Week 50, Day 344 - "Listless"

“Listless”

Written by Joe Janes

12/28/09/

344 of 365

Cast:

Morton, 40s

(Lights up on Morton sitting at a news desk.)

MORTON

Welcome back to The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker, but you already knew that or you wouldn’t be watching. It’s that time of year when I tell you what I think is the best of the best of this year. Why? I think so you don’t have to. When it comes to the best movies of the year, you know what I liked. There was that very expensive one in 3-D with the special effects that everyone paid lots of money to go see on its opening weekend before anyone could tell if it sucked or not, I like that one, you should, too. And let us not forget that one little independent film that all the critics raved about and that I pretend to understand. It rocked my world. Music, I like the one song where that chick made out with that girl in the leather leiderhosen at that awards show. You know the one. That was awesome. Books? Who cares? If it’s any good, I’ll wait for the movie. The best shows on the tube couldn’t hold an iFlame to that show everyone watches where people slap each other and sleep with each other and that one guy’s such a jerk and that one girl is super freaky and bitchy. And who doesn’t love a good cat fight? What a year it was! Of course, it wouldn’t be a show without pointing out the worst of the best. There was that film with the pop star who tried to act all serious and there was that rap album where the dude took himself all serious and thought he had an important message about fashion or something and it will be too soon when I see another TV show starring a 40-something actor trying to make a comeback in a show that’s all serious. Or a comedy. And on a somber note, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to remember all the Hollywood elite we lost this past year to prescription drugs and downhill skiing. (He looks on the verge of tears for a moment but quickly snaps out of it) This has been The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker. Next week, I’ll take a look at what you should be thinking about for the rest of the year. Good night, because I say it is.

Week 24, Day 164 - "Kidz Newz"

“Kidz Newz”
Written by Joe Janes
7/1/09
164 of 365

CAST
Rod, 40s
Carol, 40s
Craig, 12
Tiffany 12

(Lights up on Rod and Carol, two middle-aged news anchors at their anchor desk.)

ROD

…And that’s what it looks and sounds like when a cat plays the piano, Carol.

(He and Carol laugh.)

CAROL

Well, Rod, I guess that’s what they call a kitty cantata.

(They laugh.)

ROD

Next on the four o’clock news, a new segment for the after school crowd we call Kidz Newz…

CAROL

Spelled with two “z”s instead of “s”s, because it’s more fun.

ROD

And so our graphic department doesn’t have to worry about where to put an apostrophe.

(They laugh.)

CAROL

Take it away, Newz Kidz anchors, Craig Spindler and Tiffany Hutchins.

(Lights go down on Rod and Carol, but not before Rod can ask…)

ROD

What the hell’s a cantata?

CAROL

Mexican food, I think.

ROD

That doesn’t make sense.

(Lights come up on another part of the stage where Craig and Tiffany sit at an anchor desk.)

CRAIG

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

… And I’m Tiffany Hutchins and this is Kidz Newz… News for kids! Three elementary school students were shot down in cold blood as they stood waiting for their school bus. Witnesses report seeing a mom pull up in a mini-van and then shots were heard being fired from the back seat. Police believe this is another crime committed by new gang members too young to have a driver’s license.

CRAIG

Swine flu, pandemic killer of children and the elderly. Nature’s wrath or a government conspiracy to thin the herd? I go under cover at the World Health Organization. You can see what I find, right here, on this station, tomorrow.

TIFFANY

Coloxil, the prescription acne medication, has been linked to suicide in young teenagers. The company denies any wrong doing, as these young teenagers probably would have killed themselves any way because of their debilitating pizza faces. At least they can rest in peace knowing they’ll have clear, smooth skin at their open casket funerals.

CRAIG

Autism, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy… Medical reports indicate these conditions are on the rise, or are the children of today just faking it? (He stares off silently, drools a little, if he can.)

TIFFANY

Craig? Craig, are you okay?

CRAIG

I am okay, Tiffany, because I was faking it. And I’ll show you how not to be fooled by that wobbly kid in the wheelchair in my expose “Autism – Oh, Yeah?” tomorrow.

TIFFANY

And in sports, your mother doesn’t want you to play so rough and your father doesn’t care if you break your neck, but he is not going to drive you to the hospital.

