Written by Joe Janes
61 of 365
(Lights up on a man in tuxedo and cape dragging a coffin across the stage. He plops it down in front of Jill, a young woman in khakis and a polo shirt.)
JILLWelcome to CoffinMax.
DRACULAHow much will you give me for this casket?
JILLWe’ll have one of our experts check it out. (Steve, also in khakis and polo, comes out with a clipboard and begins inspecting the coffin.) Are you interested in getting a new one?
DRACULAI am. I would like something a little sportier.
JILLWe have something right over here, I think you’ll like. Bronze. Waterproof. Good in all types of weather and all types of soil. Adjustable bed and mattress-
DRACULAAdjustable? Oh, that’s good. That one was murder on my back.
JILLCherry finish, automatic locks, stereo…
DRACULAWill it play my subliminal audiocassettes? I’m trying to lose weight.
JILLCassettes and CDs. It’s heated.
DRACULAReally? Heated. This cape is just for show. I can never get them warm enough on those cold winter days. Especially my toes.
JILLThis ought to do it. You can direct the heat right at y our feet.
DRACULAI can finally get rid of that ratty old afghan.
JILLIt also has an alarm and OnStar. It will call the police if someone tries to break in.
DRACULASuck on that, Van Helsing.
JILLAnd it’s gently used. Previous owner only had it for a month.
DRACULASeems too good to be true. What happened to the previous owner? (Holds out his hand like he might hypnotize her) Be honest.
JILLVoodoo curse. Turned into a zombie. Just didn’t need it anymore.
DRACULAI’ll take it.
JILLAnd we’ll deduct the value of your trade-in. (Steve hands him a check.)
DRACULAWhat the hell?
STEVEIt’s really old.
DRACULAIt’s really antique.
STEVEThe wood was warped. Chipped in some places. Looks like someone tried to pry it open with a crow bar at some time. And it had dirt in it.
DRACULASoil from my homeland, asshole. It will come out with a dustbuster.
STEVEIt’s the best we can do.
(Dracula snaps Steve’s neck. He goes after Jill who breaks out a crucifix on him. He recoils.)
JILLTake your piece of junk and go. (Dracula curses in Romanian and drags his coffin offstage.) CoffinMax – The way coffin buying ought to be. Sans vampires.