Week 43, Day 295 - "Teach A Man To Fish"

“Teach A Man To Fish”

Written by Joe Janes

11/9/09

295 of 365

CAST:

Jolene, 12

Grandpa, 70s

Game Warden Ned, 30s

(Lights up on Grandpa fishing along a stocked lake. Jolene walks up and sits next to him.)

JOLEEN

Thanks for taking the time to teach me to fish, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Like I always say, “Give a man a fish and eats for the day, teach a man to fish and eats whenever he wants fish.”

JOLEEN

I’m so excited.

GRANDPA

Where’s your pole?

JOLEEN

Pole? I don’t have a pole.

GRANDPA

Can’t fish without a pole. You need to go buy one. Nice rod and reel like mine, plus bait and tackle, probably run you around a hundred bucks.

JOLEEN

But I don’t have any money.

GRANDPA

That’s too bad. Then I guess you don’t get to fish. Darn shame, I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my grand daughter.

JOLEEN

Me, too.

GRANDPA

You can watch while I fish.

JOLEEN

And I can help you eat the fish you catch.

GRANDPA

Well, that hardly seems fair. I do all the work and you get to eat the fish. Man needs to learn to get and eat his own fish. You could get a job. Get a job, make some money, buy yourself a rod and reel.

JOLEEN

I’m only twelve.

GRANDPA

I’m only twelve. Sounds like lazy talk to me.

JOLEEN

Could you give me the money to buy what I need?

GRANDPA

That hardly seems to fit the lesson I’m trying to pass on to you, Jolene. But I could loan you the money.

JOLEEN

That would be great.

GRANDPA (taking out wallet)

Here you go. Now, you pay me back within the next month and I won’t charge you interest. After that, the rate goes up to 10%. Think you can handle that?

JOLEEN

Sure. You’re teaching me to fish. I’ll figure something out.

GRANDPA

Good girl. Now, just so happens I have a rod and reel right here. You can take it off my hands for a hundred-fifty.

JOLEEN

But I only have a hundred.

GRANDPA

Hmmmm… That’s a toughie. Tell you what, I’ll make it 125 because you’re family, we’ll increase your line of credit on your loan and it starts accruing interest immediately.

JOLEEN

I don’t know…

GRANDPA

You want to exercise your right to fish, don’t you?

JOLEEN

I want to fish so badly.

GRANDPA

Well, okay, then. It’s a done deal. You aren’t going to be happy until you learn to fish and it breaks my heart to see you unhappy.

JOLEEN

Me, too. Let’s do it.

GRANDPA

Here you go. (He hands her a rod and reel and small tackle box.) Just watch what I do. You’ll pick up on it.

(She watches him and imitates him baiting his hook and gently casting into the water. She catches a fish. Grandpa talks her through bringing it in.)

GRANDPA

There you go. Now, reel it in, gently. Tug just a little bit. Reel it in…reel it in. (She stands up showing off the fish she hooked.)

JOLEEN

Look at me, Grandpa. I can fish!

(Game Warden Ned walks up.)

GAME WARDEN NED

Excuse me, little girl. Do you have a fishing license?

JOLEEN

A what?

GRANDPA

You need a license to fish, honey. It’s mandatory.

JOLEEN

I didn’t know.

(Game Warden Ned takes the fish, unhooks it, and throws it back into the lake.)

GAME WARDEN NED

I’m afraid I’ll have to take you back to the station and fine you $500. Let’s go.

(He grabs her arm and takes her off.)

JOLEEN

I don’t have the five hundred dollars. Bye, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Bye, Jolene. Don’t forget that money you owe me. (Pause) Sweet girl. Too bad she’s such a parasite on society.

(He feels a tug on his line. Blackout.)

