Week 52, Day 359 - "Pigeon"

“Pigeon”

Written by Joe Janes

1/12/10

359 of 365

CAST:

Frank, 30s

Tom, 70s

Cop, 40s

Four homeless people, various ages

Four elderly people, 70s

(Lights up on a park bench. We hear the sound of pigeons cooing. Frank, a homeless man, is sifting through a garbage can. Tom, an elderly man, enters with a paper bag and sits down. Frank sees him and holds out his hand. Tom shrugs as if to say he has nothing. Tom sits on the bench and starts feeding the pigeons bread crumbs from the bag. Frank notices this. A cop enters.)

COP

Sir, please don’t feed the pigeons.

TOM

But-

COP

Pigeons are known to carry disease and their droppings are both noxious and unsightly. If you feed them, more of them will show up and we will have more pigeons than this park can handle.

(Tom nods and folds the paper bag closed. The pigeon sounds fade. The cop exits.)

FRANK

Hey, Mister. Can you help a guy out?

(Tom thinks for a moment and starts throwing breadcrumbs at Frank, who catches them in his mouth. Four other homeless people appear from various directions and starts begging for crumbs. Tom obliges them. The cop re-enters.)

COP

Sir!

(Tom folds the bag closed. The homeless people all sulk away. The cop is satisfied and exits. Tom sits looking lonely. He opens the bag and nibbles on a crouton. Suddenly, four other elderly people appear out of nowhere, all dressed similarly to Tom.)

COP (offstage)

Sir!

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 338 - "American Guitar Hero"

“American Guitar Hero”

Written by Joe Janes

12/22/09

338 of 365

Cast:

Dean, 12

Bruce, 50s

Kelly, 30s

(Lights up on Kelly sitting at a dinner table paying the bills. Dean enters. He is an awkward little boy with a “Hello Kitty” book bag. He gives his mom a kiss on the cheek.)

DEAN

Hi, Mom.

KELLY

Hey, Dean. How was school, today?

DEAN

It was all right.

KELLY

Getting better?

DEAN

Yeah, I guess.

KELLY

Enough with these bills. I’ll go get dinner started for us.

(She starts to exits.)

DEAN

Hey, Mom. You know you said I could invite a friend over after school some time?

KELLY (excited)

Yes. Did you make a friend?

DEAN

Yeah. Can I invite him in to play Guitar Hero?

KELLY

Sure! Sure, bring him in. I’ll get you some snacks and juice boxes. I knew things would work out.

(She exits. Dean opens the front door.)

DEAN

Hey, Bruce. I told you she would say okay.

(Bruce enters. He is a homeless vet in his 50s with a makeshift cardboard sign that says “Help A Homeless Vet.” He walks with a noticeable limp.)

BRUCE

Okay, kid. As long as it’s cool. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Got any food?

DEAN

Mom’s getting us some snacks.

BRUCE

Good. Good. Snacks are good. Nice place you got here.

DEAN (setting up Guitar Hero)

Thanks. Mom doesn’t like it. It’s smaller than our old place. Do you like Guitar Hero? You wanna play? I only have one guitar, but you can play it.

(Dean hands Bruce the guitar.)

BRUCE

An axe. Get ready for some thunder. Uh, there’s something wrong with your guitar here.

DEAN

No, no. It’s right. You hit the right colored button when you see it on the screen.

(A Fleetwood Mac song starts to play, something like “Go Your Own Way.” Bruce tries and messes it up. He hands it back to the kid.)

BRUCE

I don’t think I like this game.

DEAN

You just need more practice. I’ve played it a lot.

(Dean shows him and does really well.)

BRUCE

You’ve played that thing a lot.

DEAN

Yeah. I don’t have any friends.

BRUCE

You know, for all the time you put in to learnt to play that thing, you could have learnt to play a guitar. A real one.

(Kelly enters.)

KELLY

Dean, I have grape juice box and an apple. Which one does your friend- Who the fuck are you?

DEAN

Mom! Language!

BRUCE

Ma’am, it’s cool.

KELLY

It is not cool. Get the hell out of my house.

DEAN

Mom!

BRUCE

The boy invited me in. I don’t mean any harm. He said it was okay.

DEAN

He’s my friend.

