Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365
CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8
(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)
MRS. GRUBER
Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)
MRS. GRUBER (continuing)
Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?JOEY
He doesn’t like us?NATE
He’s a foreigner?CHRISSY
He’s angry like my dad?MRS. GRUBER
No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.KATRINA
Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?MRS. GRUBER
Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.MICKEY
Do squirrels speak squirrel?MRS. GRUBER
That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?KATRINA
Where to find nuts.MRS. GRUBER
Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too. CHRISSY
That’s gross.MRS. GRUBER
They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it. MICKEY
You could write you name on your garbage.MRS. GRUBER
Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)
JOEY
Ow! He bit me!MRS. GRUBER
That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?NATE (raising hand)
Don’t pet wild animals.MRS. GRUBER
Very good, Nathan.JOEY
I’m bleeding.
MRS. GRUBERMICKEY
Cauterize the wound.MRS. GRUBER
Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)JOEY
Ow!MRS. GRUBER
What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?KATRINA
Scars?CHRISSY
Emotional scars?MICKEY
Fleas?NATHAN
I know! Rabies!MRS. GRUBER
That’s right, rabies!JOEY
Rabies?(Joey faints.)
CHRISSY
You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.MRS. GRUBER
That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?MICKEY
My grandpa eats them.MRS. GRUBER
I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?KATRINA
Hit them with cars?MRS. GRUBER
Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too. CHRISSY
Shoot them.MRS. GRUBER
Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.MICKEY
And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.MRS. GRUBER
I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.JOEY (regaining consciousness)
Burn the trees.MRS. GRUBER
Burn the trees!NATE
You could just not feed them.MRS. GRUBER
Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)
