Written by Joe Janes
6/24/09
157 of 365
CAST:
Phillip, adult dinosaur
Cindy, 8
Billy, 8
Todd, 8
Alphonso, 8
Sally, 8
Cunt Jergen, 50s, Australian
(Lights up on Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur in a classroom surrounded by children. He is finishing a sing-a-long with them to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)
PHILLIP AND KIDS
Love, Love, Love the world,With a great big heart,
Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee,
Makes a tasty tart!
(They all cheer!)
PHILLIP
Next, I, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur, courtesy of Sara Lee, am going to teach you the alphabet!(The kids cheer!)
PHILLIP
Can someone tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet? (Cindy raises her hand.) Cindy!CINDY
Where’s Mrs. Florenheim?PHILLIP
Mrs. Florenheim had to go home to take care of her sick cat. Okay? Okay, everybody? Now, the alphabet-CINDY
Are you really a dinosaur?PHILLIP
Yep, I’m really a dinosaur. Grrr.CINDY
What kind of dinosaur are you?PHILLIP
Why, I’m a friendly dinosaur, right, kids?(The kids cheer.)
CINDY
Yes, but what kind? Are you a tyrannosaurus? A velociraptor? BILLY
It’s whatever dinosaur is purple, right, Phillip?CINDY
Well, what kind of dinosaur is purple? I’ve never heard of a purple dinosaur.PHILLIP
Nobody has, Cindy. Dinosaurs became extinct either millions of years ago or thousands of years ago depending on what your parents tell you and in no way am I trying to persuade you to believe one thing over another. The point is, either no one ever saw a dinosaur or remembers what color they were.TODD
26!PHILLIP
That’s right, Todd!BILLY
Why doesn’t anyone know what color dinosaurs are?CINDY
Because they’re all dead. That’s what “extinct” means.BILLY
Then what’s he doing here?PHILLIP
I’m here to teach you the alphabet to make you smart. Maybe if you’re smart, you won’t become extinct like all my dinosaur friends. Anyone know a word that begins with the letter “A”?SALLY
Why aren’t you stinkt?PHILLIP
Ex-tinct, a word that does not begin with the letter “A.” Try again, any-one. How a-bout you, Al-phonso?ALPHONSO
Why aren’t you dead like all the other dinosaurs?(All the kids chime in with ‘yeahs’ and such.)
PHILLIP
All right, all right. If I tell you, can we then go on to learn about the alphabet?TODD
Alphabet!PHILLIP
Yes, Todd, the alphabet.TODD
It begins with “A.”PHILLIP
Oh, you’re right, Very good. Guess you get an “A.”(Todd cheers, no one else does. The other kids glare at Phillip.)
PHILLIP (continuing)
Okay. About ten years ago, a mosquito from when dinosaurs roamed the earth was found trapped in amber. A scientist, underwritten by The Sara Lee Corporation, figured out a way to extract the blood the mosquito digested from having bitten a dinosaur and used that blood to clone me. He didn’t have all the DNA he needed, so he made some up with some modern day animals like lizards, jellyfish and the purple finch. Thus, purple. Happy? Can we move on to “B,” now, please?CINDY
Why aren’t you eating us?PHILLIP
What?CINDY
You’re a dinosaur. Why aren’t you eating us?PHILLIP
Because I’m a friendly dinosaur, remember? Friendly dinosaurs don’t eat people. Unless provoked.BILLY
What do you eat?ALPHONSO
Yeah, what do you eat? I don’t see any teeth?PHILLIP
If you look closely, you can see tiny sharp ridges along my mouth. Good for biting, but not for chewing. When I see something I want to eat, I hold it down with my sharp claws and spit up an acidic bile that kills and dissolves my prey. Then I just slurp it on up.(The kids are grossed out and “ewwwww” that idea.)
TODD
Bile!PHILLIP
Good job, Todd. Bile begins with "B." You’re learning the alphabet, even if no one else is. Let’s move on to “C.” “C” can be a little tricky. Sometimes it has a soft sound, like “ceiling” (he points up) and sometimes it has a hard sound like – CUNT!(Cunt Jergen enters. He is dressed like an African safari hunter. He carries a big gun.)
CUNT
That’s right, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur. It’s me, Cunt Jergen, the Unfriendly Dinosaur Wrangler. Time to get back in your cage.PHILLIP
How did you find me?CUNT
Simple, Phillip. I found your spore on the sidewalk outside this building, The Sara Lee Corporation Compound Daycare Center. And that spore also contained bits of colored chalk. The same kind of chalk favored by Mrs. Florenheim, their usual teacher.PHILLIP
You’ll never take me. You come any closer, and these kids become my Lunchables.CUNT
You wouldn’t dare!PHILLIP
Wouldn’t I?(Phillip roars and spits up acidic bile onto Todd. Todd screams. Cunt, the ill-prepared unfriendly dinosaur hunter, starts to load his gun. Too late. Phillip is on a rampage. He spits up on Cunt and tears him apart. He claws all the remaining kids until he sits among the bloody ruins.)
PHILLIP
Why, God? Why?(Cindy stirs and crawls her way over to Phillip.)
CINDY
I forgot to ask. Where did you learn how to talk?(Phillip belches up more bile onto her head. She screams and writhes in pain until she is dead.)
PHILLIP
I went to school.(Blackout)