CRAIG

And, finally, Fruit Roll-Ups… Are your parents just trying to shut you up or are they really trying to kill you? I’ll unravel the truth behind pressed fruit in a special investigative report tomorrow. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

And I’m Tiffany Hutchins.

CRAIG AND TIFFANY

And this has been Kidz Newz! News for kids!

(Lights out on them and back up on Rod and Carol who looked stunned. Very stunned.)

ROD

…Um… I think we have time for more of the kitty cat playing piano.

CAROL

Thank God.

(We hear awkward piano music as Rod and Carol smile and lights fade.)

Week 16, Day 109 - "Bullet Flu"

“Bullet Flu”
Written by Joe Janes
5/7/09
109 of 365

CAST
RON, 40s
LYDIA, 40s
DR. GIMPLE, 60s

(We hear some important news music. Lights up on news anchors Ron and Lydia along with Dr. Gimple breaking in to our regularly scheduled programming for some important news.)

RON

I’m Ron Kaufman.

LYDIA

And I’m Lydia Perez.

RON

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this breaking news story…

LYDIA

An unidentified Lakeview man is dead. Medical examiners believe the cause of death is a gunshot wound.

RON

Here to help us better understand this condition is physician and spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control, Dr. Eduard Gimple.

LYDIA

Dr. Gimple, please tell us, what causes gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

Lydia, gunshot wounds are caused by bullets being discharged from a gun. The only way to be harmed by one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really.

RON

Where do these bullets come from, Doctor? Mexicans?

LYDIA

Gay people who want to marry?

DR. GIMPLE

There’s a lot of speculation. Some even think black presidents cause them.

(They all laugh.)

DR. GIMPLE

The truth is, any human can carry bullets. And that alone is not anything to be concerned about. Bullets are harmless without a gun, their natural receptor.

LYDIA

How can I tell if I have a gun?

DOCTOR

Good question. You might have a gun and not even know it. A simple test you can do at home is to run your hand along the sides of your torso, lower back and legs. If you feel a lump under the sweat glands or along the calf, you might have a gun.

RON

Doctor, is there anything I can do to prevent being shot by a bullet?

DR. GIMPLE

Avoid crowded places, Ron, such as post offices, universities and 7-11s. The best thing you can do is stay indoors. But that’s also not a guarantee. People have been known to catch bullets in their homes.

LYDIA

Will washing my hands help?

DR. GIMPLE

Yes.

RON

Dr. Gimple, how do I know if I have been shot with one of these bullets?

DR. GIMPLE

There are some telltale symptoms. Achiness, throbbing pains, light-headedness, unfamiliar holes in your flesh and bleeding.

LYDIA

If I think I’ve been shot, what should I do?

DR. GIMPLE

As quickly as you can, just go home and crawl in to bed. Rest. Drink plenty of liquids. If after a day or two you don’t feel any better, then go see a doctor.

RON

Are gunshot wounds always lethal?

DR. GIMPLE

No, no. Not at all. That’s a common misperception. There are some people who have been shot multiple times with only minor side effects. However, elderly people and infants should try to avoid being around guns as much as possible. They are very susceptible to its ill effects.

LYDIA

Excuse me, doctor. We just got word now that an elementary school student on the south side has just been shot. We’re waiting to receive word on her condition.

DR. GIMPLE

Schools are a virtual breeding ground for bullets. Once one student has been shot, it’s possible more will quickly follow. I wouldn’t be surprised if that school closes its doors and sends everyone home for a day or two.

RON

How serious is this problem, Dr. Gimple? Are we looking at a nationwide pandemic of gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

I don’t think there’s any reason to panic, just yet. Gunshot wounds are a lot more common than you might think. Last year in this country alone over 30,000 people died from common, run-of-the-mill gunshot wounds. They can vary in intensity, which has made it difficult to create an effective vaccine to combat them.

LYDIA

We need to wrap up. Any final words on what our viewers should do about gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMBLE

The very best thing you can do is stay away from bullets.

(They laugh)

LYDIA

You know I will.

RON

Me, too. Thank you, Dr. Gimple.

LYDIA

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

(Blackout)