Written by Joe Janes
5/4/09
106 out of 365
CAST:
EVAN, 20s
DUSTIN, 60s
TV ANNOUNCER
(Lights up on a tired Evan getting in to a cab at night. Dustin is driving.)
EVAN
Hey, man. Lawrence and Broadway, please.DUSTIN
Sure thing. Just getting off work.EVAN
Yeah. Can you believe it? Just enough time to go home, eat a Hot Pocket, go to bed and be back here by 8:30. (Takes out his wallet and checks the contents.) DUSTIN
Sounds rough.EVAN
Crap.DUSTIN
What’s the matter?EVAN
Crap. How much to where I’m going?DUSTIN
Oh, probably seven or eight dollars. Plus…tip?EVAN
Can you just take me as far a five?DUSTIN
Not a very good neighborhood to walk from.EVAN
All I have is a five.DUSTIN
Want me to stop at an ATM?EVAN
No. Then I’ll be paying three bucks just to take out another five, if it’ll even let me. I thought I had more money on me. And I don’t get paid again till the end of next week.DUSTIN
Maybe you need a new job. One that pays well and makes you work less.EVAN
I wish.DUSTIN
Do you?EVAN
Do I what?DUSTIN
Do you wish that?EVAN
Doesn’t everybody? Don’t you?DUSTIN
This is not my real job. I do this part-time. For fun.EVAN
What’s your full-time job?DUSTIN
I’m a genie. I can grant you three wishes. Choose them carefully. EVAN
Yeah, right.DUSTIN
Try it.EVAN
Wish for anything?DUSTIN
Anything your heart desires.EVAN
Wait – if you are a genie, and I’m not saying you are because, well, that’s nuts, but if you are, are you one of those that finds a way to screw me over with some ironic twist?DUSTIN
No, I’m not one of those. That takes a lot of time and energy and planning. I’m a lazy genie. I just give you what you want and go on my way. If you don’t believe me, just start with something small. Something not worth wreaking ironic vengeance over.EVAN
Okay, well, I want to have enough money in my wallet to have this cab drive me all the way to my apartment and not have to walk.DUSTIN
Done. Look inside your wallet.EVAN
Hey. There’s a twenty in there. Wait – it won’t cost twenty dollars to drive to my apartment.DUSTIN
I figured you’d want to tip me well. EVAN
Okay. I do want to tip you well. You’re a genie and you’re driving me home and granting me wishes. That’s worth an extra five.DUSTIN
You have two more wishes.EVAN
Okay. Okay. No loopholes. What do I want? Okay. I got it. I want to make $60,000 a year, doing nothing. And take the taxes out, so the IRS doesn’t screw me. And make it so they take out enough that I get a refund every year.DUSTIN
You only want 60k a year? Taxed?EVAN
Yep. I know that if I ask for more – a million or a billion – you’ll find a way to burn me because of my greed.DUSTIN
I told you; I’m not in to that.EVAN
Which is exactly what a genie would say if they were into that. 60k covers me on all my expenses plus extra, but not so much that people bug me to give to charity and stuff.DUSTIN
Okay. Done. Can you check your bank account?EVAN (pushing buttons on his cell phone)
Way ahead of you. Hey, there’s only 42, 485 dollars there.DUSTIN
Which is 60,000 after taxes.EVAN
Damn you, Obama.DUSTIN
I know. It’s a real bite in the ass. Do you want to make a third wish for more money?EVAN
No, no. That’s good. It’s still more than what I’m making now. I have a cab ride home, an annual income that nets over 40k, what else do I want?DUSTIN
Love? World peace? Reverse global warming?EVAN
Nah. I think if I try to go big, you’ll find some genie-like way to royally mess with me. I’ve got it.DUSTIN
Yes?EVAN
You have to do whatever I wish for, right? No matter what.DUSTIN
No matter what.EVAN
Okay, I know how I can make sure you won’t be a bastard and take away what you already gave me or find some way for me not to ever enjoy it. I wish… you… were dead.(Dustin gasps, clutches his chest, lights go to black as we hear a car swerving out of control and crashing.)
TV ANNOUNCER (VO)
Two men were pronounced dead at the scene of a car accident in the Uptown neighborhood. Police believe the driver suffering a heart attack caused the crash. The passenger, 26-year-old Evan O’Donnell, was still conscious when paramedics arrived. His dying last word was, quote, “Bastard.” End quote.
