Week 43, Day 299 - "Thief" or "Shark Jumped"

“Thief” or “Shark Jumped”

Written by Joe Janes

11/13/09

299 of 365

CAST

Emily, 20s

Joe, 40s

Mary Cait, 20s

Ed, 20s

Garin, 20s

(Lights up on Emily holding a sign that says “Joe Janes Is A Thief!”)

EMILY

Joe Janes is a thief! Joe Janes is a thief!

(Mary Cait and Ed walk by.)

EMILY (continuing)

Joe Janes is a thief! Are you going to see his show?

MARY CAIT

Yeah.

EMILY

Well, you should know he’s a thief. He steals his ideas from his writing students.

ED

We already have tickets. We got them at a discount.

(They exit.)

EMILY

Enjoy laughing at the sweat and blood of other writers! Stolen sweat! Uncredited blood!

(Joe enters.)

JOE

Emily? Emily what are you doing?

EMILY

Telling the world the truth. That you are a hack. Joe Janes steals all his ideas!

JOE

Keep it down, would you? There’s people inside. Okay, just two, but, they paid for their tickets. What are you talking about? Is this about Suzan-Lori Parks? I’m up front about that.

EMILY

I’m sure she didn’t resort to stealing ideas for her plays.

JOE

Not really plays, per se, but what are you referring to?

EMILY

Okay, well, for one, you wrote a scene about the “R” word.

JOE

You got me. I stole mental retardation and claimed it as my own.

EMILY

Ha, ha. Three months ago, in our writing class, Eduardo wrote a scene about the “R” word. Then last week, I read yours on-line. I find that very interesting.

JOE

Many people have written scenes that deal with the “R” word, even Second City.

EMILY

You also wrote a “Twilight” scene and April wrote a “Twilight” scene.

JOE

I’ve seen or heard over a dozen “Twilight” scenes in the past year. It’s the new Harry Potter for easy parodies.

EMILY

Randall wrote a chariot race scene and then you wrote a scene about a Roman emperor.

JOE

I also ate a Caesar salad. How do you know I didn’t lift the idea from salad dressing?

EMILY

I wrote a tarot card scene.

JOE

I remember and so?

EMILY

And you, all of a sudden, write a Ouija board scene. Very interesting.

JOE

Emily-

(Garin, a shirtless overweight man with his face painted gold and green and carrying a 20oz of beer storms up to them and getting on their faces shouting….)

GARIN

Go Irish! Go Irish! Fuck ya’! Irish! Irish! Irish! Whooo!

(He exits.)

JOE

That was weird.

Emily

Yeah.

JOE

Emily, having a scene that addresses the same or similar topic as another scene doesn’t make it stealing. If that were the criteria for originality, no one would write anything. Break-up scenes, doctor-patient scenes, office scenes, family scenes, they’ve all been done before. All. And if I’m writing 365 scenes, I’m going to cover a lot of the same territory and probably more than once.

EMILY

I understand. So, writing 365 scenes is no big deal if you just rewrite all the scenes you have ever heard or seen.

(Awkward pause.)

JOE

That’s correct. How much for you to leave?

EMILY

Free classes.

JOE

Done.

(They high five. Blackout.)

Week 32, Day 224 -“A Thing I Wrote”

“A Thing I Wrote”

Written by Joe Janes

8/30/09

224 of 365

CAST

Vaughn, 40s

RICHARD, late 60’s

JAY, 20s

SARAH 20s

KENNETH early 30s

BARBARA 40s

(Lights up on five empty chairs. Offstage, we hear someone struggle with something. Vaughn enters.)

VAUGHN (to the audience)

So, this is a thing I wrote. If you’re like me, you really hate it when the author creates a character to represent him and then has the character address the audience. “Why don’t you just tell a frickin’ story?” “Why do you have to be so weird?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” The answer is, “This is what I wrote. This is how it came out.” My goal is to write one full-length play a year. I started that goal ten years ago. I have since written three plays. But, this time, I’m serious. I’m 45 years old. Or, as my brain hears it, five years from 50. I’m single. Not married. Never married. Apparently incapable of marriage according to my ex-fiancé. Straight. No kids. I want to leave something for the world. I want to create something that lasts. So, in another 50 years, some theater guy somewhere takes a stack of my plays and says, “Hey, let’s do a Vaughn Tweeder play festival. His stuff is still vital today. Whenever we put on one of his plays, we make money. People love his guy.”

