Week Two, Day Thirteen - "Chet At Lunch"

“Chet At Lunch”
(Part Three of “Dancing with the Devil”)
Written by Joe Janes
1/31/09
13 of 365

CAST:
Sumi, 20s
Mannie, 50s
Chet, late 20s
Angel
Devil
Tyler


(Lights up on Mannie from “Better Than Money” at the counter of a fast food restaurant. Chet stands behind him. Sumi, in uniform and headset, hands him a “to go” bag of food.)

SUMI

Burger, fries and a cola. That’s four dollars and thirty-six cents.

(Mannie counts the money out on the counter and Sumi puts it in the register except for one bill.)

SUMI (continuing)

Sixty-four cents is your change and… (She hands him the one “bill” and opens her arms. Mannie hugs her over the counter. He takes his food and leaves.) Have a nice day, Mannie.

MANNIE

You, too, Sumi!

SUMI

Hi, Cutie, what’ll it be today?

CHET

Well, I will have a cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke.

SUMI

We have a special today. For just fifty cents, you can get a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

CHET

Gee, I don’t know-

(Sumi freezes, lights shift, Devil and Angel, and Tyler, a nice guy hand puppet, appear on Chet’s shoulders.)

DEVIL

Go for the pie, Chet. They fry it. Hot fried pie, it doesn’t get any better than that.

ANGEL

You summoned me here over pie?

DEVIL

Yes. Chet is watching his weight –

CHET

No, I’m not.

DEVIL

Chet should be watching his weight and, excuse me, who are you?

TYLER

Hi, I’m Tyler.

ANGEL

We were on a date.

DEVIL

I didn’t realize it was “Bring A Date” to work day.

ANGEL

We were on a swan boat ride. I couldn’t just leave him. I don’t want to mess things up with you, Tyler.

DEVIL

I see. Now, you care about messing things up.

CHET

Guys, I’m in a hurry. I really don’t need this, right now.

DEVIL

Shut up, Chet.

ANGEL

Don’t tell Chet to shut up.

DEVIL

Okay, look. Maybe I just wanted to see you one more time before your transfer went through. You look good.

ANGEL

Thanks. So do you. Really.

TYLER

Maybe I should wait back at the swan boat.

ANGEL

Don’t go anywhere, Tyler.

DEVIL

Looks like someone’s a little halo whipped, right, Chet?

ANGEL

Uh! You always have to try to piss me off, don’t you? Look, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. You need to move on.

DEVIL

Yeah. I know. You’re right. Sorry you got dragged in to this, Tyler. You better take care of her.

TYLER

Sure.

ANGEL

Let’s go. Good-bye.

(They leave. The Devil sighs.)

CHET

You going to be all right?

DEVIL

I don’t know.

CHET

You want some of my apple pie?

DEVIL

Sure.

(Lights change back.)

SUMI

Would you like the hot fried apple pie dessert treat?

CHET

Do you recommend it?

SUMI

It’s fried pie. What’s not to like?

CHET

Then, yes, I would (looks at tag), Sumi. Cute name.

SUMI

Thanks. (Writes on a napkin) I’ll bring your order out to you as soon as its ready and, hey, here’s my phone number so you can call me and we can go hang out or something.

CHET

Yeah. Sure. I will. Thanks, Sumi.

(He starts to leave)

SUMI

I like your parrot!

(Lights fade)

Week Two, Day Twelve - "Chet. Later."

“Chet. Later.”
(part two of "Dancing with the Devil")
Written by Joe Janes
1/30/09
12 of 365

CAST:
Les, 50s
Tawny, early 20s
Chet, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Les and Tawny sitting in two chairs near one another. The both wear business attire, but Tawny just seems to make it look intense and sexy while Les looks a little frumpy. Les looks nervous. She looks like every “business woman” who has ever appeared in a porno. He looks like the guy who has seen all those pornos. There is a third empty chair near them. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a moment or two. Chet, also in a business suit, enters.)

CHET

Thanks for waiting.

LES (standing to shake his hand)

No problem, Mr. Baxter.

TAWNY

You were away too long, Chet.

CHET

Um, thanks. Sit, sit. Relax. I know it’s a little unusual to be doing a double interview. Times being as they are, we here at Hammerson and Associates are swamped with qualified applicants and want to make sure everyone is considered. Plus, I think HR enjoys putting you on the hot seat like this. (Les laughs way too hard at this until he realizes he has laughed too hard and tapers off.)

LES

Good one.

CHET

Now, Les, your resume is very impressive. You are very qualified, if not overqualified, for our regional accounts manager. Tawny, all I got from you was a cover letter with a lipstick imprint where your signature should be. I must say, while you certainly present yourself well – gosh you look nice - I’m a little taken aback at the lack of credentials.

TAWNY

Morey said I didn’t need to bring anything.

CHET

Morey?

TAWNY

Mr. Hammerson?

LES

Oh, God.

TAWNY

Morey assured me all I had to do was show you my “strengths” as an employee and I’d get right in. If you’d like to bring me in for a second private interview, I’m open and available.

CHET

I see.

TAWNY

Do you, Chet? (Shifting in her seat) Do you really see? (Chet is obviously attracted to her, but trying to fight it). It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

CHET

It’s been awhile what?

TAWNY

You look like a sailor lost at sea whose best friend keeps turning into a chicken leg.