KELLY

No, he’s not. When you said you brought home a friend, I thought you meant a classmate. Someone your age. He’s some homeless man. He doesn’t belong here.

BRUCE

I’ll be on my way-

DEAN

Can’t he stay, Mom? Please. We were playing.

KELLY

Playing what?

DEAN

Guitar Hero.

BRUCE

I was losing.

KELLY

You need to leave before I call the police.

BRUCE

No need. No need. Like I said, the kid invited me. I thought it was cool.

KELLY (seeing the sign)

Are you really a vet?

BRUCE

Yes, ma’am. Served in Afghanistan and Iraq. Back when it in vogue.

KELLY

Oh.

DEAN

My dad was in Iraq. He’s a hero.

BRUCE

Oh. That’s great. Where is he now?

KELLY

He’s not coming home.

BRUCE

I see. (Pause) Hey, look. I’ll get out of your hair, here. But, since you were willing to part with one of those juice boxes any way, do you mind?

KELLY

Oh, sure. Uh, grape or apple?

BRUCE

Grape sounds just about right.

(She hands it to him.)

KELLY

How on earth did you meet my son?

BRUCE

Oh, some kids were bugging him. I told them to skedaddle.

KELLY

Oh, Dean. You were being picked on, again.

DEAN

Yeah. They were playing keep away with my book bag.

KELLY

I’m going to call that principal, again.

DEAN

No, Mom. Please don’t do that.

BRUCE

If I may, Ma’am. I think you’ll greatly reduce little Dean’s potential of getting picked upon if you just get him a different bag.

KELLY

But he loves kitty cats.

BRUCE

Sure. Who don’t? But a boy at his age at school, that makes him a big target for bullies. I’d get him something a little more manly.

DEAN

Puppy dogs?

BRUCE

Don’t you like G.I. Joe or something like that?

DEAN

My mom and I don’t like violence.

BRUCE

Hey, what do I know? (He opens the door and gets ready to leave.) Tell you what, though. I’m always at the corner near the McDonald’s where all the kids walk by afterschool. I’ll keep an eye out for Dean. Make sure he gets home, okay.

KELLY

Thanks, Bruce.

BRUCE

Be a good soldier, like your dad, Dean. (He salutes Dean who salutes him back in a very effeminate way. Bruce shakes his head.) The next time someone plays keep away with that book bag, let ‘em keep it. That’ll show ‘em. (He exits.)

DEAN

Don’t you think he’d make a good friend, Mom?

KELLY

He makes a good person to know. How about that? Now, let’s see if we can get that smell out of the living room.

DEAN

Yay, Febreez!

(Dean runs off. Kelly looks concerned. Blackout.)

Week 42, Day 294 - "Three Wishes"

“Three Wishes”

Written by Joe Janes

11/08/09

294 of 365

CAST:

Reggie, 50s

Genie, ??

(Lights up on Reggie, a homeless man in an overcoat, foraging for food in an alley. He finds a soda bottle with some cola in it. He opens it and swigs down the last of it. He holds his jaw. He has a toothache and is in severe pain. He goes back to foraging and finds a very ornate bottle, much like a Crown Royal bottle. He opens the cap. There’s thunder and smoke and lightning and a genie appears. He holds out three fingers. Reggie holds out three fingers and is very excited. He thinks and thinks and then realizes, of course, his tooth! The genie nods, makes a grand gesture and, voila, his tooth is all better. Yay! He’s very happy about this. The genie reminds him that he has two more wishes left. Reggie thinks. He smells something. Hmmm, it’s him. He looks at the genie. The genie makes a grand gesture. Reggie notices something different. He peels off his overcoat revealing a crisp white leisure suit. He is very, very happy about this. The genie reminds him that he has one final wish. Reggie thinks hard about this. He is tormented by the decision. He has one…no, no, no, no… Now, he’s got the right one… um, no, not that one… The genie is getting impatient. Reggie finally has it. He makes a heart-shape sign with his fingers. The genie shrugs, makes a grand gesture, reaches into his pocket and hands Reggie a full bottle of Crown Royal. Reggie is elated. He thanks the genie. Some thunder, smoke and lightning later, the genie has left. Reggie can’t open the bottle. He bites the cap and we hear a crack. A broken tooth sends him into extreme pain. Blackout.)

