Saturday, May 23, 2009

Week 18, Day 125 - “Time Beavers"

“Time Beavers”
Written by Joe Janes
5/23/09
125 of 365

CAST
Miss Sara, 20s
Dale, 10
Missy, 10
Hank, 10
Tiffany, 10
Chip, 10
TB,?

(Lights up on Miss Sara’s third grade class. She sits in front of them with a cardboard clock with moveable hands.)

MISS SARA
…And that’s how we tell time! So, Dale, if the big hand is on the two and the little hand is on the five, what times is it?

DALE
Um, two after five?

MISS SARA
No. Good try, though. Missy? What do you think?

MISSY
Ten minutes after five o’clock?

MISS SARA
Very good.

HANK
That makes no sense whatsoever. If it’s ten after, shouldn’t the big hand be on the ten?

MISS SARA
Remember, Hank, the big hand is to count the minutes. The little hand counts the hours. Let’s put the big hand on the ten. What time is it Chip?


CHIP
Ten minutes till five.

HANK
See, that makes sense.

MISS SARA
Well, how many minutes after the hour is it? Tiffany?

TIFFANY
5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40-45-50…50.

MISS SARA
Very good. Everybody understand about telling time? Any questions? Hank?

HANK
This time thing, who invented it?

MISS SARA
Invented it? I don’t think anyone invented time.

TIFFANY
But, somebody invented clocks.

DALE
I think cavemen invented time so they wouldn’t miss their TV shows.

MISSY
You don’t need a clock to watch TV. Not when there’s TiVo.

DALE
Cavemen didn’t have TiVo, dummy.

MISS SARA
Hey, let’s not use bad names, Dale. I suppose someone really smart invented clocks a long time ago so people could be on time to meet up with one another.

HANK
Time is always moving. That’s why clocks run all the time. Right?

MISS SARA
You could say time is always moving. Some people say it flows, like a river.

DALE
Wouldn’t we get all wet?

MISS SARA
Time isn’t wet like a river, it just moves like one. There’s time in the past, like yesterday, and then there’s the present, today, now, and then there’s tomorrow.

HANK
What happens if time beavers build a dam and time backs up and floods everywhere? Then what happens?

MISS SARA
Well, I’m not -

TIFFANY
Then everything would happen all at once!

MISSY
I’m scared. Can we kill the time beavers?

CHIP
No, don’t kill the time beavers!

MISS SARA
No one’s killing the time beavers, Chip.

MISSY (crawling under desk)
Then how can we stop them?

MISS SARA
Time beavers don’t exist, Missy.

DALE
They’re extinct! God killed them!

HANK (Spinning the hands of Miss Sara’s clock)
I can feel it. There’s too much time. I’m up to my neck in time.

TIFFANY (starts running around)
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!

MISS SARA
Tiffany, sit down!

CHIP
Call FEMA! Call the National Guard! Call Obama!

MISS SARA (takes clock away from Hank)
Give me that, Hank.

HANK
It’s a time tsunami!

MISS SARA (tears the hands off the clock)
Look! Look! Time has stopped. Look at the clock. The hands are still. Everything’s fine. Shhhhhhh! The time beavers are sleeping.

MISSY
Time is scary.

MISS SARA
Listen, children…. Time is just time. Clocks are a way to measure the seconds, minutes and hours of the day. It’s like a ruler. It’s a tool we use. It’s nothing to be afraid of. A clock is just a clock, a piece of furniture; like that chair is just a chair. We use it, it doesn’t use us. Understand?

CHIP
So, time’s not a bully that yells at tells us and tells us what to do?

MISS SARA
That’s right. We, human beings, made it up.

(The school bell rings. The kids all get up from their desks and head out the door.)

MISS SARA
That’s the bell. Now, get out of here. Bye-bye. See you tomorrow. What time tomorrow, Hank?

HANK
8:30am.

MISS SARA
That’s right. Get home safely.

(Everyone leaves. Miss Sara looks relived. From the opposite side of the stage, a time beaver enters. The time beaver wears white coveralls, a hard hat, and a big clock necklace. The time beaver takes the clock and the hands from Miss Sara, looks disappointingly at her, and exits. Lights fade.)

