Written by Joe Janes
3/30/09
71 of 365
CAST
Mark, 30s
Heather, 30s
Zelda, 100 or so
(Lights up on health inspector Heather with a clipboard and a white glove entering a kitchen followed by Friday’s manager Mark. Zelda is busy cutting vegetables. Zelda looks like a classic hag witch except she wears a red and white striped shirt, apron and paper hat.)
MARK
As you can see, Heather, we at T.G.I. Friday’s keep the front of the house sparkling clean. You can eat off any surface out there. Floor, ceiling, walls-HEATHER
Tables?MARK
Let us throw a disinfected plastic-coated cloth on it first, but yes.HEATHER
Never judge a book by its cover, Mark, I always say. The true spirit of a restaurant lies here in the kitchen.MARK
Well, you know, we’re very protective of the ingredients we use-(She looks around. Zelda nods at Heather; Zelda dumps the veggies into a cauldron in the center of the room.)
HEATHER
What is that?MARK
That is Zelda, our head cook.HEATHER (pointing)
Not that that. That.MARK
Oh. That’s our Amana Open Flame Self-Cleaning Cauldron. HEATHER
I see.MARK
It’s how we get that “country flavor” we’re so famous for.HEATHER
And the country we’re talking about is…?MARK
11th century Scotland, mostly.HEATHER
You really shouldn’t have an open flame like this in the middle of your kitchen. It’s dangerous. MARK
It’s pretty safe, actually. We installed good ventilation. Cement around the base. Zelda’s fully trained and the only one who uses it. In fact, she’s are only kitchen employee.HEATHER (looks around)
You don’t have any ovens or grills or fryers. Not even a microwave.MARK
Don’t need it. We do all our cooking cauldron-style.HEATHER
You make fried BBQ Pork Fingers in the cauldron?MARK
We’re out of it, right now, but yep.HEATHER
Salads?MARK
Cauldron fresh.HEATHER
Desserts?MARK
All cauldron-based cuisine. Would you like to see how it works?HEATHER
Indeed, I would.MARK
Zelda, go ahead and whip up a number 38.(Zelda scoops up a bunch of ingredients off the counter and walks over to the cauldron. The lights shift as she speaks. Thunder rolls in the background and there’s the occasional spark of lightning. Kick starting a fog machine would be good here, too.)
ZELDA
Womb of the great goddess, hear our cries,We give you gifts of lizard tail and dragon’s eyes,
The ground up wings of bottle flies,
Strips of dried flesh from Bill O’Reilly’s thighs!
So your loins may belch upon the world…
(The lights calm and the sound and fury subside.)
…A basket of lightly seasoned fries.
(She presents the fries to Heather. She tries one.)
HEATHER
This is actually really good. May I have another?MARK
Please do, Heather.HEATHER
I can’t believe how crispy and flavorful they are- oh, my head…I feel dizzy…(Mark grabs her clipboard as she faints to the floor. He writes on it.)
MARK
Another successful health inspection for Friday’s.(Zelda grabs a butcher’s knife and approaches Heather.)
MARK
And I’ll let the servers know that BBQ Pork Fingers is back on the menu!(Zelda brings the knife down. Blackout.)
