Written by Joe Janes
21 of 365
Cable Guy, 20s
(Steve enters his apartment. He carries a shiny oval dish and a small plate of cookies covered in plastic wrap. He shakes his head in disgust as he walks past a stone statue of a large man crouched down with his butt cleavage exposed. Medusa enters suddenly and startles him. She carries a small flower and a doily.)
MEDUSASteve! You’re home early.
(Medusa places the doily on the back of the statue and sticks the flower in the crack of the statue’s ass. Steve uses the reflection on his dish to look at her.)
STEVEThere was a birthday party at work. The boss gave us the rest of the day off.
(Steve hands her the small plate. She devours one.)
STEVEHome made chocolate chip.
STEVEYeah. Connie made them.
(Medusa tries to spit out what she has already consumed.)
MEDUSAConnie’s a whore!
STEVEShe’s an administrative assistant!
STEVEMedusa! Honey. We need to talk.
MEDUSANo we don’t. We don’t need to talk. Look, the cable guy was here. Isn’t that nice? We have HBO, now.
STEVEI see the cable guy was here. And now he’s a vase.
MEDUSAHe patronized me, Steve. You know how I hate that. He treated me like I was just some dumb housewife. You keep me cooped up in this apartment all day.
STEVEWe agreed to that and because of this very thing. And because of your jealousy. If you just turn people to stone because they bug you, then every time you went to the Jewell you’d turn it into a rock garden.
MEDUSAUh – those TCF people are worthless. Don’t get me started.
STEVEThis isn’t working.
MEDUSAYou’re breaking up with me?
STEVEWe’re just too different.
MEDUSAMortals do not break up with Gorgons.
STEVEYeah, see. That was a threat. That’s part of the problem.
MEDUSAThat wasn’t a threat. I was merely stating a fact. Mortals don’t break up with Gorgons.
STEVEThe way you said it sounded like a threat. You have anger issues.
MEDUSAThat pisses me off. You have no idea what it’s like to be me. Slither in my shoes for awhile. I can’t go out unchaperoned. Even if I wanted to work, I’m overqualified for every mortal job there is. It’s because you think I’m ugly.
STEVEThat was sudden and not it.
MEDUSAThere’s not a lot I can do about my looks, Steve. My only options are “snakes up” or “snakes down.”
STEVEIt’s not your looks. I never see you. Directly.
MEDUSAThen it’s the sex. You’re bored already! Athena was right. Why buy the serpent when you can get the venom for free.
STEVEWhy does this have to be so hard? You’re not happy here. Can’t you see this isn’t working?
(She takes another cookie.)
MEDUSA (with mouth full)Steve. I moved from my lair in Libya to Chicago just to be with you.
STEVEI know. You made a tremendous sacrifice. I can’t help but think we were just too impulsive.
MEDUSABut your e-mails were so romantic. And that picture of you at the Leaning Tower of Pisa where the tower leans one way and you lean another. I fell in love when I saw that picture.
STEVEYour pictures were all blurry.
MEDUSAIt’s hard for me to find a good photographer. They’re only good for about a second.
(Steve takes her by the hand. They hold each other.)
STEVEI think we moved in together too quickly.
MEDUSAWe just need to give it more time.
STEVEI do like holding you and looking into your neck.
MEDUSAI like wrapping all available appendages around you.
STEVEYou know, you don’t always turn an entire person into stone.
MEDUSASometimes my efforts are more concentrated.
STEVEMaybe I was being too impulsive, again. Let’s talk about this later. Until then, I’ll go put on the Joe Cocker CD in the bedroom.
MEDUSAPut on the blindfold, too, lover.
(He exits. Medusa kicks the statue. He stands.)
CABLE GUY (whispering)Sheesh. Thanks for making me endure that very special episode.
MEDUSAGet out of here, Julio. But be back tomorrow. I may want to upgrade to a more premium channels.
(She slaps his butt and she exits to the bedroom as Joe Cocker’s “You Are So beautiful” begins to play. The cable guy pulls the flower out of his butt crack and sniffs it. Lights fade.)