Week 44, Day 308 - "Kick The Can"

“Kick The Can”

Written by Joe Janes

11/22/09

308 of 365

Cast:

Holly, 30s

Duncan, 40s

(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)

DUNCAN (rising)

Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.

(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)

HOLLY

Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.

DUNCAN

Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.

(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)

DUNCAN (continuing)

Right here, silly. Under the table.

(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)

HOLLY

Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…

DUNCAN

I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.

HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)

Comic books.

DUNCAN

I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?

HOLLY

I collect Hummels.

DUNCAN

You collect telescopes!

HOLLY

Uh, no. Little figurines.

DUNCAN

Oh, right. You’re a girl.

(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)

HOLLY

Victoria’s Secret?

DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)

Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!

(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)

DUNCAN

Cigar?

HOLLY

No, thank you.

DUNCAN

Mind?

HOLLY

Go right ahead.

(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)

DUNCAN

Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?

HOLLY

I’m not sure.

DUNCAN

I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.

HOLLY

Okay.

(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)

DUNCAN

Single malt.

HOLLY

Thanks.

(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)

DUNCAN

Have some more.

HOLLY

Oh, no. Goes right to my head.

DUNCAN

Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.

HOLLY

I didn’t think so.

DUNCAN

Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.

HOLLY

Good things, I hope.

DUNCAN

Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.

HOLLY

Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?

DUNCAN

Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?

HOLLY

Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.

DUNCAN

Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.

HOLLY

But…?

DUNCAN

Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.

HOLLY

Oh.

DUNCAN

Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.

HOLLY

What would you like me to do?

DUNCAN

Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?

HOLLY

You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?

(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)

DUNCAN

Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!

HOLLY

What have other people done?

DUNCAN

Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?

HOLLY

No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?

DUNCAN

Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.

(Holly walks to the door.)

HOLLY

Is it because I’m girl?

DUNCAN

What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.

HOLLY

Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?

DUNCAN

She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.

HOLLY

I don’t know any jokes, either.

DUNCAN

I don’t know any nuns with one leg.

HOLLY

I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?

DUNCAN

Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?

HOLLY

I burned myself.

DUNCAN

With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?

HOLLY

With a curling iron. Like a girl.

DUNCAN

That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.

HOLLY

Thank you.

DUNCAN

Can I pick it?

HOLLY

Pick it?

DUNCAN

Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.

HOLLY

Company car, eh?

(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)

HOLLY

Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?

DUNCAN

Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 306 - "Grand Opening"

“Grand Opening”

Written by Joe Janes

11/20/09

306 of 365

CAST:

Grace, 40s

Cheryl, 40s

George, 40s

(Lights up on Grace folding organizing dry-cleaned clothes on a mechanical rack near the front of her store. Cheryl enters. Grace doesn’t notice. Cheryl crosses her arms. Cheryl saunters up to the desk and rings the desk bell. It startles Grace.)

GRACE

Oh, hi. You scared me. I didn’t see you there.

CHERYL

Uh-hunh.

GRACE

Do you need anything dry cleaned?

CHERYL

Got a question for you, Grace’s Laundromat and Dry Cleaners. Are you Grace?

GRACE

Yes, I am.

CHERYL

Good to know, good to know.

GRACE

Was that the only question?

CHERYL

Nope. Got another one for you? How long have you been in business?

GRACE

Oh, uh, let’s see. A little over a year. Almost two. I started as just a laundromat and added dry cleaning a year ago.

CHERYL

A little over a year. Interesting. Let me do you a favor.

(Cheryl exits and walks over to the store window and takes down a sign that says “Grand Opening” and hands it to Grace.)

CHERYL (continuing)

You’re welcome.

GRACE

You can’t do that.

CHERYL

That sign says “Grand Opening.” You opened over a year ago. Guess what? No more grand opening. You opened. Not grand anymore.

GRACE

I don’t care. It’s my sign and I’ll put it up if I want.

CHERYL

I walk past that thing every day. It’s like a daily slap in the face. I wonder what the Better Business Bureau would say about your “grand opening.”

GRACE

Look, you’re not even a customer. Why should I care what you think?

CHERYL

Maybe I would be a customer if I felt I could trust you based on your lying signs. How can I trust you to clean a pants suit if I can’t trust you to tell the truth? How do I even know you dry clean? Maybe you just air stuff out on a clothesline and Febreez the crap out of it.

GRACE

I do good work. People are happy with the service I provide. I take care of my customers. I even have specials.

CHERYL

Oh, don’t get me started on your specials. (She takes down another sign from the window.) This says “Special! Two Blouses or Shirts for the Price of One.”

GRACE (taking the sign)

Sounds like a special to me.

CHERYL

Except you never take that friggin’ sign down. If you always offer a 2-4-1 special, guess what? It ain’t special. It’s ordinary. It’s the price.

GRACE

You don’t come in here and tell me how to run my store.

CHERYL

Really? Really? That’s interesting, because I think I have every right to do that. Remember that dry cleaners that was one the corner?

GRACE

Was that yours?

CHERYL

Yep. Cheryl’s Just Dry Cleaning. I’m Cheryl. When you were just a laundromat, I didn’t mind. I was just a dry cleaners. Business started tapering off when you had your second grand opening for the new dry cleaning. Not unusual. Figured people would come back. Then you started running your “special.” I had a few devoted regulars stick it out, but it wasn’t enough. Had to close shop, Grace. So, you can understand how-

GRACE

I was just trying to provide a service for my customers. All their cleaning needs in one stop.

(George enters carrying a wad of clothes in his hands.)

GEORGE

Hello, Cheryl. Grace.

GRACE

Hi, George. Let me take those for you.

(She takes his clothes and goes behind the counter and starts working his order.)