I have never made money from one of my plays. Never.

So, how do I make a living? Depends on how you define “living,” but I make money teaching sketch comedy writing.

(Five students come out and sit near Vaughn. There is RICHARD, an older man in his 60’s, JAY, a young man who dropped out of college, SARAH, a young woman in her late 20’s, KENNETH, a young man in his early 30’s, and BARBARA, a housewife in her 40’s.)

VAUGHN (continuing)

All right. The assignment was to write a Fish Out of Water scene. Who’d like to read their assignment? (Silence) Who’s going to read their assignment? (More uneasy silence)… Richard?

RICHARD

I wasn’t able to get to a copier before class.

VAUGHN

That’s okay. We can just crowd around your one copy and read that.

RICHARD

Well, since I wasn’t able to make copies, I didn’t bring it.

VAUGHN

There you go. Jay?

JAY

I meant to do the assignment. I was going to do it this morning, but I got really drunk last night, which kind of bled over into this morning. And this afternoon.

VAUGHN

Perfectly understandable. (Barbara raises her hand.) Barbara?

BARBARA

I wasn’t here last week, so I didn’t know what the assignment was.

VAUGHN

You have my e-mail, right?

BARBARA

Oh, yes, I guess I do.

VAUGHN

You all seem a little surprised that in a writing class, you’re expected to write.

SARAH

I wrote mine.

VAUGHN

Does it in any way involve any of the characters being decapitated in the end?

SARAH

Yes. …But it’s funny.

VAUGHN

Please find another way to end your scenes other than ritual beheadings.

SARAH

Oh, in this one it’s spontaneous, not premeditated. Just saying. I took your feedback.

KENNETH

I had an idea for a scene. Do you want to hear my idea?

VAUGHN

Sure. Why not?

KENNETH

Freddy Mercury is a Catholic priest who anal rapes an altar boy. He seduces him by singing Queen songs. (He thrusts his hips while singing) “Ooh, you’re my best friend…”

VAUGHN

Freddy Mercury is dead.

KENNETH

That’s the Fish Out of Water part. He finds himself alive AND a Catholic priest.

VAUGHN

Okay. There seems to be some misconception. We are here to learn to write scenes. Solid scenes that feature fleshed out characters with strong passions and flaws and histories and relationships. Characters and situations we can relate to.

JAY

But that’s not what I see on television.

VAUGHN

We’re not writing for television. We’re writing for the stage. This is where you learn your craft.

JAY

I’d write if I had something to write about. I just didn’t think any of my ideas were funny.

RICHARD

I wrote a scene that wasn’t the assignment.

VAUGHN

Excellent.

RICHARD

A pirate, a retard and Dr. Phil are all on “Real World.”

VAUGHN

Why are they on “Real World”?

RICHARD

Because it’s funny?

VAUGHN

Okay. Fine. It’s a funny idea, but then what? Is it a scene? Aside from the fact the three of them would never be on “Read World”-

RICHARD

Thus the funny.

VAUGHN

Where does the scene go from there? What keeps it from being another Saturday Night Live sketch that tells it’s joke in the first thirty seconds and then goes on another three-and-a-half painful minutes. How does the scene move forward? How do you raise the stakes?

RICHARD

Dr. Phil is a vampire.

VAUGHN

And why is Dr. Phil a vampire?

RICHARD

Because he got bit by a vampire.

VAUGHN

Look, let’s rewind a little bit and just talk about writing. You guys keep waiting to have funny ideas before you start writing. Don’t wait to have something to write about. Write even when you have nothing to write about. (Aside) I don’t do this, by the way. (Back to class) Free write. Let the words flow and discover an idea to write about. (Aside) That either.

Writing is rewriting. A good scene takes time. Revision. Don’t give up on a scene before you even finish the first draft. (Aside) Unlike me.

Have a plan. Plot out your ideas. Know where you want your scene to go and take it there. (Aside – Vaughn just does a take to the audience, shaking his head)

What you write about is arbitrary. It’s the process of writing and your perspective that makes your work unique.

BARBARA (raising hand)

I have no perspective.

VAUGHN

If you’re a human being you have a perspective.

Go see live theater. Go see sketch revues. By seeing what’s out there, you’ll see for yourself what works and what doesn’t work. When was the last time any of you saw a show?

