Week 50, Day 347 - "Dining In Hell"

“Dining In Hell”

Written by Joe Janes

12/31/09

347 of 365

Cast,

King Leonidas, 30s

Maître de, 40s

Jose, 20s

(Lights up on ready-for-action King Leonidas addressing the other Spartans – the audience,)

KING LEONIDAS

Spartans! Prepare for glory! For tonight, we dine in hell!

(He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. The nicely dressed maître de enters.)

MATRE DE

And do you have a reservation?

KING LEONIDAS (looking over podium)

Uh…King Leonidas. There we are.

MATRE DE

Ah, yes. I see. Party of 300. Is everyone here?

KING LEONIDAS

Yes! We are all here and ready to dine in hell!!!

MATRE DE

We’ll have to put a few tables together. It will take a few minutes. (The maître de snaps his fingers. Jose comes out in a vest and black pants. The maître de whispers to him. Jose nods and walks off. Leonidas just stands there, not sure what to do with himself.)

KING LEONIDAS

Will this take long?

MATRE DE

Just a few minutes. Hell is very busy this evening. I’m surprised you were able to find parking.

KING LEONIDAS

We marched here on foot. From Sparta.

MATRE DE

I see. Good weather for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Yes. It was very pleasant.

(Pause.)

MATRE DE

Would you like to look at a menu while you wait?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure.

(The maître de hands him a menu and he looks at it.)

KING LEONIDAS

Do you have any specials?

MATRE DE (confidentially)

Nothing I would recommend. Stick to the pasta dishes. Can’t go wrong with them. And save room for the bread pudding. Heavenly, but you didn’t hear that from me.

(Jose comes out and whispers in the maître de’s ear. The maître de looks disappointed, whispers back in Jose’s ear. Jose whispers back, angrily.)

KING LEONIDAS

Is there a problem?

MATRE DE

No problem. Pardon me for a moment.

(The maître de produces a trident from his suit jacket and pulls Jose aside. He beats Jose with the trident.)

MATRE DE (working himself into a frenzy)

Insolent ignorant lowlife drone! If there aren’t enough clean glasses for water for 300, wash some more. If there aren’t enough, use the pint glasses! Do I have to think of everything, Mommy? Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (Hugs Jose as he calms himself down.) Now, go. (Jose exits.) I’m afraid it will be just a little longer. I’m very sorry.

KING LEONIDAS

Well, you know. We’re anxious to eat. We have a big battle we don’t want to be late for.

MATRE DE (Handing him a beeper)

Here’s a pager. As soon as your table is ready, we’ll buzz you. I’ll go help get your table set to expedite things. And I’m going to go ahead and order you some appetizers. On the house. Chicken wings and mushroom caps, okay?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure. Oh, wait. Daxos is a vegetarian. (The maître de looks at him quizzically) I know. And he’s a real pain in the ass about it.

MATRE DE

I’ll ask the chef to make some tofu thing. We may have to charge you for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Sure, sure. Happens everywhere we go.

(The maître de exits. Pause.)

KING LEONIDAS

Soon, Spartans. We shall dine in hell. With garlic bread and stuffed mushroom cap appetizers. And some disgusting tofu thing for Daxos. I think I’m going to try the risotto. (The pager goes off) And make sure you save room for bread pudding! (He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. Blackout.)

Week 40, Day 277 - "Dayhawks"

“Dayhawks”

Written by Joe Janes

10/22/09

277 of 365

Cast

Bernie, 40s

Len, 30s

(Lights up on a diner. Len is behind the counter cleaning shelves we cannot see. Bernie, in a dark suit and hat, enters. He walks with a slight limp. Len keeps his eye on him. Bernie keeps his eye on a spot outside the diner. He takes a seat at the counter, again, without looking at Len. He knocks on the counter. Len produces a cup of coffee. Bernie grabs it and takes a sip while his attention is still outside on something across the street. Bernie puts the mug back on the counter and taps again. Len produces a small decanter of cream and a sugar dispenser. Bernie points out the window until Len gets the hint and looks out. Bernie quickly adds cream and sugar to his coffee and takes another sip.)

BERNIE

Okay.

(Bernie goes back to looking out as Len goes back to looking at Bernie.)

LEN

I don’t even know what I’m watching.

BERNIE

Did you see anything at all?

LEN

No.

BERNIE

You did good.

(Len grabs a menu from under the counter and sets it in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

I ain’t hungry.

LEN

Burger and fries, then?

BERNIE

I ain’t hungry. I ate before I came.

LEN

What kind of jackass eats before coming to a diner?

(Len takes the menu back and walks off stage for a moment. Bernie keeps looking out. Bernie sees something. He takes out a small notepad and jots something down.)

LEN (re-enters)

What did I miss? The pope ride by on a unicycle?

