Week 34, Day 233 - “A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

“A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

Written by Joe Janes

9/08/09

233 of 365

Cast

DJ Bertram, 30s

Alisa, 29

(Lights up on DJ Bertram spinning “La Vida Loca” behind a set of turntables. He finishes up some high-energy track and grabs his mic.)

DJ BERTRAM

Hey, Class of 99! Are you ready to par-tay! (There is little or no response) Okay! Let’s funk it up and see if we can’t fill this dance floor! (Someone runs up and hands him a note) Before we funk it up, I have this announcement. (He reads the note)… A big list… Christopher Othic, whoo!… Nathanial Topping, yay!… Gregory Wendling, ho!… Michael Bauman, rocks…Joseph Janes, can I get a whoop-whoop!...Geoffrey Crump, Crumpy-crump!...Catherine Monahan, yes!...and (reading note closer) they have all passed away since graduation and we’d like to have a moment of silence…(He now has an awkward moment of silence as all the energy in the room is now completely gone.)…So, um, let’s get this party restarted with (hits switch and music starts playing) another hit from 1999, Smash Mouth’s "All Star"...Enough dead talk, because those guys are all all stars in heaven, or wherever, probably, am I right? Yep! Let’s dance!

(Lights fade as DJ Bertram dances it off.)

Week 27, Day 188 - "WTF"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“WTF”

Written by Joe Janes

7/25/09

188 of 365

CAST

Muriel, late 20s

Tabitha, late 20s

(Lights up on Muriel standing near the buffet table of a high school reunion. Tabitha approaches.)

TABITHA

Muriel? Muriel Klotz?

MURIEL

Yes?

TABITHA (hugs Muriel)

Oh, my God! I haven’t since you since we graduated.

MURIEL

That’s right. We haven’t seen each other since then…you.

TABITHA

You…don’t remember me…it’s Tabitha. Tabitha Letterhos.

MURIEL

Oh, sure. Tabitha! We took Chemistry together.

TABITHA

Biology.

MURIEL

Of course. I get all my sciences mixed up.

TABITHA

You still don’t remember me.

MURIEL

No, no. Of course, I do. Tabitha. Just you’re hair-

TABITHA

Is exactly the same way I wore it ten years ago.

MURIEL

Well, you know, we all have put on a few extra pounds.

TABITHA

Except me.

MURIEL

Except you, is what I was going to say. You look great.

TABITHA

Right. You know, I used to think you were somebody real special. Someone I really admired. And I fooled myself into thinking we were friends, maybe not close friends, but friends enough to be glad to see each other, get together for coffee and to laugh about old times. I wasn’t even on your radar in high school, was I? Well, sorry I bothered you, Muriel. Enjoy the ten-year reunion.

(She exits.)

MURIEL

Facebook me!

(Blackout)

Week 13, Day 86 - "Dually Noted"

“Dually Noted”
Written by Joe Janes
4/14/09
86 of 365

CAST:
Larry, late 30s
Grace, late 30s

(Lights up on Larry, wearing sunglasses, sitting on a park bench looking around nervously. Possibly smoking a cigarette. Grace enters.)

GRACE

Larry?

LARRY

Grace!

(He quickly grabs her and makes her sit down on the bench.)

GRACE

Okay, really nice to see you, too.

LARRY

Did anyone see you?

GRACE

Sure, lots of people. We’re in a park. Larry, why are you being so clandestine?

LARRY

Uh -?

GRACE

Sneaky.

LARRY

Because, Grace, I’m a married man.

GRACE

And I’m a married woman. Doesn’t make it against the law for two old high school friends to meet and catch up.

LARRY

My wife might think differently if she knew I had this. (He takes a note out of his pocket.)

GRACE

What’s that?

LARRY

A note you wrote to me.

GRACE

I didn’t write you a note.

LARRY

Yes. You did. I found it in the lining of my varsity jacket.

GRACE

From our senior year in high school. Larry, I wrote that note twenty years ago. You just now found it?

LARRY

There was a hole in the pocket. I found it going through some old boxes.

GRACE

Guess I don’t feel so bad now about not hearing from you about it.

LARRY

Grace. I need to know if what you wrote in this note is true.

GRACE

Larry, I hardly remember what I wrote. That was a different time.

LARRY (reading note)

“I think you’re the greatest guy I have ever met. My love for you is forever. I want you to be my first.” Is it still true?

GRACE

It’s a little late. I’m married, now. With kids. So, are you.

LARRY

But, if I had found this note when you put it there, we’d probably be married. We’d probably have kids.

GRACE

But you didn’t and we’re not and we don’t. Scott Morton was my first.

LARRY

Scott Morton? That weenie?

GRACE

You didn’t respond to my note. He was available. We did it in his parent’s station wagon after the science fair. His Styrofoam model of an atom kept poking me in the ass. It was all very romantic. But, what’s done is done.

LARRY

It’s not fair. I didn’t know how you felt. Had I known-

GRACE

Did you feel the same way about me?

LARRY

Yes. Absolutely. I thought about you all the time. I was just too shy to do anything about it. A note like this would have given me the confidence I needed to ask out a girl as pretty as you.

GRACE

You thought I was pretty.

LARRY

Everyone did.

GRACE

Everyone?

LARRY

But you never said a word to me. I didn’t think you were interested.

GRACE

I was too shy. Whenever I was around you, my mouth and brain clamped shut. That’s why I poured my heart out in a note. And then it broke when I didn’t hear back from you. I feel a little better knowing it was just a mistake.

LARRY

A stupid, miserable mistake. What are we going to do?

GRACE

Do? There’s nothing to do.

LARRY

Are you happy, now, with -?

GRACE

Ted.

LARRY

Ted.

GRACE

Sure. I guess. I’m not unhappy. And you?

LARRY

Same. Very not unhappy. (Pause) What would we have done?

GRACE

What?

LARRY

If I did find your note and called you. What would you have wanted to do?

GRACE

Oh, I had it all planned out. We’d go to the roller rink. Then go to Dodge’s Beach. Build a fire. Go skinny-dipping in the lake. Sleep under the stars. Wake up to the sunrise together.

LARRY

Sounds nice.

GRACE

Yeah.

LARRY

The roller rink closed.

GRACE

So did Dodge’s Beach.

(Beat)

LARRY

The sun’s still in business.

GRACE

So’s the lake.

LARRY

Something to think about.

GRACE

Yep. Something to think about.

(Grace kisses Larry on the cheek and exits. Larry takes the note and crumples it up. He puts it in his pocket. Lights fade.)