SARAH

I watched SNL – The Best of David Spade.

VAUGHN

Better than nothing. How was it?

SARAH

I don’t really remember. I think it was funny.

VAUGHN

Write every day. It’s like working out. You’re developing a muscle here. Write every day.

Write for the stage. Stop putting in things like “and then they drive to the restaurant and get out of the car” How much time is that? Do they talk in the car? Does the audience sit in silence as the characters do that? Does a large man dressed in a bunny suit jump out and move his arms like a clock and make ticking sounds to indicate time shift? You’re writing for the stage. You’re putting real people in a real place in real time in front of other people. Make it worth their while. (He looks apologetically to the audience). Take a break. You have an assignment for the break. Eavesdrop on conversations. Come back with a few lines of dialogue. We’re going to work on writing scenes about human beings. (A man dressed in a bunny suit comes out and makes ticking sounds while moving his arms like a clock. He says, “ding!” and exits.) Okay. Who did their assignment on the break?

KENNETH

What assignment?

(Vaughn slaps his forehead. Lights out.)

Week 29, Day 198 - “The Ding Dong Song”

“The Ding Dong Song”
Written by Joe Janes
8/4/09
198 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber in her classroom with a school bell. She stands before the class. In the corner, we see an empty chair facing the wall. She rings the bell seven times.)

MRS. GRUBER (warbling)

I’m your school bell ding-dong-ding,
Boys and girls all hear me ring,
Every time I ding-dong-ding
Come with me to play and sing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
Hello boys and girls. How are you today? Oh, that’s wonderful. We’re going to learn so many exciting things today. We’ll learn to blow bubbles, make turkeys with our hands, how to skip rope and how to keep others from taking things from you that don’t belong to them, like your dignity or lawn ornaments.

(Warbling)
I will teach you many a thing,
Math, history and reading,
You can cut mom’s apron string,
Swim without a water wing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
How old are you? Do you know? Can you show me with your fingers how old you are? Oh, that’s very good. I’d show you how old I am with my fingers, but the arthritis makes it difficult to distinguish my fives from big, lumpy ones. Let’s just say Mrs. Gruber is older than you and has a lot to share about life. You know how some of you, and you know who you are, sometimes worry about wetting yourself? I know, I know. It happens. Does your mother make you wear rubber pants? Nothing to be ashamed about. You’ll grow out of it. And then, years later, you’ll grow back into it. Rubber pants and all.

(Warbling)
I have lessons big and small,
Learn to walk while others crawl,
Soaring’s good, it’s bad to fall,
You’re fine with me, you’re on the ball,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
That’s right, children. We’re here to learn. And to learn means doing what I say, when I say. Listen and learn. Do you know what I mean when I say to listen? Listening is very important. Open ears and a closed mouth will help get you through life.

(Warbling)
Play by my rules, I’ll be fair,
You’ll live a life without care,
If you kick, shout, spit or swear,
You’ll sit out the year in that chair (points to chair in corner,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-d-i-i-i-i-i-ing

(Blackout)

Week 25, Day 175 - “Those Who Can't”

“Those Who Can’t”
Written by Joe Janes
7/12/09
175 of 365

CAST
Nick, 30s
Ed, 50s

(Lights up on the small teachers lounge of an arts school. There is rag tag furniture about, including a worn out, well napped upon couch. A small refrigerator and a filthy coffee maker. There is a small table with mismatched chairs. Ed is sitting at a table smoking a cigarette. He looks pensive. Nick walks in. He sees Ed. Ed gives him a nod and flicks an ash into a can of Diet Coke. Nick looks at his watch.)

NICK

What’s wrong with this picture?

ED

I’ll put it out, if you want.

NICK

I don’t care. It’s the city that cares. That’s why they designated that corner on the third floor of the parking garage as a place for you and your ilk. You can’t miss it. It’s well marked by an ever-increasing pile of stubbed butts. Got another?

(Ed hands Nick a cigarette and gives him a light.)

ED

You have a class?

NICK

Tech rehearsal. Later. I’m early. I was already downtown and no place to go. You, however, have a class. You have a class every night of the week. This is practically a fulltime job for you.

ED

It is a fulltime job for me. For me.

NICK

So, who’s in there watching the kids?