BERNIE

Just doing my job.

LEN

Yeah. That’s what you’ve said every day this week. I wonder what the police think about your job.

BERNIE

I’m a dick.

LEN

No kidding.

BERNIE

My job is to keep an eye on that office across the street. There’s a secretary who works there who may or may not have loose bloomers. Her husband wants me to find out.

LEN

You think her bloomers are loose?

BERNIE

The way she’s built, ain’t nothing loose on that ship. But I think her boss may be swabbing her decks.

LEN

The brunette with the caboose.

BERNIE

That’s the one.

LEN

She walks by the window and I have to stop whatever I’m doing. Be a shame if that train only had one rider.

BERNIE

I like her better as a ship.

LEN

You’re the pro.

BERNIE

She ever come in here?

LEN

A dame like that? Never. If she came in here, I’d remove the stool she sat on, take it home, get it drunk and make love to it. (Bernie) What?

BERNIE

Stick to trains.

LEN

You gonna sit there all day and only drink one cup of coffee?

BERNIE

I’m here until she’s not there. Have to earn my fifty bucks a day.

LEN

How can you drink coffee all day and never get and go to the bathroom?

BERNIE

Thank Hitler.

LEN

I’d rather not.

BERNIE

Caught some shrapnel from a kraut grenade in a very bad place. I fight the Nazis and get thanked with the ability to pee through a rubber tube into a small bottle strapped to my leg.

LEN

You sit there and pee right there at my counter?

BERNIE

Any time I like.

LEN

You peeing right now?

BERNIE

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. (He smiles at Len and quite possibly is relieving himself while doing it. Len looks away and can see the woman.)

LEN

Hey, Niagra. It’s dreamboat.

(Bernie sees her, too, and takes out his notebook, again. Len exits.) There she is, again. Filing. Filing very slowly. Very, very slowly.

(Bernie continues to watch and scribble. He stops. She has apparently moved away. He puts the notebook back in his jacket and sips more coffee. Len returns with a plate, a hamburger and fries. He sets it down in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

What’s this?

LEN

Just doing my job.

(Len sets down the bill. Steps back and crosses his arms. Bernie goes back to watching the office as he taps on the counter. Len produces a bottle of ketchup and salt and pepper. Bernie points. Len takes over being lookout as Bernie dresses his food. Lights fade.)

Week 39, Day 271 - “Slow Down Life’s Too Short Stop Smell The Roses Get While The Getting’s Good Bar and Grill”

“Slow Down Life’s Too Short Stop Smell The Roses Get While The Getting’s Good Bar and Grill”

Written by Joe Janes

10/16/09

271 of 365

CAST

Noah, 30s

Dacry, 30s

Bruno, 50s

Jose, 40s

(Lights up on Darcy and Patrick sitting at a table looking at menus.)

NOAH

This lace looks exactly like it did ten years ago.

DARCY

It does. Same junkyard stuff on the wall.

NOAH

Guess they couldn’t afford any new junk.

(Bruno enters. He is an older man, a little overweight and a little high-strung.)

BRUNO

Hi, folks. I’m Bruno. Welcome to Slow Down Life’s Too Short Stop Smell the Roses Get It While The Gettin’s Good Bar and Grill. What would you like?

NOAH

I’m not really sure.

DARCY

Hey, you own the place, don’t you?

BRUNO

I do. This is my place.

DARCY

He waited on us on our first date.

NOAH

Oh, yeah.

BRUNO

Well…. Isn’t that something? What can I get you?

NOAH

UH, I’ll have a Miller Lite.

DARCY

Me, too. And let’s order some buffalo wings.

BRUNO

Ooh, uh… Let me check on those. (Bruno walks to the kitchen door and yells inside.) Jose! Jose! Look in the back of the freezer and see if we have an old bag of Buffalo wings! Look behind the suet! Move the suet and look behind it.

DARCY

That’s okay. That’s okay.

BRUNO

It’s no problem. Jose will find it. I’ll go heat up the fryer and get your beers. (He exits.)

DARCY

I don’t think they’re doing very well.

NOAH

Doesn’t seem like it. Want to leave.

DARCY

I’d feel horrible if we just left.

NOAH

Well, let’s just get our beers and antique chicken wings and we’ll go get dinner somewhere else.

(Bruno enters and puts down two cans of beer on the table.)

DARCY

Could I have a glass?

BRUNO

Classy. (Bruno walks to another table and picks up an empty glass and inspects it. He wipes it on his shirt and drops it off in front of Darcy.)

NOAH

I think we ordered Miller Lite.

BRUNO

Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. We’re all out. All we have is Milwaukee’s Best.

DARCY

I’ve never had a Milwaukee’s Best.

