Written by Joe Janes
6/30/09
163 of 365
CAST
Fred “Gronk” Stephens, 50s
Carmichael, 30s
Natalie, 30s
Dawn, 30s
Sheila “Oola” Stephens, 40s
Bob Wilson, 50s (offstage)
Jingle singers (offstage)
(Lights up on Fred “Gronk” Stephens sitting at the bar of the Here We Are Lounge. He’s dressed in casual business clothes with his shirt unbuttoned one too many buttons. He is also holding his Gronk club from the commercials. Carmichael is behind the bar. Seated not too far off are Natalie and Dawn, two female flight attendants having a drink. Fred is keeping an eye on a television mounted somewhere above where the audience would be.)
FRED (to Carmichael)
It’s on, it’s on. Turn it up.(Carmichael rubs his fingers together. Fred sighs and slips him a bill. Carmichael grabs the remote and turns up the volume. We hear…)
OOLA (off)
Our new carpet from The Carpet Cave makes my feet happy. What do you think, Gronk?GRONK (off)
Gronk says…that’sa nice!(The two flight attendants look at the TV strangely since the volume wasn’t up at all before.)
JINGLE (off)
If your carpet makes you feel like a slave/Time to go spelunking at The Carpet Cave.BOB WILSON (off)
Stop by this weekend for our “Used To Be White” Sale! It’s rug-tacular!(Fred waves for Carmichael to turn it down. He does. Fred waves him on to continue with their shtick. Carmichael rubs his fingers, again. Fred slips him another ten.)
CARMICHAEL
That is my favorite commercial of all time. Did you see that ladies? Wasn’t that hysterical? With Gronk? Cracks me up every time I see it. (They smile politely at him and resume their conversation. Fred waves Carmichael on, again.)
CARMICHAEL (continuing)
Oh, my God! It’s you! I can’t believe it! I’ve got a celebrity, here. You are the man! I can’t believe you’re in my bar. Check it out, everybody! (The flight attendants are the only two there.) It’s him! It’s him!NATALIE
That’s nice.CARMICHAEL
Don’t you recognize him?FRED
Please, bartender, you’re embarrassing me.DAWN
I’m sorry, I don’t. Should we know you?CARMICHAEL
It’s Gronk. The caveman from the carpet commercials. This guy’s a star. Hey, let me buy you a drink, Gronk.FRED
Please, call me Fred.CARMICHAEL
What’ll it be, Fred?FRED
Uh, ladies, what are you having?NATALIE
We’re drinking cosmopolitans.FRED
Three cosmopolitans, bartender.CARMICHAEL (pissed it went from one drink to three)
Sure. Coming right up.(Carmichael gets to making the drinks. Fred, his cash still in hand, walks over to Dawn and Natalie.)
FRED
So, what brings you ladies out to the Here We Are Lounge on a Tuesday night?DAWN
Just having a stay over in the Red Roof Inn courtesy of Northwest Airlines. We head back to Cincinnati tomorrow.FRED
Sounds exciting. Out to do a little partying while in Nebraska.NATALIE
Well, you know, when in Rome.(Carmichael comes over with three cosmos. He sets them down on the table.)
CARMICHAEL
Three cosmopolitans on the house. DAWN
Thank you very much.NATALIE
Very nice of you.FRED
Hey, let’s have a toast.(Carmichael stands by waiting. The ladies notice and then Fred does, too.)
FRED (continuing)
Oh, of course. Here you are, bartender. A little something something.(Fred peels a bill off his cash. Carmichael tries to take the remaining larger wad of money, but Fred does not let go. After a quick tug of war, Fred wins, and hands Carmichael the two bills.)
CARMICHAEL
You let me know if you need anything else, Fred.(Carmichael walks away.)
FRED
Hey, kid.CARMICHAEL
Yes.FRED
Hang on to this for me.(Fred tosses Carmichael his club. Carmichael heads to behind the bar.)
