Week Seven, Day Forty-Four - "Puzzle Night, Part 2"

“Puzzle Night, Part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
3/3/09
44 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)

MARTA

Let me take that for you, Chip.

CHIP

Thanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.

MARTA (taking dish)

Oh, call me Marta.

CHIP

That’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.

VERNON

There you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.

CHIP

Okay…Vernon.

MARTA

I’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.

(She exits.)

CHIP

O-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-

VERNON

6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.

CHIP

I’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.

VERNON

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

CHIP

Guess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.

VERNON

It’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?

CHIP

Yeah. I think so.

VERNON

Marta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife.

CHIP

Okay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –

(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)

MARTA

What’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller –

MARTA

Marta.

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry.

MARTA

Oh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.

VERNON

Hay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn.

MARTA

Just ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.

VERNON

Hey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.

CHIP

Well, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me.

(Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)

MARTA

We could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.

(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)

CHIP

Oh, look, I found the emperor's cervix.

(Lights out)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Six -"NPR, Part 2"

(This is Friday's post. It went up after midnight.)

“NPR, part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
2/13/09
26 of 365

CAST
Scott Simon
Cokie Roberts

(This is an audio piece. We hear slow, sad music playing in the background.)

SCOTT SIMON

I’m Scott Simon of NPR’s Weekend Edition - Saturday. I only work one day a week, which gives me plenty of time to roam these halls. I’m one of the lucky ones. Other NPR reporters spend their time between reports huddling together against the wall for warmth, sifting through office garbage cans for bits of stale donuts or half-eaten mints. They sleep under other people’s desks for shelter during harsh winter nights. For just a few cents a day, you can help us provide nourishing food for them to eat and safe places at night to sleep. A dollar a day will ensure that I’ll be able to wear pants in public. Your donation will sponsor an NPR reporter. In return, we’ll send you a snapshot and a note from a reporter you’ve helped. They’ll also include a personalized note, like this one…

COKIE ROBERTS

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Malatia, My name is Cokie Roberts. Because of your contribution, I’ve been able to bath semi-regularly and keep most of the flies at bay. God bless you and your bank account, Cokie. P.S. Maybe some day you could come visit me and take me out to a nice restaurant or out to buy clothes or both. Or maybe I could just come and live with you.

SCOTT SIMON

Heartbreaking, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. Give us enough money and we’ll stop parading our hardships in front of you and let you listen to Car Talk in peace. Please give generously to this NPR station. Give with an open heart and an open wallet. I’m Scott Simon.