ED

Probably nobody. It’s only ten after. Assuming the class is all there, they’ll either leave because of the mythical “ten minute rule” or start playing games on their own. Or, at least, the suck-ups will stick around and do that.

NICK

The office know you’re in here?

ED

Not unless one of the kids got a clue and told them.

NICK

They might get smart and pop their head in the teachers lounge to look for a teacher.

ED

Good point.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. He closes it and deadbolts it. He sits back down.)

NICK

Do you want to take a photo of me holding today’s newspaper? Or would you rather I cut letters out of it for the ransom note?

ED

You can leave any time you want, Nick. I’m the one who’s stuck here.

NICK

Clever. I’m on to you.

ED

What?

NICK

Using tobacco to cover the smell of the scotch on your breath.

ED

I wish I had that to blame.

NICK

You’re still on the wagon?

ED

Well, clinging to the side, at least. It’s just me in here, Nick. Sober.

NICK

Then you need to take some time off. Get away from this shithole.

ED

Great idea. Except I only get paid when I work. Per class. A vacation means money going out and none coming in. A vacation for me would involve staying at home and not doing anything that involves the monetary system.

NICK

Ed, you’re a great teacher.

ED

No. I’m not.

NICK

Yes. You are. I had you as a teacher. Even when you were a drunk, you were a great teacher.

ED

Well, I’m not one anymore. A drunk or a great teacher.

NICK

Jesus, Ed. I’ve never seen you like this. I mean, I’ve seen you all crotchety and bitter, before. But this is… big.

ED

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of waiting for students to show up on time. I’m sick of fucking cell phones going off and fucking text messaging. I’m sick of looks of resentment when I ask people to get up and do some work. They fucking paid to be here and they act like I’m fucking kicking them in the kidney. They don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck.

NICK

What the fuck is that? These classes are expensive. I couldn’t even afford to be a student here.

ED

Maybe that’s the problem. The students who would appreciate it the most can’t afford to be here.

NICK

Yeah. Maybe.

ED

Or they only want to listen to you until they figure out you’re not their passport to fame and fortune.

NICK

You’re the dude who drilled into me the importance of craft.

ED

Nobody fucking cares about craft anymore.

NICK

I have a student who’s also taking classes at three other places. They’re a terror in class because their brain is collapsing around all the conflicting information.

ED

What’s the fucking hurry?

NICK

Exactly. It’s an art form. You study it. Not implant it.

ED

Fucking kids want the end result without doing the work. Without going through the process.

NICK

“Whoa - I know Kung Fu.”

ED

Guess I’m a relic. I don’t belong here.

NICK

I know that’s not true.

ED

Why?

NICK

Because you’re still here.

ED

Is that some Buddhist bullshit?

NICK

No. I mean, for a guy who wants to blow off a class, you’re maintaining an unusually close vicinity.

ED

Somewhere, somewhere I stopped following my dreams. MY dreams. I shifted from having teaching supplement my income to becoming my income. I don’t do plays anymore because I can’t afford to take the time off from teaching. When the hell did that happen?

NICK

Age 38.

ED

Was it?

NICK

Was for me. I don’t do “starving artist.” I do “eating, paying rent, needs to lose a few pounds artist.” Fifteen years out of college and I was still borrowing money from my parents. Done with that shit.

ED

Do you regret it?

NICK

Sometimes. I wonder what would have happened if I went to LA after college instead of coming here.

ED

I had friends who went out there when I went here.

NICK

Anyone make it big?

ED

No name you’d recognize. Nothing I bother to watch. It breaks my heart I can’t make a living in theater. You know JB?

NICK

The Smiley Window Guy?

ED

Yeah. The Smiley Window Guy. Great actor, too. The Smiley Window Guy gig pays his bills for him and his wife and baby. The last time I saw him on stage was in an Arthur Miller play four years ago. They had to mop the floor after every show because people cried so much. All the reviewers loved it. Loved him. He did that show for eight weeks. Four shows a week. How many of those shows do you think sold out?

(NICK shrugs.)

ED (continues)

Opening night and closing night. How much money do you think he made?

NICK

Dick. He made dick.

ED

Twenty-five dollars. Total. The producers split the profits among the cast and crew. Assuming they didn’t cancel any shows, that means he rehearsed for free and then got a pay bump up to $1.28 a show. This town sucks.

NICK

Great place to learn, bad place to make a living.

