Week Eight, Day 54 - “Self-Storage”

“Self-Storage”
Written by Joe Janes
3/13/09
54 of 365

CAST:
Brownie, 40s
Turk, 40s

(Lights up on Brownie sitting at a table in front of his house. Next to him is a large lidded trash can. Turk walks up.)

TURK

Hey, Brownie.

BROWNIE

Turk.

TURK

Kind of small for a yard sale, isn’t it?

BROWNIE

Had a few things in self-storage I thought I’d try to get rid of. Maybe make a few dollars before I just give it all to the city dump.

TURK

I see.

BROWNIE

Had this stuff for years. Dragging it around from house-to-house, some for a few decades, even. Figured it was time to let it all go.

TURK (holding up pieces of something ceramic)

Sounds like a good plan. What’s this?

BROWNIE

Oh, that’s the vase I threw at my ex-wife’s head. A little super glue should make that right as rain.

TURK

I never knew you were married.

BROWNIE

Was. Very was. And the reason it became was is in your hands.

TURK

Looks like there’s some blood on it.

BROWNIE

Mahtilda had to get twelve stitches. Up near the hairline, so it’s not too bad. Not as bad as she thinks. Cost $1500 at the emergency room. Uh, here’s the bill. That’s for sale, too.

TURK

I’m guessing you were drunk as a skunk.

BROWNIE

I wish. Nope. Just an outraged asshole.

TURK

It happens. Broke my kid’s arm, once. Didn’t mean to, just, errrrr…don’t get ice cream on the leather car seat, you know?

BROWNIE

I know, I know.

TURK

I’ll think about the vase. Not much of a flower guy, but my mom might like it.

BROWNIE

Take both. I’ll throw in the bill for free. Just looking to let it all go. You need a gift for your mom?

TURK

Birthday’s coming up. 73, or four, maybe six. Not sure I want to spend too much. She’ll be dead soon and I might not get it back.

BROWNIE (looks around table)

Mom, mom, mom…here’s a birthday card I got my mom and never sent. I wrote all over the front, back and inside about how I hated her, how she never was there for me, how she let dad walk all over her. Really poured my guts out. Lot of hateful, spiteful things. Never sent it, though. Still has a stamp on it.

TURK

It’s heavy. Twenty-cent stamp. That was some time ago.

BROWNIE

College. I was the angry young man. Fuck you, God (flips off the sky).

TURK

Ever tell your mom about it?

BROWNIE

She died two years later. So, no. I think she knew how I felt, though. Let you have it for a buck.

TURK

I’m going to take you up on that. Whew. This smells a little ripe.

BROWNIE

Oh, that. I’ve done lots of stupid stuff out of anger, but that’s probably the one thing I want to get rid of the most.

TURKS

Looks like little kid pants.

BROWNIE

Yep. Tan corduroy. Parents got them for me when I performed in the Christmas pageant at school in the sixth grade. Front and center, me singing “O Holy Night.”

TURK

Solo?

BROWNIE

Solo. I had a great singing voice before the gonads dropped and took my vocal cords with ‘em. Right in the middle of the first verse, right around “Fall on your knees,” I pissed myself.

TURK

That’s awful.

BROWNIE

Shows up nice and dark when you’re wearing tan corduroy.

TURK

People start laughing?

BROWNIE

Howling, convulsing and falling out of their seats is more like it.

TURK

Wow. I feel bad just hearing it.

BROWNIE

Would have finished my solo, too, if I hadn’t freaked out so much that I crapped myself. Left a trail of heel marks when I ran off the stage. That’s when my dad gave me the nickname “Brownie.”

TURK

I always wondered. Well, I’m going to take this card off your hands (hands Brownie a dollar). I think my mother will appreciate the thought. Good luck getting rid of everything else.

BROWNIE

Thanks, Turk. See you at the bowling alley.

(Turk walks off. Brownie sits there for a moment. He sees that no one else is coming up. He takes all the junk on the table and quickly sweeps it into the trashcan, slamming the lid on it and moving it downstage as to put it on the curb. He walks into his house. A moment later, he rushes back out, grabs the can and takes it back in with him. Blackout.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Four -"Gravy Boat"

“Gravy Boat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/11/09
24 of 365

Cast:
Gert, 60s
Richard, 60s
Jeff, 30s
Clive, 40s

(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)

GERT

We should have done this years ago.

RICHARD

You just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.

GERT

You really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?

RICHARD

Never know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.

GERT

We’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.

RICHARD

Aye, aye, my sweet.

(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)

JEFF

Still setting up, Gert?

GERT

We might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.

JEFF

Saw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.

GERT (confidentially)

I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.

JEFF

Jeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?

GERT

Go right ahead.

JEFF

I always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.

GERT

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

JEFF

More ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.

GERT

Really?

JEFF

Sure. Happens all the time.

(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)

RICHARD

Our first customer! We made a sale, yet?

JEFF

Sorry, Richard, not yet.

RICHARD

Help me with this, Gert.

GERT (watching Jeff)

Sure thing.

(Jeff picks up a dish.)

JEFF

Don’t see these too much.

RICHARD

What’s that?

JEFF

What do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?

GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)

I don’t think there ever was one.

JEFF

How much you want for it?

GERT

Gee, I don’t know-

RICHARD

Let me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.

JEFF (laughing)

Sold!

GERT (grabbing boat)

Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?

RICHARD

Gert!

GERT

Ask yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?

RICHARD

Use it to contain his excess gravy?

JEFF

Actually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.

GERT

Nice try.

RICHARD

Can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.

GERT

Tell him, Jeff.

JEFF

Tell him, what?

GERT

About Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.

JEFF

I found a gravy boat in your trash.

GERT

He’s trying to make a fortune off us.

RICHARD

How is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?

GERT

He buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.

JEFF

That’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?

GERT

I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.

RICHARD (sighs)

Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.

GERT

I won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

You have flipped your lid, Gert.

JEFF

Five hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.

RICHARD

Hey, now.

JEFF

If this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.

GERT

Sold!

(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)

RICHARD

You’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?

(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)

CLIVE

Well, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.

JEFF

Really?

CLIVE

Nearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.

JEFF

I’ll take three.

(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)

CLIVE

Deal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)

CLIVE (continuing)

You’re home, baby. You’re home!

(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)

ZED WINS THIS WEEK

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