Written by Joe Janes
9/25/09
250 of 365
CAST
John
Monty
Caroline
Principal Haversham
(Lights up on Caroline sitting alone in a classroom. There are other chairs around her, positioned uniformly. She looks agitated. John walks in. They exchange looks.)
CAROLINE
You, too?
JOHN
Yep. Good seeing you in the hallway this morning.
CAROLINE
You made me late.
JOHN
You were already late.
CAROLINE
You made me later.
(He sits. Monty enters and sits directly without looking at them.)
CAROLINE
You’re never in here.
MONTY
First time.
JOHN
My how the mighty has fallen.
MONTY
My mother’s going to kill me. It’s Taco Night.
CAROLINE
That’s sweet. Your mother makes you tacos.
MONTY
No. I take her out and I buy her tacos. She loves tacos. Taco Bell tacos. Won’t even think of trying any other kind. I hate her so.
JOHN
What are you in for, Caroline?
CAROLINE
What do you think? Tardy.
JOHN
Weren’t you in here last week for that?
CAROLINE
Yes.
JOHN
So, then you’re re-tardy. (He laughs and tries to get a high five from Monty who just stares at him.) I’m sorry, I meant re-mentally challenged. What horrible thing did you do, Monty? Color-coordinate the sugar packets in the cafeteria?
MONTY
That wasn’t a crime.
JOHN
Then what?
MONTY
Gum. Under my desk.
JOHN
Oh, big whoop.
MONTY
What did you do, John? Kill someone?
JOHN
Smoking in the little boys room. Haversham had a fit. Threatened to call the police.
CAROLINE
No way.
JOHN
Way. Way way. I had to beg to get detention. I’m not proud.
(Mr. Haverhsam, an imposing humorless figure stands in the doorway and clears his throat. Everyone stops talking and looks down. Haversham moves to a desk in front of them and sits down. He stares at them all quietly for as long as painfully possible. They steal looks at him and look back down at the floor.)
HAVERHSAM
I am disgusted. We spend the better part of the day trying to improve the minds and therefore the futures of the students here. This is a private school. Parents pay good money to send their children to us. And here we have three teachers unable to behave themselves. Miss Cass, you are so frequently late that your students run a pool to see how many minutes past the hour you will walk in the door. Mr. Winston won this morning.
CAROLINE (glaring at John)
That’s why you stopped me in the hall.
(John shrugs)
HAVERSHAM
Mr. Winston seems to think our institution is a pool hall and that laws about smoking don’t apply to him. And as filthy a habit as smoking is, there’s one I find even more disturbing. Gum chewing, Mr. Dufhoppel. Particularly when said gum is dispensed of under the edges of furniture. When I sat down at your desk to borrow a ruler, a Bubble Yum stalactite nearly punctured my thigh. I’m lucky I don’t need stitches. (He stares at them some more, this time more intently.) This isn’t public school so no more acting like it is. No more detentions for the three of you. One more infraction from any of you and you all three are fired.
MONTY
All three?
CAROLINE
That’s not fair. He made me late.
JOHN
Later.
HAVERSHAM
You need to stop your own selfish behavior and make sure the other two don’t mess up. No more gum, no more cigarettes, no more lateness. (He walks to the door.) Figure out whatever you need to figure out to make this work, or, if you’re a fool, take a chance that the others just won’t screw things up for you.
(He laughs and exits. The three all look at each other worried.)
CAROLINE
What are we going to do?
(John takes out a cigarette and lights up.)
JOHN
Fuck it. I hate my job.
(Monty takes out gum and pops it in his mouth.)
MONTY
My mother takes my paycheck anyway. She drove me to this.
(Caroline picks up her bag and heads to the door.)
JOHN
Too late, Caroline, you’re already on time, for once.
(John and Monty laugh. Caroline flips them off as she exits. John and Monty high five. John coughs on his smoke, Monty chokes on his gum. Blackout.)