ED

He starts teaching here next term.

NICK

JB?

ED

Yeah. Can’t afford to be an actor anymore.

NICK

Look. I have my complaints, but this ain’t such a bad gig. I made a choice to be here. I see a kid do well or do better in my class, because of my class, it makes me feel good. I find myself rooting for them.

(Nick makes a pot of coffee. He reuses a filter full of coffee he fishes from the trash.)

ED

Christ, with what they charge for classes, you think they could afford to keep us jacked up on coffee.

NICK

What, and eat into the profit margin? That’s crazy talk.

ED

What the hell have I done? I feel like I’m waking up from a binge. Instead of booze, it’s been my life. My career. This is all I have. My savings are shit. No 401k. No insurance. If I don’t go in that classroom and go on autopilot, I may as well check in at the Hotel D’Transient with a bag full of dog biscuits.

NICK

Then you should go in there.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. Nick pours a cup of coffee from a still dripping coffee maker. He holds out a cup to Ed.)

ED

I can’t. I’ve got nothing.

NICK

Have a cup of courage.

ED

I didn’t know courage smelled like ass.

(Ed takes the cup and unloads several sugar packets into it.)

NICK

A great teacher once told me, wisely, that it’s not about me.

ED

A great teacher?

NICK

Okay, some drunk. The point is, I don’t do it for me. I do it for the students. If you do it for the paycheck, you’re doing it for you and you’re not doing anyone, except for the bill collectors, any favors. That’s what keeps me teaching. Because, believe me, I forget it from time to time. I cry over a career that’s not where it’s “supposed” to be. Boo-hoo. So, what. The planet’s still spinning. If the best I have to aim for is making a difference with someone else, then, fuck it, that’s what I’ll aim for.

ED

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NICK

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

ED

You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. Hell, I wouldn’t even make it to the bed at night. Having to be somewhere helps. It helps a lot.

(There’s the sound of the door handle being turned and then a knock at the door.)

ED

You’re a good teacher, Nick.

NICK

Well, I had a good teacher who passed it on to me.

(There’s another knock at the door.)

ED

Hold your fucking horses!

(Ed turns and looks at Nick.)

NICK

Look. I could pick up the class for you. I could use the $100. You can stay in here and smoke your life away.

ED

Tempting offer. But I think you’re right.

NICK

I’m right about something?

(Ed turns and faces the door.)

ED

The answer’s not in here. It’s not in me. It’s out there. And I seriously have to get away from this coffee. How can you drink this shit?

NICK

I drink for the effect, not the taste.

ED

Right. I should have left on that “it’s out there” line. That would have been better.

NICK

See. You’ve still got it. Pop in on my tech rehearsal, if you want. Shouldn’t take more than two hours.

ED

Good show?

NICK

Nope.

ED

Maybe I will, Ed. Maybe I will. Lights fade.

(Lights fade. Knocking continues.)

Week Eight, Day 55 - “Happy Ending”

“Happy Ending”
Written by Joe Janes
3/14/09
55 of 365

CAST:
Miss Dugan, 30s

(Lights up on Miss Dugan, a young schoolteacher, seated in a small chair for children. She has a storybook in her hands. To her right and back is her desk.)

