Written by Joe Janes
138 of 365
(Lights up on Marissa and Janey decorating a large wedding cake. Janey is humming/singing “The Wedding Song.”)
JANEYYou don’t like my singing?
MARISSAIt’s like two people walking on concrete.
JANEYOh…Okay…Concrete is now thick shag carpeting. ….This wedding cake is so beautiful, Marissa. It’s one of the best ones you’ve ever done.
JANEYYou’re so good at marzipan flowers. I want to pick these and put them in water. Shame someone’s going to take a knife to this tomorrow.
MARISSAI guess when you get down to it; it’s just a cake. You buy it. You eat it. May as well be a sheet cake from the grocery store.
JANEYNonsense, this is a Marissa Cake from the Fascination Street Bakery. This could be a big shapeless glob and it would still taste better and look better than most cakes on the planet.
MARISSAJaney, look. I appreciate what you’re trying to do-
JANEYWhat am I trying to do?
MARISSABlow sunshine up my ass.
JANEYIf I were trying to blow sunshine up your ass, I’d grab a blowtorch because I’d need it to defrost that anus iceberg. You’re good at what you do. Live with it. …This is your 1,000th wedding cake.
MARISSAI know. I know it is.
JANEYFor most people, that would be a reason to celebrate.
MARISSAI don’t feel like celebrating. It makes me feel like a travel agent that never goes anywhere.
MARISSAI make wedding cakes. Lots of them. I’ve never walked down the aisle. Not even close. I’m always in the banquet hall. Every guy I’ve gone out with didn’t appreciate what I do here. They think it’s just a job, not a career. Face it, I’m going to die old and alone making weddings cakes till I die. It’s like a punishment. Some sort of gypsy curse.
JANEYYou just need to get out and meet more people, Marissa. Men people.
MARISSAFascination Street is 24/7. When I’m not here, I’m thinking about here. The only guys I’ll ever meet are already spoken for.
JANEYYou give me one night and I’ll get you out there meeting single guys.
JANEYA step up from meeting little guys in tuxedos with their feet stuck in frosting.
(Todd and Bonnie enter.)
BONNIEHello… Hi. We stopped by to check on the cake.
JANEYHere it is. Come take a look.
MARISSAWe’re still putting on the finishing touches, Bonnie.
BONNIE (tearing up)It’s so beautiful. Todd, it’s so beautiful.
TODDThose flowers are amazing. I want to pick them and put them in water.
JANEYI told her the same thing.
BONNIEThis is my man.
TODDI’m her man. You know, you hear about how the groom doesn’t really care about the details, like the cake, and that’s absolutely true-
TODDBut this cake. It’s stunning. It’s a masterpiece. It should be in an art museum.
MARISSAWow. You really like it.
TODDLike it. I love it. Anyone who can create something like this, is, well, a very special person.
BONNIEHe’s right. You’re amazing, Marissa. You are so gifted. Whatever my father is paying you, he should double it.
JANEYYou guys are really making Marissa’s day.
JANEYJaney. Marissa’s assistant.
(Janey holds out her hand. Todd ignores it.)
TODDI’ve always told Bonnie that I wanted to marry an artist that she should look out. If I meet an artist, I’m outta here. Even after were hitched.
BONNIEYou know, I tell him the same thing. But I’m more specific. It’s Huey Lewis. It used to be George Michael, but then he got arrested. Seemed my chances got slimmer. I would leave in a minute for Huey Lewis. I don’t care how old he is.
TODDWe had a long talk the night I proposed. We are totally devoted to one another’s happiness.
BONNIEAbsolutely true. I told Todd; if he ever met someone he thought would make him happier, go for it.
TODDDitto from me, too, baby. Marissa, would you marry me?
JANEYHey, whoa. Todd. Bonnie?
TODDBonnie, I’m sorry. But I think I would be happier married to Marissa. She’s an artist. So soulful. I really appreciate what you create. Marissa, I want to strip naked and dance in your layer cake. Can I have my ring back?
BONNIENo. I think we should talk about this. We have a wedding tomorrow. People are coming in from out of state.
TODDGive them this cake. They don’t deserve it. No human being on the planet deserves something this pure. But it will shut them up. One bite of this ambrosia and they’ll forget why they came.
MARISSATodd, you’re kidding, right? You don’t know me. You’re already engaged.
TODDI know you. I know your art. I cannot live the rest of my life always wondering, Marissa.
BONNIEI hate this cake!
(Bonnie garbs a knife and is about to drive it into the cake.)
TODD AND JANEY AND MARISSANooooo!!!!!!
BONNIEI-I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It’s so wonderful. It would be like destroying the last dinosaur with my own hands. A pretty dinosaur. A pretty, pretty dinosaur.
(Bonnie collapses on the floor. Janey hands her some Kleenex. Todd and Janey help her back up.)
TODDI better take Bonnie out of here. Think about what I said, Marissa. Will you? Please? Can I tear me off a piece of your Kleenex? (He does and writes his number on it) This is my number. Tell me you’ll consider it.
MARISSAI think that would be very unprofessional of me.
TODDTry to let me know before two o’clock. After two o’clock, we’ll have to have a torrid affair until Bonnie and I can get a divorce.
(Todd walks Bonnie out of the store, but not before giving Marissa a “call me” gesture. Janey and Marissa stand looking at each other dumbfounded.)
MARISSAI think we’re done for today.
JANEYThat was so weird. But how awesome for you and how horrible for Bonnie and Todd’s right, but insane. Don’t call him. Ever.
(She throws the number in the trash.)
JANEYOkay. Hey, I’m meeting some friends at High Tops. Come on out. We’ll get our drink on and the drunk guys won’t seem so drunk.
MARISSASure. Maybe I will.
(Janey exits as Marissa takes off her apron and puts a few things away. Marissa picks up a big knife and considers slashing the wedding cake. She does not. She walks to the door, turns, and takes one last look. Turns off the lights and leaves. Blackout.)