Written by Joe Janes
36 of 365
(Lights up on the International Space Station. Glenn and Sergei are “floating” downstage working on some control panels. In the background, Midge and Topol work on a hydroponics project.)
SERGEIGlenn. Nice to have a new face on the space station.
GLENNThanks, Sergei. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t care how many books you read or how many TV shows or movies you see, nothing captures the experience of actually being blasted into space and then, well, being here. The beauty out there. So, clear and it goes on forever. It’s awe-inspiring.
SERGEIYeah, that gets old fast. So, what did you bring?
GLENNWhat did I bring? The usual stuff, I guess.
SERGEINo bullshitting. We’re up here together for a year. If you brought something you weren’t supposed to, tell me. Or I’ll find out later when I go through your things.
GLENNHey, what are you saying? You’re not allowed to go through my personal things.
SERGEIThere are a lot of things I’m not allowed to do. Doesn’t stop me from doing them. There are only four of us up here. You want to call mission control and have them send your mommy to come pick you up?
GLENNI’m just saying that in the interest of peaceful international relations, we’re not getting off to a good start.
SERGEIOkay, Glenn. But if you’re really interested in peaceful relations, you’ll tell me what you brought.
GLENNI told you what I brought.
SERGEIGlenn, it’s okay. Everybody brings something they’re not supposed to. Everybody.
SERGEITopol, back there. Brought a stack of pornography magazines. Didn’t you, Topol?
SERGEI (continuing)God bless him.
GLENNDoes he share?
SERGEIUnfortunately, yes. He’s in to fatties with bad skin and hair. But, you know…in a pinch…
GLENNDid Midge bring porn?
SERGEIMidge brought pot.
GLENNShe brought marijuana.
SERGEISeeds, too. Check out hydroponics specimen 420.
GLENNThis is sensitive equipment. You can’t smoke in here.
SERGEIWe don’t. We step outside. Remember that astronaut that lost a tool bag on a space walk?
(Sergei mimes hitting on a joint.)
GLENNBut, you’d have to smoke inside your space suit helmet.
SERGEIBest high in your life.
GLENNWhat did you bring, Sergei? Vodka?
SERGEI (angry)That’s a pretty racist comment, American… Just kidding! You want some?
(He sips on a straw coming out of the shoulder of his work suit.)
GLENNSure, why not. (He takes a small sip.) Wow –
SERGEIMakes the paste-food we eat a lot more palatable.
GLENNYou guys sure know how to party. Sorry I was so cagey about “bringing stuff.” When you said, “everybody does it” I didn’t think you meant everybody.
SERGEII knew you brought something.
GLENNI did. A gun.
(He pulls a small handgun out of his pocket)
MIDGEHe has a gun!!!
TOPOLEverybody get down!
(The three continue hovering and cover their heads with their arms.)
GLENNNo, no, no, no. It’s okay. I have the safety on.
SERGEIA gun! You bring a fucking gun onto a space station?
MIDGEWhat the hell were you thinking, Glenn?
GLENNHey, you brought pot.
TOPOLIf you can’t smoke it, eat it or tug to it, it’s worthless.
SERGEIAnd dangerous. You accidentally shoot through the hull and we’ll all get sucked out of a hole the size of my belly button. And my belly button is petite.
GLENNI thought it might come in handy.
TOPOLDoes my pornography threaten you?
GLENNA little. But I would never use my gun for that. Look, it’s space. The final frontier. We don’t know what’s out here. We’re just sitting ducks waiting for some zombie space aliens to come along and eat our brains.
SERGEIZombie space aliens. You’ve seen too many movies.
TOPOLGood thing you’re here to protect us. I don’t want a zombie space alien eating my porn.
MIDGEI think one already ate Glenn’s brain.
GLENNAll right. All right. It was dumb. You’ll never see this thing, again. (He puts it in his pocket.) Sorry I didn’t bring any good contraband to share.
(He goes back to work. The others do not.)
SERGEIIt’s okay, American. We’re glad you are here.
GLENNThanks. Why are you all staring at me?
(They all three grab him and start eating him. Lights fade.)