Written by Joe Janes
106 out of 365
(Lights up on a tired Evan getting in to a cab at night. Dustin is driving.)
EVANHey, man. Lawrence and Broadway, please.
DUSTINSure thing. Just getting off work.
EVANYeah. Can you believe it? Just enough time to go home, eat a Hot Pocket, go to bed and be back here by 8:30. (Takes out his wallet and checks the contents.)
DUSTINWhat’s the matter?
EVANCrap. How much to where I’m going?
DUSTINOh, probably seven or eight dollars. Plus…tip?
EVANCan you just take me as far a five?
DUSTINNot a very good neighborhood to walk from.
EVANAll I have is a five.
DUSTINWant me to stop at an ATM?
EVANNo. Then I’ll be paying three bucks just to take out another five, if it’ll even let me. I thought I had more money on me. And I don’t get paid again till the end of next week.
DUSTINMaybe you need a new job. One that pays well and makes you work less.
EVANDo I what?
DUSTINDo you wish that?
EVANDoesn’t everybody? Don’t you?
DUSTINThis is not my real job. I do this part-time. For fun.
EVANWhat’s your full-time job?
DUSTINI’m a genie. I can grant you three wishes. Choose them carefully.
EVANWish for anything?
DUSTINAnything your heart desires.
EVANWait – if you are a genie, and I’m not saying you are because, well, that’s nuts, but if you are, are you one of those that finds a way to screw me over with some ironic twist?
DUSTINNo, I’m not one of those. That takes a lot of time and energy and planning. I’m a lazy genie. I just give you what you want and go on my way. If you don’t believe me, just start with something small. Something not worth wreaking ironic vengeance over.
EVANOkay, well, I want to have enough money in my wallet to have this cab drive me all the way to my apartment and not have to walk.
DUSTINDone. Look inside your wallet.
EVANHey. There’s a twenty in there. Wait – it won’t cost twenty dollars to drive to my apartment.
DUSTINI figured you’d want to tip me well.
EVANOkay. I do want to tip you well. You’re a genie and you’re driving me home and granting me wishes. That’s worth an extra five.
DUSTINYou have two more wishes.
EVANOkay. Okay. No loopholes. What do I want? Okay. I got it. I want to make $60,000 a year, doing nothing. And take the taxes out, so the IRS doesn’t screw me. And make it so they take out enough that I get a refund every year.
DUSTINYou only want 60k a year? Taxed?
EVANYep. I know that if I ask for more – a million or a billion – you’ll find a way to burn me because of my greed.
DUSTINI told you; I’m not in to that.
EVANWhich is exactly what a genie would say if they were into that. 60k covers me on all my expenses plus extra, but not so much that people bug me to give to charity and stuff.
DUSTINOkay. Done. Can you check your bank account?
EVAN (pushing buttons on his cell phone)Way ahead of you. Hey, there’s only 42, 485 dollars there.
DUSTINWhich is 60,000 after taxes.
EVANDamn you, Obama.
DUSTINI know. It’s a real bite in the ass. Do you want to make a third wish for more money?
EVANNo, no. That’s good. It’s still more than what I’m making now. I have a cab ride home, an annual income that nets over 40k, what else do I want?
DUSTINLove? World peace? Reverse global warming?
EVANNah. I think if I try to go big, you’ll find some genie-like way to royally mess with me. I’ve got it.
EVANYou have to do whatever I wish for, right? No matter what.
DUSTINNo matter what.
EVANOkay, I know how I can make sure you won’t be a bastard and take away what you already gave me or find some way for me not to ever enjoy it. I wish… you… were dead.
(Dustin gasps, clutches his chest, lights go to black as we hear a car swerving out of control and crashing.)
TV ANNOUNCER (VO)Two men were pronounced dead at the scene of a car accident in the Uptown neighborhood. Police believe the driver suffering a heart attack caused the crash. The passenger, 26-year-old Evan O’Donnell, was still conscious when paramedics arrived. His dying last word was, quote, “Bastard.” End quote.