CHERYL

Your cable knit sweater with the autumn leaves. I remember that sweater.

GEORGE

Yep.

CHERYL

You bought it to wear at your first Thanksgiving with your girlfriend’s family. How is Linda?

GEORGE

Good. We got married last summer.

CHERYL

Oh. I didn’t know. Congratulations.

GRACE

It was a lovely ceremony.

CHERYL (To Grace)

Treat it well. It’s a special sweater.

GRACE

I treat all of George’s clothes with special care. Whether it’s his sweater or his silk boxers.

CHERYL

Silk boxers?

GEORGE

Linda likes them. I don’t think you should be here, Cheryl. I’m with Grace’s Laundromat and Dry Cleaning. I’ve moved on. So should you.

(Cheryl starts to tear up. She starts to leave. Just as she reaches the door-)

GEORGE (continuing)

Cheryl. (She stops, but doesn’t turn.) I’m sorry things didn’t work out. My sweater was at its best with you. (He mouths “sorry” to Grace who shrugs.)

CHERYL

Enjoy Grace’s grand opening.

(Cheryl starts to cry and runs out.)

GRACE

Sorry about that, George.

GEORGE

I feel dirty.

GRACE

I can help you with that.

(Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 191 - "With or Without"

“With or Without”
Written by Joe Janes
7/28/09
191 of 365

CAST
Jack, 40-50s
Thomas, 20s

(Lights up on Jack wearing a tucked in polo shirt and khaki pants. His belly barely keeps from spilling over his belt buckle. He carries a nice brief case and has a blue tooth phone in one ear.)

JACK (on phone)

Stall them, Mickey… I’m just outside. I’ll be in in a few minutes... Get ‘em some coffee, get ‘em some blow jobs, I don’t care. …Don’t lecture me on how important this is. I know how important this is.

(Thomas, a young, black man carrying a milk crate, a rag and a few bottles of shoe polish walks out.)

THOMAS

Shine your shoes?

JACK

Thomas!...I have to go. (He hangs up his blue tooth.) Thomas! Do me. Here’s five bucks. I’ve been waiting for you. (He hands Thomas a five-dollar bill.)

THOMAS

Sure thing. (He starts to shine Jack’s shoes.) How’s your day been going?

JACK

Better now that you’re here. I was about to crap my pants if you didn’t show up.

THOMAS

Well, I know I do good work…

JACK

You have no idea how valuable your work is. This is going to be my lucky day. Have you made enough money to go to school, yet?

THOMAS

I’ve been taking night classes. Still a few years off from getting an associate’s degree-

JACK

-in Business Administration. (Thomas looks at him quizzically) You don’t remember me, do you?

THOMAS

You look kind of familiar…

JACK

I’m a businessman. A year ago. Almost to the day. Right on this spot. You shined my shoes before I gave a big sales presentation in that building.

THOMAS

I shine lots of shoes, Mister.

JACK

Call me Jack. Call me Jack… I got that big sale. Saved my ass. Saved the company’s ass.

THOMAS

Congratulations. I’m sure that had everything to do with my excellent shoe shining skills.

JACK

It sort of did. The CEO complimented me on my shoes. Before he even shook my hand. I think he’s got some kind of shoe fixation or something. Anyway, from that point on, I could do no wrong with that guy. They’re back today to discuss whether or not to renew with us.

THOMAS

I see. So, I am an integral part of your strategy to win another sale.

JACK

Doesn’t hurt. I just know that if I went in there and lost the sale without getting a shine from you, I’d cut off my feet to spite my face.

(Jack finishes one shoe, but hesitates before doing the other.)

JACK (continuing)

What’s the matter?

THOMAS

Oh. Did you want both shoes done?

JACK

Yes! Of course I do.

THOMAS

Because, you only gave me five bucks. It’s been a year. My rates have changed.

JACK (taking out wallet)

How much is it, now?

THOMAS

Well, it’s five bucks for the first shoe, five thousand for the second.

JACK

Thomas! You can’t do this to me. I’m already late for the sales meeting.

THOMAS

Be a shame for you to walk in there with only one shiny, shiny shoe. What would a CEO make of that?

JACK

You’re trying to rob me.

THOMAS

Just providing a valuable service.

(Jack’s phone rings.)

JACK (on phone)

I’ll be there in a second, Mickey!... I’m getting my shoes shined, but don’t tell them that! Tell them I’m stuck in traffic. …What! Are you serious? God dimmit. (He hangs up and waves up to the building across the street. Thomas notices and waves, too.) Well, at least the CEO gave me a thumbs up. That’s a good sign.

THOMAS

Bet he’s wondering why I haven’t done the other shoe, yet.

JACK (smiling through his teeth)

All right, cocksucker. Here’s how we’re going to play this. You finish my other shoe, I go in there and make the sale, I come back out and we transfer five grand into your bank account. You okay with that?

(Thomas starts to quickly polish the other shoe.)

THOMAS

Give me your wallet.

JACK

I’m not giving you my wallet.

THOMAS

For security. How am I supposed to know you’ll come back? Especially if you don’t make the sale.

JACK

You’ll just have to trust me.

THOMAS

You’ll just have to trust me that I won’t spill this bottle of black polish onto your oxblood dress shoes.

(Jack quickly stoops and slaps his wallet into Thomas’s hands as if he were shaking them; all the while still aware he’s being watched.)

JACK

Here you go, Thomas. Meet me back here in an hour. You better be here.

THOMAS

Hey, I’m not a thief.

(Jack exits, smiling and waving to the building.)

THOMAS (taking the cash out of the wallet and pocketing it)

I’m a businessman.

(Blackout)