Written by Joe Janes
1/23/09
5 of 365
CAST:
Don – 40s
Maureen – 40s
Brian – 30s
Stephanie – 30s
Jake – 20s
Cara – 20s
VO - female
(Lights up on three couples seated in pairs around the stage. Instead of facing one another, they face out, although in the “reality” of the scene, they are seated directly across from one another. Don is seated next to Cara, Brian is seated next to Stephanie, and Jake is seated next to Maureen. They all wear nametags.)
VO
Good evening and welcome, singles. (No response) I said, welcome, singles! (Couples start applauding; Jake and Cara actually provide enthusiastic hooting noises) Welcome to Chi-Town Speed Daters. First, let’s make sure everyone is in their right age group. On the main floor we have people in the 20s. On the mezzanine, we have people in their 30s and in the back of the balcony we have everyone over 40. If you are not in the right age category, please move to the right one now. (The couples look around.) I repeat; if you are not in the appropriate age category, please move…now, lady. (Maureen gets up, quickly scribbles her number on a cocktail napkin and hands it to Jake with a pantomimed “call me.” She walks over to Don and Cara and “thumbs” Cara to take a hike. Don quickly hands Cara a business card. Cara takes her place next to Jake as Maureen sits down next to Don with Maureen and Don looking a bit unhappy about it.) Thank you. You now have two minutes to get to know the person sitting across from you. Go (a loud air horn blows, everyone jumps a bit from being startled).(When the different couples speak, stage lights highlight their area of the stage.)
JAKE
So, Cara. You like to party?CARA
OMG, I love to party.BRIAN
So, you look nice.STEPHANIE
Let’s cut through the crap here, Brian. What do you do for a living?MAUREEN
I’ve had two divorces.DON
Hey, me, too. You weren’t one of them, were you? (He laughs. She doesn’t.)CARA
I went to the University of Illinois. Go Illini! Woo! My degree’s in communications.JAKE
Me, too. I went to DePaul.CARA
Oh. Okay.STEPHANIE
I want three children.BRIAN
Me, too. I love kids.STEPHANIE
Can you afford them?BRIAN
What?STEPHANIE
Kids are expensive. Can you afford one, let alone three?BRIAN
I have a job… and a dog…?DON
I hate getting older, don’t you?MAUREEN
The bitch of it is, I don’t feel any older, upstairs. It’s the body that occasionally needs patchwork.DON
I know exactly what you mean. MAUREEN
My feet hurt more than they ever have. You can’t tell. I don’t think you can tell. My high heels have gel inserts.DON
Me, too. In my loafers. Dr. Scholl should be the Surgeon General. So many little aches and pains and you never know which ones going to turn out to be cancer. Am I right?JAKE
I don’t read books.CARA
I hate books!DON
I did something the other day I thought I would never, ever do. I bought a tube of Preparation H. I know! I was embarrassed. I haven’t felt like that in a drug store since I bought condoms as a teenager. And Preparation H? It’s exactly what you think it is and you put it on exactly the way you think you would. (He shudders)MAUREEN
I use it under my eyes. (He looks at her oddly)BRIAN
He’s a doctor. Doctor Who. I watch it because I like it…?STEPHANIE
Is it about oriental medicine?BRIAN
No.Don
I peed blood once. It was like I was menstruating. Now, I know what you women go through.STEPHANIE
The last guy I dated sent me a picture of his penis – on my cell phone! One – who does that? And two – a flaccid penis?BRIAN
Maybe his penis was sad.CARA
My hobbies are partying, working out and wearing thongs.JAKE
Me, too!DON
It’s not that I pee a lot; it’s just that I feel like I have to pee a lot.STEPHANIE
I just don’t want another freeloader. If I wanted that, I’d date a hobo.CARA
I can’t believe I’m here.JAKE
I can’t believe you’re here, either. You’re hot.BRIAN
I can’t believe I’m here.(Stephanie sighs and looks at her cell phone)
MAUREEN
I can’t believe I’m here.DON
I know exactly how you feel.MAUREEN
Don, I’m really not interested in getting a third divorce.DON
Still paying for my last two.MAUREEN
I don’t expect to meet “the one” here.DON
It would be nice, though, wouldn’t it?MAUREEN
I’ll settle for a friend.DON
That would be nice, too.CARA
Hey, Jake, let’s bail on these losers and go do shots at the bar.JAKE
I’m buying.CARA
D’uh.(They exit. Lights up on Brian and Stephanie sitting in silence, glowering. Loud air horn blares, again, and everyone is startled.)
VO
All right, singles. Grab your stuff. It’s time to move on.(Lights fade)