MISS DUGAN

Does everyone have their juice and cookies? Yes? Yes... Good. Everyone have a seat on your mat and we’ll have story time. Would you like me to tell you a story? Yes? Yes? ... Good. This is the story of “The Fairy Princess”… Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess… She lived in a castle with her mother, but they were all alone. She hoped one day to meet the handsome prince who lived in a bigger castle on the hill… (Her cell phone rings. She looks at the ID.) I am so sorry children, but Miss Dugan has to get this. It’s a very important telephone call… (She answers) Hello?... Yes. This is Marilyn Dugan…You have the results?… You’re sure?...Really? 100%?...I don’t think there’s a reason to go to a thousand percent; I understand that you are certain…Okay, then… Yes, indeedee, congratulations…thank you. (She hangs up and is quiet for a moment)… Oh, my, Miss Dugan forgot her juice…Can’t do story time without my juice…my potato juice…(She goes back to her desk, opens the bottom drawer, and pours vodka into a coffee cup. She takes a replenishing sip. Pours more vodka into the cup and returns to her seat.) Enjoy life while you can, kids, while you’re in those single digits… (She takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up) Now, kids, what I am doing is bad. Smoking is bad, right? Don’t let me catch any of you smoking. It’s especially bad for mommies. Anybody have a little sister or little brother? Did your mommy get a really big fat belly? When mommies are fat is when smoking is really bad for them. Potato juice, too, but you know, everything in moderation. I still have some time before it does any serious damage… Ha, it’s vodka that got me into this mess. You’re not going to find the answer to life’s problem at the bottom of a juice box, Melvin…Miss Dugan met a prince, boys and girls… (sarcastically) a real Prince… Want to know what his name is? Yes? Yes...His name is Rick. What kind of name is Rick for a prince? Prince Rick. Can you think of any words that rhyme with Rick? …Crick... Chick. Like baby chick… Brick…Kick…Trick’s a good one…Prick… all very good boys and girls. All very good. Thick… there’s another one. You remember how Cinderella lost her glass slipper? Well, one time, Prince Rick lost his latex slipper…But he was very “slick” in making me, his gullible wannabe princess, believe that everything would be all right just as long as he pulled his pumpkin carriage out of the enchanted garage in time… And the very next day, Rick stopped calling…”Dick” – that’s another one. Miss Dugan doesn’t see Rick again until a week later when she sees him probing the esophagus of some bar slut’s throat with his tongue in a booth in the back of the Bennigan’s Miss Dugan sometimes goes to after school. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl …Oh, sorry, where’s my mind? (She stomps out the cigarette on the floor). Let’s finish the story…(She starts flipping through the pages) Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit, and they live happily ever after. Bullshit. Now, drink your juice.

(She sips her vodka. Blackout)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Four -"Gravy Boat"

“Gravy Boat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/11/09
24 of 365

Cast:
Gert, 60s
Richard, 60s
Jeff, 30s
Clive, 40s

(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)

GERT

We should have done this years ago.

RICHARD

You just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.

GERT

You really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?

RICHARD

Never know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.

GERT

We’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.

RICHARD

Aye, aye, my sweet.

(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)

JEFF

Still setting up, Gert?

GERT

We might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.

JEFF

Saw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.

GERT (confidentially)

I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.

JEFF

Jeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?

GERT

Go right ahead.

JEFF

I always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.

GERT

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

JEFF

More ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.

GERT

Really?

JEFF

Sure. Happens all the time.

(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)

RICHARD

Our first customer! We made a sale, yet?

JEFF

Sorry, Richard, not yet.

RICHARD

Help me with this, Gert.

GERT (watching Jeff)

Sure thing.

(Jeff picks up a dish.)

JEFF

Don’t see these too much.

RICHARD

What’s that?

JEFF

What do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?

GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)

I don’t think there ever was one.

JEFF

How much you want for it?

GERT

Gee, I don’t know-

RICHARD

Let me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.

JEFF (laughing)

Sold!

GERT (grabbing boat)

Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?

RICHARD

Gert!

GERT

Ask yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?

RICHARD

Use it to contain his excess gravy?

JEFF

Actually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.

GERT

Nice try.

RICHARD

Can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.

GERT

Tell him, Jeff.

JEFF

Tell him, what?

GERT

About Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.

JEFF

I found a gravy boat in your trash.

GERT

He’s trying to make a fortune off us.

RICHARD

How is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?

GERT

He buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.

JEFF

That’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?

GERT

I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.

RICHARD (sighs)

Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.

GERT

I won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

You have flipped your lid, Gert.

JEFF

Five hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.

RICHARD

Hey, now.

JEFF

If this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.

GERT

Sold!

(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)

RICHARD

You’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?

(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)

CLIVE

Well, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.

JEFF

Really?

CLIVE

Nearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.

JEFF

I’ll take three.

(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)

CLIVE

Deal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)

CLIVE (continuing)

You’re home, baby. You’re home!

(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)

ZED WINS THIS WEEK

So, the Moustache-A-Thon continues. Last night, 826 hosted a preliminary meet-up and good ol' Zed won second place in the organic category. Congrats, Zed! And, yes, the prize was a bag of homemade caramel popcorn. Yum! Next week, is the final night of the competition. You can get your sponsorship dollars in by clicking HERE!

