Written by Joe Janes
80 of 365
(Lights up on Ralph setting a dinner table for a romantic evening.)
RALPHDinner’s almost ready, Lucy.
(Lucy enters looking hot, putting in earrings.)
LUCYCandle lit dinner, Ralph? What’s the big occasion?
RALPHIt’s our anniversary.
LUCYWe’re not married.
RALPHOur one-year anniversary of going out, Silly. Our six-month anniversary of living together. We talked about this.
LUCYOh, I totally forgot. I told my girlfriends I’d meet them at Hi-Tops for Ladies Night.
RALPHI’ve been planning this for weeks-
(Lucy lifts the hem of her skirt, flashing Ralph her lower lady parts.)
LUCYLook at this stain. Dog gone it. I’ll have to change.
RALPHIt’s so hard to stay mad at you.
(Cue medium tempo music.)
Relationships can be so dang hard,
Emotional swirly for a dude,
Hot girls can burn and leave you scarred,
But it’s anesthesia when they’re nude.
(Ralph sits. Lucy re-enters in a robe and opens it close to Ralph’s face.)
LUCYDoes this look like herpes, again?
(He looks, at first in disgust and then enchanted.)
RALPHFull frontal hoo-hoo kills all reason,
Like kryptonite to my attitude,
To deny it would be my treason,
I like you better when you are nude.
RALPHOh, I can hardly tell, pumpkin.
(He starts to reach his hand out to touch it.)
LUCY (exiting)Okay. Don’t want to scare anybody.
RALPHWhen you have bad news to deliver,
Don’t worry about being too rude,
It might stick me like a glass sliver,
Just break it to me when you are nude.
LUCY (entering)Can I borrow fifty bucks do buy my ex-husband a birthday present?
(She opens her robe.)
RALPHThat asshole? Sure, my wallet’s on the –
LUCY (exiting)I already got it, thanks.
RALPHIs he going to be there-?
I dreamt about loving a goddess,
It makes me feel manly and so shrewd,
It means I won life’s big game of chess,
Seeing you frolic naked and nude.
LUCY (entering in a new dress)By the way, I’m pregnant.
RALPHIs that good news or bad news?
LUCYWell, it’s either yours, your brother’s, my ex-husband’s, or Pauly Shore’s.
(She opens her blouse.)
RALPHI’ll raise it as if it were my own.
It’s such a delight seeing you bare,
Like a Playboy model come to life,
Your curves melt away all woe and care,
I’d love it, Luce, if you’d be my wife.
(He gets down on one knee and opens up a ring box. She takes the ring and puts it in the pocket of her robe.)
LUCYNo. But, thanks. You know, I thought I was in love with you, Ralph. Guess I was wrong. I’ll stay until our lease runs out and then move in with someone else.
RALPHOh, my God.
(He collapses on the floor. She stands over his head. He looks up.)
LUCYI’ll still need you to pay child support. Unless I get an abortion. Then I’ll need you to pay for that. Is that okay?
RALPHI think that’s fine.
LUCY (singing the bridge)A man’s brain is made out of penises and clay,
I just grab the stuff I want when I want it,
My rich and pretty momma always used to say,
If you (oo-oo) have got it...flaunt it.
(She thrusts out her chest and she exits.)
RALPHYour flesh is a Snuggy for my brain,
Only in my head do I get screwed,
You are the candy without the cane,
Still, I like you better when you’re nude.
LUCY (from the door)Can you come pick me up when we’re done partying?
RALPHYou just broke up with me. Besides, I have to work in the morning-
LUCYPicture me naked.
RALPHOkay. Call me when you’re done.
(He sighs and smiles. Lights fade as a reprise of music from the song plays out.)