Written by Joe Janes
7/14/09
177 of 365
CAST
Bernard, 40s
Phyllis, 40s
Noreen, 40s
(Lights up on Bernard wearing an 80’s-style yellow jumpsuit with shoulder pads. It is a bit snug on him, especially around the waist. He is setting a table for a romantic candle lit dinner. We hear a door close offstage.)
PHYLLIS (off)
Bernard?BERNARD
In the dining room, Phyllis.PHYLLIS
The dining room? (She stands in the doorway, wearing a woman’s business suit and carrying a bag stuffed with papers from work.) I forgot we had a dining room.BERNARD
It’s a shame we never used it.PHYLLIS
It smells like heaven in here.BERNARD
That would be the eggplant parmesan.PHYLLIS
Eggplant parm and what else?BERNARD
Um, oh, my Axe Body Spray.PHYLLIS
My favorite dish and my favorite dish. And I thought it was just going to be another boring Tuesday night.BERNARD
Sit, Phyllis. Sit. Have some wine.(Phyllis sits.)
PHYLLIS
Must say I could get used to this royal treatment, Bernard. What’s with the 80’s night?BERNARD
This? It’s my uniform.PHYLLIS
Bernard, you were wearing that the night we met in Dayton, Ohio.BERNARD
So, I was.PHYLLIS
Can’t believe you dragged that thing out of mothballs. I’m so glad my sister dragged me to that nightclub, though. Never thought I’d meet my future husband there. I tell my students that if they want to meet the love of their life, they better learn how to dance and hold their liquor.BERNARD
Wise words for third graders to hear. PHYLLIS
I think I smell a rat. You cheated on me. BERNARD
What?PHYLLIS
You did! You cheated on me. You wouldn’t act like this unless there was something wrong. There must be something very, very wrong. Who is she?BERNARD
No one, Phyllis. No one. I didn’t cheat on you. You’re the only one on earth for me.PHYLLIS
More wine. (Bernard pours her more wine.) So after twenty years of marriage, you just decide, out of the blue, to cook up a romantic evening for your wife.BERNARD
Well, no. Not exactly. I have something to tell you.PHYLLIS
I knew it.BERNARD
I’m an alien.(Phyllis looks serious for a moment and then laughs.)
BERNARD (continuing)
I return to my home planet in an hour. (Phyllis laughs some more.) The mother ship is almost in range to pick me up.PHYLLIS
Stop, Bernard. I can’t eat if you keep making me laugh.BERNARD
Phyllis. I mean it. You know how we’ve never been able to have kids?PHYLLIS
Because of your low sperm count.BERNARD
That’s just what I told you. It’s because my penis is actually a third arm. Very handy working the flonium mines on my planet. In my species, sexual organs are in the feet. For both genders.PHYLLIS
So, every time I gave you a foot massage I was actually…BERNARD
Oh, yeah. And it was very good.PHYLLIS
Bernard. You’re putting me on. This eggplant parmesan is the best. Good job.BERNARD
Phyllis, I need you to believe me. I’m leaving. For good. Forever.PHYLLIS
Well, if you want to leave then just leave. You don’t have to make up all this spaceman bullshit. Be a man about it. BERNARD
I can’t be a man about it. I’m not a man. I’m a Turlubian. From Turlubia. Several solar systems away.PHYLLIS
Okay, fine. You’re a Turlubian. From Turlubia. What are you doing here? Why have you been Bernard, my husband, for the last twenty years?BERNARD
I’ve been doing research. I was sent here to study you humans and your planet to help determine if Tulurbia will invade and take over or leave you alone. PHYLLIS
And the verdict?BERNARD
This is where human arrogance has worked in your favor. Your species has messed up the eco-system so badly with pollution and global warming that we don’t want it. It stinks. Your species will kill itself off in less than ten years.PHYLLIS
You’re serious about this.BERNARD
I am, Phyllis. But I wanted you to know, because, well, you were always more than just a research project for me. I love you.PHYLLIS
Bernard… What’s your Turlubian name?BERNARD
Bernard. PHYLLIS
Oh. …Bernard, take me with you. If my species is going to die, take me with you. We can live on your planet.BERNARD
Yeah, well, fine in theory. You know how your species has such an intense disregard for the environment? My species is the same way when it comes to racism. You would be taken away from me and forced into slavery. PHYLLIS
But you pass for human. I could pass for Turlubian.BERNARD
They would smell the difference. This isn’t Axe Body Spray. It’s my natural pheromones. And Turlubian women have their own distinct aroma. Much like spoiled milk, coffee and lemons.PHYLLIS
Ew. That’s why they always hated your special orders at Starbucks.BERNARD
They would probably make you one of the royal foot massagers. And the prince has a reputation for foot odor and bunions. It’s not pretty and I could not live knowing that you’ll die rubbing someone else’s feet.PHYLLIS
But you’re fine with me dying here.BERNARD
My wife is.PHYLLIS
Your wife?BERNARD
Did I not mention that? I’m married on my planet. How’s your eggplant?PHYLLIS
I’m not so hungry any more. Please get to the part where you say “Just kidding!” That this is all a bad joke.BERNARD
I wish I could. Phyllis (He picks her up from the chair.) Phyllis. Please let me just hold you one last time. (They hug. Noreen, a tall, David Bowie Ziggy Stardust-looking Amazon woman in a similar jumpsuit to Bernard’s stands in the doorway and clears her throat. Phyllis and Bernard separate) Noreen!NOREEN
It’s time to go, Bernard. BERNARD
Women are also the dominant gender on our planet.NOREEN
Now!BERNARD
Yes, dear! (He quickly runs off but gives Phyllis a quick wave from behind Noreen who, to discipline him, stomps on his foot without looking. He yelps and exits. Noreen walks and stands face-to-face to Phyllis. They sniff each other and are both repulsed by what they smell.)
NOREEN
Keep your stinky planet.(She starts to exits.)
PHYLLIS
Oh, yeah? Well, you have big, floppy feet!NOREEN
Thank you.(She exits. Phyllis sits and sadly takes another bite of eggplant.)
PHYLLIS
Damn, this is good.(Blackout)