Week Four, Day Twenty-Two -"Macbeth"

“Macbeth”
Written by Joe Janes
2/9/09
22 of 365

CAST:
Jasper, 40s
Nick, 30s
Stage Manager (VO)

(Lights up on Jasper sitting downstage out to the audience putting on stage make-up in a dressing room. He is being very quiet and mindful. He is running through lines in his head and at one point, grabs the script, flips through it, checks it, rolls his eyes and goes back to putting on make-up. Nick enters, whistling Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “The Music of the Night” and carrying an open wet umbrella and a pair of shoes. He places the shoes on the make-up table. Jasper is clearly perturbed by this.)

NICK (shaking out his umbrella – opening and closing it)

Raining cats and dogs, Jasper. Big cats, bigger dogs. All foaming at the mouth.

JASPER

Nick. Nick! I know you are new to all this, but what you are doing right now is very, very bad.

NICK

Doing what?

JASPER

Opening an umbrella inside, repeatedly, placing your shoes on a table, whistling…it’s all considered bad luck

NICK

That’s pretty silly, Jasper. How could any of that have any affect on our show?

JASPER

I don’t know. But it is best not to tempt the fates (he indicates for Nick to remove the shoes. Nick puts them on the floor and puts his umbrella outside the door. As the scene continues, they pantomime putting on elaborate wigs and costumes.)

NICK

Boy, there sure are a lot of rules for just putting on a costume and playing make believe.

JASPER

Is that all this is to you? A big game of cowboys and injuns?

NICK

Sort of, but with lines and blocking. And a buttload of superstitions.

JASPER

Don’t you have any superstitions?

NICK (pulling a play out of his bag and looking at it)

Not really. No. I don’t even care of you spill salt around me or walk under a ladder. I’ve got a pair of lucky socks, but you know, they aren’t always lucky. Deep down, I think they’re just socks.

JASPER

Well, just realize that we theater folk are pretty superstitious. Even if you’re not, you should be respectful.

NICK

No problem there. I’m having a lot of fun, Even though I’m essentially just a spear-carrier who also moves scenery, I’m having a good time.

JASPER

Well, I suppose at the end of the day, that’s the important thing. Having fun. What are you reading?

NICK

I have an audition coming up so I thought I better take a look at the play. Macbeth. That’s how you say it, right? Macbeth?

JASPER (freaked and yelling)

Jumping Jehosaphat, Nick! Never, never utter the title of that play inside a theater, ever!!! Do you hear me? Ever! That play is cursed. Evoking the name of (whispering) the Scottish play – is verboten. Bad, bad things happen.

NICK

Just because I said Macbeth.

JASPER

And now you said it three times! Those other superstitions, I grant you, silly. Ridiculous, even. This one, don’t fuck with it. I was in a play once and the director, jokingly, said that word three times during a laughingly bad dress rehearsal. (mocking) “Could be worse, we could be doing MmMmmm” Opening night, the lead actress stepped on broken glass while barefoot backstage and couldn’t go on. The next night, it monsooned and the costume shop in the basement flooded ruining all the costumes. The third night, the power went out on the entire block. We had to cancel and refund the tickets to a sold out show. We were closed by Sunday.

NICK

Wow. I didn’t know. Who knew a play written 500 years ago would have so much power. I take it back. Can I do that? Take it back?

JASPER

I don’t think it works that way.

STAGE MANAGER (VO on intercom)

Attention, cast and crew. We are five minutes to curtain for Andrew Lloyd Weber On Ice. Act One, scene one performers please report to places.

JASPER

Well, that’s me. No more saying that word, Nick. Promise me.

NICK

You got it, Jasper.

(Jasper exits)

NICK

Good luck!

(Offstage Jasper trips over Nick’s umbrella. He falls and yelps in pain. He limps back in.)

JASPER

The proper expression is “break a leg.”

(Lights out.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON CONTINUES

Shout out to Garin for sponsoring Good Ol' Zed in the 826 Moustache-A-Thon. You can throw your support to this fine educational organization, and to my moustache Zed, by clicking HERE.

MADE IN THE USA

The second sketch I posted for the 365 project dealt with the trade deficit and how nearly everything in America is frustratingly manufactured in China. This came up while trying to buy a pair of shoes at my usual places. Happy to announce that I went to a New Balance store and found these wonderful walking around in shoes. I was looking at them in the store and a woman in a postal uniform pointed at them and praised them. If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is. They are a great pair of shoes. It's like I'm walking on a very firm cloud.