Written by Joe Janes
9/15/09
240 of 365
CAST
Sierra, 30s
Tom, 30s
Director, 50s
Mookie, 20s
Andy, 20s
(Lights up on Sierra, the pretty one, holding books and stacking them onto shelves in a bookstore. Tom, the handsome one, is on the other side of the bookstore picking a couple of books off a shelf. He turns and runs into Sierra. They both drop books and stoop down to pick them back up.)
SIERRA
Watch where you’re going, jag off.
TOM
Hey, maybe if your fat ass wasn’t taking up half the aisle, I wouldn’t have slammed into you.
DIRECTOR
Cut! (He hops up onto the stage followed by Mookie, who hands Sierra and Tom new scripts.) I don’t think you two got the new pages. We’ve decided not to go with “oh, no, they don’t get along” beginning. Take a looksie at them real quick.
(They look them over.)
DIRECTOR
Got it?
TOM
Yeah. I think so.
SIERRA
Let’s do this.
(The director and Mookie exit as Sierra and Tom reset themselves.)
DIRECTOR
And… Action!
(Tom bumps into Sierra again and they both stoop down to pick up the fallen books.)
TOM
Oh, dear, I am such a klutz. My mind is preoccupied thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I’m here buying books on how to mend a broken heart. I am so sorry.
SIERRA
Well, you really should be more careful-
(They both pick up one of the books at the same time and their eyes meet.)
SIERRA (continuing)
But that’s okay.
TOM
My name’s Tom.
SIERRA
Sierra.
TOM
I know.
SIERRA
You know?
TOM
It’s on your nametag.
SIERRA
Oh. (She laughs.) For a moment, I thought you were a stalker.
TOM (ominously)
Not yet.
DIRECTOR
Cut! (He and Mookie hop up on stage again. Mookie hands them some rewritten pages.) Sorry, kids. Really. This script is in such a state of flux. Got the producers biting melons out of my ass to make bankable, but edgy changes. There was a little tweak there at the end. Let’s pick it up from where you just both grabbed the same book and stand up…(He and Mookie exit. He continues speaking from offstage.) Ready?.... Action!
TOM
My name’s Tom.
SIERRA
Sierra.
TOM
I know. I’m psychic.
SIERRA
You are?
TOM
And I know how to read. (He points at her nametag. She laughs.) You have the most amazing eyes.
SIERRA
So do you.
(They kiss.)
DIRECTOR
And…cut!
(He and Mookie hop up on stage, again.)
TOM
That’s kind of sudden, isn’t it?
SIERRA
They did just meet.
DIRECTOR
Hey, it’s edgy and attractive and we’re doing a 90-minute rom-com here, not Lord of the BO-Rings. Quick, let’s catch the relationship montage.
SIERRA
Montage?
DIRECTOR (snapping his fingers)
Scripts, Mookie, scripts. Hand them the rewrite. Instead of spending the next 40 pages on you two getting to know each other, we’re just going to cram the highlights into a two-minute green screen montage. Ready?
SIERRA
Two minutes?
DIRECTOR
Too long? You might be right. Minute and a half. Ready?
TOM
Not really.
DIRECTOR
Don’t sweat it. Mookie will call out the scenes. (He and Mookie hop off stage.) Ready….and action!
(A fun upbeat pop tune kicks in. Something like “When Love Comes Knocking” by The Monkees.)
MOOKIE
Walking along the beach!
(Tom and Sierra walk along hand and hand and pretend to kick at the surf.)
MOOKIE
Horse carriage ride!
(Tom and Sierra pretend to be in the back of a horse carriage snuggling under a blanket.)
MOOKIE
Sharing an ice-cream cone.
(Tom and Sierra pretend to be sharing an ice-cream cone. Sierra takes a bit of ice cream and puts it on the tip of Tom’s nose. They laugh. Tom, with a devilish grin, holds the ice-cream cone out to Sierra. She takes a lick and he pushes it into her face. They laugh. She boxes one of his ears. He slaps her across the face. They laugh. She kicks him in the balls. He drops to his knees and, since he’s there anyway, punches her in the groin. She falls back; they look at each other and laugh.)
DIRECTOR
And cut! (He and Mookie hop back up onto stage.) Well done, well done. Cute as shit. So true to life. Everyone falls in love like that. I thought we might have to cut the cooter punch, but you two really sold it. Good job. What’s next Mookie?
MOOKIE
Boy loses girl.
DIRECTOR
Right, right.
SIERRA
Party scene where he kisses his ex-girlfriend and I see it, right?
TOM
No, no. We changed it. You accept a job overseas.
DIRECTOR
We’ve really got to do a better job of keeping you two apprised of rewrites. Sierra gets kidnapped by terrorists.
MOOKIE
Actually, she dies of cancer.
DIRECTOR
Oh, right, right. Cancer replaced terrorists. Terrorists are so not next year. Cancer is always in vogue.
TOM
So, I literally lose her.
SIERRA
I get a death scene? Awesome. Hello, Oscar! (She tries to high five Tom, who does not reciprocate. She turns to the director, who delegates it,)
DIRECTOR
Mookie…
(Mookie returns Sierra’s high five.)
DIRECTOR (continuing)
Actually, Sierra, cancer’s romantic and all, but takes too long. So, you get cancer, don’t tell Tom because you don’t want him see you all cancery, and manufacture a reason to break up with him-
MOOKIE
You’re just not that in to him.
DIRECTOR
Which he goes along with, but doesn’t really buy. So, he follows you.
MOOKIE
You suspect he’s following you, so you start walking faster, tears streaming down your cheeks, until you’re running and then you turn right into a bus.
TOM
But, it’s a romantic comedy.
DIRECTOR
With an edge.
TOM
Okay, okay. With an edge. But, I’m still supposed to get her in the end, right?
DIRECTOR
You do.
SIERRA
How? I’m dead.
DIRECTOR
Tom gets to keep your ashes.
MOOKIE
And then when Tom dies of a broken heart, he has his ashes mixed with yours and then thrown into the ocean.
SIERRA
Who does that?
DIRECTOR
Your gay best friend.
SIERRA
What gay best friend?
(Andy flamboyantly steps out onto the stage.)
ANDY
Did somebody call for a gay best friend?
DIRECTOR
Not yet, Andy. Go back to your trailer.
MOOKIE
We stocked it with gay things.
(Andy pouts, turns and walks off.)
TOM
He hasn’t been in the story at all up to this point.
DIRECTOR
We’ll retrofit him, CG him into the earlier scenes. Don’t worry. People will buy it. Any questions?
SIERRA
Why are we doing this?
TOM
That’s a good question. Aren’t there enough romantic comedies, with or without edge, in the world?
DIRECTOR
It’s a love story. People love love. Goes all the way back to Romeo and Juliet.
SIERRA
The 90s?
DIRECTOR
Or look at how many love songs there are. Every band churns them out, The Beatles built a career on it. People are hungry for them. People want what they don’t have and what they don’t have is a decent love story of their own.
MOOKIE
We need to break for the day, Sir. Union rules.
DIRECTOR
All right, that’s a wrap people. Be back on the set bright and early tomorrow. We’ll start with the “I’ve Got Can-Can-Cancer” music video number.
(Sierra and Tom have no idea what he’s talking about. The director and Mookie exit. Sierra and Tim shrug at one another.)
TOM
Want to go get a cup of coffee?
SIERRA
No.
(Tom nods. They stand there awkwardly. Lights fade.)
