Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Week 49, Day 339 - "Love Birds and Cat Thieves"

“Love Birds And Cat Thieves”

Written by Joe Janes

12/23/09

339 of 365

CAST

John, 50s

Roger, late 20s

Belinda, 50s

(Offstage, in the dark, we hear someone pry open a door. Roger, man in dark clothes with a pillowcase and small flashlight enters. He looks around for something of value to steal. He finds some framed pictures on the wall and begins to tear out the photos and put the frames in his sack. The lights come on.)

JOHN (startled)

Oh, Jesus!

ROGER

Stay back or I’ll blow your head off!

JOHN

Okay, okay. Take what you want.

ROGER

I will. I’m going to take these silver picture frames.

JOHN

Oh….

ROGER

What?

JOHN

You probably couldn’t tell with the lights off, but those are pewter.

ROGER

Pewter?

JOHN

I’m sure they’re worth something.

BELINDA (entering)

John… John what’s going on out here? Oh, hello. What’s that man doing with our pictures?

JOHN

Belinda, dear, we’re being robbed.

BELINDA

Why are you stealing our pictures?

ROGER

I’m not. Just the frames. I was going to try to sell them. I thought they were silver.

BELINDA

Oh, no. Not silver. Sorry. Don’t you want the pictures, too?

ROGER

Oh, I thought you would. For sentimental reasons. I don’t need them.

BELINDA

That is so considerate of you.

JOHN

You’re very thoughtful, but (looks at Belinda for approval) it’s okay with us if you keep the pictures in their frames. If that helps their value.

ROGER

I think I’ve changed my mind about your frames. Bust out your jewelry.

JOHN

Well…

BELINDA

We don’t really…

ROGER

Gold. You must have some gold somewhere. A watch, a necklace.

JOHN

We sold all our gold for cash. Like on TV.

BELINDA

We didn’t even need the money.

JOHN

We just wanted to make Glenn Beck happy.

ROGER

Your wedding rings, then. Hand them over.

BELINDA

Oh, dear.

JOHN

This is really embarrassing.

BELINDA

Just costume pieces.

JOHN

We wanted to impress her dad, so we bought these ostentatious pieces of gold-plated crap.

(Roger comes over and looks at her diamond, first hand.)

BELINDA

Cubic zirconium.

JOHN

The best cubic zirconium money can buy. I’m sure you can get a few dollars for it.

(Frustrated, Roger sits down on the couch.)

ROGER

My wife is going to kill me. You guys have such a nice house. How can you not have anything valuable in it?

JOHN

You answered your own question, there.

BELINDA

What money we had, went into the house. It’s an expensive mini-mansion.

JOHN

That plasma TV was a Kwanzaa gift from her father, take it.

BELINDA

Oh, yes. You can have the TV. That’s worth thousands of dollars.

ROGER

I could never carry that. I just get what I can carry in this pillowcase.

(John and Belinda join him on the couch.)

ROGER (continuing)

Cash would work. Where’s your safe?

JOHN

Safe? We turned it into a mini-fridge.

BELINDA

Nothing to keep in it.

ROGER

Then give me whatever you have.

JOHN

I never carry cash.

BELINDA

Just plastic. We can give you our credit cards.

ROGER

Oh, no you don’t. Too easy to close off and too easy to trace when you use it.

JOHN

I know what to do. (John exits, leaving Roger and Belinda alone.)

BELINDA

So, is this like the start of your shift or are you almost done for the evening.

ROGER

I don’t really work a shift. I only make money when I steal something of value.

BELINDA

Oh, like sales. I did telemarketing in college. Hated it.

ROGER

Yeah. It’s tough. My wife used to do this with me-

BELINDA

Oh, how romantic. Love birds by day, cat thieves by night.

Something like that. But now she’s pregnant, she expects me to pick up the slack.

BELINDA

Must be hard with the economy the way it is.

ROGER

Tell her that.

BELINDA

Do you have a card-?

(John re-enters and tears out a check from a checkbook.)

JOHN

Here you go. (Hands it to Roger) A signed, blank check. You fill in the rest. Make it out to “cash” to stay anonymous.

ROGER

Okay. Thanks. I promise I won’t go too crazy with it.

BELINDA

If you get the cash before it clears, who cares?

JOHN

Really, if we don’t care, you shouldn’t either. You take what you need and get something nice for the misses.

ROGER

Well, thanks. I’m sorry I threaten to blow your head off earlier. I don’t even have a gun.

JOHN

Oh, think nothing of it. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.

BELINDA

You get out there and do your family proud.

(Roger unexpectedly hugs them both.)

JOHN

Oh.

BELINDA

This is nice.

JOHN

It is nice.

(Roger finishes hugging them and walks to the door.)

BELINDA

You come by and rob us anytime.

JOHN

We’ll try to get some stuff in here worth stealing.

BELINDA

Small, easy to carry stuff.

(Roger nods, is almost on the verge of tears. He goes to the wall and takes down a small picture.)

ROGER

Can I have this one of the two of you at the beach?

BELINDA

No need to even ask.

JOHN

What’s ours is yours. Take it.

(Roger puts it in his pillowcase and exits.)

BELINDA

What a nice young man.

JOHN

You don’t meet good, decent folk anymore.

(They start to walk off to bed.)

BELINDA

Just goes to show you.

JOHN

You only need to look as far as your own backyard.

BELINDA

I hope he comes back sometime.

JOHN

Me, too. Maybe he’ll bring his wife…

BELINDA

Oh, I forgot to get his card…

(They exit chatting about the nice time they had as lights fade.)