Week 42, Day 293 - "Lake Rood"

“Lake Rood”

Written by Joe Janes

11/7/09

293 of 365

CAST

Theodore, 50s

Jeff, 30s

Pooper, ??

(Lights up on Theodore, a homeless man, rummaging through alley dumpsters looking for food. He comes across a framed painting.)

THEODORE

Lovely day for shopping at the local market. Hello, Mabel, how are you? How’s Vern? How are the kids? Why, no, I did not hear about Peter? Really? What a rascal! Well, she’s better off, let me tell you…Hello? What’s this? Somebody painted this. Somebody painted this, stuck it in a frame and someone threw it out in the trash. Looks like a train. Or a mill.

(Jeff walks by with his dog.)

THEODORE

Hey, mister. Got any change?

JEFF

No, Theodore. Not tonight. Just out walking my dog.

THEODORE

Yeah, yeah. Jeff, right? And his wonder mutt. Hey, you like art? You look like an art man to me. Or maybe your wife. Or your dog.

JEFF

What did you find there?

THEODORE

A painting. Look. I think it’s a train. Or a mill.

JEFF

Or a serene lake in autumn as if you were looking from the front porch of your father’s cabin where he died.

THEODORE

I suppose we all see what we want to see. That’s the point of art, right? Give it to you for ten bucks. You want to buy it?

JEFF

No. I want to strangle my wife.

THEODORE

That’s twenty. Cash only.

JEFF

I painted this. This is where I used to go as a kid with my dad. Lake Rood. R-o-o-d.

THEODORE

I know how to spell. Well, Jeff, I can see it has sentimental value. You can talk me down on the price.

JEFF

I don’t understand why Lacey threw it out. She knew it meant something to me. She never said anything bad about it, ever. It’s been on the wall above our sofa for years. Years. Longer than we’ve owned…him. (indicates the dog)

THEODORE

Guess that’s why I never got married. That and I’ve been told I have an aroma women find unattractive. Not a good one. Sort of like baby powder and vomit.

JEFF

I’ve never done anything bad to anything she owns.

THEODORE

Want me to see what I can get for it and give you a cut?

JEFF

This is her dog, too. I walk him every night. I do. Rain or no rain. She named him Pooper. Such a horrible name. I’m embarrassed to call him.

THEODORE

Pooper. That’s bad. It’s one thing if you gain a name like that as a nickname, but to intentionally be named that. Hey, Fuck Box! (Jeff looks at him.) That’s the last name someone called me. I deserved it for reasons I wish not to go into. I’m glad it didn’t stick.

JEFF

Oh, and look. It has a scratch in it. And some grape jelly.

(Theodore looks at the painting and licks off the jelly.)

THEODORE

You should get back at her.

JEFF

You’re right. I should. Here.

(He hands Theodore Pooper’s leash.)

THEODORE

Whoa, man. A dog? What am I going to do with a dog? I can’t even feed myself.

JEFF

Eat it. I don’t care. It’s not my dog. But I want my painting. My house, my painting. It goes where I say it goes. I’ll tell Lacey I traded the dog to get my painting back. That will serve her right.

(Theodore hands him the painting.)

THEODORE

Okay. I can probably get more money for, uh, man, I have to give him another name.

JEFF

Do that. He’ll be thankful.

(Jeff exits with the painting. Theodore sits Pooper down.)

THEODORE

Sit…Petey…Butch…Yeller…Fuck Box… (This last name excites Pooper.) Oh, you like that name. Okay, then, from this day forward you shall be known as Fuck Box. Let’s see if we can find us both some food, because if we don’t, that hind leg of yours is looking delish. That’s right, delish. I’m fancy.

(They walk off together as lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 259 - "Give A Little"

“Give A Little”

