Written by Joe Janes
335 of 365
Rev. Arnold, 50s
(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)
REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)
-And the Lord loves us all
Regardless of religion
Wants us all to get along
Even just a smidgen
REV. ARNOLD (speaking)
Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.
THEA (Stops signing)
Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.
(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)
What is he saying?
He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-
Loved? She’s only been missing a month.
Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.
How do you know this is God’s plan?
Let her speak!
(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)
I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.
After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.
Were you praying or pulling your pud?
REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)
Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.
Doesn’t answer the question!
REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)
While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.
The Lord is my Viagra!
REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)
It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.
Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?
Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.
(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)
Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!