Week 34, Day 235 - “I Need Lunch”

“I Need Lunch”

Written by Joe Janes

9/10/09

235 of 365

CAST

Wendi, 30s

Bill, 30s

Kimberly, 30s

Brian, 40s

(Lights up on Bill and Wendi sitting at desks working. Bill looks at a big clock on the wall.)

BILL

12:15 on the dot. I am going to lunch.

WENDI (still working)

Okay.

BILL (getting up)

I think I’ll go to that new sandwich place.

WENDI

Okay.

BILL

Care to join me?

WENDI

No, thanks.

BILL

Want me to bring you something back?

WENDI

No, that’s all right.

BILL

You sure?

(Kimberly enters.)

KIMBERLY

Hey, I’m going to go to that new sandwich place. The one that’s not as much of a chain as the other one next to it.

BILL

Me, too, Kimberly. I’ll join you.

KIMBERLY

You want to come, Wendi?

WENDI

No, thank you.

KIMBERLY

What’s wrong?

WENDI

I’m not hungry.

BILL

You might get hungry later.

WENDI

I doubt it.

KIMBERLY

But you might. And then what?

WENDI

I’ll grab a snack from the vending machine.

KIMBERLY

You need lunch.

WENDI

No. I don’t think I do.

BILL

You have to keep your energy up.

WENDI

I had a decent breakfast. I’ve had two cups of coffee. I’ve got my water. I’m good. Really.

KIMBERLY

Well, I’ll bring something back for you. Just in case.

WENDI

Please don’t do that.

KIMBERLY

Do you need to see someone in HR? I’m worried about you.

WENDI

I’m fine. I just don’t want to eat any lunch. I’m not hungry. I’m tired of eating out of habit. I only want to eat when I’m hungry. Right now, not hungry.

KIMBERLY

What did you do, Bill, to piss her off?

BILL

I didn’t do anything.

KIMBERLY

Really?

WENDI

Bill didn’t do anything this time. I really just don’t want to eat lunch. I eat when I’m not hungry all the time. It just gives me an upset stomach and makes me sleepy when I don’t want to be.

BILL

Maybe it’s an eating disorder. You’re a girl, what do you think?

KIMBERLY

Maybe. I’m going to shoot HR an e-mail, just to, you know, give them a heads up.

WENDI

I do not need to talk to anyone in HR. What I need is for you two to leave me alone. Go eat your food. I’m not hungry. I don’t need it. I’m skipping lunch, today. Okay?

(Kimberly and Bill mumble some “yeah, sure, etc.” Brian pops his head in the room.)

BRIAN

Hey, gang, it’s Cheryl’s birthday. There’s pizza and cake in the break room.

WENDI

Awesome.

(Wendi exits as Kimberly and Bill watch her walk off, stunned.)

BILL

I thought you weren’t hungry.

(Just before she exits, she turns.)

WENDI

It’s free. I never turn down free food.

(Blackout)

Week 30, Day 204 - "On A Stick"

“On A Stick” or “Thanks, Men”
Written by Joe Janes
8/10/09
204 of 365

CAST
Ed, 30s
Matt, 30s
Brad, 30s
Mike, 20s
Brian, 20s

(Lights up on Matt and Ed at their orange stand at a fair.)

ED

Oranges! Get your oranges here!

MATT

Nice big, round ripe oranges.

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

MATT

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

(Brad crosses by and looks back at the oranges.)

ED

Orange, mister?

MATT

Healthy, full of vitamin C, low in calories-

ED

Glutton free.

MATT

Glutton free.

BRAD

Gee, I don’t know. (He looks at it quizzically) How do I-?

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

MATT

Just peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

BRAD

Like shrimp.

ED

Sure.

MATT

Like shrimp.

BRAD

Seem a bit labor intensive.

ED

They’re refreshing.

MATT

They’re refreshing.

BRAD

Refreshing, you say? Well. Okay.

ED

One dollar.

MATT

One dollar.

