Written by Joe Janes
3/20/09
61 of 365
CAST:
Dracula, immortal
Jill, 20s
Steve, 20s
(Lights up on a man in tuxedo and cape dragging a coffin across the stage. He plops it down in front of Jill, a young woman in khakis and a polo shirt.)
DRACULA
Good evening.JILL
Welcome to CoffinMax.DRACULA
How much will you give me for this casket?JILL
We’ll have one of our experts check it out. (Steve, also in khakis and polo, comes out with a clipboard and begins inspecting the coffin.) Are you interested in getting a new one?DRACULA
I am. I would like something a little sportier.JILL
We have something right over here, I think you’ll like. Bronze. Waterproof. Good in all types of weather and all types of soil. Adjustable bed and mattress-DRACULA
Adjustable? Oh, that’s good. That one was murder on my back.JILL
Cherry finish, automatic locks, stereo…DRACULA
Will it play my subliminal audiocassettes? I’m trying to lose weight.JILL
Cassettes and CDs. It’s heated.DRACULA
Really? Heated. This cape is just for show. I can never get them warm enough on those cold winter days. Especially my toes.JILL
This ought to do it. You can direct the heat right at y our feet.DRACULA
I can finally get rid of that ratty old afghan.JILL
It also has an alarm and OnStar. It will call the police if someone tries to break in.DRACULA
Suck on that, Van Helsing.JILL
And it’s gently used. Previous owner only had it for a month.DRACULA
Seems too good to be true. What happened to the previous owner? (Holds out his hand like he might hypnotize her) Be honest.JILL
Voodoo curse. Turned into a zombie. Just didn’t need it anymore. DRACULA
I’ll take it.JILL
And we’ll deduct the value of your trade-in. (Steve hands him a check.)DRACULA
What the hell?STEVE
It’s really old.DRACULA
It’s really antique.STEVE
The wood was warped. Chipped in some places. Looks like someone tried to pry it open with a crow bar at some time. And it had dirt in it.DRACULA
Soil from my homeland, asshole. It will come out with a dustbuster.STEVE
It’s the best we can do.DRACULA
Screw this!(Dracula snaps Steve’s neck. He goes after Jill who breaks out a crucifix on him. He recoils.)
JILL
Take your piece of junk and go. (Dracula curses in Romanian and drags his coffin offstage.) CoffinMax – The way coffin buying ought to be. Sans vampires.(Blackout.)
