Week 42, Day 290 - "Social Issues I & II"

“Social Issues I & II”

Written by Joe Janes

11/4/09

290 of 365

CAST:

Steve, 50s

Alan, 30s

(Lights up on Steve standing near two chairs that face one another, but are comfortably spaced. He is writing in a note pad. Alan walks in.)

ALAN

Dr. Morgan?

STEVE

Alan, come on in. Nice to meet you. Call me Steve. Have a seat. (Steve takes a seat. Alan remains standing.) I’m just finishing up a few notes. Now, you mentioned over the phone that you’re having problems with intimacy.

(Alan takes the remaining chair and moves it as far as possible into the upstage right corner of the stage and has a seat.)

ALAN

Yes.

(Blackout)

PART II

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair center stage in profile. Steve is straddling him and has his face nose-to-nose with Alan’s face.)

STEVE

I think we’ve made tremendous progress in a short period of time, don’t you, Alan?

(Alan takes a dollar bill and slips it into Steve belt.)

STEVE (continuing)

Please stop paying me in singles.

(Blackout)

Week Nine, Day 63- “WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”

“WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”
Written by Joe Janes
3/22/09
63 of 365

CAST:
Joe, late teens
Joe C., early 20’s

(Joe is sitting in the small booth of a small town radio station making notes on a clipboard. Some nondescript easy listening instrumental plays in the background. Not quite Muzak, but not far from it. Joe Chapman, a slightly overweight mans, enters with copy for some commercials. He’s wearing a loose wide tie and a shirt that’s coming untucked. Even though he’s wearing a shirt and tie, he looks frumpy.)

JOE C.

I’ve got some new copy for the tags and live spots. Can you hand me the book, Joe?

(Joe hands him the copybook, a three-ring binder above the microphone and looks over Joe C.’s shoulder.)

JOE

“Uhlman’s Department store is now open till 7pm on Fridays.” This is what you do, isn’t it, Joe?

JOE C.

What do you mean?

JOE

Write the copy for all the commercials and stuff.

JOE C.

Yep, that’s what I do.

JOE

Randy said you were only 20. That you guys went to a bar and they wouldn’t serve you.

JOE C.

Randy C. said that?

JOE J.

Randy H.

JOE C.

Oh, yeah. At the Elks Lodge. It happens. Yeah, I’m only 20.

JOE

You look older.

JOE C.

I know. That’s why I try to drink in bars. I usually get away with it. I heard you got busted the other night at Ivan’s?

JOE

Yeah, well…

JOE C.

You shouldn’t order whiskey sours. That’s a dead giveaway.

JOE

I like the fruit. It’s like you get booze and a snack.

JOE C.

Order stuff like martinis or manhattans. Or you know what usually works, a rusty nail. Only old people order rusty nails.

JOE

I’ll keep that in mind. So, is this your first job out of college?

JOE C.

I didn’t go to college. My last job was playing Mr. Beefy outside of Mr. Beefy restaurants. Passing out coupons. Ever heard of them?

JOE

No.

JOE C.

I guess they’re just in Columbus. I used to wear a cow costume and pass out coupons. I was popular.

JOE

I can see that. (Joe cues up a record on the turntable) How did you get from Mr. Beefy to this?

JOE C.

My cousin knows Rob, Jr. and recommended me. Plus, I’m cheap. They pay me crap. I’ll work here a couple of years, get some experience, then try to land a job in a bigger market, like Elmore.

JOE

That’s thinking big. (Joe C. nods) Sounds like a good plan.

JOE C.

Yeah. No way I could work here all my life. Like Mike M.

JOE

It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

What?

JOE

He’s the only Mike that works here. It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

Oh, right. Oh, the East Perry Parts spot, the carburetor sale tag is still good, just change the date on it to next Friday.

JOE

“East Perry Parts, Incorporated…East Perry Parts, Incorporated…” That’s good writing.

JOE C.

Thanks.

(He exits. Joe intros the next song.)

JOE

Good news, Vacationland. We just got Steve and Edie’s greatest hits in and here’s (doesn’t remember which song he cued up)… one of them.

(Steve and Edie’s version of “Hallelujah” plays as Joe sits looking depressed. Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Five - "Puzzle Night, Part 3"

“Puzzle Night, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
3/4/09
45 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s


(Lights up on Marta, Chip and Vernon in bed. Chip in the middle. If possible, the blanket they are under has jigsaw pieces littered all over it. There is a “tent” made from Marta still wearing her strap-on. Chip looks exhausted, but elated.)

CHIP

That was amazing. That was like making love to a Hallmark card. And The Reader’s Digest. And a mound of scalloped potatoes. All rolled in to one.

VERNON

Fun being a grown-up, ay, Champ?

