Written by Joe Janes
6/23/09
156 of 365
CAST:
Neil, 20s
Mrs. Brown, 60s
Mindy, 20s
(Lights up on a sad Neil walking home at night passing Mrs. Brown, a sweet old lady, who is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch.)
MRS. BROWN
Evening, Neil.NEIL
Evening, Mrs. Brown.MRS. BROWN
How was your date?NEIL
My date?MRS. BROWN
Yes, that pretty redheaded girl I saw you walking with earlier. Sure looked like a date to me. You had the biggest smile on your face. NEIL
Yeah. I guess it was all right.MRS. BROWN
Now, Neil. You come here and tell me what’s troubling you.NEIL
I’m really embarrassed, Mrs. Brown.MRS. BROWN
You know you can tell me anything, child.NEIL
I don’t think Mindy’s ever going to go out with me ever again.MRS. BROWN
Why would you say such a thing? You’re handsome and you’re a gentleman. NEIL
Thanks, but-MRS. BROWN
But what?NEIL
Argh! Everything was going great, but for at the restaurant I ordered a plate of steamed broccoli and a bottomless cup of coffee for my dinner.MRS. BROWN
Interesting choice.NEIL
I wanted to impress her by showing her I was healthy and alert. But I had no idea how it was going to affect me. We were strolling by the park when all of a sudden, it was like, oh, this is so embarrassing, Mrs. Brown.MRS. BROWN
I think I know what you’re going to say, Neil. You had to poop.NEIL
That’s right. I had to poop. Bad. Real bad. Really real bad. It was like a swat team was trying to kick out the back door of my trousers.MRS. WOCLOTT
What did you do?NEIL
I held it as long as I could, but then it started to affect the way I walked. I suggested we go to the closest possible gas station and get a frozen treat for dessert.MRS. WOCLOTT
Good thinking. NEIL
And while we were in there, I made a feeble excuse; I said, “Um, I have to go check on something…” I ran into the bathroom and quickly unleashed all that is unholy. The door was one of those thin wooden doors that didn’t go all the way to the floor and I was making noise. A lot of noise. Like swinging a bat at a duffle bag full of ducks. The room vibrated. I heard a few cans of motor oil fall off a shelf, too. When I came out, Mindy was gone.MRS. BROWN
Now, now, Neil.NEIL
And I don’t blame her. What I did was inhuman.MRS. BROWN
On the contrary, Neil What you did was perfectly natural. Everyone and everything that eats also poops. NEIL
Really?MRS. BROWN
Oh, sure. You’ve seen animals poop, haven’t you?NEIL
I watch my cat poop all the time. MRS. BROWN
You probably don’t need to do that.NEIL
He gets this look on his face. He seems to take it very seriously. MRS. BROWN
All human beings poop, too. Not just you. Did you know astronauts poop?NEIL
Even in space?MRS. BROWN
Even in space. The president poops. So does Chuck Norris. And all those pretty semi-nude lingerie models in the magazines you keep in your nightstand-NEIL
Hey, how did you know-MRS. BROWN
Oh, the whole town knows about that. And what you do with them, that’s natural, too. In moderation. But I digress; my point is that those pretty girls also poop. Think about that the next time you’re looking at them.NEIL
Yeah. I probably will. MRS. BROWN
I hope our talk has made you feel better.NEIL
I guess so. But what I did just seemed so violent. And Mindy did run away.(Mindy enters walking on the sidewalk.)
MINDY
Neil?NEIL
Mindy! MINDY
There you are. Where did you run off to?NEIL
Me? I came out of the bathroom and couldn’t find you. I assumed I frightened you away.MINDY
No, silly. I had sauerkraut, sausage and a big glass of milk for dinner. Where do you think I was?NEIL
On, my goodness. Were you in the ladies room?MINDY
You bet I was. And for quite some time. MRS. BROWN
Girls take longer to poop.MINDY
We sure do.MRS. BROWN
Say, do you kids want to come inside for some chocolate pie?MINDY
Sure!NEIL
A wedge of Mrs. Brown’s Famous Chocolate Pie sounds great, but it’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.MINDY
What’s the matter, Neil?MRS. BROWN
Are you pooped?NEIL
Not any more!(They all laugh heartily. Neil and Mindy get sudden, very concerned looks on their faces. They stand awkwardly in silence for a moment.)
NEIL
I need to go check on something.(He runs inside.)
MRS. BROWN
There’s another bathroom upstairs, Mindy.(They follow. Blackout.)