Written by Joe Janes

10/4/09

259 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 30s

Whit, 30s

David. 30s

Alice, 30s

Anthony, 30s

(This is a silent scene done to light upbeat instrumental music. Lights up on Andrew, casually dressed, walking down the street. He sees Anthony sucking on a soda with a burger in his hand. Whit, a homeless guy, approaches Anthony with is hand out. Anthony hands Whit the soda which Whit discovers is empty. Anthony laughs, flips off Whit and walks off. Whit throws the soda cup down on the ground. Andrew walks up to Whit. He reaches into his pocket and hands an appreciative Whit a quarter. Whit exits. Andrew continues and encounters David, another homeless man, but more poorly dressed. David has his hand out. Andrew reaches into his pockets, but comes up empty. He pulls out his wallet and hands David a one-dollar bill. An appreciative David shakes Andrews hand in thanks and exits. Andrew continues and encounters Alice, a very homeless person seated on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign that says please help. Andrew pats his pockets as if to say “sorry.” He pulls out his wallet and shows her that it is empty. She reaches into the wallet and pulls out a credit card. She moves her sign and reveals a small machine she uses to scan the credit card. She does it again. There’s clearly something wrong. She tries it one more time. She shakes her head at Andrew. She takes a pair of scissors out of her pockets and cuts up the card in front of Andrew. Alice shoos him away. Andrew walks off. He sees the soda cup on the ground and picks it up. He uses it to start begging for change. Whit comes out eating a burger and drinking a soda. He sees Andrew. Andrew holds his cup out to him. Whit takes a big bite out of his burger and stuffs the remaining sandwich into Andrew’s cup. Whit walks off. Andrew starts picking at the sandwich and eating it. Lights fade,)

Week 34, Day 236 - “A Penny Saved”

“A Penny Saved”

Written by Joe Janes

9/11/09

236 of 365

CAST

John, 20s

Linda, 20s

Karen, 40s

Ted, 50s

Janice, 30s

(Lights up on John and Linda walking holding hands along an urban street.)

JOHN

I love having the afternoon off.

LINDA

Me, too. I wish we could afford a whole weekend getaway.

JOHN

Well, we might just be a small step closer to fulfilling your wish. Look. A penny.

(John bends to pick it up, Linda stops him.)

LINDA

No, don’t.

JOHN

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll have good luck.

LINDA

Not when it’s tails up.

JOHN

What does that matter? A penny’s a penny.

LINDA

Heads up is good luck. Tails up is bad luck. John, really, let’s keep walking.

JOHN

We’re just talking about a penny. The lowest coin on the currency food chain doesn’t get to determine my good or bad fortune. At the very least, it’s good luck, because I’ll be a penny richer than I was before. It’s not much, but it’s a point in the right direction.

LINDA

My mom always told me upside down pennies are a message from someone from the spirit world. Like a dead grandma or something. Heads up means they are with you and looking out for you. Heads down, and they have an issue with you.

JOHN

Are you saying my dead grandmother has a problem with me?

LINDA

Maybe? I never met her.

JOHN

Maybe her problem is with you?

LINDA

Why would your dead grandmother have a problem with me? I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

JOHN

So you say. Maybe there’s something you’re not telling me. I pick up the penny, I’ll find out about it and be devastated, but if I don’t pick up the penny, I may never find out.

LINDA

That’s ridiculous. It is, as you said, just a penny. We could walk away from it. Who cares about being a penny richer?

(Karen, a homeless person, walks up to them.)

KAREN

Excuse me. I lost my job and am homeless. Can you help me out? I’m trying to get something to eat.

LINDA

There’s a penny here on the sidewalk.

(Karen shrugs and picks it up. Ted, a well-dressed businessman enters followed by Janice, his assistant.

TED

Excuse me. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I really need a penny. I don’t carry any cash, coins, especially, offend the lining of my pockets, and I just made a bet with another playboy billionaire about whether or not a pigeon in the street would actually peck at the remains of a car-flattened dead pigeon. It did, the filthy cannibal. So, I owe him a penny. If I don’t pay up in the next five minutes, as per our rules, the debt goes up to a million. I know, I know, boys will be boys, right? So, any way, if you have a penny, I will gladly have my secretary write you a check for one thousand dollars.

KAREN

Here you go.

(Karen hands Ted a penny, Janice hands Karen a check for one thousand dollars.)

JANICE

It’s made out to “cash.”

TED (kisses Karen)

Thank you. You have made my day!

KAREN

You made mine, too.

(Ted and Janice exit. Karen turns and smiles at John and Linda.)

KAREN (continuing)

Thanks for the penny.

(She exits. John looks at Karen.)

JOHN

My dead grandmother was right about you.

(He exits. Blackout)

Week 26, Day 179 - “Never Been Ruffied”

“Never Been Ruffied”
Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)

CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s

(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)

WILLIAM

Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?