CHIP

It sure is, Vernon.

MARTA

We did stuff they don’t teach you in college.

CHIP

Boy, is that the truth. Still, I’d really like it if my parents didn’t find out about this.

VERNON

I think your pop would be proud, Chip.

MARTA

I know he would be. So would your mother.

CHIP

Nevertheless, I still think I’d rather this be our little secret.

VERNON

Wasn’t nothing little about it (indicating Marta’s tent.)

MARTA

Our secret. Your parents already know.

CHIP

H-how?

VERNON (pointing downstage)

Who do you think’s on the other end of that web camera?

MARTA

Everybody wave.

(They do. Even Chip, hesitantly mouthing “Hi, Mom.” Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Four - "Puzzle Night, Part 2"

“Puzzle Night, Part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
3/3/09
44 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)

MARTA

Let me take that for you, Chip.

CHIP

Thanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.

MARTA (taking dish)

Oh, call me Marta.

CHIP

That’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.

VERNON

There you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.

CHIP

Okay…Vernon.

MARTA

I’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.

(She exits.)

CHIP

O-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-

VERNON

6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.

CHIP

I’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.

VERNON

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

CHIP

Guess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.

VERNON

It’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?

CHIP

Yeah. I think so.

VERNON

Marta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife.

CHIP

Okay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –

(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)

MARTA

What’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller –

MARTA

Marta.

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry.

MARTA

Oh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.

VERNON

Hay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn.

MARTA

Just ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.

VERNON

Hey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.

CHIP

Well, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me.

(Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)

MARTA

We could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.

(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)

CHIP

Oh, look, I found the emperor's cervix.

(Lights out)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Three - "Puzzle Night, Part 1"

“Puzzle Night, Part 1”
Written by Joe Janes
3/2/09
43 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Marta and Vernon sitting at a card table working on a large jigsaw puzzle. Chip enters looking a little sweaty from yard work.)

CHIP

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON (looking out window)

Good job, Chip. Way to bang it out.

MARTA

I’m so glad you were able to fit us in on your break from school.

CHIP

Oh, no problem. Can always use the extra money.

VERNON (slyly slipping Chip twenty dollars)

C’mon in and take a load off.

MARTA

I’ll go get some lemonade.

(She exits.)

CHIP

I don’t want to impose.

VERNON

Oh, nonsense. Even a strapping young man like you needs to put his feet up once in awhile. How’s school? How’s the girls? Getting any poon-tang? (He winks.)

CHIP

Oh, Mr. Moosemiller, you’re embarrassing me.

VERNON

Get it while you can, Chip. Get it while you can.

MARTA (entering with tray)

Oh, stop bothering the boy, Vernon.

CHIP

It’s okay, Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON

Just busting the boy’s chops a bit, Marta.

(Marta pours Chip some lemonade.)

MARTA

You must be spending all your time with your girlfriends, a handsome young man like you. Very sweet of you to spend some time with two old fogies.

CHIP

I don’t mind at all. You two are like grandparents to me,

MARTA

Isn’t that sweet, Vernon?

VERNON

Hey, Chip. Why don’t you stick around and join us for dinner? Marta’s banging out her famous scalloped potatoes.

CHIP

That’s what I smell. (Sips some lemonade) This tastes funny.

MARTA

Probably the whiskey.

CHIP

Whiskey?

VERNON

You’re a big boy, now.

MARTA

Puts hair on your chest.

VERNON

Marta should know.

MARTA

Oh, Vernon.

(They laugh. Chip shrugs and keeps sipping.)

MARTA

Oh, and after dinner you can help us with our new puzzle.

VERNON

Oh, it’s a doozy. Over a thousand pieces.

MARTA

It’s historical. A palace from the Roman Empire.

VERNON (referring to the box lid)

Yep. Caligula.

(Chip looks at the puzzle.)

CHIP

It looks like –

MARTA

It is! A roman orgy.

CHIP

Is that a horse? On top of a woman?

MARTA

It is. I’m still missing a piece, though.

(Chip picks up a piece. He holds it with a little disgust.)

CHIP

Here it is.

VERNON

Good eye, Son. We’ll have this banged out in no time!

(Marta puts the piece in place. Lights out.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Nine - "The Third One"

“The Third One”
Written by Joe Janes
2/26/09
39 out of 365

CAST:
Archie
Sidney

(Archie and Sidney are playing rock, paper, scissors.)

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Paper covers rock.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Rock breaks scissors.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

(Archie plays “rock.” Sidney has made a gun with his or her hand. Archie looks puzzled. He “shoots” and we hear a gunshot sound. Archie falls to the ground.)

SIDNEY

Gun shoots rock.

(Sidney blows off the tip of his/her gun. Lights out.)