(Brad takes out his wallet. Brian and Mike quickly set up a table nearby. On the table, is a round brown blob.)

BRIAN

Oranges!

BRAD

Ooh, they have oranges, too.

MIKE

Dipped in chocolate.

BRAD

I heard chocolate is really good for you.

BRIAN

Wrapped in bacon.

BRAD

Bacon is a good source of protein.

ED

Here’s your orange, sir.

MATT

Just one dollar.

MIKE

Did I mention deep-fried? Our orange is dipped in chocolate, wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in a crispy, yellow batter.

BRIAN

Made out of corn and Twinkies.

MIKE

And-

BRIAN

And-

MIKE AND BRIAN

It comes on a stick!

(Mike stabs the blob with a wooden stick and they pick it up, Brian gesturing around it with his hands.)

BRAD

Sold!

(Brad walks over and grabs the thing on a stick. Brad starts eating it with great relish.)

MIKE

Five dollars, sir.

BRAD

Take my whole wallet.

(He hands him his wallet as he continues to eat the thing on a stick.)

ED

That’s outrageous.

MATT (holding out an orange)

This orange is only a dollar.

BRAD

Please, you can’t put a price on eating healthy. I must tell my friends, Tom and Tony. They could use something like this. They're so out of shape.

(Mike and Brian smugly count their money. Ed looks at the orange Matt is holding and stabs it with his pen.)

ED

Orange on stick.

MATT

Orange on a stick!

ED

Ten dollars.

(Lights fade as the continue to hawk their orange on a stick as Brad continues to devour that fried thing.)

Week 23, Day 160 - “The Things I Put In My Mouth”

“The Things I Put In My Mouth”
Written by Joe Janes
6/27/09
160 of 365

CAST
George, late 40s

(Lights up on George, an average middle-aged man wearing an orange construction vest, hard hat and holding a sign on a pole that says “SLOW DOWN.”)

GEORGE

My toothbrush…The occasional pen or pencil…my finger, you know, to get stuff out that shouldn’t be in there, little food bits… These are the things I still put in my mouth. The different types of food I put in there is starting to narrow down. Significantly. No gum, no candy. No more popcorn. That’s what the dentist said after my root canal. No more freakin’ popcorn. I love popcorn. Movie popcorn with lots of salt and butter flavoring…Kettle corn…caramel corn…Used to joke that I ate so much popcorn that my testicles were literally popcorn balls… I thought it was funny… No more apples, which surprised the hell out of me. That “apple a day” stuff is a load of hooey. My dentist said eating an apple is like giving your teeth an acid bath that wears down the enamel. And I like apples. Especially dipped in caramel. Dentist also said to quit drinking coffee. Because of the stains, right? Wrong. Because when I drink too much coffee, I grind my teeth and chew on the back of my tongue. That’s something else I’m not supposed to eat anymore. My tongue. Didn’t even know I was eating it. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Oh, nothing fried, either. My regular doctor says my cholesterol is too high. No fried foods, cut down on the cheese and the ice cream. Bacon. Man, bacon. May as well be a strip of savory, smoky razor blades that I ram in my throat. “When you order bacon, George,” he says, “it’s a cry for help.” Look, I’m pushing 50. Not married, not seeing anybody. Don’t smoke. The only thing I put in my mouth that I get any enjoyment out of is food. Why can’t brussel sprouts be bad for you? Steamed brussel sprouts, look out, that stuff will kill ya’. It will bore you to death. If I order brussel sprouts, that’s me crying for help. When you’re growing up, your parents tell you what to eat and when to eat. Do a stint in the navy and they tell you what to eat and when to eat. I’ve had about fifteen, twenty years of eating what I want, when I want. I’m a grown-up, now, dammit. Cereal for dinner. Love it. Not that good-for-your-heart Cheerios crap. I’m talking Cap’n Crunch (he salutes) with Crunchberries. And a side of bacon. That is my Viagra. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Guess I had a good run. Deep fried Twinkies are a little piece of magic. Deep-fried turkey, tasty and dangerous, but if food’s going to be dangerous I’d rather it be because it might burn me rather than it might get clogged in my colon. If it’s a case of it being some external physical threat, then I say, “Bring it on.” It’s a fair fight. One that I’ll win. I’ve taken down turducken, haggis and Rocky Mountain oysters – bull balls. For lunch, all the guys are ordering from some Kentucky Fried Fuck ’n’ fuck kind of place. I packed my lunch. Have to. I don’t dare order a plate of celery in front of these hose bags. I’d never hear the end of it. I also got some carrot strips. A peach. And a little baggy filled with Bac O’ Bits, which aren’t really bacon at all. Some soy shit with chemicals. Better for you, I guess. It’s like bacon trail mix. I miss bacon. I wish they made some kind of bacon patch, like those nicotine things. I’d put one right here on my arm. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Slow the fuck down, asshole!... Sheesh, some people are in a real hurry to die.