VALERIE

Oh, you know…

WILLIAM

What’s wrong, Valerie?

VALERIE

Blair didn’t come in to work today.

WILLIAM

Oh. Everything all right?

VALERIE

She got ruffied over the weekend.

WILLIAM

That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?

VALERIE

I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?

WILLIAM

Not really. In college, I heard about-

VALERIE

Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.

WILLIAM

It’s a fucked up world.

VALERIE

What’s wrong with me?

WILLIAM

Nothing. You’re perfect.

VALERIE

You’re just saying that because you love me.

WILLIAM

Sorry.

VALERIE

Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.

WILLIAM

Valerie…

VALERIE

Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.

WILLIAM

I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.

VALERIE

Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.

VALERIE

You don’t know what it’s like.

WILLIAM

You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.

VALERIE

William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.

WILLIAM

Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.

VALERIE

Man or woman?

WILLIAM

Both. Same train ride.

VALERIE

I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.

WILLIAM

Would you like me to rub up against you?

VALERIE

You don’t count.

WILLIAM

Thanks.

VALERIE

I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.

WILLIAM

You really want something like that?

VALERIE

At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.

(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)

VALERIE (continuing)

That is so sweet.

(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)

HOMELESS GUY

It’s on me.

VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)

Ew!

(Blackout)

Week 17, Day 117 - "Problem Solved"

“Problem Solved”
Written by Joe Janes
117 of 365
5/15/09

CAST:
The President
Roger, Reporter 1
Allen, Reporter 2
Doris, Reporter 3

(Lights up on a podium. Reporters are milling about, chatting with one another. The president enters and walks to the podium, everyone quickly sits and quiets down.)

PRESIDENT

Ladies and gentlemen of the press. I am excited to announce to you, that after weeks of long days and late nights, very in depth, sometimes intense, bi-partisan negotiations, congress has come up with a bill that solves all of the healthcare issues in this great country of ours. And I will be signing that bill into law tomorrow morning.

REPORTER 1

Mr. President, exactly how is this plan going to handle the skyrocketing costs of medical care in this country?

PRESIDENT

Excellent question, Roger. The health insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies have committed themselves to reducing the costs of their products and services by three trillion dollars over the course ten years. This will make healthcare more affordable.

REPORTER 2

More affordable doesn’t necessarily guarantee the 50 million people currently uninsured will be able to pay for it.

PRESIDENT

Ah, but here’s the beauty of our new plan. Every man, woman and child in this nation will have health insurance. They will definitely have health insurance because this new law makes it required.

REPORTER 2

Come again?

PRESIDENT

Just like you are required to have auto insurance to drive your car, every American will be required to have health insurance to live in their body.

REPORTER 3

But, Mr. President, there are people out there who drive their cars without being insured.

PRESIDENT

And those people are breaking the law.

REPORTER 1

Mr. President, people are losing their jobs and their homes. There’s bound to be people who cannot afford health insurance. This must have been taken into consideration.

PRESIDENT

It was, indeed. We are a compassionate government. If you are unable to cover the costs of your health insurance you have two options – military service or we put you into a residence that covers all your day-to-day living needs. These facilities are already in every county in the nation.

REPORTER 2

You mean prisons?

PRESIDENT

We prefer to call them temporary detention centers. So, as you can see, the rampant lack of healthcare issue is solved.

REPORTER 2

Because it will be required.

PRESIDENT

Precisely.

REPORTER 3

So, the insurance companies and pharmaceuticals aren’t really losing any money in the long run.

PRESIDENT

How do you figure that? Are you some kind of mathematician?

REPORTER 3

I have a calculator on my phone. 50 million people paying, well, let’s say, what a single middle-aged writer working two part-time jobs as a teacher might pay, 235 a month, well, that brings in 11 billion, 750 million dollars a month. And that’s if he doesn’t use the insurance. As he gets older, the price will go up, as well. The companies will make their 3 trillion back very quickly.

PRESIDENT

I think you’re missing the bigger picture here, Doris. Everyone will be insured.

REPORTER 3

Or go to jail.

PRESIDENT

Or the military. We have plans to extend our operations in the Middle East to accommodate more servicemen and women. We think this is an exciting new approach never done in Washington before. We have plans to apply this to other issues.

REPORTER 1

Unemployment?

