Written by Joe Janes
11/1/09
287 of 365
Cast:
Kyle, 20s
Ted, 40s
(Lights up on Kyle, sitting at his desk doing nothing. Ted enters with papers.)
TED
Here’s that spreadsheet, Kyle. I need it on my desk by 5pm.
KYLE
You’ve got it.
(Kyle takes the spreadsheet and sets it on his desk and continues to do nothing. Ted walks away, but turns before he exits.)
TED
Everything okay, Kyle?
KYLE
Oh, just fine, Ted. Thank you for asking.
(Pause)
TED
I mentioned I needed that spreadsheet by 5 o’clock, didn’t I?
KYLE
Just like you always do.
TED
Then maybe you could start working on it.
KYLE
Well, I would, but I figured something out.
TED
What’s that?
KYLE
Normally, here’s what I would do. You hand me a spreadsheet to work on and I would immediately start to work. After about fifteen minutes, I’d think, “Gee, I’d be a lot sharper on this spreadsheet if I had a cup of joe.” So, I go to the break room and get a cup. Then, I see the newspapers in there and figure, gotta keep up on what’s happening in the world. Clearly, the company wants me to keep up on the news, or they wouldn’t subscribe to these rags and leave them here. They’re not just for coupons. Although, I do also look through them for coupons. And there are three papers, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times and USA Today. By the time I slug my through them all, it’s time for another cup of coffee. I hate old coffee, so I brew a fresh pot and go around and let everyone on the floor know I’m making a fresh pot because I can’t drink it all myself. When I come back, the coffee’s done. I pour myself another cup and head back to the desk. I pass Cassie’s desk on the way and check in with her to see how her dad’s doing. His health is, you know. I want to show my concern because she wears low-cut blouses. When I get back to my desk, I review what I’ve done so far on the spreadsheet. Then it’s time for lunch. I take an early lunch to avoid lines in the cafeteria. The IT guys do that, too. Lunch usually takes me about an hour and half because we talk Everquest and Second Life. They give me great tips. After lunch, I come back here, check my voice-mail, e-mail, mail-mail, Facebook and Twitter – next thing you know, it’s four o’clock and I haven’t even called my wife yet to see how she’s doing and what our plans are for dinner. I review what I did on the spreadsheet, get a little more work done, and the next thing you know, nature calls and it’s time to go camping. I go back to the break room and grab the crossword puzzle from USA Today, which, on three days out of the week, is surprisingly difficult. Eventually, I make it back to my desk sometime before 5pm, look at the spreadsheet, again, and then call you and tell you there’s no way I can get this thing done by 5pm. I mean, I could, but I’d rush it and it wouldn’t meet company standards and you wouldn’t want that. So, I tell you I’ll come in early tomorrow to get a leg up on it and have it on your desk by 9am. I mean, really, what’s it matter if you get it at 5pm today or 9am tomorrow? After you reluctantly agree, I check my e-mail, again and go home. Now, you know and I know there’s no way in hell I’m going to be in here before 9am. I don’t even roll out of bed until 8. I’ll rush in around 9:30am mumbling about the horrible traffic then I’d hunker down, work on that spreadsheet and get it on your desk around 10:30am.
TED
Wow. That is what you usually do.
KYLE
I know. Wild, isn’t it? So, I’m trying to be more efficient by telling you exactly what’s going to happen instead of pretending.
TED
How is that more efficient?
KYLE
Well, I’m not expending any energy lying to you or myself. So, I’ll tell you right now, you’ll get this tomorrow by 10:30am.
TED
How much actual time to you think you take working on the spreadsheet?
KYLE
Total?
TED
All in all, 45 minutes.
KYLE
Tell you what, then. I don’t need that spreadsheet by 5pm. I need it in 45 minutes. Okay?
TED
Sure. Sure thing.
(Ted exits as Kyle gets to work on the spreadsheet. Before Ted exits, Kyle mutters under his breath…)
TED (continuing)
Slave driver.
(Blackout)