CARMICHAEL
Gee, thanks!FRED
Where were we?DAWN
Why do you just happen to have your caveman club with you at a bar, Fred?FRED
What? Oh. That. I just came from St Jude’s down the street. Visiting some sick, burned, horribly disfigured children. They love the Gronk. I do a lot of charity work.NATALIE
That’s so sweet of you.FRED
Yes, it is. So, any way, a toast!(They raise their glasses.)
FRED (continuing)
To two of the most lovely Florence Nightingales of the clouds. (They clink glasses and sip. Fred grabs a chair and pulls up near them.)
DAWN
Why don’t you join us?FRED
Thank you-DAWN
Dawn.NATALIE
Natalie.
FRED
I am charmed.NATALIE
You must be a real big deal around here.FRED
Oh, you know, some people get excited when they meet a television personality, but I’m really just an ordinary man with ordinary needs.NATALIE
That’s so cool. You’re on TV and everyone knows who you are. DAWN
The bartender almost had a coronary.FRED
I run into fans all the time. Gronk! Gronk! Say it, say it!NATALIE
Say what?FRED
Oh, you know, that tag in the commercial. It’s like my catchphrase. “Gronk says bonk!” Silly really. You never know what’s going to strike the fancy of the public. People seem to love me. DAWN
How long have you been Gronking it?FRED
Oh, years. Years. I own The Carpet Cave. I do all my commercials. Write them, star in them, direct them. The jingle’s new, wrote that, too. Catchy, hunh?NATALIE
Wow. You’re like somebody famous whose name I can’t think of.FRED
Woody Allen?NATALIE
I don’t know who that is.DAWN
Who was the woman in the commercial?FRED
Just a local actress.DAWN
She looked really pissed at the end when you hit her that last time.FRED
Just acting. I actually ad-libbed that part. Felt right for the character.DAWN
Is she your wife?FRED
What? No, no. Never. I’m not married. She’s just a local actress and not a very good one. Doesn’t know how to “roll with it,” you know. That was her last commercial with me. Ever.NATALIE
She quit?FRED
Quit? No, no. I don’t know what you heard from the internet gossipers, but I fired her. Gave her a shot and she blew it. It’s a shame you two ladies aren’t in town longer. I’m shooting another spot – we call them spots in the biz – tomorrow and could always use another cave lady or two. And tomorrow night, I’m doing my one man “Odd Couple” at the local theater guild. It will probably sell out, but I could get you some VIP seats.NATALIE
Oh, poo. Our flight back is at nine am.FRED
Are you working or just flying back?NATALIE
Just flying back.FRED
Maybe you can get a later flight.DAWN
I think the one after that is at 2pm, but then there’s not another until the day after tomorrow.(Sheila “Oola” Stephens enters, sees Fred and heads over to the bar.)
FRED
Well, I’ll tell you what. I can move our shoot – we call it a shoot in the biz – to earlier in the morning. We could rehearse tonight so you’re all ready to go for the cameras. You’re at the Red Roof Inn, you say?(Shelia makes the same waving gesture to Carmichael that Fred did with out looking at him. Carmichael hands her the club.)
NATALIE
I’ve always wanted to be a movie star.FRED
This is so much like that, let me tell you-(Sheila smacks Fred hard over the head with the club.)
SHEILA
Time to come back to the cave, Gronk.FRED (getting up)
Sheila, honey, I was just talking to some fans.SHEILA
Right. Lose your wedding ring signing autographs?FRED
Uh, hey, whaddya know-(Sheila grabs his hair or ear and starts to drag him out.)
SHEILA
Let’s go, Gronk.FRED
But, I might have lost my ring here.SHEILA
The light’s better at home. We can have the kids help us look for it.(They exit.)
NATALIE
I wanted to be a movie star.DAWN
Sorry your dream got crushed.CARMICHAEL
Ladies, I have a video camera back in the storage room. I could make you an internet star over night.DAWN
Unless your club’s as big as Gronk’s, not interested.(Natalie and Dawn clink glasses. Lights.)