Week 37, Day 259 - "Give A Little"

“Give A Little”

Written by Joe Janes

10/4/09

259 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 30s

Whit, 30s

David. 30s

Alice, 30s

Anthony, 30s

(This is a silent scene done to light upbeat instrumental music. Lights up on Andrew, casually dressed, walking down the street. He sees Anthony sucking on a soda with a burger in his hand. Whit, a homeless guy, approaches Anthony with is hand out. Anthony hands Whit the soda which Whit discovers is empty. Anthony laughs, flips off Whit and walks off. Whit throws the soda cup down on the ground. Andrew walks up to Whit. He reaches into his pocket and hands an appreciative Whit a quarter. Whit exits. Andrew continues and encounters David, another homeless man, but more poorly dressed. David has his hand out. Andrew reaches into his pockets, but comes up empty. He pulls out his wallet and hands David a one-dollar bill. An appreciative David shakes Andrews hand in thanks and exits. Andrew continues and encounters Alice, a very homeless person seated on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign that says please help. Andrew pats his pockets as if to say “sorry.” He pulls out his wallet and shows her that it is empty. She reaches into the wallet and pulls out a credit card. She moves her sign and reveals a small machine she uses to scan the credit card. She does it again. There’s clearly something wrong. She tries it one more time. She shakes her head at Andrew. She takes a pair of scissors out of her pockets and cuts up the card in front of Andrew. Alice shoos him away. Andrew walks off. He sees the soda cup on the ground and picks it up. He uses it to start begging for change. Whit comes out eating a burger and drinking a soda. He sees Andrew. Andrew holds his cup out to him. Whit takes a big bite out of his burger and stuffs the remaining sandwich into Andrew’s cup. Whit walks off. Andrew starts picking at the sandwich and eating it. Lights fade,)

Week 37, Day 253 - "Elaborate"

“Elaborate”

Written by Joe Janes

9/28/09

253 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 50s

Sarah, 40s

Charlie, 40s

Tracey, 20s

Tina, 20s

Wendell, 60s

(Lights up on a conference room. Andrew, Sarah, and Charlie all look anxious. Charlie looks at his watch and then at the others. Tina enters and stands at attention.)

TINA

Chief Executive Officer, Wendell Lonsdale.

(Tracey walks in spreading rose petals on the floor. She stands on the other side of the room. Wendell enters. He wears a typical business suit, except that his sports coat is over his shoulders, like an overcoat or robe. He looks at Andrew, Sarah and Charlie and clears his throat. They quickly stand. Wendell walks over to the table. Sarah holds out his chair for him. He sits. On his cue, the other three sit back down.)

ANDREW

Wendell, we have some important-

(Wendell holds up his hand to stop him.)

WENDELL

I am parched.

(He snaps his fingers. Tracey and Tina move into action as Wendell leans back and opens his mouth. Tina takes a small bottle of Perrier and pours a small amount into Wendell’s mouth. Tracey squeezes a small piece of lime over it. Tina then wipes Wendell’s mouth. Wendell snaps his fingers again and Tina and Tracey go back to their spots. Wendell waves his hand as if to tell Andrew to go.)

ANDREW

We’re running dangerously in the red. We need to make severe cuts or our company will be belly up by the end of the year.

WENDELL

I see. We have to respond appropriately to the times. We need to tighten our belts. Make sacrifices. Let’s lay off 30,000 workers. Cut executive salaries by 20%. And no more free candy on the receptionist’s desk.

SARAH

That’s all good, sir. But it still may not be enough.

CHARLIE

Sir, with all due respect. You’re going on a trip next week to South America. Thirty days with your two assistants.

WENDELL

That’s a business trip. We’re sampling various coffees around that continent to find the best one for our employee break rooms. It’s about quality and finding the best for our employees. It’s an investment in people.

CHARLIE

And it’s going to cost the company $100,000. Hard to justify when we’re making all these cuts. That could be the salary of two or three workers.

WENDELL

What’s your salary?

CHARLIE

$125,000.

WENDELL

You’re fired. There just saved one worker’s job and I still get to go on my coffee expedition. (He stretches) Oh, I’m exhausted. Well, time for my four o’clock champagne enema. If you need me to make more tough cost-cutting decisions, I’ll be in my helicopter RV.

(He exits followed quickly by Tina and Tracey. Charlie starts crying. Sarah hands him a tissue, but Andrew stops her.)

ANDREW

Those cost money.

(She stuffs it back in the tissue box. Lights fade.)

Week 33, Day 228 - “Bouncer”

“Bouncer”

Written by Joe Janes

9/3/09

228 of 365

Cast

Jimmy, 30s

Howard, 30s

Peter, 30s

(Lights up on Jimmy, a strong, beefy guy, sitting on a bar stool. The door next to him opens and Howard comes through, wearing a jacket and carrying a backpack.)

JIMMY

Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

Who are you?

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

My apartment building doesn’t have a doorman.

JIMMY

New service. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

I’m not giving you twenty dollars.

