Friday, December 19, 2008

And that's from a vegetarian.


This is a snippet from a school play called Santa Goes Green performed somewhere in Texas.

According to the Lone Star Times, a letter is circulating among conservative parents expressing outrage.

Here's a portion of the letter describing the show, with my comments in parentheses...

"The program Santa Goes Green began with a lively number Merry, Merry Christmas. The children’s chorus sang Christmas wishes to the audience as Santa and Mrs. Claus appeared on stage. The show went downhill from there; Mrs. Claus informed Santa how terribly wasteful many traditions are, including how even Rudolf changed his nose to an LED light, all the while forgetting that the original was lit by an inner light of love that did not use power at all. (I actually don't remember his nose being powered by the inner light of love at all. It goes off at embarrassing moments. As a kid, I equated this with getting boners in class or on the school bus. And Rudolph being a mutant.)

The soloists, during The Greenhouse Effect, preformed admirably. The argument that cutting down trees would make the North Pole as hot as Mexico was laughable. When lumber companies “Clear Cut” they also replant, which is why trees are considered a renewable resource. (Yah, global warming naivete aside, this jerk clearly hasn't looked at any topographical pictures of the Amazon rain forest. Even if what they say is true, replacing a 100-year-old tree with a sapling ain't a fair swap.)

Next, Santa was encouraged to use an “Electric Sleigh” for his Christmas Eve Deliveries in the tune called Turn Off the Pump(and Plug in the Sleigh). If the writer of this piece of political propaganda had thought it through, they would realize that Santa already uses the most ecological source of power; hay burning reindeer whose “exhaust” can be used as compost. (This is true, but a very exploitative and abusive use of animals. Santa's route is flying Iditarod. He probably loses a few reindeer to exhaustion along the way and brings the carcasses home to feed the elves on December 26th for a Christmas bonus. Not to mention all the ozone-depleting methane he's producing. )"

Now, I get the parents being pissed about a school kid's Christmas show having a political message, regardless of the message. But I love that they did this. I wish we had done this when I was in elementary school. Of course, back then, "being green" was called "ecology" and only hippies knew what it meant. A more prominent political issue was the Vietnam War. I would love for us to have done an Apocoplypse Now meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer show. A Marlon Brando-esque Santa is taken down by Herbie the aspiring dentist elf. "The horror, the ho-ho-ho-horror..."

The letter ends with...

"I fled the auditorium as soon as possible. I was angry and offended. I would have left in the middle of the show, except I was sitting in the middle of the row and I did not want to hurt my grand-daughter’s feelings by walking out in the middle of her big night. The premise of the show was awful. It drained the joy of Christmas from my very soul."

It drained the joy of Christmas from your very soul? I have news for you. If the joy of Christmas can be so easily tapped and syphoned out of your soul tank, you ain't got any. Make sure you stuff Bill O'Reilly's latest book into your granddaughter's stocking.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Responding to complaints about noise, Berlin, Germany police found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with what?"

54% said "1 horse"
- Keeping a horse in an apartment? That's not very stable. (Thank you, goodnight, tip your waitress!)

9% said "Anne Frank's relatives"
- As long as they keep coughing up dough for rent, I see no need to tell them WW2 is over.

No one said "50 cats"

36% got it right with "1,700 birds"

According to the AFP, Berlin city officials, summoned by complaints over the noise, found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with 1,700 budgerigars.

The budgies were living on perches installed along the walls, while the floors were saturated with droppings, veterinary services said here Wednesday.

The pensioner told officials he had adopted two birds because he felt lonely and that nature had done the rest.

About 1,000 of the birds were evacuated on Tuesday, 300 on Wednesday, while the remainder were to be taken from the flat to a rescue shelter over the next few days, officials said.

The tenant was also having to move as the flat was deemed no longer fit for human habitation.

He started with two birds and ended up with 1,700 because they were getting it on? This must have been a constant 24/7 bird orgy. What was he doing the whole time? Serving cocktails? Videotaping for the bird porn fetishists? I think if your birds start to over run the place and you have to walk through a layer of bird poop whenever you walk across the room, time to start frying up some budgie omelets to reduce the surplus population. And that's from a vegetarian!