“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
7/24/09
187 of 365
CAST
Miranda, 30s
Frank, 30s
(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)
MIRANDA
Okay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)
MIRANDA (continuing)
Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.FRANK
Miranda.MIRANDA
You can spend the night tonight, if you want to.FRANK
Okay.MIRANDA
Okay, what?FRANK
Okay, I want to.MIRANDA
One other question-FRANK
I have two in my wallet. MIRANDA
Two?FRANK
I’m very optimistic.MIRANDA
Okay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well. FRANK
Okay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.MIRANDA
Are you a psycho? FRANK
Am I a psycho?MIRANDA
I really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?FRANK
Yes.MIRANDA
You are?FRANK
A little. I’ve Googled your name several times. MIRANDA
That’s not so bad. I Googled-FRANK
I even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere. MIRANDA
Did you find anything?FRANK
Just my own blog.MIRANDA
You have a blog?FRANK
I also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.MIRANDA
You did not find anything.FRANK
Sadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean. MIRANDA
Well, I guess that’s a little psycho-FRANK
And then I Googled all your Facebook friends. MIRANDA
That seems excessive.FRANK
They seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.MIRANDA
White Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.FRANK
But that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.MIRANDA
I told you I wasn’t.FRANK
Hello – psycho.MIRANDA
Right. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.FRANK
Well, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.MIRANDA
Well. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.FRANK
That’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.MIRANDA
How did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?FRANK
I read your e-mail. Too much?MIRANDA
Leave.(Blackout.)
