Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Hey, Nice Labia!

((The following blog entry is Rated PG-13 for strong sexual content and may not be suitable for children or your boss who may be standing behind you looking over your shoulder as you read this.))

Life is too short to be ugly.

Even your cooch.

I thought we as a culture had hit rock bottom with anal bleaching. How low is our self-esteem when we are concerned about the shade of our butt holes? A place I haven't looked at in years and have never tried to color coordinate. Is there some segment of society that shuns dark-skinned anuses?

What could possibly be worse than that?

Ladies and gentlemen, submitted for your approval - or disapproval - the latest in unnecessary and expensive surgical procedures...

There are three types of female genital surgery that are rapidly on the increase in this self-obsessed country of ours...
Labia Reduction, Vaginal Rejuvenation, and Clitoral Unhooding.

Now, for all three of these procedures, there may actually be a few women who can benefit from the operation. But, for the most part, it's for what the plastic surgeons call beautification.

That's right, the ol' hoo-ha just don't look like it used to. Or it never looked like it used to and it's scaring the beejesus out of the other ladies in the sauna at Curves. Sadly, it's mainly women who want to look like a porn star without being a porn star. Here's the secret nobody is telling you... NOBODY LOOKS LIKE A PORN STAR! Porn stars weren't born that way. They had to have surgery to get that look and it's long term effects are gruesome. I used to think it was rather ridiculous that anyone would spend money on a blow-up doll. They look nothing like the real thing. Instead of trying to improve the technology of the blow-up doll, women have decided to look more like the inflatable.

What's really scary is the amount of money these women are dumping into this. Hard to justify with all the hardship in the world, not to mention the women in third world countries who have no hope of ever having this surgery and whose labia scrape the ground when they walk.

So, you may be wondering, is Vaginal Beautification right for you?

I've taken the liberty of putting together my own diagnostic quiz.

Answer the following questions...

- While wearing shorts and riding a bicycle, do you hear the sound of playing cards attached to your spokes, even though none are there?

- When wearing tight pants, do you have Camel Foot?

- While making love, does your sexual partner have to tie a rope around his waste before entering you?

- Does the hood over your clitoris have a short Swiss man on it shouting R-I-C-O-L-A!

- Has anyone ever referred to giving you oral sex as spelunking?

- While running outdoors in the summer, have you ever accidentally ignited small grass fires from the sparks caused by the friction between your legs?

- While playing tennis, are you able to return volleys without the aid of a racket?

- When camping, does your pelvic area double as a sleeping bag or canopy?

- Has anyone ever said to you, "Is that two bananas laying side-by-side in your pocket or are you just glad to see me"?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then Vaginal Beautification Surgery may be just what you need.

If not, then just look in the mirror and repeat after me... I have a lovely vagina.

And then give me five thousand dollars.