Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)