(Blackout)

Week 11, Day 74 - “What America Runs On”

“What America Runs On”
Written by Joe Janes
4/2/09
74 of 365

CAST:
Counter Girl
Counter Help
Person #1
Person #2
Person #3
Person #4
Person #5
Person #6

(Lights up on Counter Girl at a fast food restaurant. Behind her is Counter Help. There is a line of people.)

PERSON #1

Cup of coffee, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Huge, large or giganto?

PERSON #1

Giganto, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Here you go.

(Counter Help gives him a wastebasket size cup of coffee and he quickly exits.)

PERSON #2

I’ll have a giganto coffee and a donut.

COUNTER GIRL

Plain, frosted or double deep-fried in sugar?

PERSON #2

Oh, double deep-fried.

COUNTER GIRL

Sprinkles?

PERSON #2

Sure. Why not?

(Counter Help give shim his order and he’s off.)

PERSON #3

Yeah. Let me get a giganto coffee, latte-style, double deep fried donut with sprinkles and a shot of alcohol.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila?

PERSON #3

Surprise me.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila.

(Counter Help gives the Person his order. He does the shot as he exits. A Person #4 bursts in and cuts in line.)

PERSON #4

Boobs, please.

COUNTER GIRL

I’m afraid all we have are pictures of boobs.

PERSON #4

That’ll work.

(Counter Help takes a Polaroid of her chest and hands the Person the picture.)

PERSON #4 (exiting)

Thanks! You’re a lifesaver.

PERSON #5

Uh, yeah, I’ll have a giganto coffee, decaf, Stevia and non-dairy creamer, double deep-fried donut, hold the sprinkles, shot of tequila and…oh, is that Percodan? One of those.

(Counter Help gives her the order and she exits.)

PERSON #6

Giganto coffee, double deep-fried donut with sprinkles, shot of tequila, Percodan and…a bag of weed.

COUNTER GIRL

Sir, “weed” is against the law. Could I interest you in a handgun, instead?

PERSON #6

Okay.

COUNTER GIRL

Bullets?

PERSON #6

Sure. Why not.

(Counter Help gives him his order. He licks the gun as he walks off. Counter Girl and Counter Help stand alone for a moment with nothing to do. Counter Help takes a handful of Percodan and dry swallows them. Counter Girl swigs from a bottle of tequila. Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Eight - “Health Nut"

“Health Nut”
Written by Joe Janes
3/7/09
48 of 365

CAST:
Bill, 40s
Ray, 40s
Counter Girl, 16

(Lights up on Bill and Ray standing in line at a fast food restaurant.)

RAY

Must be hard being a vegetarian.

BILL

No, not really. Even places like this have vegetarian options.

COUNTER GIRL

Welcome to Burger World. What would you like today?

BILL

I’ll have the Veggie Burger with Cheddar-like Cheese and Fake-n and a Vanilla Soy Shake.

COUNTER GIRL

Would you like baked fries or organic carrot sticks with that?

BILL

Ooh, organic carrot sticks.

