Written by Joe Janes
157 of 365
Phillip, adult dinosaur
Cunt Jergen, 50s, Australian
(Lights up on Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur in a classroom surrounded by children. He is finishing a sing-a-long with them to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)
PHILLIP AND KIDSLove, Love, Love the world,
With a great big heart,
Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee,
Makes a tasty tart!
(They all cheer!)
PHILLIPNext, I, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur, courtesy of Sara Lee, am going to teach you the alphabet!
(The kids cheer!)
PHILLIPCan someone tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet? (Cindy raises her hand.) Cindy!
CINDYWhere’s Mrs. Florenheim?
PHILLIPMrs. Florenheim had to go home to take care of her sick cat. Okay? Okay, everybody? Now, the alphabet-
CINDYAre you really a dinosaur?
PHILLIPYep, I’m really a dinosaur. Grrr.
CINDYWhat kind of dinosaur are you?
PHILLIPWhy, I’m a friendly dinosaur, right, kids?
(The kids cheer.)
CINDYYes, but what kind? Are you a tyrannosaurus? A velociraptor?
BILLYIt’s whatever dinosaur is purple, right, Phillip?
CINDYWell, what kind of dinosaur is purple? I’ve never heard of a purple dinosaur.
PHILLIPNobody has, Cindy. Dinosaurs became extinct either millions of years ago or thousands of years ago depending on what your parents tell you and in no way am I trying to persuade you to believe one thing over another. The point is, either no one ever saw a dinosaur or remembers what color they were.
PHILLIPThat’s right, Todd!
BILLYWhy doesn’t anyone know what color dinosaurs are?
CINDYBecause they’re all dead. That’s what “extinct” means.
BILLYThen what’s he doing here?
PHILLIPI’m here to teach you the alphabet to make you smart. Maybe if you’re smart, you won’t become extinct like all my dinosaur friends. Anyone know a word that begins with the letter “A”?
SALLYWhy aren’t you stinkt?
PHILLIPEx-tinct, a word that does not begin with the letter “A.” Try again, any-one. How a-bout you, Al-phonso?
ALPHONSOWhy aren’t you dead like all the other dinosaurs?
(All the kids chime in with ‘yeahs’ and such.)
PHILLIPAll right, all right. If I tell you, can we then go on to learn about the alphabet?
PHILLIPYes, Todd, the alphabet.
TODDIt begins with “A.”
PHILLIPOh, you’re right, Very good. Guess you get an “A.”
(Todd cheers, no one else does. The other kids glare at Phillip.)
PHILLIP (continuing)Okay. About ten years ago, a mosquito from when dinosaurs roamed the earth was found trapped in amber. A scientist, underwritten by The Sara Lee Corporation, figured out a way to extract the blood the mosquito digested from having bitten a dinosaur and used that blood to clone me. He didn’t have all the DNA he needed, so he made some up with some modern day animals like lizards, jellyfish and the purple finch. Thus, purple. Happy? Can we move on to “B,” now, please?
CINDYWhy aren’t you eating us?
CINDYYou’re a dinosaur. Why aren’t you eating us?
PHILLIPBecause I’m a friendly dinosaur, remember? Friendly dinosaurs don’t eat people. Unless provoked.
BILLYWhat do you eat?
ALPHONSOYeah, what do you eat? I don’t see any teeth?
PHILLIPIf you look closely, you can see tiny sharp ridges along my mouth. Good for biting, but not for chewing. When I see something I want to eat, I hold it down with my sharp claws and spit up an acidic bile that kills and dissolves my prey. Then I just slurp it on up.
(The kids are grossed out and “ewwwww” that idea.)
PHILLIPGood job, Todd. Bile begins with "B." You’re learning the alphabet, even if no one else is. Let’s move on to “C.” “C” can be a little tricky. Sometimes it has a soft sound, like “ceiling” (he points up) and sometimes it has a hard sound like – CUNT!
(Cunt Jergen enters. He is dressed like an African safari hunter. He carries a big gun.)
CUNTThat’s right, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur. It’s me, Cunt Jergen, the Unfriendly Dinosaur Wrangler. Time to get back in your cage.
PHILLIPHow did you find me?
CUNTSimple, Phillip. I found your spore on the sidewalk outside this building, The Sara Lee Corporation Compound Daycare Center. And that spore also contained bits of colored chalk. The same kind of chalk favored by Mrs. Florenheim, their usual teacher.
PHILLIPYou’ll never take me. You come any closer, and these kids become my Lunchables.
CUNTYou wouldn’t dare!
(Phillip roars and spits up acidic bile onto Todd. Todd screams. Cunt, the ill-prepared unfriendly dinosaur hunter, starts to load his gun. Too late. Phillip is on a rampage. He spits up on Cunt and tears him apart. He claws all the remaining kids until he sits among the bloody ruins.)
PHILLIPWhy, God? Why?
(Cindy stirs and crawls her way over to Phillip.)
CINDYI forgot to ask. Where did you learn how to talk?
(Phillip belches up more bile onto her head. She screams and writhes in pain until she is dead.)
PHILLIPI went to school.