“Love Birds And Cat Thieves”
Written by Joe Janes
12/23/09
339 of 365
CAST
John, 50s
Roger, late 20s
Belinda, 50s
(Offstage, in the dark, we hear someone pry open a door. Roger, man in dark clothes with a pillowcase and small flashlight enters. He looks around for something of value to steal. He finds some framed pictures on the wall and begins to tear out the photos and put the frames in his sack. The lights come on.)
JOHN (startled)
Oh, Jesus!
ROGER
Stay back or I’ll blow your head off!
JOHN
Okay, okay. Take what you want.
ROGER
I will. I’m going to take these silver picture frames.
JOHN
Oh….
ROGER
What?
JOHN
You probably couldn’t tell with the lights off, but those are pewter.
ROGER
Pewter?
JOHN
I’m sure they’re worth something.
BELINDA (entering)
John… John what’s going on out here? Oh, hello. What’s that man doing with our pictures?
JOHN
Belinda, dear, we’re being robbed.
BELINDA
Why are you stealing our pictures?
ROGER
I’m not. Just the frames. I was going to try to sell them. I thought they were silver.
BELINDA
Oh, no. Not silver. Sorry. Don’t you want the pictures, too?
ROGER
Oh, I thought you would. For sentimental reasons. I don’t need them.
BELINDA
That is so considerate of you.
JOHN
You’re very thoughtful, but (looks at Belinda for approval) it’s okay with us if you keep the pictures in their frames. If that helps their value.
ROGER
I think I’ve changed my mind about your frames. Bust out your jewelry.
JOHN
Well…
BELINDA
We don’t really…
ROGER
Gold. You must have some gold somewhere. A watch, a necklace.
JOHN
We sold all our gold for cash. Like on TV.
BELINDA
We didn’t even need the money.
JOHN
We just wanted to make Glenn Beck happy.
ROGER
Your wedding rings, then. Hand them over.
BELINDA
Oh, dear.
JOHN
This is really embarrassing.
BELINDA
Just costume pieces.
JOHN
We wanted to impress her dad, so we bought these ostentatious pieces of gold-plated crap.
(Roger comes over and looks at her diamond, first hand.)
BELINDA
Cubic zirconium.
JOHN
The best cubic zirconium money can buy. I’m sure you can get a few dollars for it.
(Frustrated, Roger sits down on the couch.)
ROGER
My wife is going to kill me. You guys have such a nice house. How can you not have anything valuable in it?
JOHN
You answered your own question, there.
BELINDA
What money we had, went into the house. It’s an expensive mini-mansion.
JOHN
That plasma TV was a Kwanzaa gift from her father, take it.
BELINDA
Oh, yes. You can have the TV. That’s worth thousands of dollars.
ROGER
I could never carry that. I just get what I can carry in this pillowcase.
(John and Belinda join him on the couch.)
ROGER (continuing)
Cash would work. Where’s your safe?
JOHN
Safe? We turned it into a mini-fridge.
BELINDA
Nothing to keep in it.
ROGER
Then give me whatever you have.
JOHN
I never carry cash.
BELINDA
Just plastic. We can give you our credit cards.
ROGER
Oh, no you don’t. Too easy to close off and too easy to trace when you use it.
JOHN
I know what to do. (John exits, leaving Roger and Belinda alone.)
BELINDA
So, is this like the start of your shift or are you almost done for the evening.
ROGER
I don’t really work a shift. I only make money when I steal something of value.
BELINDA
Oh, like sales. I did telemarketing in college. Hated it.
ROGER
Yeah. It’s tough. My wife used to do this with me-
BELINDA
Oh, how romantic. Love birds by day, cat thieves by night.
Something like that. But now she’s pregnant, she expects me to pick up the slack.
BELINDA
Must be hard with the economy the way it is.
ROGER
Tell her that.
BELINDA
Do you have a card-?
(John re-enters and tears out a check from a checkbook.)
JOHN
Here you go. (Hands it to Roger) A signed, blank check. You fill in the rest. Make it out to “cash” to stay anonymous.
ROGER
Okay. Thanks. I promise I won’t go too crazy with it.
BELINDA
If you get the cash before it clears, who cares?
JOHN
Really, if we don’t care, you shouldn’t either. You take what you need and get something nice for the misses.
ROGER
Well, thanks. I’m sorry I threaten to blow your head off earlier. I don’t even have a gun.
JOHN
Oh, think nothing of it. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.
BELINDA
You get out there and do your family proud.
(Roger unexpectedly hugs them both.)
JOHN
Oh.
BELINDA
This is nice.
JOHN
It is nice.
(Roger finishes hugging them and walks to the door.)
BELINDA
You come by and rob us anytime.
JOHN
We’ll try to get some stuff in here worth stealing.
BELINDA
Small, easy to carry stuff.
(Roger nods, is almost on the verge of tears. He goes to the wall and takes down a small picture.)
ROGER
Can I have this one of the two of you at the beach?
BELINDA
No need to even ask.
JOHN
What’s ours is yours. Take it.
(Roger puts it in his pillowcase and exits.)
BELINDA
What a nice young man.
JOHN
You don’t meet good, decent folk anymore.
(They start to walk off to bed.)
BELINDA
Just goes to show you.
JOHN
You only need to look as far as your own backyard.
BELINDA
I hope he comes back sometime.
JOHN
Me, too. Maybe he’ll bring his wife…
BELINDA
Oh, I forgot to get his card…
(They exit chatting about the nice time they had as lights fade.)
