Twenty dollars.
HOWARD
I’m not giving you twenty dollars.
JIMMY
Then you don’t get to enter.
HOWARD
Enter the outside?
JIMMY
That is correct. Twenty bucks or back out you go into your apartment.
HOWARD
I’m not going to let you rob me out of twenty bucks, especially when I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee and sit and write.
JIMMY
How much is the coffee?
HOWARD
Two dollars.
JIMMY
Refills?
HOWARD
Another buck.
JIMMY
Three bucks. Muffin or scone?
HOWARD
Blueberry scone. $2.75. They are so good.
JIMMY
Add tax; let’s round up to six bucks. Plus a dollar tip.
HOWARD
A dollar?
JIMMY
Fucking A, a dollar. So, your little inexpensive trip to the coffee shop to write, both of which you could do at home, is now at seven dollars.
HOWARD
I’m out of coffee.
JIMMY
You have tea?
HOWARD
I have tea.
JIMMY
It’s better for you. Write while you sip tea.
HOWARD
I’m really a coffee guy when it comes to writing.
JIMMY
What are you writing?
HOWARD
A comedy sketch.
JIMMY
Hmmm.
HOWARD
You have a problem with that?
JIMMY
No, no. Not at all. I’m sure your little skits are worth every penny. Anything in between here and the coffee joint?
HOWARD
Grocery store.
JIMMY
Stopping by?
HOWARD
No. Yes. I usually do. It’s right on the way. Something for dinner, cat food, and I do the self-checkout so I can get cash back with my debit card.
JIMMY
You don’t have to use the self-checkout for that. You can use a cashier for that.
HOWARD
I don’t like to. I feel like I have to tell them what I need the money for. It’s a thing.
JIMMY
Okay, champ, add cat food, something for dinner and some miscellaneous-
HOWARD
Miscellaneous?
JIMMY
You know, you get there and realize you need mints or croutons or cotton swabs.
HOWARD
I need all those things.
JIMMY
And how much cash back?
HOWARD
I usually get a hundred so I don’t have to do it again right away although I’m usually back two days later.
JIMMY
Okay, then, that little nugget of comedy gold that you’re going to create is going to cost you today somewhere around one hundred and fifty dineros.
HOWARD
Guess I never stopped to think about it.
JIMMY
Maybe you should.
HOWARD
I don’t think dineros is a word.
JIMMY
So, you can pay me twenty bucks on top of all that or you can go back inside, make yourself some tea and write your little funny ha-has in your living room.
HOWARD
That would save me quite a bit of money.
JIMMY
Now, if you happen to be going somewhere that will make you significantly more moola than a twenty-dollar cover, then come back out.
HOWARD
What if I need to do laundry?
JIMMY
Use the bathtub.
HOWARD
Right. Right, Good call-
JIMMY
Jimmy.
HOWARD
Howard.
JIMMY
I know.
(Peter opens his apartment door and tries to sneak by Jimmy. Jimmy clears his throat.)
PETER
Jimmy, didn’t see you there.
JIMMY
Twenty bucks, Peter.
PETER
Jimmy, I was just going to run to the 7-11 for a quick something to drink. Bringing it right back here. Maybe a Slushee. Or a big coke. Or a Slushee Coke. Can I bring you back anything?
JIMMY
No, thanks. I’ll just take my twenty bucks.
(Pause)
PETER (slaps forehead)
What was I thinking? I have water. Plenty of refreshing tap water.
JIMMY
Add a few thin slices of cucumber and serve it chilled.
PETER
Great idea. Catch you later, Jimmy. Hey, Howard.
HOWARD
Hey, Peter.
PETER
This guy! (Points to Jimmy as he walks back to his apartment.) Love this guy. (He turns, sighs, and goes back into his apartment.)
HOWARD
Thanks for helping me save some money, Jimmy.
JIMMY
It’s what I’m here for. If you’re going to piss away money, you may as well just hand it off to me as you walk out the door.
HOWARD
That was subtle.
(Jimmy shrugs. Howard enters his apartment. Pause. Howard comes back out and hands Jimmy a twenty.)
HOWARD
Fuck it. I need coffee. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Jimmy!
(He exits.)
JIMMY
Subtlety is not part of my job.
(Jimmy takes a big wad of cash out of his pocket and wraps the twenty around it. Lights fade.)