Week 18, Day 124 - “Romeo Pizza"

(This was posted after midnight Friday)

“Romeo Pizza”

Written by Joe Janes
5/22/09
124 of 365

CAST:
Martha, 40s
Gary, 50s

(Lights up on Martha in her apartment late on a Saturday night. She is wearing what she probably considers to be a sexy housecoat. She is lighting candles, fixing up the living room. Her intercom buzzes and she answers it, trying to sound sexy.)

MARTHA
Hello.

GARY (VO)
Romeo Pizza.

MARTHA
Come on in, Romeo.

(She presses a button. Nervous, she grabs some Febreeze and spurts it around the apartment and under her armpits. The doorbell rings. She poses on the sofa.)

MARTHA
Come in, it’s open.

(The doorbell rings, again.)

MARTHA (a little louder)
Come on in, the door is open.

(The doorbell rings, again.)

MARTHA
It’s open!

(The door opens and standing there is Gary, a very old pizza delivery guy. He is out of shape and has pit stains on his polo shirt.)

GARY
Did somebody order a pizza?

MARTHA
You’re not Gary.

GARY
Yes, I am. I’m Gary. And you are (looks at address on pizza box) Martha Dandridge, right? You order a pepperoni pizza.

(Martha gets up and closes her bathrobe.)

MARTHA
There must be some mistake. I specifically asked for Gary to bring me my pie.

GARY
Well, there is more than one Gary that works at Romeo’s.

MARTHA
They asked me if I meant New Gary or Old Gary and I said New Gary.

GARY
New Gary. That’s me. Old Gary’s worked there longer than I have. I just started. Ergo, I’m New Gary.

MARTHA
This just won’t do. You’ll have to turn around and tell Old Gary, young hunky Old Gary, to bring me my pie.

GARY
I can’t do that, lady. I have to collect the money. $14.98. If I don’t collect the money, it comes out of my own pocket.

MARTHA
How insulting. I’ve never paid for a pizza in my life.

GARY
What did you do when the other Gary brought you pizza?

(Martha blows out candles and turns on the lights.)

MARTHA
What do you think?

GARY
Oh. That really happens? I thought that only happens in movies. Bad movies.

MARTHA
It happens to Gary. Once a week for a few months, now. It’s like ordering take out sex.

GARY
It’s been awhile and I didn’t shower today, or yesterday, but I can probably help you out.

MARTHA
Thanks. Now, I really don’t want that pizza. I’ll see if I can scrape up a few dollars. (She finds her purse and starts rummaging through it.) Say, aren’t you too old to be delivering pizza.

GARY
I’m too old for a lot of things. A job’s a job.

MARTHA
All I have is a ten.

GARY
Why don’t I split it with you? You take half the pizza and I’ll take half.

MARTHA
Keep it. Keep it all. Just send the other Gary along when you get back.

GARY
Martha, look. I know I don’t look nothing like Gary.

MARTHA
No. You don’t. Gary glistens.

GARY
I glisten.

MARTHA
You sweat.


GARY
Sweat, glisten, whatever. I understand you’re disappointed but that boy is eighteen if he’s a day. I may not be pumped up on hormones like him and, well, don’t have a lot of things going on physically like he does, but I’ll tell you what I do have going for me.

MARTHA
What’s that?

GARY
I kiss good. My wife used to tell me I’m a good kisser.

MARTHA
She used to tell you that?

GARY
She passed a few years back. Her nickname for me was Sugar Lips.

MARTHA
Really? I find that hard to believe.

GARY
Only one way to find out for sure.

MARTHA
Oh, what the hell.

(She steps towards him, but then grabs the Febreeze and spurts him down with it. She kisses him and, damn, if he wasn’t right. He dips her as they kiss. She is perklempt.)

GARY
Didn’t I tell ya?

MARTHA
Your wife was a lucky woman, Sugar Lips.

GARY (heads towards the door)
That was fun. Made my night. Hey, you keep the pizza. On me. Still want me to send Old Gary back?

MARTHA
Um, no. That’s okay. You know, this is too big for one person.


GARY
Thanks, but I really do need to get back. Manager thinks I’m slow enough as it is.

MARTHA
I could warm it up for lunch tomorrow. One o’clock?

GARY
I’ll bring the diet soda.

(He exits. Martha picks up the phone and dials.)

MARTHA
Yahn’s Chinese Restaurant? I’d like to order some Moo Goo Gai Pan. And please have Yahn Junior deliver it. Tell him it’s for Martha Dandridge. And hurry.

(She hangs up and looks around the room. She looks at the pizza box and sprays it with Febreeze. Blackout.)