PRESIDENT

You will see the unemployment rate dwindle down to zero once we make being employed a requirement.

REPORTER 2

Homelessness?

PRESIDENT

People will be required to sleep indoors in their own beds. Illegal immigrants will be required to become legal immigrants. Everyone will need to carry a firearm starting Monday and everyone will be required to smoke, just not in public. Except in Kentucky which will be designated a smoking area for the nation.

REPORTER 3

Abortion?

PRESIDENT

Required. For every man, woman and child.

REPORTER 1

This “required” way of running the country – How will we see it affect our educational system?

PRESIDENT

From now on, by law, teachers will be required to teach in classrooms and preachers will be required to preach in churches. No crossovers.

REPORTER 2

Well, that’s one good thing.

PRESIDENT

Now, if there are no further questions, my cabinet and I must resume our research on requiring medical marijuana. For everybody. (He mimes toking on a joint) Goodnight.

(Some Hendrix plays. Blackout.)

Week 17, Day 114 - "Smile"

“Smile”
Written by Joe Janes
5/12/09
114 of 365

CAST:
Rick, 40s
Tammy, 20s
Hilary, 20s
Chester, 60s
Phyllis, 20s
Hubert the Homeless Guy, 30s

(Lights up on Rick sitting on a commuter train in the morning. The train has stopped and people are getting on. He is smiling and trying to make eye contact with people. Chester walks by, ignoring him, and sits. Phyllis walks by, ignoring him, and sits. Hilary gets on, notices him, and sits down not far from him. He is still smiling at her. She smiles back.)

RICK (relieved)

Oh, thank you!

HILARY

Do we know each other?

RICK

No. Not at all.

HILLARY

You were smiling at me like you knew me.

RICK

Was I? I was just smiling at you.

HILARY

Oh.

RICK

I ride this train every day. People plug in to their iPods and their newspapers and everyone avoids eye contact and just simply chatting with one another.

HILARY

Yep. (Looks around, notices others doing what he said, takes out her iPod.) That was my game plan.

RICK

I did the math. I spend two hours a day on the train during the week. Ten hours a week, Forty hours a month, see where I’m going?

HILARY

480 hours a year.

RICK

Probably a little less with sick days and holidays. But it’s more time than I spend with my family.

HILARY

So, you want to make some friends in that time?

RICK

I just don’t want to be dead. I’ll have plenty of time to be dead after I die. I want to feel alive and let other people around me know I’m alive. And, it's kind of fun. Try it.

HILARY

Okay.

(The train stops. Tammy gets on and immediately notices Hilary and Rick smiling at her. She sits, suspiciously.)

TAMMY

Let me guess. Jehovah’s Witnesses? Save your breath. God and I are taking a break.

(Rick and Hilary laugh)

RICK

We’re not Jehovah Witnesses.

HILARY

We’re just smiling.

TAMMY

How weird.

CHESTER

I like it. I think it’s a great idea. I’ve seen all of you on the train before, but ain’t none if us ever said hello or swapped a smile. You all seem like good people, so, why not? I’m going to start smiling at everyone, too.

PHYLLIS

Ah, hell. Me, too. I’ve been sitting here smiling to myself over you two, may as well join the party.

RICK

Yea! If there are other people doing it with me, then I’m officially not crazy.

(They all laugh.)

TAMMY

I think my morning commute just got more interesting.

(They all laugh.)

CHESTER

Hey, look. Here comes somebody.

PHYLLIS

Smiles, everybody, smiles.

(Hubert the Homeless Guy comes in shuffling slowly with his head down and hand out.)

HUBERT

Excuse me, everyone. I am homeless and I am hungry. Any change you can spare would be greatly appreciated.

(He looks up and sees that they are all looking at him smiling. Slowly, one-by-one, their smiles melt and their heads go to newspapers, books and iPods, away from Hubert. Tammy is still smiling but then notices that everyone else has turned away. )

TAMMY

Oh, fuck you guys.

(She hands Hubert a dollar.)

TAMMY (continuing)

Here’s a buck.

HUBERT

You have a lovely smile.

TAMMY

Fuck you, too. I mean… Thanks.

(Hubert walks off. Tammy glowers at the others as they steal glances at her and one another. She rolls her eyes and starts reading a newspaper. Lights fade.)