JIMMY

Then you don’t get to enter.

HOWARD

Enter the outside?

JIMMY

That is correct. Twenty bucks or back out you go into your apartment.

HOWARD

I’m not going to let you rob me out of twenty bucks, especially when I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee and sit and write.

JIMMY

How much is the coffee?

HOWARD

Two dollars.

JIMMY

Refills?

HOWARD

Another buck.

JIMMY

Three bucks. Muffin or scone?

HOWARD

Blueberry scone. $2.75. They are so good.

JIMMY

Add tax; let’s round up to six bucks. Plus a dollar tip.

HOWARD

A dollar?

JIMMY

Fucking A, a dollar. So, your little inexpensive trip to the coffee shop to write, both of which you could do at home, is now at seven dollars.

HOWARD

I’m out of coffee.

JIMMY

You have tea?

HOWARD

I have tea.

JIMMY

It’s better for you. Write while you sip tea.

HOWARD

I’m really a coffee guy when it comes to writing.

JIMMY

What are you writing?

HOWARD

A comedy sketch.

JIMMY

Hmmm.

HOWARD

You have a problem with that?

JIMMY

No, no. Not at all. I’m sure your little skits are worth every penny. Anything in between here and the coffee joint?

HOWARD

Grocery store.

JIMMY

Stopping by?

HOWARD

No. Yes. I usually do. It’s right on the way. Something for dinner, cat food, and I do the self-checkout so I can get cash back with my debit card.

JIMMY

You don’t have to use the self-checkout for that. You can use a cashier for that.

HOWARD

I don’t like to. I feel like I have to tell them what I need the money for. It’s a thing.

JIMMY

Okay, champ, add cat food, something for dinner and some miscellaneous-

HOWARD

Miscellaneous?

JIMMY

You know, you get there and realize you need mints or croutons or cotton swabs.

HOWARD

I need all those things.

JIMMY

And how much cash back?

HOWARD

I usually get a hundred so I don’t have to do it again right away although I’m usually back two days later.

JIMMY

Okay, then, that little nugget of comedy gold that you’re going to create is going to cost you today somewhere around one hundred and fifty dineros.

HOWARD

Guess I never stopped to think about it.

JIMMY

Maybe you should.

HOWARD

I don’t think dineros is a word.

JIMMY

So, you can pay me twenty bucks on top of all that or you can go back inside, make yourself some tea and write your little funny ha-has in your living room.

HOWARD

That would save me quite a bit of money.

JIMMY

Now, if you happen to be going somewhere that will make you significantly more moola than a twenty-dollar cover, then come back out.

HOWARD

What if I need to do laundry?

JIMMY

Use the bathtub.

HOWARD

Right. Right, Good call-

JIMMY

Jimmy.

HOWARD

Howard.

JIMMY

I know.

(Peter opens his apartment door and tries to sneak by Jimmy. Jimmy clears his throat.)

PETER

Jimmy, didn’t see you there.

JIMMY

Twenty bucks, Peter.

PETER

Jimmy, I was just going to run to the 7-11 for a quick something to drink. Bringing it right back here. Maybe a Slushee. Or a big coke. Or a Slushee Coke. Can I bring you back anything?

JIMMY

No, thanks. I’ll just take my twenty bucks.

(Pause)

PETER (slaps forehead)

What was I thinking? I have water. Plenty of refreshing tap water.

JIMMY

Add a few thin slices of cucumber and serve it chilled.

PETER

Great idea. Catch you later, Jimmy. Hey, Howard.

HOWARD

Hey, Peter.

PETER

This guy! (Points to Jimmy as he walks back to his apartment.) Love this guy. (He turns, sighs, and goes back into his apartment.)

HOWARD

Thanks for helping me save some money, Jimmy.

JIMMY

It’s what I’m here for. If you’re going to piss away money, you may as well just hand it off to me as you walk out the door.

HOWARD

That was subtle.

(Jimmy shrugs. Howard enters his apartment. Pause. Howard comes back out and hands Jimmy a twenty.)

HOWARD

Fuck it. I need coffee. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Jimmy!

(He exits.)

JIMMY

Subtlety is not part of my job.