BRUNO

It’s good. You know, it’s Milwaukee’s Best. I’ll go check on your chicken wings. (Bruno nods and exits. Darcy opens her can and takes a sip.)

DARCY

Ooh, oh. It tastes tinny.

NOAH

Don’t drink it.

DARCY (looks at can)

Is there an expiration date?

(Noah looks at his can.)

NOAH

No, Just an ad commemorating the Olympics being in Atlanta.

(Bruno enters with the wings and sets them on the table.)

BRUNO

I’m afraid we’re out of hot sauce, so I dumped some ketchup on them.

NOAH

Oh.

DARCY

Do you have any other beer?

BRUNO

Not a fan of the Best?

DARCY

Guess I’m not a connoisseur.

(Bruno looks like he’s about to cry. He looks up, takes a deep breath.)

BRUNO

What kind of beer would you like?

DARCY

What do you have?

BRUNO

Whatever you like?

DARCY

I thought you were out of Miller Lite.

BRUNO

You want Miller Lite. I’ll get you Miller Lite. You, too?

NOAH

Sure.

BRUNO

Jose! (He walks over to the kitchen door. Jose sticks his head out.) Jose, go to the liquor store and pick up a six-pack of Miller Lite. (Jose holds out his hand. Bruno sighs and pulls out his wallet and hands Jose some dollar bills and whatever change he has in his pocket. Jose exits.) And I expect change. (He turns to Noah and Darcy.) Two Miller Lites. Coming right up. (He looks like he’s going to cry again and exits.)

DARCY

This isn’t turning out to be as much fun as I thought it would be.

NOAH

I know. What happened to this place? It used to be so much fun.

(Darcy picks at the wings.)

DARCY

This doesn’t look too bad.

(Noah takes a bite of one and spits it back out.)

NOAH

Except for being drowned in ketchup and frozen in the middle, they’re great.

DARCY

Let’s just leave.

NOAH

Right on.

(They get up and move towards the door. Bruno enters.)

BRUNO

Where you going?

NOAH

We just remembered we told the babysitter we’d be home by 9pm.

BRUNO

It’s only 7:30pm.

DARCY

We live very far away.

(Bruno sits down, looking defeated.)

NOAH

The wings are good.

BRUNO

You want them to go?

NOAH AND DARCY

No!

DARCY

Thank you.

NOAH

We just don’t think they’d keep. Such a long drive, you know.

BRUNO

Sure.

NOAH

Here, let me pay for them. And the beer. How much do I owe you?

BRUNO

Aw, forget it.

NOAH

No, really. I want to pay. It’s only fair.

BRUNO

Fifty bucks.

NOAH

That’s a bit much, don’t you think?

BRUNO

It’s what I need to get the gas turned back on.

NOAH

Oh. (He looks at Darcy. She shrugs.) Sure. Fifty bucks. (Noah gets it out of his wallet.) My name’s Noah. This is my wife, Darcy. We met here. Ten summers ago. At that jukebox.

DARCY

I was here with my sister. Not even looking to meet anyone.

NOAH

I saw her and immediately went to the jukebox and played “Long Cool Woman in A Black Dress” by The Hollies. Then I went over to her and told her I played the song for her. Listen, you have to understand, I never did anything so cliché or potentially creepy before. Way too shy. But I saw this woman and knew I had to meet her no matter how awkward and fumbly it was going to be.

DARCY

And it was very awkward and fumbly. And also made no sense, since I wasn’t wearing black dress. And neither of us works for the FBI.

(Bruno looks confused.)

NOAH

It’s a lyric in that song.

DARCY

And it worked. We fell in love. Here. At your place.

BRUNO

Things were different then. We were kicking ass and making money hand over fist.

DARCY

What happened, Bruno?

BRUNO

Wish I knew. It just slowed down. And stopped. I can’t tell you why. It’s still me. It’s still Jose. I’ve had to let most of my staff go. I don’t even pay Jose. It just stopped.

NOAH

Here’s fifty. And thanks. If you never created this place, I never would have met this woman. I owe you more.

BRUNO

I’ll take it.

NOAH

Uh-

BRUNO

Just kidding. Unless you meant it. (Pause) Just kidding, again. Unless-?

DARCY

We really need to go.

BRUNO (getting up)

Okay, folks. I’m glad some good came out of this place. Guess it’s time to just say good-bye and move on.

NOAH

What will you do?

BRUNO

No clue. Life’s too short to stick around here, though. Right?

NOAH

Right.

(They exit. Bruno sits back down. Jose comes back in with a six-pack. He sits down next to Bruno. He hands Bruno a beer and takes one himself. They clink bottles and sip.)

BRUNO

Where’s my goddamn change?

