Week 38, Day 263 - "Meat Substitute"

“Meat Substitute”

Written by Joe Janes

10/8/09

263 of 365

CAST:

Sharod, teens

Helen, 40s

Carl, 40s

(Lights up in the Helen and Carl’s kitchen. Helen is cooking at the stove, making burgers. Carl is getting a beer out of the fridge. Sharod walks through with his backpack on.)

SHAROD

Hi, Mom, Hi, Dad. I’m going to Cindy’s for vegan tacos.

HELEN

Wait a minute, Sharod. Try this. It’s a veggie burger.

SHAROD

You made a veggie burger.

HELEN

I found the recipe on the PETA website. Try it.

SHAROD

Really? You were on the PETA website?

HELEN

Mom’s a lot hipper than you think. Give it a try.

(Sharod takes the burger. Sniffs it and takes a small bite out of it.)

SHAROD

Mom. That’s amazing. That’s a really good veggie burger. Thanks. I’ll go call Cindy and see if she can come over here.

(He exits.)

HELEN

I’ll make more.

(Carl takes a burger and tries it.)

CARL

Tastes just like a burger. What’s makes it taste so much like meat?

HELEN

Meat. It’s 100% pure beef.

CARL

Helen, that doesn’t seem right.

HELEN

Oh, he’ll never know. Meat’s good for you and a boy needs protein. How will he ever know?

(Offstage we hear violent vomiting.)

CARL (grabbing another burger)

I think he just found out.

(Blackout)

Week 11, Day 72 - “Cannibal 78”

“Cannibal 78”
Written by Joe Janes
3/31/09
72 of 365

CAST:
Ant
Ram
Rae

(Lights up on Ram and Ant sitting on rocks, eating meat on the bone. In front of them is a platter full of meat decoratively displayed with a pith helmet.)

ANT

What is that? It good. What is that?

RAM

Wasabi.

ANT (nodding)

Wasabi.

(Rae, Ram’s daughter, enters. She carries a classic child’s dolly. She walks past Ant and Ram and plops down on the ground away from them in a huff.)

ANT (continuing)

What with daughter, Rae?

RAM

She hate me.

ANT

Why she not eating?

RAM

She all of sudden vegetarian. Like her mother.

ANT

Little old for dolls.

RAM

Not doll. Tofu.

(They both watch Rae eat the doll’s arm. Ant thoughtlessly picks up a toupee from the plate of meat and is about to eat it. Ram stops him.)

RAM

No, no. That garnish.

(Ant puts it back. Blackout.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Eight - “Health Nut"

“Health Nut”
Written by Joe Janes
3/7/09
48 of 365

CAST:
Bill, 40s
Ray, 40s
Counter Girl, 16

(Lights up on Bill and Ray standing in line at a fast food restaurant.)

RAY

Must be hard being a vegetarian.

BILL

No, not really. Even places like this have vegetarian options.

COUNTER GIRL

Welcome to Burger World. What would you like today?

BILL

I’ll have the Veggie Burger with Cheddar-like Cheese and Fake-n and a Vanilla Soy Shake.

COUNTER GIRL

Would you like baked fries or organic carrot sticks with that?

BILL

Ooh, organic carrot sticks.

COUNTER GIRL

That will be $13.75.

BILL

Okay, just a sec –

(Bill starts fishing through his wallet.)

COUNTER GIRL

Can I take your order?

RAY

Sure. I’ll have the gallon bucket of crispy veal nuggets with dippin’ sauce, a jumbo order of curly spicy fries, chocolate shake – make it a small - and a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

COUNTER GIRL

That’ll be 4.99.

BILL

Can I change my order?

COUNTER GIRL

What would you like?

BILL

Something dead, fried, maybe throw some butter on it.

COUNTER GIRL

4.99.

(Blackout.)