COUNTER GIRL

That will be $13.75.

BILL

Okay, just a sec –

(Bill starts fishing through his wallet.)

COUNTER GIRL

Can I take your order?

RAY

Sure. I’ll have the gallon bucket of crispy veal nuggets with dippin’ sauce, a jumbo order of curly spicy fries, chocolate shake – make it a small - and a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

COUNTER GIRL

That’ll be 4.99.

BILL

Can I change my order?

COUNTER GIRL

What would you like?

BILL

Something dead, fried, maybe throw some butter on it.

COUNTER GIRL

4.99.

(Blackout.)

Week Two, Day Thirteen - "Chet At Lunch"

“Chet At Lunch”
(Part Three of “Dancing with the Devil”)
Written by Joe Janes
1/31/09
13 of 365

CAST:
Sumi, 20s
Mannie, 50s
Chet, late 20s
Angel
Devil
Tyler


(Lights up on Mannie from “Better Than Money” at the counter of a fast food restaurant. Chet stands behind him. Sumi, in uniform and headset, hands him a “to go” bag of food.)

SUMI

Burger, fries and a cola. That’s four dollars and thirty-six cents.

(Mannie counts the money out on the counter and Sumi puts it in the register except for one bill.)

SUMI (continuing)

Sixty-four cents is your change and… (She hands him the one “bill” and opens her arms. Mannie hugs her over the counter. He takes his food and leaves.) Have a nice day, Mannie.

MANNIE

You, too, Sumi!

SUMI

Hi, Cutie, what’ll it be today?

CHET

Well, I will have a cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke.

SUMI

We have a special today. For just fifty cents, you can get a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

CHET

Gee, I don’t know-

(Sumi freezes, lights shift, Devil and Angel, and Tyler, a nice guy hand puppet, appear on Chet’s shoulders.)

DEVIL

Go for the pie, Chet. They fry it. Hot fried pie, it doesn’t get any better than that.

ANGEL

You summoned me here over pie?

DEVIL

Yes. Chet is watching his weight –

CHET

No, I’m not.

DEVIL

Chet should be watching his weight and, excuse me, who are you?

TYLER

Hi, I’m Tyler.

ANGEL

We were on a date.

DEVIL

I didn’t realize it was “Bring A Date” to work day.

ANGEL

We were on a swan boat ride. I couldn’t just leave him. I don’t want to mess things up with you, Tyler.

DEVIL

I see. Now, you care about messing things up.

CHET

Guys, I’m in a hurry. I really don’t need this, right now.

DEVIL

Shut up, Chet.

ANGEL

Don’t tell Chet to shut up.

DEVIL

Okay, look. Maybe I just wanted to see you one more time before your transfer went through. You look good.

ANGEL

Thanks. So do you. Really.

TYLER

Maybe I should wait back at the swan boat.

ANGEL

Don’t go anywhere, Tyler.

DEVIL

Looks like someone’s a little halo whipped, right, Chet?

ANGEL

Uh! You always have to try to piss me off, don’t you? Look, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. You need to move on.

DEVIL

Yeah. I know. You’re right. Sorry you got dragged in to this, Tyler. You better take care of her.

TYLER

Sure.

ANGEL

Let’s go. Good-bye.

(They leave. The Devil sighs.)

CHET

You going to be all right?

DEVIL

I don’t know.

CHET

You want some of my apple pie?

DEVIL

Sure.

(Lights change back.)

SUMI

Would you like the hot fried apple pie dessert treat?

CHET

Do you recommend it?

SUMI

It’s fried pie. What’s not to like?

CHET

Then, yes, I would (looks at tag), Sumi. Cute name.

SUMI

Thanks. (Writes on a napkin) I’ll bring your order out to you as soon as its ready and, hey, here’s my phone number so you can call me and we can go hang out or something.

CHET

Yeah. Sure. I will. Thanks, Sumi.

(He starts to leave)

SUMI

I like your parrot!

(Lights fade)