CHET

Tell you what. Let’s talk about your strengths. Everyone’s strengths. Les, give me three of your top qualities.

LES

Well, you can plunk me down anywhere in the Midwest and you’ll find I’m already well connected and will quickly develop new connections. I’m good at blowing the dust off old systems and making them work or innovating them. And you’ll find that I really know my stuff. Before selling HVAC equipment, I used to work on them. I’m good with my hands. I’m able to assess a clients needs and make sure they’re getting the right tool for the right job.

CHET

Very well put, Les. Tawny?

TAWNY

Well, you can plunk me down anywhere, too. The Midwest, the East Coast, the conference room. I can blow or suck the dust off anything. I’m good with my hands and my mouth. I would do anything to get this job, Chet. Anything.

LES

Me, too!

CHET

Um, well…I…uh…I don’t know what to do.

(Les and Tawny freeze. Lights shift on to Chet and Angel and Devil hand puppets appear on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Follow your heart, Chet. You know what’s the right thing to do.

DEVIL

This company’s going down. Chet, and so is Tawny. Get it while the getting’s good! Oh, hey – I didn’t expect to see you here.

ANGEL

Why not? This is my job.

DEVIL

I know, it’s just, you never returned my calls. I thought we had something special.

ANGEL

We did it once. It was a good time. Not something special.

DEVIL (crying)

It was to me.

ANGEL

Here we go. Look, I told you I wasn’t interested in a relationship.

DEVIL

You tell me that after I changed my relationship status on Facebook. How do you sleep at night?

ANGEL

You’re obviously not over me. I’m going to put in for a transfer.

DEVIL

Fine. Run away. Run away like you’ve been doing your whole afterlife. I don’t love you any more!

ANGEL

Love? You shouldn’t have “loved” me at all, you psycho. We never even went out. Men! I’m out of here.

(She exits. Devil stays, sobbing.)

CHET

You should probably be going.

DEVIL

What are you going to do?

CHET

I don’t know, yet.

DEVIL

You know what you should do? Screw her. Screw her, befriend her on Facebook, and leave her.

CHET

I don’t know…

DEVIL

…Please? For me?

CHET

I’ll think about it.

DEVIL (sniff!)

Thanks... Hug?

CHET

Sure.

(He hugs Devil)

DEVIL

Thanks. Go get her, tiger.

(He exits. Lights shift back to normal.)

CHET

Tawny and Les, tell you what. I’m going to leave the room for twenty minutes. You two work it out. Whoever is still in the room when I get back, gets the job.

(He exits. Les and Tawny look at each other.)

LES (trying to be seductive)

If you sleep with me, I'll let you have the job.

TAWNY

Ew. Twenty minutes alone in this room with you? How about I leave and you don’t sleep with me.

(She exits.)

LES

Yes! Using my lack of sexuality works, again!

Week Two, Day Eleven - "Dancing with the Devil"

“Dancing with the Devil”
Written by Joe Janes
1/29/09
11 out of 365

CAST:
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)

CHET

Hi.

NADIA

What?

CHET

I said, “hi.”

NADIA

Oh.

(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

What?

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

Then why are you here?

PING

I like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?

CHET

Chet.

PING

I’m Ping.

CHET

Ping?

PING

Yeah. Ping.

CHET

Is that some silly nickname with a really good story?

PING

No.

CHET

Oh.

PING

Do you like to dance, Chet?

(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)

CHET

No.

PING

Then why are you here?

CHET (glancing over at Nadia)

Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.

PING

Or lonely?

CHET

Or lonely.

NADIA

I came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.

CHET

Hi, Nadia.

NADIA

Are you married, Chet?

CHET

No.

NADIA

Too bad.

CHET

Why too bad?

PING

Because married guys don’t come with strings attached.

NADIA

If you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.

CHET

I am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.

NADIA

It might.

PING

Guess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?

CHET

Getting laid would be special. Been awhile.

NADIA

She means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?

CHET

Both?

NADIA

Not an option.

PING

Pick one.

CHET

I – I – I don’t know.

(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Oh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.

DEVIL

Nothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping.

ANGEL

What’s wrong with a nice conversation?

DEVIL

Nothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.

ANGEL

Nadia fakes her orgasms.

DEVIL

Who cares, as long as yours is real?

ANGEL

Go for Ms. Right.

DEVIL

Go for Ms. Right Now.

CHET

Okay!

(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)

NADIA

Okay, what?

CHET

I want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.

PING

Yeah. You are.

(She exits.)

CHET

We can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.

NADIA (sees someone)

Oh, hey, gotta go-

CHET

What? Where are you going?

NADIA

My boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!

(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)

ANGEL

Sorry it didn’t work out, Chet.

DEVIL

Yeah, Dude. That sucks.

ANGEL

Look at the bright side.

DEVIL

Yeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.

ANGEL

We’re here to keep you company.

DEVIL

Yeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo.

(Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)

ANGEL

Really? It’s new.

DEVIL

I usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.

ANGEL

I just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.

DEVIL

You bet it is. Long, too.

ANGEL

This music is nice.

DEVIL

Yeah. I kind of dig it.

ANGEL

Do you like to dance?

DEVIL

I like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?

ANGEL

Yes! Oh, yes!

CHET

Well, at least somebody’s getting laid.

DEVIL

Who’s your savior? Who’s your savior?

ANGEL
You are! You are!

(Lights fade)