(Jimmy takes a big wad of cash out of his pocket and wraps the twenty around it. Lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 207 - “Simplifying"

“Simplifying”
Written by Joe Janes
8/13/09
207 of 365

CAST:
Adam, 30s
Drew, 30s

(Lights up on Adam sitting on the far end of a sidewalk bench. On the other end is a folded up newspaper. Drew comes running up.)

DREW

Missed the bus, didn’t I?

(Adam nods. Drew sits on the bench, not noticing he has sat on the newspaper. Drew looks at his watch, looks around and then looks at Adam. Adam looks back out of the corner of his eye.)

DREW (continuing)

Adam?

ADAM

Yes.

DREW

It’s Drew. You lived across the hall from me until you moved out a few months ago.

ADAM

Right.

DREW

Man, I almost didn’t recognize you. Did you lose weight?

ADAM

Yep. Sure did. (Puts his thumb in his waist band and pulls it our an inch or two.) Doing a lot of walking whenever I can. Eating less, walking more.

DREW

What else have you been up to?

ADAM

Simplifying. Remember how I always had my TV blaring, even if I wasn’t watching anything.

DREW

Oh, yeah.

ADAM

Sold my television. Now, I’m doing a lot of reading. Letting my hair grow out. Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

DREW

That’s great. I really admire you. (Long pause) Lose your job?

ADAM

Yep. Now, if you don’t mind, your ass is on my pillow.

DREW

Oh!

(Drew gets up. Adam lies down and uses the newspaper for a pillow. Blackout.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Seven - "The C-E-Yo's (a rap song)"

(This is Tuesday's piece. I posted it after midnight.)

The C-E-Yo’s (a rap song)
Written by Joe Janes
2/24/09
37 of 365

CAST:
Holmes, 50s
Yo-Yo, 50s
Senator, 60s

(Lights up on two businessmen begging for money on a street corner. At their feet is a champagne bucket for catching change. Holmes holds a sign that says “Need Money for Gas for Jet.” Yo-Yo holds a sign that says “Will Relinquish Bonuses For Expense Acc’t.”)

HOLMES

Man, Yo-Yo, ain’t nobody giving it up today.

YO-YO

Never thought I’d be out on the street like this, Holmes, begging for change (kicks bucket).

HOLMES

Man, it’s hard out here for a CEO.

YO-YO

People just don’t appreciate.

HOLMES

Just yesterday, we were CEOs of multi-billion dollar corporations.

YO-YO

You know what we are today?

HOLMES & YO-YO

We be the C-E-Yo’s!

(A fresh rap beat kicks in)

HOLMES

This economy is driving me crazy.

YO-YO

It means I have to work and I’m so lazy.

HOLMES

I’m making changes all over my damn life.

YO-YO

Staying married, can’t pay to divorce my wife.

HOLMES

My mistress expects diamonds or thinks I’m a bum.
Try to fool her with cubic zirconium.

YO-YO

Guess I’ll sell my private jet and fly first class.

HOLMES

I’ll fire my valet; have my wife dress my ass.

YO-YO

Send for my tailor, have him tighten my belt.

HOLMES

Never thought my golden parachute might melt.

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

YO-YO

Big parties with ice sculptures won’t be the same.

HOLMES

Less coke and hookers, Obama is to blame.

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Empty all your pockets (Can’t you see I’m crying)

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Sell some ammo and rockets (Iraq is buying)

YO-YO

I live in a mansion behind gated walls.
I need bucks or live in a box by the falls.

HOLMES (speaking)

Yo-Yo, it’s that bad?

YO-YO (speaking)

No, Holmes, that was for dramatic effect.

(Back to rapping)

Give me more moo-la or I’ll let some peeps go.

HOLMES

Kick his gardener on the street.

YO-YO

Hoeing with ho’s!

(They laugh and high five each other. A U.S. senator walks by and the rap goes on hold.)

YO-YO

Senator! Senator! C’mon, help us out.

HOLMES

Can’t you see we’ve fallen on tough times?

YO-YO

Tough times that aren’t our fault.

(The senator looks at them disapprovingly. They give him big puppy dog eyes. The senator sighs, pulls out his wallet, and drops a bill into the champagne bucket. He walks off. Holmes and Yo-Yo dive for the bill and bring it up together.)

HOLMES

A lousy billion-dollar bill! Cheapskate!

YO-YO

What are we supposed to do with a measly billion? Buy Starbucks?

(The rap kicks back in for a big finish.)

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

(They pose at the finish of the song. Blackout.)