Written by Joe Janes
11/17/09
303 of 365
Cast:
Al, 30s
Emma, 30s
(The stage is dark. We hear fumbling of keys. A door opens and the lights in Emma’s apartment turn on. Emma and Al are trying to move into the apartment while making out. They take off their coats and fumble their way to the sofa.)
EMMA (still kissing)
Sorry the place is a mess, Al.
AL (still kissing)
I didn’t notice, Emma.
EMMA (still kissing)
I don’t usually do this with a guy I just met.
AL (still kissing)
Me, either.
EMMA (still kissing)
Guess it’s just been so long.
AL (still kissing)
We’re only human.
EMMA (still kissing)
The wine helped.
AL (still kissing)
Wine always helps.
EMMA (still kissing)
You’re single, right? No girlfriend? No wife?
AL (still kissing)
Totally and completely single. And disease-free.
EMMA (still kissing)
Me, too. (Stops kissing) Do you have a condom?
AL
I have five hundred dollars.
EMMA
What?
AL
I have five hundred dollars. (He tries to kiss her and she holds him back.)
EMMA
I’m not a prostitute.
AL
Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t pay that much. Oh, that didn’t sound right. Not that you’re not worth it. You’re worth more than that. Triple the amount. (Rolls his eyes.) Insert foot in mouth. The money’s in case you get pregnant. (He goes in for a kiss, again and she, again, holds him back.) You know, for an abortion.
EMMA
Whoa! Rather than spend a few bucks on a condom you’d rather spend five hundred on an abortion?
AL
Well, you know, what can I say? I really hate condoms. They’re not fun.
EMMA
You know what else is not fun… abortions.
AL
Well, no, I wouldn’t think they were. It’s a medical procedure. Sort of like getting a tooth pulled. Just saying, don’t worry, you’re covered. I’m your insurance. I’ll pay the bill and even give you a ride if you need one.
EMMA
What if I don’t want an abortion?
AL
Well, you can keep the baby, if you want. That’s your business.
EMMA
Wow. You better go, now.
AL
Look, Emma, I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but if you think about it… You’re what? Mid-30s? The odds of you getting pregnant are pretty slim.
EMMA
But you’d rather pay for an abortion than get some birth control.
AL
Look, you’re the one who’s not on the pill, which tells me you care about your body. As do I. That’s why I prefer an abortion to the morning after pill, which can have side effects. Side effects that may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. You get an abortion, you just walk it off.
EMMA
Al. Time for you to walk this off. Good night.
(She opens the door for him to leave.)
AL
All right, Emma. Too bad. I think we could have had some fun.
EMMA
Yeah. I’m all torn up inside. The same as if you had stayed.
AL
Call you-
EMMA
No. Good night.
(Al walks out. Emma closes the door. She sits back down on the sofa. The door opens.)
AL
I could pull out.
EMMA
If you don’t, I’ll cut it off.
(She exits into the bedroom. Al quickly follows. Blackout.)