(Blackout)

Week 12, Day 84 - “The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”

“The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”
Written by Joe Janes
4/12/09
84 of 365

CAST:
Customer
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter picking up the check from the table of a customer. The waiter notices a small business-like card with the money.)

WAITER

What’s this?

CUSTOMER

That explains why I am not tipping you.

WAITER

Did you have a problem with the service?

CUSTOMER

I am not tipping you, as the card explains, because I do not believe in tipping. I believe in paying the price on the menu for my food. If the restaurant wants you to get part of it, they should charge me more and give you a higher wage.

WAITER

Tipping is the way the restaurant keeps cost down and I make a living.

CUSTOMER

I do not believe in it.

WAITER

Yeah, well, I don’t believe in assholes, but guess what?

(Blackout)

Week 11, Day 77 - “The Customer Is Always Right”

“The Customer Is Always Right”
Written by Joe Janes
4/5/09
77 of 365

CAST:
Well-Dressed Man
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter taking an order from a customer.)

WAITER

Hi, welcome to—

WELL-DRESSED MAN

I know exactly what I want. I’ll have the Famous Chopped Salad.

WAITER (starting to walk away)
Very well---

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Hold the scallions, hold the bacon, no cheese, no chicken, and instead of dressing, I’ll just use a lemon wedge.

WAITER
Are you sure you---?

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Please. I am the customer. I know what I want.

WAITER
Very well.

(The waiter exits and returns with a head of lettuce. He sets it down in front of the customer. And then puts a lemon wedge next to it.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else?

(Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 71 - "Cauldron Fresh"

“Cauldron Fresh”
Written by Joe Janes
3/30/09
71 of 365

CAST
Mark, 30s
Heather, 30s
Zelda, 100 or so

(Lights up on health inspector Heather with a clipboard and a white glove entering a kitchen followed by Friday’s manager Mark. Zelda is busy cutting vegetables. Zelda looks like a classic hag witch except she wears a red and white striped shirt, apron and paper hat.)

MARK

As you can see, Heather, we at T.G.I. Friday’s keep the front of the house sparkling clean. You can eat off any surface out there. Floor, ceiling, walls-

HEATHER

Tables?

MARK

Let us throw a disinfected plastic-coated cloth on it first, but yes.

HEATHER

Never judge a book by its cover, Mark, I always say. The true spirit of a restaurant lies here in the kitchen.

MARK

Well, you know, we’re very protective of the ingredients we use-

(She looks around. Zelda nods at Heather; Zelda dumps the veggies into a cauldron in the center of the room.)

HEATHER

What is that?

MARK

That is Zelda, our head cook.

HEATHER (pointing)

Not that that. That.

MARK

Oh. That’s our Amana Open Flame Self-Cleaning Cauldron.

HEATHER

I see.

MARK

It’s how we get that “country flavor” we’re so famous for.

HEATHER

And the country we’re talking about is…?

MARK

11th century Scotland, mostly.

HEATHER

You really shouldn’t have an open flame like this in the middle of your kitchen. It’s dangerous.

MARK

It’s pretty safe, actually. We installed good ventilation. Cement around the base. Zelda’s fully trained and the only one who uses it. In fact, she’s are only kitchen employee.

HEATHER (looks around)

You don’t have any ovens or grills or fryers. Not even a microwave.

MARK

Don’t need it. We do all our cooking cauldron-style.

HEATHER

You make fried BBQ Pork Fingers in the cauldron?

MARK

We’re out of it, right now, but yep.

HEATHER

Salads?

MARK

Cauldron fresh.

HEATHER

Desserts?

MARK

All cauldron-based cuisine. Would you like to see how it works?

HEATHER

Indeed, I would.

MARK

Zelda, go ahead and whip up a number 38.

(Zelda scoops up a bunch of ingredients off the counter and walks over to the cauldron. The lights shift as she speaks. Thunder rolls in the background and there’s the occasional spark of lightning. Kick starting a fog machine would be good here, too.)

ZELDA

Womb of the great goddess, hear our cries,
We give you gifts of lizard tail and dragon’s eyes,
The ground up wings of bottle flies,
Strips of dried flesh from Bill O’Reilly’s thighs!
So your loins may belch upon the world…

(The lights calm and the sound and fury subside.)

…A basket of lightly seasoned fries.

(She presents the fries to Heather. She tries one.)

HEATHER

This is actually really good. May I have another?

MARK

Please do, Heather.

HEATHER

I can’t believe how crispy and flavorful they are- oh, my head…I feel dizzy…

(Mark grabs her clipboard as she faints to the floor. He writes on it.)

MARK

Another successful health inspection for Friday’s.

(Zelda grabs a butcher’s knife and approaches Heather.)

MARK

And I’ll let the servers know that BBQ Pork Fingers is back on the menu!

(Zelda brings the knife down. Blackout.)